A Homicide Survivor's Perspective on Homicide Grief

Three years

2011-01-14T12:31:00.000-08:00

Monday will be the three year anniversary of Denise's death. Has it gotten easier? Yes and no. The pain is still there (I guess it never goes away) but easier in that I now recognize "triggers" and have learned how to cope. I've also learned that it is impossible to "move on". Who would want to? Not me, certainly. I'll never give up mourning or missing Denise. She should be here and that's that. But I do realize that we can "move forward". The hardest part in all this is watching my son and grandsons. The boys are now 5 and 3 years old. And they know that they are missing a mommy. The oldest Noah asked recently "when do angels come back?" And Adam moved one of his baby pictures from one table and placed on a table 3" away from and facing Denise.

We do realize our blessings though and mourn and hurt for all those who face homicides in their families. I could not watch the televised presentations on what happened in Tucson. I KNOW what those families are experiencing and it hurts unbearably just watching the TV. It seems wrong but I'm not about hearing about Gabby Giffords. She's alive. Her family has her. I know they are in pain and in shock but shouldn't the Fort Hood tragedy gotten more coverage than this? It's all so tragic and just brings back all the anger I've been working so diligently to control.

God bless us all. We need it.

I'd much rather concentrate on Denise and my family and all the other families that need and/or could use my help. I want to help others so bad and have no clue as to where to even start. I guess the POMC meetings are the best place to start. Sadly, we have more people joining our group. How awful is that? But it is the one place they can and I can express our anger without being told "get over it" and "move on".

I'm so depressed. Sorry for the downer and the rant.

The boys are well, happy and a joy.

a child's homicide grief

2010-05-14T08:32:00.000-07:00

Last month we went to a ceremony for crime victim's in Charlotte County. A young lady spoke about her parents. They had been murdered many years ago. She was two years old. She was found in a carseat after sitting there for two days while her parents died beside her after being shot by a monster. I do not know the full story. I wish I did. I cannot go there. I remember how horrified I was when reading the news over a decade ago. But, I promptly forgot about it and went on with my then fairly normal life. Homicide grief is not a news story. It does not go away. I guess you have to go through it to truly understand.

Now this young girl is a teenager much loved and cared for by her grandparents. The story (even tho' I cannot read the details) is close to my heart and garners much concern for me. This young lady was the age my grandson was when Denise was murdered. Thank God he has his dad but even that is a handicap because my son is..... well, he is not quite himself. Well he is himself now but he will never be his old self. So, I look at this young teenage girl and I am so proud of her and how she has survived. I am so proud of her that she still loves, misses and cherishes her parents.

She spoke at the ceremony. This is what she said:

Monsters are not just creatures little kids think live under their beds orin their closets .They can be real live people. It takes a monster to kill a person. It takes an even bigger monster to kill the parents of a little baby.When that little baby is me, people always come up to me telling me how sorry they are. I know they mean what they say and being almost 15 I have learned to live with the fact that I will never get to meet my parents. Alot of people in my life have been robbed of the presence of my parents in their life.Like my six year old cousin. He will never get the chance to meet his uncle and aunt. I hate when my friends say they hate their parents. Ifeel like climbing the highest building in the world and yelling "at least you have your parents to meet love and get the hug and kiss". I have my grandparents, aunts and uncles but that really does not fill the gap. Sometimes I think to myself why me? Why do my parents have to be dead? Most ofthe time I get over it but sometimes I hear their voices .So I am living proof that there is hope. That you can get over the hurt but always remember the memories. Sometimes I wish I had the memories to lean back on but I don't. I love when people come up to me telling me how much I remind them of my parents in the way I talk, laugh, dress, did my hair that day and walk. It makes me feel as if they never died. Sometimes I feel as if no one understands what pain I go through. It may be a little easier for me because I was so little but it still hurts. I know I can't do anything about what happened but I can live my life with some quotes. Like from the song I hopeyou dance "May you never take one single breath for granted "which I think means you never know when your last day on earth is going to be so live your life to the fullest . Even though it's different now your still here. Somehow even though my parents are dead they are still here through me. Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance even though sometimes bad things can happen in your life. Something good may come out of the bad things. Like me . Ricky was our "L"but he's home with the flu, Lizzie our "O" had some homeworkto do, Mitchell our "E" probably got lost on the way. So I'm all of "love" that could make it today. So as all of life's fast balls come your way are you going to make it part of the dance? Do you miss screaming, fighting, and kissing in the rain? It's two and I'm cursing your name. I know I am going to make my fast balls part of the dance and not let the monster who killed my parents live under my bed or in my closet."

<3 I love you

Maranda Joellin Malnory

April 21 12.07 am

When a Child has been Murdered

2009-12-18T09:28:00.000-08:00

book recommendation:

When a Child has been Murdered (Ways you can help the grieving parents)

author: Bonnie Hunt Conrad
ISBN: 0-89503-186-8

It's been difficult locating a decent book on homicide grieving. I came across this one at our local library. It's not thick and it's very easy to read. I suggest anyone who has lost a child, teenager, or young adult to murder or even if you know someone grieving from homicide to read it. I'm listing a few excerpts from the introduction.

"The parents of a murdered child feel emotionally defeated at the realization that they were unable to prevent their child from feeling terror on this one occasion."

"Some parents believe that murdered children die emotionally before they die physically. The bullet that is about to enter their brain, the knife that is about to pierce their heart, the tire iron or baseball bat that is about to crush their skulls shatter their faith and naivety. This shattering, this loss of faith, kills the child emotionally. This emotional death is then followed by physical death. In many instances, it is this double death that some parents of a murdered child find most devastating."

"Fear can also cause family members and friends to minimize the grieving parents' pain. Often they are urged-much too quickly-to accept their child's murder and to get on with their lives. Rather than be allowed to express their grief openly and honestly, they are expected to suppress it. In some cases they are even expected to forget it entirely, an expectation that is impossible to fulfill."

"Some parents, due to mistakes made by those who investigated their child's death or who prosecuted the killer, or a plea bargain or lenient parole board that allows the killer to walk free after serving only a short time in prison, believe they too have become victims. Their child was the victim of a violent, uncaring individual; the parents become victims of a sometimes inept, uncaring criminal justice system. This system, although it is sworn to protect and defend both the parents and their child, sometimes does neither."

"But the parents of a murdered child never forget the savagery of their child's death. They continue to be haunted by bits and pieces of a nightmare that, for them, is a reality rather than a bad dream from which they will awaken. Despite their efforts to help themselves and, in some cases, the efforts of kind, caring people who attemp to offer support and comfort, immediately after the murder and into the future, the parents never fully recover."

On Guilt

"They do not understand that something they did or did not do was not the cause of the death... They do not understand that guilt is a product of their struggle to ascertain why their loved one, a person who was good, had died rather than some other person who was not so good."

On Anger and God

"If they are religious, the can be angry with God as well. In their prayers they asked that He protect their loved one, and He did not. They lost their loved one and, for a while, the can lose their faith in God. This double loss can greatly increase their anger and their suffering."

Resentfulness

"The death of their loved one forced them out of a world that was happy and safe and into one filled with anguish and fear. It takes time for them to adjust to being banished from their old world and to find a place in the new one."

"Parents of murdered children feel cheated. There was no time to comfort their child. There were no pillows to fluff, no gifts to bring. The parents had no chance to ease their child's terror with hugs and kisses. The resentment they feel is neither spiteful or self-serving. The parents should not be ashamed of being resentful, and other bereaved persons should not hold it against them. It is the result of the parents' grief and theri knowledge that their child felt terror and pain. It is a deep-seated yearning to go back to the time before their child was murdered and to prevent their child's lonely suffering."

Betrayal

"When a child is murdered intentionally, in cold blood, the parents view the safety of living in a civilized society as a cruel myth."

Despair

"Murdered-child grief can be compared to a seemingly unending night of darkness and fear. There is no way this fear can be quickly dispelled. Before their child was murdered, the parents' lives were filled with happiness. After the murder, that happiness is replaced with sorrow. As the parents stumble throug their sorrow, they begin to despair."

A LIST OF CHAPTERS

1. Defining Basic Grief
2. Factors That Can Affect Grief
3. The Emotions of Murdered-Child Grief
4. How the Parents of Murdered Children Deal with the Criminal Justice System
5. Ways in Which the Lives of Parents of Murdered Children Permanently Change
6. Immediate Help You Can Give the Parents of a Murdered Child
7. Future Help You Can Give the Parents of a Murdered Child
8. Immediate Ways the Parents of a Murdered Child Help Themselves
9. Future Ways the Parents of a Murdered Child Help Themselves

Fort Hood Victims, Veterans Day,

2009-11-12T07:05:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a very somber day for me. Autumn is a difficult time for me anyway. It used to be my favorite season but that changed the way everything has changed since Denise was murdered.

Anyhow, autumn was difficult last year and it's difficult this year. I believe it's because it's the time that leads up to the holidays. Thanksgiving is just around the corner. Yuck! I used to love Thanksgiving. Now? heh...

Christmas follows and I feel great guilt in not looking forward to Christmas. It seems sacrilegious (sp?) and wrong. Also, it's not fair to the grandkids. In any case, I honestly don't look forward to any of it. Of course, we go through all the motions and we smile and we still have turkey and we still bring joy to the children but...... It's not easy. At least, not for me.

But, we realize we have to move on and Denise would not want us down and depressed. But still......

On Tuesday I watched the memorial service for the Fort Hood victims. It just so awful. So much pain. In the beginning, when we first lost Denise, I had difficulty letting other pain in. It was over 18 months before other people's pain could reach me. I simply just could not listen to it, handle it or go near it. Now I figure I must be healing some because little by little I can face other pain.

Yesterday was Veteran's Day and we went down to the traveling Vietnam Memorial Wall in Punta Gorda. Another depressing day. I should have found joy in knowing my dad survived in Korea, my brother-in-law survived in Desert Storm and my younger brother Danny has survived two deployments in Iraq. But the Fort Hood victims just kept creeping into my mind. The world has gone mad! Now we're killed on our own bases? Now we have to worry about the men and women here at home? Now I have to worry about my brother Danny, his wife and kids, while he's on base?

I wonder if the murderer was a sleeper spy who was planted by joining the US Army many years ago with this mission or a mission like it in mind. AND! Are there others out there?

I was researching and going to list all the victims here and write something about each and every one because they were veterans and because of the way I feel for their families. I feel the more their personal stories are out there on the internet the more they will be remembered. And they should always be remembered. That's why I write about Denise. Denise lives on not just through our work in regards to 9-1-1 but because people write about her and talk about her. If I can help the grieving family and friends of the Fort Hood victims in just a small way, I want to. I don't think I can. They are going to go through their own journeys of pain but you never know. Denise cannot have died in vain and neither can these people.

I came across this article and thought I'd reprint it here. Out of all the articles I've read, this one I thought was very well done.

Fort Hood Victim Names Released

Thirteen people died after a mass shooting Thursday at Fort Hood, a sprawling Army post in Texas. Here's a look at the victims.

Fort Hood, Texas (CNN) -- Thirteen people died after a mass shooting Thursday at Fort Hood, a sprawling Army post in Texas. Here's a look at the victims.

Chief Warrant Officer Michael Grant Cahill (Ret.), Cameron, Texas

Michael Cahill, 62, liked his job as a physician's assistant at Fort Hood so much that he only took one week of recovery time after undergoing heart surgery, his sister told CNN affiliate KREM.

Cahill, who served in the Army Reserve, previously worked as a registered nurse, Marilyn Attebery told KREM. He later returned to school to pursue a career as a physician's assistant, she said. Cahill was assisting with physicals for soldiers preparing for deployment at the time of the shooting, his sister said.

"I'm just upset for all the families and for what went on here. They're talking about wars and show wars and it's right there in Fort Hood and it's just devastating to everybody and all the families," Attebery told KREM.

Cahill is survived by his wife, Joleen, three children and a grandson, Attebery said.

Maj. Libardo Eduardo Caraveo, Woodbridge, Virginia

Libardo Eduardo Caraveo, 52, arrived in the United States from Ciudad Juarez, Mexico in the mid-1970s, when he was a teenager, his son, Eduardo Caraveo told the Arizona Daily Star.

He knew little English then, the younger Caraveo told the newspaper. By 1986, Caraveo, the first in his family to attend college, according to the newspaper, had earned his Ph.D. in psychology, his son said.

Caraveo worked with bilingual special-needs students in Arizona before he entered private practice, the newspaper reported, citing the slain man's son.

He then took positions in several locations for the Federal Bureau of Prisons, the newspaper reported. He had worked for the bureau since the early 1990s.

Attorney General Eric Holder released a statement Saturday saying that Caraveo was a Bureau of Prisons psychologist. "My thoughts and deepest sympathies" are with his family, Holder said.

His son told the newspaper that his father was preparing to deploy to Afghanistan with a Wisconsin-based combat-stress-control unit, the Arizona Daily Star said.

The newspaper said he had been in the Army National Guard for nearly a decade.

Caraveo was assigned to the 467th Medical Detachment, Madison, Wisconsin.

Army Staff Sgt. Justin DeCrow, Plymouth, Indiana

Justin DeCrow, 32, was a "loving husband and father, and we're going to miss him," sobbed his wife, Marikay DeCrow, from their home in Evans, Georgia.

The couple has a 13-year-old daughter.

DeCrow went to Fort Hood in September to prepare for his deployment to Iraq, which was scheduled for sometime between December and March, Marikay DeCrow told CNN.

He had just come back from a tour in South Korea, where he worked in satellite communications, she added.

Daniel DeCrow, Justin DeCrow's father, told CNN affiliate WSBT in South Bend, Indiana, that his son joined the Army after finishing high school in Plymouth, Indiana.

He last spoke to his son last week, WSBT reported.

"As usual, the last words out of my mouth to him were that I was proud of him," Daniel DeCrow said, according to WSBT's Web site. "That's what I said to him every time -- that I loved him and I was proud of what he was doing. I can carry that around in my heart."

Capt. John Gaffaney, San Diego, California

John Gaffaney, a 56-year-old Army reservist, was a psychiatric nurse and worked for two decades in San Diego County, California, where he helped elderly victims of abuse and neglect.

Ellen Schmeding, assistant deputy director of the county's Aging and Independence Services Department, told CNN affiliate KFMB that Gaffaney most recently served as a supervisor for the county's Adult Protective Services Department.

"Everybody is quite shocked and shook up over what happened," Schmeding said.

Gaffaney, the father of a grown son, traveled to Fort Hood this week for a yearlong overseas deployment. Before he worked for the county, he had been in the Army, where he earned the rank of major, Schmeding said.

Schmeding said Gaffaney "really felt he could make a difference" serving members of the armed forces.

He will be "sorely missed," she said.

Spc. Frederick Greene, Mountain City, Tennessee.

Greene, 29, was assigned to the 510th Engineer Company, 20th Engineer Battalion, Fort Hood, Texas.

Spc. Jason Dean Hunt, Tipton, Oklahoma

Hunt, 22, wanted to be part of something greater than himself, his sister Leila Willingham told CNN. He enlisted in the Army in 2006 and spent his 21st birthday in Iraq, she said. He chose to re-enlist, dedicating the next six years to the military.

"I think that says a lot for that kind of man who makes that kind of choice for his country," Willingham said.

Willingham sobbed as she talked about the love she had for a brother who made her "super proud."

Hunt was recently married and set for his second deployment to Iraq, his sister told CNN's "Larry King Live."

"I couldn't imagine something like that -- attacking another soldier. It's just ridiculous. I don't understand it." --Kristopher Craig, brother of shooting victim Michael Pearson

Hunt graduated high school in 2005 and tried his hand at a career in information technology, Willingham said. But he had a different calling.

"I really feel like when he enlisted in the Army, he fulfilled that part of himself that wanted to serve other people and live for something greater than himself," Willingham said.

She said she doesn't know the details of her brother's death, but wants to believe he died trying to save others. "It's something he'd do," she said.

Sgt. Amy Krueger, Kiel, Wisconsin

Amy Krueger, 29, was a high school athlete who joined the military after the September 11, 2001, attacks, Kiel High School Principal Dario Talerico told the Milwaukee (Wisconsin) Journal Sentinel.

"I know she was proud to serve and proud to share her experience," Talerico told the newspaper. "She took pride that she was able to serve her country."

Krueger played for the high school basketball and softball teams and graduated in 1998, Talerico said.

A high school friend who later shared an apartment with Krueger had fond memories of the sergeant.

"She was one of the best people you could have ever met," Carrie Marie Senkbeil told the newspaper.

Pfc. Aaron Thomas Nemelka, West Jordan, Utah

Aaron Nemelka, 19, graduated from high school and enlisted in the military in the same year -- 2008. He was set to deploy to Afghanistan in January, his family told CNN affiliate KUTV.

Nemelka, the youngest of four children, was happy to offer his service, the family said in a letter read aloud by Lt. Col. Lisa Olsen of the National Guard to KUTV.

"Aaron was very happy as a combat engineer. He was anxious to be deployed to Afghanistan in January."

Family members said they were devastated by their loss.

Nemelka's uncle, Maj. Michael Blades, read a statement from his nephew's family.

"Aaron was very proud to serve in the military," Blades said, adding that many others in his family had also served in the armed forces.

"His mission is completed in this life. He now serves a higher calling in heaven," Blades read. "We love him, we miss him, and we look forward to that glorious day when the family will be reunited with him."

Nemelka had a girlfriend and he may have had plans to marry her, KUTV reported.

Pfc. Michael Pearson, Bolingbrook, Illinois

Michael Pearson, 22, enlisted in the Army more than a year ago to realize his musical dream. He hoped the military would be his path to college, where he could study musical theory, his brother Kristopher Craig told CNN affiliate WGN-TV in Chicago, Illinois.

"He was a genius as far as we were concerned," Craig told WGN-TV, reeling from the news that his 21-year-old "little kid brother" was dead.

"He was really living his life playing guitar," Craig said. "When he picked up a guitar, we all understood that he was expressing himself."

Pearson was scheduled to deploy either to Iraq or Afghanistan in January, his brother said. He was learning to deactivate bombs and training in the Mojave Desert, said his mother, Sheryll Pearson. She was looking forward to seeing her son at Christmas.

He was shot three times in the spine and chest and died on the operating table, she said, according to TV affiliates in Chicago.

"His father is still in shock and very angry," Sheryll Pearson said. "We're all very angry."

Craig, who also had been stationed at Fort Hood and now serves in the Illinois National Guard, said he cannot accept a fellow soldier gunned down his brother.

"It's unfathomable," he said. "I couldn't imagine something like that -- attacking another soldier. It's just ridiculous. I don't understand it."

Capt. Russell Seager, Racine, Wisconsin

According to Milwaukee, Wisconsin, radio station WUWM, which did a profile on Russell Seager earlier this year, the 51-year-old man was a nurse from the VA Medical Center in Milwaukee and worked to help veterans with mental health problems related to war experience.

Seager, who signed up for the Army Reserve four years ago, was preparing to deploy to Iraq, the radio station reported.

"I've always had a great deal of respect for the military and for service, and I just felt it was time that I stepped up and did it," Seager told the radio station, talking about his deployment.

"I mean it sounds corny and patriotic, but when you talk to people that decide to do this, the feelings are similar," he said.

The radio station, whose profile on Seager aired in August, said he had a Ph.D. in alternative medicine and would have been working in Iraq to prevent mental health problems from developing in troops.

He was assigned to the 467th Medical Company, Madison, Wisconsin.

Pvt. Francheska Velez, Chicago, Illinois

Francheska Velez, 21, lived the dream her father never realized.

Velez enlisted three years ago, an act her father Juan Guillermo Velez always wanted to accomplish, he told CNN affiliate WGBO. He encouraged his three-months pregnant daughter to stick with the military after she gave birth.

"My advice to her was to continue with her career in the military after she had her child," he told WGBO. "Then she would tell me, 'Daddy,' always with a smile on her face, which I will never forget, 'I will continue with my military career.' That was a dream that she made happen for me."

Francheska Velez had recently returned from Iraq and was transferred to Fort Hood last week because she was pregnant, her father said.

In the wake of his loss, Juan Velez struggled to comprehend why.

"It's a very difficult slap because you understand if it was terrorists or if it happened over there during the war. What hurts the most is that one of her own killed her and in her own house, the base where there should have been security."

Lt. Col. Juanita L. Warman, Havre De Grace, Maryland

Warman, 55, was assigned to the 1908th Medical Company, Independence, Missouri.

According to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, which spoke with Warman's sister Margaret Yaggie of Roaring Branch, Pennsylvania, the slain woman was a military physician's assistant. She had spent most of her career in the military, her sister told the newspaper, and had put herself through the University of Pittsburgh.

Warman had two daughters and six grandchildren, the newspaper reported.

Spc. Kham Xiong, St. Paul, Minnesota

Kham Xiong, 23, was preparing for his first deployment since joining the Army, his sister told CNN affiliate KARE.

Xiong enlisted last year and was scheduled to deploy to Afghanistan in January, Mee Xiong said.

She thinks her brother was at the site of the shooting because he was getting a medical checkup and vaccinations, she said.

With another brother serving in Afghanistan, the news of Kham Xiong's death is "hard on the family," his sister said.

"He is a loving person, everyone loves him and adores him," Mee Xiong told KARE.

Her brother was a father of three, KARE reported.

Link:
http://www.wibw.com/nationalnews/headlines/69559482.html?storySection=story

Fort Hood Massacre and homicide grief

2009-11-10T12:51:00.000-08:00

I have not blogged on this blog in quite some time. A lot has been going on in our world.

I just finished watching CNN's coverage of the Fort Hood Memorial Service for the 13 fallen soldiers who died right here in the USA.

So, many families devastated. So much pain on display. It was truly overwhelming and heartbreaking. I wish so much that there was some way I could help these families. I know soldiers die but they are not usually murdered by one of their own. These troops were murdered. Plain and simple.

These families may have been at different times preparing themselves for the worst with thoughts they may lose a loved one in friendly fire or on foreign soil. But no one is ever prepared to have a loved one cruelly murdered. It's an invasion. It can destroy ones faith. Their worlds now (the families and friends) are turned upside down. Little do they know the pain is just beginning. Little do they know the battle has just begun. The battle against evil invading and ruining and devastating their worlds.

Dear God, grant these families peace, hope and love. I realize it won't be accomplished immediately that the peace, hope and love will have to be battled for. It's war on a different level.

God bless them. They are not alone in their pain. There are many of us out here fighting for peace, hope and love in our families. It can be achieved and it will be found again. If not then the evil wins out. And we cannot let the evil win.

It's been almost two years now since Denise was murdered. I still ache everyday. I still struggle with my faith because, sadly, yes it's still in tatters but it is still there. Meager though it is. Watching the memorial service brought so much of it back to me.

It brings little comfort not being alone in homicide grief. If we're not alone, that means others are enduring the same devastation and pain. And who would wish that on anybody. The only comfort it brings is knowing that there are people out there that understand the anger and pain. It helps knowing that we are not insane. We are sane people living in insane circumstances. We're good people living in the midst of evil. If we become too angry, again, the evil will seep in.

It's what keeps me battling. Not letting the evil win.

Noah and Adam

2009-08-17T05:54:00.000-07:00

Are doing fantastic! they are doing so well and are so happy. Noah has seemed to move past whatever it was he was going through. Life is good for them. I thought I should let whoever reads this know!

We are very blessed.

grandbaby update

2009-07-24T10:21:00.000-07:00

Wow. Such a difference this week from last. The boys are doing pretty darn good. I do worry so for Noah. But as Tracie and Jeanie both said, we just need to give them lots of love. Noah this week was talking up a storm and he's more of his old self. He still talks about Denise quite often and keeps mentioning our old house (we recently moved). It's all about adjusting.

I'm very proud of Nathan. He's doing really well with the children and doing his best now to be independent and handle most things on his own. That's good and the babies need that.

You go, Nate! You're a great dad:o)

Homicide Survivors ~ Dealing with Grief

2009-07-17T12:57:00.000-07:00

Prepared by the Canadian Resource Centre for Victims of Crime

http://www.crcvc.ca/docs/homsurv.pdf

In my humble opinion probably the best thing I've read on homicide grief in a very long time.

A child's homicide grief

2009-07-17T12:16:00.000-07:00

I write with great hesitation about my grandchildren's grief. It's very personal. I'm not a professional but I thought if I shared some of how our three year old grandson is doing, it might help. Maybe someone has some answers on how to effectively help him. Maybe someone else is seeing the same in another child.

I don't see my grandson nearly as often as I used to. For many months I was seeing him on a daily basis. Now I see him maybe once and if I'm lucky twice a week. And, it's never for any true length of time. I may only see him for an hour or two at a time. We're living with my mother-in-law and she's 80 years old. It's difficult and tiring for her to be around the babies for any length of time. I find this frustrating and difficult. Also, I don't have a car so, it's difficult for me to go over and just be with them. Crap. I'm gonna start crying. Here I'm trying to write about my grandson's grief and I'm feeling sorry for myself, not be able to see him and his brother more. It truly does hurt not being able to see them as much as I'd like. I miss them immensely. I wonder and I imagine especially the 3 year probably misses me just as much. It's very difficult. Our lives are filled with so much trouble and sadness that it's the babies that bring us joy.

Anyhow, lately when I see them the older one seems distant, detached and far away. He's contrary and sullen. He's argumentative. And at other times he just wants to be held. He is talking up a storm when he wants. He talks about death and being dead. He talks about mommy dancing with the other angels. He talks about mommy often, at least with me. I have no way of knowing how often he talks about her with others because no one talks about it!

Then there are other times that he's just a happy little boy having fun.

I don't know. He just turned two when his mommy died. Now he's three and a half.

I just worry. I worry for him and I worry for all of us. I just want to kiss him and make it all better.

We're doing the best we can. My son does wonderfully with them and the best he can. He tries so hard but it's so difficult.

There are no guidelines. No precedents on how to deal with it.

I've looked into PTSD in children and most articles are about child and sexual abuse. There's a group called Parents Of Murdered Children. I guess I should look into a group called Children of Murdered Parents.

sigh.

I should not be so down. We are truly blessed and have a great support system between church, family and community. I just thought I'd share some of what's going on. If anyone out there knows of a resource that can help please let me know! I realize every child grieves differently. Every murder is different. Every family and every circumstance is different. All we can do is go on and give these small children as much joy as we can without spoiling them too much.

The professionals offer guidance but they don't really get it as far as I can tell. Maybe older children can help that have gone through it. If I find a resource, I'll share it.

Tsunami

2009-07-09T07:56:00.001-07:00

(posted in both blogs)

With the trial looming just ahead I thought I'd share some of my feelings. Jury selection starts August 17th. Already news stories are hitting the papers. Today's news story was actually about Coralrose Fullwood. Somehow our story made it into her story because they are delaying her alleged murderer's trial for our trial. I forget the judge's exact words but they were basically "there's no way in hell we can do both trials at the same time". The other stories are about the prosecution releasing new information to the defense.

Ugh! So once again, we have to see the alleged perpetrator's face on a daily basis.

Anyhow, our family's nerves are all on edge and we're all pretty frazzled.

I posted my hurricane chart in my homicide blog and many homicide survivors and PTSD sufferers have said it mirrors their feelings exactly. You do. You feel as if you are in the eye of a great hurricane with debris just swirling around you. All kinds of extraneous things are flying by. Some of it's good stuff and some of it's ugly stuff. They weave near and far while they are flying by at heavy rates of speed. People and relationships are doing the same thing. Sometimes you're close and at other times you're as far away as the moon. Because you're stuck in the eye and can't get out, you have no control over any of it. You try and reach for the good stuff, the best you can. And it ain't easy.

With the trial looming ahead, I'd like to use another mother nature analogy. Now with the trial just over a month a way, I feel as if a great tsunami is headed our way. We know it. We can't control it and it just keeps coming. Each day as it gets closer, it looms larger and larger in the distance. Nothing we can do about it. No way to stop it. I keep having visions of court TV and those distraught families who sit there and have to endure all the pain of listening to it all. I'm horrified of what I'll find out about what the alleged murderer did to Denise. I really don't know the details. I know it was pretty darn bad. I'm horrified at the thought of my son, sitting there having to see the pictures and the evidence. I'm horrified about sitting in the same room with evil. Breathing the same air.

So as the tsunami looms closer you try to prepare but you know, no matter how much you prepare, nothing can prepare you for the havoc it will wreak in your life. You just wait for the great giant wave to wash over you. You just want to swim through it to the other side where there's calm and peace. Sadly, you're still in the water and to survive you have to swim back to the devastation on the shore and at home. You then have to start picking up the pieces, that is if there are any pieces left. You know that the pieces will be broken. Yes, they can be mended and so you start on that journey of picking up the broken shattered pieces of your family.

That's how I feel. And no matter how much I want to "put it into God's hands" it ain't gonna be good. No matter how much I breathe in and out to calm myself, it's still going to break my heart (as it does everyday) to watch my son suffer.

Dear Denise, I'll be there. Every single day. I miss you more than words in a stupid blog can express.

The upcoming trial

2009-06-26T13:30:00.000-07:00

I can't believe it's been almost a month since I've written here. I apologize.

I started to write what was going on in my head to an online forum and just deleted it. They don't have to hear this stuff. Actually you shouldn't have to hear this stuff either. But I have to get it out.

I've been crying on and off all day. It's the upcoming trial and how I dread it. It's my worry for my family. Especially my son and my grandsons.

Ugh! I'm so worried about everybody and everything. Also, I'm scared out of my mind.

What can I say?

It's terrible. To think that other families are going through the same thing is truly appalling. It's just too terrible to imagine.

Thoughts on the Upcoming Trial

2009-05-24T07:52:00.000-07:00

printed in both blogs

Trials. What can I even say. My feelings? My feelings can be pretty much summoned up in one word.

Dread.

There are other feelings but if I were looking for one word to define my feelings, dread would be it.

I simply feel sick about it. Our trial is scheduled to begin August 17th.

If I've been mum for a while it's because there isn't much to say. Other than it's an awful feeling.

Tomorrow people will be celebrating Memorial Day. People will be cooking out and playing horseshoes. We used to do that. I just can't.

Memorial Day is about dead men and women who gave their lives for our country. Now instead of thinking about "cooking out" all I can think about is how people lost loved ones in horrific ways.

I still don't think anyone could die as horrifically as Denise did. But I guess people do.

It's hard not to think about the Jessica Lunsfords and the Carlie Brucias. I simply don't understand how someone can torture and kill (I consider rape a torture worse than waterboarding) such young innocents. It's just beyond understanding.

Okay, so I'm being very morbid on a Sunday morning. Now you know why I haven't written anything in a while. My thoughts are ugly and sad. I'm truly dreading the upcoming trial. I can't help crying thinking about it.

I do have some good moments. Yesterday, we had Adam for some one on one time. He's so precious. Mark's mom expressed regret that Denise was not here to see him grow. Well, I believe she is here and she is watching him grow. What I find sad is that Noah and Adam are missing out on having her here. They never really and never will have an opportunity to know her other than through our memories. They'll never experience her laugh. They'll never experience her joy and tenderness again.

They have been quite simply robbed.

You can see it in Noah's face. He has been especially robbed and he really misses her. He talks about death now around us. He knows now, I believe, that she's not coming back. He's handles it very stoically. And you can see how he's trying to adjust. He has his joyful moments too. And I believe he has more joyful moments than sad. I think now that he knows for sure she's not coming back he's actually doing a bit better. But it's hard for him. He has a million questions. He's only 3.

It makes you wonder if the alleged perpetrator could be put on trial for robbery as well. Because he really did rob us. I mean he ROBBED US. Especially Nathan and the boys.

I'll stop. I'm just not looking forward to the trial and I wanted to jot down why I haven't been writing much.

I really need to get to one of those meetings for Parents of Murdered Children. I think I should try the one in Sarasota. hmmm... we'll see. I'm just sick thinking about it.

I guess we should focus on the positive. The positive being the help and support we want to give to the 9-1-1 industry so that what happened that night with the blown chances of saving Denise in the 9-1-1 center doesn't happen to another family.

Two things could have saved Denise that night. 1.) Certification and standards for the 9-1-1 call taker and dispatchers. They had the training and they had the technology but they weren't using either appropriately. And 2.) cell phone location. Denise made a 9-1-1 call that lasted seven minute and had we been using GPS technology we could have found her.

Would she have been damaged? Yes. But she'd still be with us. I feel unbelievably strong about that.

sigh

It's been a couple weeks since my last blog

2009-05-06T13:02:00.001-07:00

Why? Lots happening I guess. A lot of good is happening. And I'd like to share some of the good. Are we still heartbroken, sad and lost without Denise. Yeah. It's doubtful that will ever go away. And we have the trial coming up.

But on to the good things.

I met an Iraqi war veteran named Pete. Pete is 26 years old and lost his leg due to a roadside bombing. I sat next to him on the plane to Las Vegas and we talked for 5 hours about Post Traumatic Stress. What a gift that flight was. I think Denise's tragedy helped put things in perspective for him and talking about his tragedy helped put things in perspective for me. Dear Pete, if you ever read this, I hope you remember me. I'll always remember you. It's interesting. Pete's PTSD is not too different from our PTSD. Pete and I had true AHA! moments on the plane. We kept saying to each other "yep! that's how I feel!" It's what we do about it that makes a different. I added a quote to the right of this blog to remind me what true courage is. Pete has it. And I hope I do too.

I also met some very very wonderfully good people while out in Las Vegas. All fighting to keep 9-1-1 standards high. All fighting to keep crime from happening. All fighting to save lives. All fighting and have been for decades to see tragedies like Denise's debacle in the Florida 9-1-1 center that night from happening again. People are going to be abducted. People are going to be murdered but if we can prevent and minimize the tragedies through efficient 9-1-1 protocols and policies throughout the nation then....... well. I don't know what then. Then I may get some rest at night.

Another good thing is I'm starting to become more aware again of the world swirling around me. I'm able to ask other people "how are you?" not just to be polite, but out of true concern. I'm able to listen and dissect their answers. I always try to ask. I'm always concerned. But I don't always comprehend what they've been telling me. That's a big step for me.

I still feel as if I have ADD/ADHD. My attention span is still very short. I still have trouble reading thick books. But at least I can hold a conversation. Most of the conversations are still filled with all this 9-1-1 stuff and probably will for a long time. This fight for Denise......... It's almost like a gift to her. A repayment. It sounds crazy and it's hard to explain. I'm not explaining it very well but we owe her so much. She saved our grandbabies. She gave us our grandbabies. She didn't deserve to die. She laid down her life so that our grandbabies could live. She was so brave. She didn't deserve to be murdered. And she didn't deserve the poor policies and practices at the local 9-1-1 center. The 9-1-1 center has an excellent training program. And it's using good technologies. But they allowed their call takers and dispatchers to not have to use their training and they didn't use the technologies that were available to them.

Oh now I've gotten off track. This was supposed to be a positive post.

An emotional couple of days

2009-04-21T12:56:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged about my emotions lately. I've been bloggin 9-1-1 and cookbook stuff because it helps to be doing something positive and the cookbook stuff has been keeping me busy. But the emotional roller coaster continues to run.

Next week members of the foundation (including moi) are going to Las Vegas for the NAED (National Academies of Emergency Dispatch) conference. I have mixed emotions about it. I believe I should be excited about going to Las Vegas. Who doesn't get excited about Vegas? Well.... I'm not all that excited. I take that back. I am and I'm not. I am excited because it will give me an opportunity to meet 9-1-1 industry people. When Mark and Nate came home from San Diego they said it was the most incredible experience (other than getting married and having children) they ever had. That the encouragement and the support for our cause and for them was phenomenal. They said the people were just wonderful. It made them feel good. I so want to feel good. Suddenly all we are doing was making sense and we felt we were being heard. So, there are many people think it would be good for me to meet some of these same people and experience the same positive energy. More importantly I'm to man the booth. Which I'm good at and have lots of experience doing.

I'm not looking forward to it because I don't want to be that person people feel sorry for. I'm afraid that I might break down and share my grief too much. I'm afraid of telling Denise's story over and over again. I'm sure I can. I'm sure I just have the jitters but as I've said before, it's not easy getting out there and putting your pain on display.

I'm worried about parties etc.... I don't want to go to parties. Yes, I want to meet people and network to promote our cause. Yes, I want to laugh. I like to laugh. Yes, I want to go to dinner. But I don't think I can actually party. We'll see.

Aside to Kevin: If you're reading this, dinner is on! You've been so incredibly supportive.

I'm just sharing my thoughts. I'm not sure how I feel.

But I think it's an important trip and the right thing to do. I'm primarily going to work the booth at the convention. I've been working boothes at conventions and home shows for years. I'm good at it. I know Denise's story and 9-1-1 debacle in her case inside and out. I feel very comfortable about doing it. It'll be nice discussing it with people who actually know what I'm talking about. It'll be wonderful to hear their thoughts as to what can be done, what we should do, and where we should go from here.

But I know it's going to take a lot of emotional energy.

Today

Today wasn't a good day for me. We're shipping a lot of stuff out to the conference center before we go. We have a very large picture of Denise. It's this picture about 35" W x 25" H

The picture is almost life size. As I was driving, I had the picture in the front seat and I couldn't help touching her face. It brought back memories of when we used to go places with the kids (doctors etc...). It was hard driving and holding back tears.

Then I stopped at one of the foundation member's workplaces to ship the stuff. The foundation member (a true angel in blue) works less than a 1/4 mile from where Denise's body was found. At the entrance to the street where Denise's body was found the road is closed but there's teddy bears, flowers, ribbons etc.... on one of the road signs.

Above is a picture from the newspaper early in 2008. I had to drive by it twice today to get Tammy's workplace. Since this picture was taken many more bears have been added and many many more flowers. It was hard for me to see. I don't go near that area unless I absolutely have toand today I had to. I avoid it like the plague. Anyhow, seeing it was almost unbearable. Why? Because it was dirty and dingy. The bears were filthy with highway grit and dust (it's very close to I-75). I thought, oh my! So I went to the local dollar store to get some silk flowers (the closest Michael's is a half hour away) but they were closed due to the economy. That's what their sign said. So I went to the Publix. They didn't have any silk flowers. And there I was in a quandary and almost breaking into tears as to what to do. It seemed silly, a woman in the middle of a grocery store getting ready to cry. I know this sounds pathetic but the feelings were very genuine. What do you do? So, I bought some real daisies and drove back to the sign. I cleaned away as much debris as I could and all the dead flowers. I was in tears. I had to fight the "compulsion" to get a sponge and start cleaning the bears and faded ribbons. I wanted to brighten it up and make it cheery. The bears up close didn't look as bad as they do far away. You could see they had been placed there with love.

I don't know whether we should take it all down or leave it up. I think it should stay. But it has to be kept nice! By the time I left it, I was a wreck. When I get back from the conference I plan on going back with very bright silk flowers. I can't clean the bears but I can spruce them up some.

Anyhow, I cried all the way home (half an hour drive). I felt people were looking at me. There I was in the car with Denise's lifesize picture sitting next to me. I could've turned the picture over so I wouldn't have to see it. That would've kept me from reaching out to her. But that not right!!! It's all still that painful. Then I have the bumper sticker so I felt I was being stared at. I know there are people out there who thinking we should just "get over it".

So many people want me to read "The Shack" by William P Young. It's a Christian book about a man's whose daughter was abducted and brutally murdered in a shack. Four years later he receives a note supposedly from God that tells him to visit the shack. Sorry but I can't read that! I don't want to read about someone being abducted and brutally murdered. I don't care if they do find God in the end. (I haven't lost God. I'm just mad at him.)

Besides, I'm sorry but I think it's going to take longer than 4 years to get over this!

The good thing about the book is that it helps people better understand what we're going through as far as grief and anger. It doesn't help them necessarily understand our relationships (or at least my relationship) with God. That's a personal journey and everyone's is different.

Our foundation

Our foundation isn't going to stop people from being murdered. The murderer killed Denise. He's evil. But if we don't do all we can to help prevent further mishaps in 9-1-1 centers which will help prevent other families from suffering the way we and other families such as the Perez's and the Johnson's and the Cantrell's and the Zimmerman's and the Koon's etc...etc...etc... I just think we'd be doing a great wrong.

Sorry to go on.

Yesterday

Yesterday was even more emotional. Sue was in an accident with the babies. All are fine. It wasn't Sue's fault. Some maniac pulled out in front of her and could've killed the boys. We were all shaken up. Just the thought of losing the boys was terrifying. And I mean terrifying. Poor poor Sue. I can't imagine what she felt. Thank God, she was smart. She saved the boys lives. And Denise and whoever up above were watching out for them. I know the other families know what I mean. I mean it was terrifying thinking we could've lost those boys.

Oddly, Sue tried to call 9-1-1 from her cell phone but the call seemed to keep dropping. (We're pretty close to the water). They had to go in and call from a local business. She doesn't know why her call wouldn't go through.

Again, sorry to go on.

Much love and peace. We're all fine.

I've printed this in both blogs because I don't know if it's about grief or 9-1-1. I'm that muddled.

An apology

2009-04-14T09:05:00.001-07:00

I'm sorry if I unnerved anybody in my last post. I can't take back anything I said because it's all true. But I am sorry. I was pretty fired up at the time and it's best to let it out here.

Again, my apologies. I just get very upset when people question my faith. It's my faith and I have to handle it.

Love and peace.

Frustration

2009-04-08T17:56:00.000-07:00

Homicide grief in my opinion can be so frustrating for all parties involved.

I believe that the people who truly don't understand homicide grief simply don't realize it's not something you just "get over". You can't just "move on". I find these people can be those who love us and want to help us but simply because impatient. Especially when they don't see results in the time frame they deem is appropriate. So, they "throw up their hands". Then we "throw up our hands" and then they just give up.

They don't realize that giving up is not an option for us. Survival is our only option and that's a constant battle that could be more described as a war because it's comprised of many battles.

Tonight someone said to me "I thought of Denise yesterday. And I believe she'd be upset to know that you are still so sad and grieving".

I had to fight the impulse to yell at her. "Don't throw that on me!" We have a lot of anger and pushing us will only makes us angrier. It' doesn't mean we're angry at anyone in particular. We're quite simply mad at the situation. So, I just kept silent.

Then there are those people who start going on about God. I believe in God. I'm very mad at God right now. Sometimes I'm not sure there is a God. In any case, I'm going through a very personal journey with God right now. And it's more than personal, it's profoundly personal. I can't go to Mass because I just sit there and sob. This isn't something I'm embarrassed about. At this point I don't care if people see me crying or not. The reason I feel uncomfortable in going is I don't want to be a distraction to the other people. I go to church alone (sometimes I take Noah) and I just sit and look at the cross and bask in God's presence. I'm very angry at God but I still need his comfort. I can't pray. Where would I start? What to pray for first. If there is a God, he knows the problems and the tragedies. I have to get on with doing what I can do. I can't wait for him. What ticks me off is this is nobody's business but my own unless I choose to share it! I shouldn't have to explain that to people.

The same person I mentioned above has been going on about God for quite sometime. I just want to shout "Leave me alone! My relationship with God is personal and I appreciate your good intentions but, please, don't intrude on me and my faith!" It's "my faith" and no one elses. Pray, yes. That'll help. But don't preach. And for God's sake do not say "It was God's will!"

It's like fingernails on a chalkboard. I still think Denise suffered more that Christ. If I go to Hell, I go to Hell! I think she did. She didn't choose to die. She was terrorized, humiliated, raped, dragged away from her two babies, did I say terrorized? She did everything she could to live! Christ knew he was dying and he knew why. He made his choice so that Denise's murderer could commit murder and be saved? Sorry but I just don't get that!
Sheesh.

That person is starting to "give up"on me. She insists I don't want help. She's right. I don't want that kind of help. Help to me would be comfort, support, hugs and prayers. Prayers because I can't pray.

We have major issues! We have two toddlers trying to adjust without their mommy and they need to adjust to a grieving dad. We have PSTD coming out of the yingyang. We fighting to survive! I know that's difficult for most people to understand but we are. Our family is fighting for survival.

Sorry for the rant. I can't help it. This stuff drives me bonkers. Not the PTSD the other crap.

If I sound upset, I guess I am:o)

Aside to Crystal: You are so dear. I'll be thinking of you next week. Love you and many many hugs. We'll survive! I don't know how. But we will.

It's gifts like these that truly help a person through their homicide grief

2009-04-08T17:54:00.000-07:00

This gift means so much simply because this friend doesn't question, doesn't probe, doesn't hurry me or my family and she accepts our grief for what it is. That in itself is a gift.

A dear close friend posted this on their blog for me!! Tammy the blog writer and I met after Denise died. What a good friend she's been to me, Nate, the foundation, Mark, the Goffs, all of us. She was the person who took on some serious blogging about Denise in the beginning. And she's the person who encouraged me to blog. I thank her for that and for the gift she posted in her blog tonight. You may know as amomandherblog It's difficult to find words to express the comfort I feel knowing so many people care.

This is what she posted:

http://amomandherblog.com/?p=1402

Isn't it beautiful!

Homicide Hurricane Grief Chart/Another Parents of Murdered Children meeting missed

2009-04-07T19:52:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I posted my Homicide Hurricane Grief Chart. Since I posted it, I realize I omitted quite a few emotions from the equation.

I feel isolated in the eye, as I said before. But what's truly horrific and appalling is how frightened and terrified I feel.

I'm frightenend and terrified because I don't think me and my family will ever get out of that eye. And worse I don't believe the storm will ever pass or end.

I'm hurt, angry, terrified, frightened, panic stricken, and quite simply overwhelmed and out of control.

Homicide grief is hell. There at no doubt about it.

I missed another POMC meeting tonight. I was supposed to watch the boys. I missed that too. I have no control over my life.

People say I should have control over at least my thoughts and feelings. Hah! Not when you numb.

One of the ladies who belongs to the group has a "life is crap" shirt. I want one.

Sometimes....

2009-03-31T20:43:00.001-07:00

I just look at Denise's picture and cry.

I can't believe she's gone. Even after all this time. It's just all so wrong.

I miss her. It's so friggin' surreal at times. It's just not right.

What a very sweet compliment

2009-03-29T12:20:00.000-07:00

"a friend of mine found your blog and directed me to it. i have read over your blogs, and because of you, i am now attempting, for the first time, to articulate what i don't want to talk about."

Bittersweet really. You can find it here: http://survivinghomicide.blogspot.com/

I knew there were others out there like me that feel a need to be heard but simply don't know what to say or how to say it. We do come off as being bitter and angry. I guess that's cuz we are! And we have every right to be.

Dear Crystal, just like you, I don't like to talk about it either. For me, talking about it makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want to burden others but my world revolves around it. I can't run away from it. And if I'm not sick to my stomach, I'm angry as all get out. But also, just like you, I have to get it out.

I hope blogging helps you. It's helped me the short time I've been doing it to find my "new" self. I lost my "old" self the day Denise died. I'm still me but I'm very different. You probably know what I mean.

My heart goes out to you. After reading about your brother and sister in law I feel just so sad that two people who seemed to be such nice, peaceful people were brutally murdered. You gotta wonder why. Why? Just looking at their picture you can see how nice they were.

Same with Denise.

sigh

I'm overwhelmed right now and have to stop. Much much love and peace to you and your family especially your mom. It's hard watching someone else's devastation. We see it in our son. Many many hugs.

Peggy

Homicide Grief Hurricane Chart

2009-03-27T10:56:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm playing amateur psychologist and created this chart.

And I guess you're probably wondering what you're looking at!

I was trying to describe to someone the feelings of isolation we feel as homicide survivors. I can't speak for others but the above Hurricane chart sums it up for me.

I feel as if I'm living in the eye of a hurricane isolated and somewhat protected from the terrible winds swirling around me. Those winds every once in a while throw debris our way.

In the eye of the hurricane beside me are my husband, my widowed son, and my two grandchildren. You may even include Denise's parents in the eye.

Just outside the eye are Brian (our other son) and Mark's mom and my parents. We live with Mark's mom so she's pretty much in the eye but Brian and my parents live quite a distance away so they enter and exit the eye at times.

You'll notice the foundation members and volunteers are just as close to us as Brian and my parents. That's odd considering we didn't know these people before we lost Denise but they are beside us and do their best to bolster us and support us in many ways. They help us keep going with our crusade for 9-1-1 reform. My support group from Parents of Murdered Children would be included with these people. Work employees who we've become close with and any new friends would be included in this group.

Oddly, just outside of these people you'll find our extended family. My siblings, nieces, nephews, and Mark's brother and his family.

Even further out than that are our old friends who either have distanced themselves from us for their own reasons or simply can't seem to reach us because they don't know how. We don't know how to reach them either. People are swirling around in the storm trying to reach their hands to us inside the eye and we're trying to reach to them but connections are rare.

Because it's a hurricane nothing is fixed and the storm is continually moving at a very fast pace. Sometimes people get close and then swirl away again. It is completely out of anyone's control.

We (Mark, Nate, Noah and Adam) never leave the eye.

Everyone cares about us and we care about everyone caught up in the storm but communication is spotty and sometimes non-existant.

This is my personal hurricane chart. Nathan's, Mark's, Brian's, Noah and Adam's, etc..... charts would probably be different. They might look at my chart and say "Mom! So and so should be in this group!" or "why isn't so and so in the eye? They should be in the eye!"

Haleigh Cummings, Misty Croslin Cummings and Ronald Cummings

2009-03-14T19:51:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry. It just boggles my mind that Misty Croslin and Ronald Cummings have only known each other 6 months.

Okay, let me try to work this out in my mind.

First, I guess it's a good thing that Ronald has only known Misty 6 months otherwise she may have been only 16 when they met? Huh? I know. What 24 year old healthy man needs to look toward a young teenager? But who am I too judge.

Second, when I was 17 I fell madly in love with a 21 year old. So, on Misty's part, I can see it happening. The 21 year old I fell in love with fell even more madly in love with me than I did with him. So, on Ronald's part, I can see it happening. But even at the age of 17 I came to realize that it was simply unhealthy for me as a 17 year old to be involved with a 21 year old. But that was me.

So, to expand on those thoughts, I can buy the romance. Can I buy the "forever" part? No. But, who knows?

Three, can I imagine little Haleigh desperately wanting a new mommy and a normal home with a mommy and a daddy in a fairy tale like romance? Sure. What little Haleigh experienced with her true mommy and daddy was obviously less than ideal and ANYTHING would've been better than the rancor, hate, and animosity she witnessed between her true parents. So, if her daddy was "in love" and Misty was at all maternal, of course, she would've wanted Misty in her life as a mommy. Especially if it brought happiness to the home.

What does all this lead too?

Not murder. Not kidnapping. Just GENUINE all out DYSFUNCTION.

So, what happened? Where's Haleigh?

IMO, it seems we're no closer (as the general public) in figuring out where Haleigh is or what's happened to her. Let us hope and pray the police know a helluva lot more than we do.

To be crude? All we know is her family is more than a tad messed up and was messed up even before all this happened.

Dear God, please, find this little girl. Dear God, if it's at all possible please find her safe. Dear God, please, keep this family strong and help them find the right path. And, Dear God, please help law enforcement ferret out the evil doer or evil doers involved in anything that may have happened to Haleigh and bring him/her/them to justice.

Families, devastation and pain that never stops.

2009-03-14T16:03:00.000-07:00

In thinking about our lives today I can't help but think about all the families one senseless murder (Denise's) has effected.

The senselessness, the anger, the pain and suffering, the empty void, the madness, the sadness, the lives that could very well be destroyed unless great battles are fought.

I know the members of my immediate family, Mark, Nate, Brian and myself battle everyday to go on with some sort of normalcy and happiness. I believe we're making great strides in our battles. Noah and Adam certainly help with that. They, of course, keep us centered and focused on the future and we strive for as much normalcy in their lives and our own as possible.

Interestingly, the 9-1-1 debacle that happened in the Charlotte County 9-1-1 center to Denise has also helped. It's been astounding the support we've been receiving from around the world and across the country. I tear up just thinking of how those folks in San Diego pumped up and motivated Mark, Nate and the two Daves with renewed vigor and drive. Those folks out at CalNENA were so absolutely wonderful in their generosity and support. It meant so much because we now know that Denise's death wasn't totally senseless and that lives will and are being saved. To be meeting in Washington DC with NENA and other 9-1-1 industry experts!

sigh. They just don't know what it means for us to be able to help improve things. Not that they don't do a good job already. But what happened to Denise should never have happened. And even if human error was involved in Charlotte County, the human errors need to be minimized. The problems in our local 9-1-1 center went way beyond human error. In any case, dispatchers and call takers are our front line.

Denise saved two very precious lives the day she died. She literally saved Noah and Adam by keeping the murderer as far away from them as possible and getting the murderer out of the house. She was already a hero and IMO a saint. She martyred herself for her children.

I think of the foundation volunteers who stepped up in our time of need. How awesome have they been? I don't think people realize the time and effort these people dedicate to the events we've been participating in. And even behind the scenes answering emails, doing research, contacting people, and shielding us from God knows what. They've been our front line. I think of the time they've taken away from their own families to help our cause. Angels in blue indeed.

Back to families that have been effected by the ripples of Denise's senseless murder:

Of course, there's our family and Denise's family. There's our extended families of cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, etc.....

Then there's the murderer's family and his extended family. I can't imagine what their lives are like. I'm sure they've been ostracized and shunned. I'm sure they are experiencing many of the same feelings we're feeling. Anger, pain, senselessness, the questions, numbness, surrealness, isolation, anger again..... No, I wouldn't want to be a part of that family. It's odd though. Most people know Denise's name from all the publicity but many people don't recognize the perpetrator's name or his cousin who allegedly unwittingly helped him. You say those names and people draw blanks. I guess that's a positive for their families.

The families of the volunteers. The volunteers have been and continue to be overwhelming with their help to us. Their families must have had concerns in the beginning. But you know? Their families are usually right out there with us! I think it's been a very positive (yet negative) experience for the kids in helping with the community and fighting for a cause that it seems we will win in time! To be a part of that? That's pretty cool.

I know I'm rambling but I'm just thinking out loud at the senselessness of it all. And of course of all the pain and suffering "one" person caused to so many people and not just Denise.

Of course, Denise suffered most of all. I hate to write of that. I have very ugly thoughts there and have in the past compared her suffering to Christ's. That offends people probably but I honestly believe Denise suffered more than Jesus did. I know that blasphemous. But I can't help thinking it. Jesus knew why he was dying and chose to die. Denise didn't choose to die. Denise was terrorized, humiliated, violated, torn from her children and fought tooth and nail to live. I just can't come to terms with the way that man made her suffer. She who never gave harm to anyone.

That's one of the problems with homicide grief. You can't help but remember how your loved on suffered and died. It boggles the mind to think someone could hurt your loved one in such an awful way, kill her and than throw her away like she was trash. Naked in a shallow grave so the alligators could get her.

I just don't get that. I never will.

Sorry. People don't understand that the pain never seems to stop. It hurts just thinking about her. And that's not fair to her. She who was so precious and wonderful and good.

My thoughts about Nancy Grace and the Haleigh Cummings family

2009-03-13T13:34:00.000-07:00

As I said before in a previous post I never watched much of Nancy Grace. I always found her abrasive. But the more and more I watch her and listen to her (truly listen) I'm thinking I like her. I like her very much. I've been getting small doses of her and now I'm onto bigger doses. Last night I watched her entire show. I think I may even watch her tonight.

What changed my mind about Nancy Grace? One glaring thing that I just happened to see. Amidst all the hoopla over Ronald Cummings marriage to Misty Croslin yesterday people were calling in to her show with disgust in their voices. They couldn't understand how he could get married while his daughter is missing and fly off to New York on a honeymoon.

Well, it seemed to me Ms Grace did an excellent job of refraining to comment her thoughts. Yes, it seems very distasteful and wrong minded. But, like Ms Grace I hesitate to judge until I know for a fact that Misty Croslin Cummings and/or Ronald Cummings had anything to do with the disappearance of little Haleigh.

Why? Well, it's simple really. Desperate people do desperate things. And having a child missing and possibly/probably murdered is about as desperate as you can imagine. Things don't get more desperate than that. Lots of things fly around your mind. Lots of anger is thrown around. Emotions are at the highest level possible.

I could almost feel Ms Grace's distaste just as I have a bad taste in my mouth over the whole thing. But, I'm not going to judge until I know the facts.

And right now it's just a lot of crap going around with a little girl likely dead. I hope not but it is what it is.

And here I may get into a bit of trouble because I'm going to mention my son's grief. I love my son more than anything in the world. I support him and I have faith in him. Is he himself? His old self? NO! And he's made some mistakes since Denise died. He's still making mistakes. But that is simply my opinion. I just don't think he's himself. His judgement seems to be way off and out of kilter. But you know what? I've done the same thing. I posted yesterday about how I've become abrasive and I've been making errors in judgement. A lot of it's anger. A lot of it's grief. And a lot of it is because with what we're going through there are no set rules or precedents.

It is what it is. My husband has made mistakes. But it's all a matter of opinion. And the bottom line is we're doing out best to rise above the situation and go on. We're doing our best to stay strong. We're doing our best to try and bring about some good out of a senseless tragedy.

So, I'm going to give Mr Cummings the benefit of the doubt. I'm going to hope and pray that this marriage is his way of bringing about a positive in the face of senseless tragedy. I hope and pray I'm correct. I'm hoping the trip to New York was a gesture to bring about national attention to his missing child. It's not easy putting your pain on display. I know that from watching Nathan. So, maybe Mr Cummings has his reasons.

If we ever hear otherwise and that he or his new wife brought harm to Haleigh..... well.... then IMO they can be strung up on the nearest tree. But it'll need to be proved first.

Just my opinion as always

A Day with the Babies! (now toddlers)

2009-03-12T17:11:00.000-07:00

I originally posted this in the other blog but thought it may help here!

My day with Noah and Adam

What a nice day!It was so good to see both of them for some quality time. Now that we're feeling more settled in the house it was easier for me and for them to relax. I picked them up early from daycare. The first thing we did was come back to the house and walk down to the water. I'll have to look for some pics to post but we're living directly on Lemon Bay. And it's beautiful:o) We sat on the bench and simply watched the boats. The boys were a bit mischievous and were wanting to dangle their feet over the seawall but I wasn't at all comfortable with that. But we ran around the grass and played tag. We watched birds and Noah saw two dolphins.

Then we came back to the house and they were thrilled! I was worried because yesterday didn't go so well....Adam picked out a chair as if he was an explorer and staking a claim. If he had a flag I'm sure he would've planted it in the chair. He's like that. He has his spot. No one else is allowed in it. He'll be playing with a truck having a good time but stop immediately if he sees you sitting in his spot! He gets quite indignant and upset.

Noah kept saying things like "Grandma! you brought our blocks!" then "Grandma, you brought our train!" then "Grandma, you brought our ambulance!" then "Grandma, you brought our movies!" I replied with "of course!"

Then I said to Noah "I even brought mommy's picture!" I hadn't unpacked it yet so we went to the box and we unwrapped and unpacked all Denise's picture. He was thrilled! He held it very delicately. I said "she was so pretty!" and he said "Yeah!" I allowed him to pick the place for the special one we always kept at eye level. Adam later accidently knocked it over and Noah jumped up and instead of scolding Adam, he said "I'll fix it" and gingerly placed it back where it needed to be.

Then we took another walk down to see the boats and sit on the bench.

It was truly a precious time. I was so thrilled to see them happy. Adam is usually always happy unless he's not feeling well. But, Noah is moody. Today was a good mood.

Later I took them over to MomMom. It was a very good day:o)

Another Parents of Murdered Children Meeting missed

2009-03-12T09:20:00.000-07:00

Yes, I missed another one. sigh.

The grandchildren

Since we've been busy moving I haven't had an opportunity to see much of the grandchildren. I'm missing them dearly. I had an opportunity to babysit last night and jumped at it. Then I realized not a minute later I had the meeting. Of course, I opted to see the babies. You can tell it's been a while since I've seen them because Noah was in a fairly nasty mood at first. He always gets that way when he hasn't seen someone in a while. I think it's his way of saying he's mad. As a matter of fact he was so mad I had to settle him down for a time out. He was crying and finally I asked "are you missing mommy?" Which made him start to cry harder but then he started nodding his head and calming down. I, of course, consoled him. It was odd though because usually we'll go get one of her pictures and we'll talk about her. But this time he didn't want anything to do with the pictures and started yelling "NO!" I don't know what that was all about. In any case he did calm down. And we did rock. It's just odd. Usually when we talk about her he smiles.

Today I'm going to pick him up early from daycare and spend some quality time with him going for a walk down by the water and seeing the boats. Maybe I'll even take him to the Indian Mounds park. Adam was fine. He's such a trooper.

I do my best for the babies but I don't know what is right to do and what is wrong. Should I have not asked about "mommy"? Did I put the thought there? I wish I knew. Sadly, there is no right or wrong and there are no rules. Anyhow, we rocked each other and I told him that I missed his mommy too.

the Parents of Murdered Children meeting

Man, was I sorry I missed it. I really wanted to go to this one. I feel like I'm losing friends (well I am) and I wanted to ask about everyone else's experiences without hearing any platitudes such as "well, if they were really your friends in the first place..........." Because many of the friends I've lost really were friends in the first place!

I don't know if it's me or what. I do know that my personality has changed quite dramatically. These are some of my new traits:

I'm abrasive
I'm self-abosorbed
I'm sensitive (I've always been sensitive but now I've taken being sensitive to a new level)

Some people (my old friends) have even called me a drama queen. Wow. Sadly, I think they are right. My whole life is surrounded by drama. But in my defense it isn't drama I'm creating for myself. It's real life, all too true, drama! I don't know what to do. Maybe I shouldn't share it the way I do. It's interesting that some people like me to share it and are genuinely interested while others think it's wrong to air it. While still others say I shouldn't worry about it and should do what's right for me. What is right? It feels right to me to express it but I certainly don't want to be considered a drama queen.

Some people (my old friends) think I've forgotten my old friends. This is true and it's not true. I haven't really forgotten my old friends. I've moved away from them in many ways because of what's going on in my life. I haven't forgotten them. I've just (and maybe this is my offense) taken them for granted and assumed they would always be there understanding that I'm just going through a lot of sh!t.

Some people (my old friends) think I'm ungrateful. And for this I'm truly sorry. Because I'll always be grateful.

I've hurt other people's feelings. I've been accused of things that if I've done them I'm sorry. I apparently express myself very badly. I've lost some of my softness and some of the social skills I used to have. I used to be more tolerant. I'm much less tolerant. I made an attempt to start participating on my favorite on-line forum and completely made a hash of it.

There are old friends that I haven't heard from in months in real life. Actually close to a year. Many I haven't heard from since Denise died. I don't know how to get them back. What's there to say?

I've made many new friends and finally had a day out a couple of weeks ago with a girl friend. It was my first trip out without Mark, Nate or the boys. We went to a ballgame and had a great time! We talked and talked. She's someone I met through the Parent of Murdered Children support group. It seems as if they are the only people who I can relate to. I ran into another member at Wal-Mart the other day and it was great! We talked like old friends. He hadn't been to the last couple of meetings either. You wouldn't believe how good it felt to run into each other. It was like family!

And then other friends have stayed steadfast and true. They seem to understand that I'm truly not quite my old self right now. They also seem to realize that I'm still trying to find myself. And that my being self alsorbed isn't really who I am. One old friend pointed out that I'm not the only one with problems.

I've always tried to be selfless. I've always tried to love and accept just about everyone. Maybe I was naive. At one time someone said my motto was "love the sinner, hate the sin". I don't know.

Some people would even ask "why should I care?"

And here I go again. Talking about myself and running on and on about me. Drama queen.

I'm really just trying to find myself and who I am.

Thanks for listening.

Internet access

2009-03-09T13:42:00.000-07:00

I'll be without it for a few days while we move.

I'll post as soon as I can.

All the families who have lost loved ones to violence or have children missing are in my prayers and thoughts.

Much love and peace.

Coral Rose Fullwood and homicide grief

2009-03-07T19:47:00.000-08:00

Poor sweet innocent baby.

I feel as if I'm becoming numb to it all. Not desensitized but numb. My mind can't wrap itself around some of the things we are learning.

We've learned the her daddy watched child porn with one of her alleged murderers at the daddy's work.

Huh? He watched children being RAPED at work with the alleged murderer.

Huh?

Who are these people? And what is happening?

Coralrose lived in the same small town not far from where Denise and Nate were living when Denise was taken. At one time they thought the cases might be linked. People even speculated that because Denise was tiny and petite and was mistaken for a child by a witness, that possibly Michael King had something to do with Coralrose's murder.

Coralrose was taken from her home in the middle of the night. She was later found beaten, raped and strangled in a ditch not far from her house. The police confiscated 10 (ten) computers from the home and Mr Fullwood admitted having child porn on them. Huh? Who needs 10 computers in your home?

Who watches child porn and children being raped? Who are these people and how can we get rid of them?

And the poor mom and the poor siblings....... God bless them with much strength and courage to get through all this. I can't imagine their PAIN!

This makes me so angry. I'm just angry. Angry for Denise. Angry for Coralrose. Angry for Jessica Lunsford. Angry for little Haleigh Cummings. Angry for Caylee Anthony. Just ANGRY!

Has the world always been this way? Have little children always been preyed upon?

I'm so disgusted. These people that do this are scum. I mean scum.

You have to understand that there's a lot of rage in homicide grief. Lots of rage. When we first lost Denise I couldn't read these stories. I had enough rage in me that I didn't need anymore. Now that I'm farther along in my grief, I'm starting to not be so oblivious. I'm starting to read more about others. For the longest time I couldn't let in anymore pain.

I feel so angry right now that I'm not sure I can read about Coralrose any more.

I met a friend (I consider him a friend) in Wal-Mart today. He lost his daughter to his ex son-in-law. The ex son-in-law shot her. Then he shot his and her two babies. A whole family wiped out! Just wiped out!

I think of my anger and then I look at this man and I think "how does he bear it?????" How does he contain that anger? Lloyd, if you read this, I do hope you start blogging. I am more than willing to read what you have to say. There is so much I can learn from you and your family. {{{Love and peace, brother}}}

I gotta stop writing. I'm becoming agitated.

Through all this my heart just breaks. It breaks everyday. Everyday, every hour and every minute.

Please God, help make this senseless madness that is going on in the world now stop.

the latest on Haleigh/Hayleigh Cummings

2009-03-06T19:59:00.000-08:00

I still want to spell it Hayleigh.

In any case, I haven't blogged about her in a while because other cases and other tragedies have taken my attention away. See my other blog. And also because there really isn't any news!

This tonight:
http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/03/06/haliegh.trailer.crime.scene/

I can tell you that the father, Roland/Ronald's not wanting to live in the trailer/house since she was taken does ring true. I probably should have written this before because it's been reported repeatedly. I just want to set the record straight that this makes sense and that is what happened with us.

When Denise was taken none of us wanted to re-entered the house. It's been over a year and I still haven't been by it or even want to go near it. Nathan and the babies never re-entered the house as far as I know of. My husband, Mark, his brother Steve and Deborah, Steve's wife were the ones that eventually entered Nathan's house after it was no longer a crime scene. They were the ones who went through everything and packed it up. You can read a little about it here:

http://toosad4words.blogspot.com/2009/01/special-thank-you-to-steve-and-deborah.html

We simply couldn't go back. I never EVER want to see that house again. For a while I wasn't sure I'd ever enter the city of North Port again. But the citizens of North Port well.... they've been phenomenally supportive and wonderful. Go North Port! They've been well..... just indescribable in their support.

I sure wish they'd find this little girl. I can hardly read some of the accounts in the paper. I have no idea what to think of the family. I've tried to defend them in every way. I do hope they unite and stay strong.

They have such a long road ahead of them.

That's all I wanted to say. The story of not wanting to go back into the place where Haleigh/Hayleigh was taken definitely rings true.

God bless them all.

week update

2009-03-02T20:02:00.000-08:00

This week's update:

Sad. That's it sad.

Overwhelmed because we're moving and losing our home. I missed a lot of work this year by taking off work more than I probably should have. I stayed home with babies the first few months after my daughter in law died. My husband is a mortgage broker. So, you can imagine.

We're to be out of the house by the weekend. sigh.

There's more good than bad. But I don't have the energy to post it.

In a nutshell? The babies are WONDERFUL!!! Gosh, I don't know what I'd do without them. They are the future. And! My son had great success in California and has been asked to speak throughout different parts of the country on 9-1-1 solutions.

So, it's good. I just miss Denise.

It's just wrong that's she's gone.

Sometimes.........

2009-02-23T18:09:00.000-08:00

Nothing, not words, not drawings, nothing can describe homicide grief.

We have Denise's picture displayed prominently on one of our side tables. It's placed there to be eye level for the two babies. It's a beautiful picture. Possibly one of her best. Denise was amazingly photogenic. Just beautiful. Inside and out.

Sometimes I look at her picture and just start crying. I don't know why. Other times, I'm fine. It's odd. Sometimes I look at her picture and I start to visualize her in the room. Most of the time when I visualize her she's carrying Adam, our youngest grandchild. I'll hear her voice answering me when I ask "how are you, sweetie?"

Sometimes the grief overwhelms me.

Me. Her mother in law.

I can't imagine how her own mother handles it.

Homicide grief. It's like no other.

A Rant: Little Haleigh Cummings and her family

2009-02-22T16:10:00.000-08:00

Apparently there's a lot of speculation going around about this family. The poor beleaguered dad is almost on trial. The poor beleaguered mom isn't helping the situation.

I hope and pray for this young child's sake that this family does all it can to stay together and represent a united front.

By infighting and pointing fingers of past offenses they are only making their suffering worse.

I wish somehow, someone would get this message across to them. .

Geraldo Rivera was issued a no trespassing warrant because he brought up some disgusting stuff with some terribly foul questions. He had the cruelty to pose those questions to the distraught father. That's just wrong. The father hasn't been indicted on any charges and to ask him questions about abuse during his marriage while his little girl is lost well...... Having a bad marriage doesn't make you a murderer. And the mom lost custody. She must've lost custody for a reason. To say there's some bitterness there would probably be an understatement.

This family needs to rise above their petty squabbling and stand together. If and when Haleigh comes back she's going to need BOTH her parents.

Maybe people like Geraldo don't think they are being cruel. Maybe they believe they have the right of free speech to ask any question they'd like.

Well, I submit to you that maybe they do have that right. But it doesn't make the right thing to do.

If these people had just an inkling of the pain that this family is going through they'd shut their foul mouths and wait for the police to do their jobs. They'd stop pointing fingers. They'd help the police. They'd help the family.

I imagine the Cummings family has friends who are helping them. I hope they have a community that is supporting them.

I'm telling you that when someone in your family goes missing, you can't handle any more pain.

Gosh, I'd wish they'd find this poor little girl.

Again, what has the world come to? Why are people hurting our kids? What is it in Florida? Is it Florida? Or is it everywhere and we just get all the bad pub?

Pilar Rodriguez, Carlie Brucia, Jessica Lunsford, Coral Rose Fullwood, Trenton Duckett, Caylee Anthony, Haleigh Cummings.......... And those just off the top of my head.

In more than one of the cases above the public scrutinized the families horribly and were wrong.

Let's look at these cases.

Pilar is still unsolved. They think she was abducted by her babysitter.

Carlie Brucia was abducted by a stranger and murdered. Her mother was pretty much and still is on trial by the community. Last tihing I heard she was drugged out and possibly a hooker or maybe it was a stripper. Who knows if that's correct? Bottom line is the child was taken by a stranger!

Jessica Lunsofrd was abducted by a stranger and murdered. Her dad was suspect in the beginning. Everyone was sure he did it or that the grandparents had been neglectful. People still mention the dad and saying he should'nt have gone out on a date that night and he should've been home. Sheesh.

Coral Rose Fullwood was abducted and murdered by a stranger. Possibly more than one. Immediately the family was put on trial. Reports of child abuse and neglect. The children were taken away from the parents. There were reports of human feces on the walls of their home. The father had child porn on his computer. But! Bottom line it's a stranger who's awaiting trial in jail. No connection to the Fullwood's has been proved.

Trenton Duckett remains unsolved. Her mom was blamed by the public and the press. She was never arrested. But, she committed suicide after Nancy Grace went after her. Trenton is still missing. Gee. So, losing a child and having to deal with the predators of the press can lead to suicide. Who knows? Maybe she was guilty of something. Sadly, because of the press, we'll never know. The police were unable to do their jobs.

Caylee Anthony. Who knows? I can't even begin to write about her case. But the mom's in jail. It took them a long time to get her in jail but she's there. Who knows what went on with the grandparents? Has the press distorted the facts or are the grandparents as whacked out as we've been led to believe?

Which leads us to Haleigh Cummings. And WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! IMO it's best to let the police do their jobs. The family IMO should shut up to the press, cooperate with police and stay united. These reports about them pointing fingers and mentioning past transgressions is not good for them and it's not good for Haleigh.

God give them strength and courage. They have a long road ahead of them no matter what's found out.

I continue to keep the entire family (both sides) in my prayers.

added edit: I really need to send a thank you to the press who have handled our case. You truly on the most part have shown compassion towards us and you have helped us. Thank you for that.

Missing children and homicide grief

2009-02-20T08:52:00.000-08:00

Many years ago, when I was a young mom, my mother-in-law made a comment that startled me. My oldest son was probably around 4 years old. She said "you better protect him" "there are crazy men out there that prey on young boys" etc........

I have to say I was pretty darned shocked. I guess I had grown up fairly sheltered. I grew up inside the Baltimore beltway less than a mile from the Baltimore City line. I didn't think I was sheltered but, yes, I was.

In any case, I thought my mother in law was being just a bit paranoid. I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined someone taking my child to satisfy their perverse needs. It seemed ludicrous. We were getting ready to move to the country and we were going to be isolated. My husband and I were looking forward to the peace and quiet. We were looking forward to the isolation.

Twenty years later my son and daughter in law moved to an isolated spot. They weren't moving very far away but the house was isolated. My mother in law was worried about Denise being out there alone all by herself with the two boys. In the same way she worried about me with my two boys twenty years before.

Again, I thought she was being just a bit paranoid.

Of course, we know what happened. A year after moving in Denise was taken from her home and separated from her babies in broad daylight. She was subsequently brutally raped and then murdered less than 5 miles from her house. The babies were left stranded in a crib. Denise, beautiful sweet baby at the age of 21, killed. Just like that. Gone. Snuffed out. Disposed of as if she was disposable. Not!

Our lives will never be the same.

Wow. Was I naive.

And all these missing children. I can't imagine the pain young parents must feel. The anger.

I never thought about missing children much. I figured they were usually taken by disgruntled spouses. And, I guess the majority of them are. Still.... what did I know?

And, wow. Was I naive.

Two stories over the years before Denise went missing moved me. Pilar Rodriguez and Shawn Hornbeck's stories for some reason.

Pilar mostly because we had just moved to Florida when she went missing and I felt at the time the police weren't doing all they could to find her. I thought it was because she was Hispanic. I could've been wrong. I hardly remember the details. I just remember the thought. I could've been way off.

Shawn Hornbeck because somehow he survived. His story is one of such hope.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm writing it for those readers that haven't gone through such a crisis. Protect your kids. Don't be paranoid but do be smart. It could happen to anybody.

I worry sometimes that my grandchildren will be kidnapped.

I wonder if I'm being paranoid.

I don't know. I answered the door the other day to strangers. They ended up being Jehovah's Witnesses. I thought afterward, "gee, maybe I shouldn't have answered the door." Was Denise taken simply because she answered a door? We don't know how he got in. We know the windows were open. Does that mean I have to lock my windows all the time?

What an insane world. It's really messed up. The questions why? why? why? I don't think I'll ever get past asking why. I know there are no answers.

I best stop thinking about it. I hope they find little Haleigh Cummings soon.

Sorry. Once again I'm crying on the inside not only for Denise and my family but for the Cummings family, for the Rodriguez's, the Lunsfords...... I cry for them all.

What's going on? What's wrong with us? These children (and I lump Denise in there at the age of 21) are our future?

Parents of Murdered Children

2009-02-19T07:17:00.001-08:00

Last night I missed another Parents of Murdered Children meeting. I was going fairly regularly to these meetings and find them very beneficial. It's difficult to express how I feel about the other people in the support group. All are families who have lost someone close to them to homicide.

It's the one place where we can go and not feel uncomfortable talking about our grief. It's difficult talking about homicide grief. It's rare, at least in my family, that we talk about it amongst family and friends. Why? You'd think we'd want to talk about it. Well, for us it's because we don't want to cause our loved ones anymore pain than they are already feeling. Let's say one of us is having an okay day, maybe even a good day. Who would want to spoil that day by bringing up our own grief? It's just going to bring them down. It's not going to lift us up by sharing it. Also, once we start talking about it, instead of grief coming out, we all start getting angry. And anger is a major part of the grief. We're not angry at each other, we're angry at the situation. We feel cheated.

And then when we do see people that we haven't seen for a long time... I don't know. They start asking questions and we don't mind answering them. They want to know. They're interested. They care. But after a while of talking about it.... I just get ill. I don't know about other people.

At the POMC meetings the others don't look at you cross eyed when you start talking about that anger. They "get it". They feel the same anger. They don't mention the cliches. If you start blubbering, they know just what to say. And sometimes it's nothing. Some of the people there have been there for years. They are especially helpful because they can give at least a little direction if not much. We are all so different. But there's hope in seeing them there. I feel a sense of comfort having them there. Seeing that they are still sane and haven't gone bonkers. These people aren't going to say "don't dwell on it" "you have to move on" "think of the positives" "God has his reasons" "think of the grandchildren" etc....

That's a rich one. "Think of the grandchildren". As if we don't think of the grandchildren!

I just erased a whole paragraph. I was going to share some of the stories from other families but I had to remind myself they are not my stories to share.

All the stories are tragic. All the stories are heartbreaking. All the stories make you want to cry.

Anyhow, they meet on Wednesday nights. Unfortunately, Wednesdays are Nathan's days off. So, a lot of the foundation business is usually planned for Wednesdays. Last night I missed the meeting because Nathan was practicing his CalNENA keynote address. I wanted to hear it. I could've made the decision to go to the POMC meeting but I opted to listen to Nathan. It's a 45 minute speech and it will address some 600 people.

I missed the last meeting because Nathan had a foundation meeting. I could've opted for the POMC meeting but it's rare I get to go to foundation meetings. I'm usually watching the babies. So, I opted for Nathan's meeting.

I just got word this morning that the SW Florida POMC is going to have 2 meetings a month. One in Punta Gorda and the other in Fort Myers. So, hopefully I'll be able to attend one or the other.

I missed December's meeting. I forget why. I missed November's meeting (it was my birthday). I may even have missed October's meeting! I can't even remember. But, it's been months.

Book Review "Peace Is Every Step"

2009-02-17T12:38:00.000-08:00

Seems silly to be doing a book review when I haven't even finished reading the book.

But, I have to tell you, this book is perfect in it's simplicity.

Homicide grief for me has been very complicated. I've suffered from depression in the past and it's been difficult for me to tell the difference between clinical depression and homicide grief.

And it makes you wonder how to treat it or if treatment is necessary. Personally, I've shied away from anti-depressants throughout all this. I'm not saying that's right or wrong. There is no right or wrong. We're all different and what benefits me may not benefit you and vice versa.

Be that as it may I've shied away from meds. I've been on them before and they messed me up.

Therefore, I've been looking for alternatives ways to feel better. As I mentioned in my last post, I've shied away from my bike and just look at it with a big yawn. I don't exercise the way I should and my diet is terrible.

I've got to do something. Anyhow, a friend living in Chicago sent me this book "Peace Is Every Step". (He also sent a DVD of Artur Rubinstein playing in Moscow, 1964. Bliss!)

Anyhow, the Rubinstein was a great gift but the book is perfect. I can utilize what the book is teaching me anywhere at anytime. I'm thinking if I practice it enough it will surely help me when it comes time for the trial.

I've only gotten through the first few chapters. I can't seem to get any farther I'm enjoying the beginning chapters too much. It's a very thin book and therefore non intimidating. (I don't have the attention span since the murder for thick books). The chapters are barely 2 pages long. It was written by a Vietnamese monk and he teaches how not to over think. He says thinking is good but too much thinking can be unhealthy. Something I've been saying since my daughter in law died. He teaches (at least in the first few chapters) how to breath and how to smile. If we concentrate on those two simple things, we'll think less often and it'll be easier to relax and "enjoy the moment".

Homicide's create chaos for all involved. I don't think a person can go through anything more chaotic and unbearable than homicide grief. It affects the entire family in different ways. It creates dysfunction throughout the family and among friends. I've often described my feelings as the Bermuda Triangle of feelings. If we are what we think, than there's nothing worse than homicide grief. Maybe suicide grief. I don't know. That would be terrible. The loss of a child. Terrible. The loss of two children playing in a trunk (which happened near here recently) has to be unbearable.

In all these heartbreaking scenarios, simplicity seems to be a start to an answer in healing. At least it is for me now after more than a year of this madness. And it is madness.

Health is a serious issue

2009-02-15T17:14:00.001-08:00

It's been just over a year since we lost our daughter-in-law.

And in all my reading I've read several times that health can become an issue when experiencing homicide grief. This is soooo true, at least, it's become an issue for me.

It didn't start out as an issue. I was fairly healthy when we lost my daughter in law last January. But, I've since gained at least 25 pounds. I've also lost 4 pairs of eyeglasses and if I don't get to the dentist soon, I could lose a couple of teeth. All within one year. I missed two mammograms, I mentioned those earlier. I very rarely exercise anymore. I just look at my bike and yawn.

Why? You wonder why. I've never been one to let myself go. I've always taken pride in myself. Now? heh.

I figure I'm getting plenty of exercise chasing babies!

In any case, tomorrow I'm setting up a dentist and an eye doctor appointment. I just have to do it. I've been to my other doctor and he seems to think I'm fine otherwise. The weight he said not to worry about. But! I don't want to get any bigger!!!!

I hate to buy another pair of eyeglasses but if I want to drive at night I just have to have them.

We had to exchange cars with my son tonight and I had to drive his pickup. The glare was downright scary. I don't like driving trucks anyway. It would be different if it were a clutch and we lived out in the country with hills and open road. Around here, it's a pain in the butt.

Anyhow, why do I post this? Just as as reminder to take care of yourself. Ignoring ourselves apparently really does catch up with us. It's catching up with me now. I'm downright embarrassed about going to see the dentist. And he's such a nice dentist too.

All my doctors are nice. I don't know why I don't want to see them more often.

From GriefWorks/ Suggestions for survivors of murder

2009-02-15T15:38:00.000-08:00

Even after a year I'm still finding new things that help. Sometimes I wonder what I'm searching for when looking at this stuff. Whether it's answers to why she was murdered or whether it's answers to are we every going to heal.

Our family is so full of dysfunction. The adjustments are constant and we're continually switching roles. I thank God that we were a close family to begin with because if we hadn't been, we'd certainly be tested now. As it is, everyone is stressed and strained.

This is what I found from GriefWorks:

suggestions for survivors of murder Someone you love has been murdered. Your whole world has been thrown into chaos and uncertainty. You feel vulnerable. Over time and with the help of other supportive people, you will get through this terrible time.

Some of the following suggestions may be helpful:

- Know you can survive. You may not think so, but you can;

- Struggle with why it happened until you no longer need to know why or until you are satisfied with partial answers;

- Know you may be overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings but all your feelings are a natural reaction to what has happened;

- Anger, guilt, confusion, forgetfulness are common responses;

- You are not crazy - you are in mourning;

- Be aware you may feel anger at the murderer, the person who died, the world, at God, at yourself. It's okay to express it;

- You may feel guilty for what you think you did or did not do to maybe prevent it;

- Guilt can turn into regret through forgiveness;

- Having suicidal thoughts is common. It does not mean that you will act on those thoughts. Find a good listener with whom to share;

- Call someone if you need to talk;

- Don't be afraid to cry. Tears are healing;

- Give yourself time to heal;

- If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may only be experiencing a remnant of grief, an unfinished piece. Grieving is like a roller coaster ride;

- Try to put off major decisions;

- Give yourself permission to get professional help;

- Be aware of the pain of your family and friends;

- Be patient with yourself and others who may not understand;

- Set your own limits and learn to say 'no' when someone asks something of you that you are not up to doing;

- Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel;

- Know that there are support groups that can be helpful;

- Call on your personal faith to help you through;

- Know it is common to experience physical reactions to your grief eg. headache, loss of appetite, inability to sleep, irritability or restlessness;

- Have the willingness to laugh with others or at yourself;

- Wear out your questions, anger, guilt or other feelings until you can let them go;

- Letting go doesn't mean forgetting;

and

- Know that you will never be the same again, but you can survive and even go beyond just surviving.

Copyright 2002 Griefworks BC

Access Griefwork's excellent archive of articles on grief now!

Link: http://www.thisisawar.com/GriefMurder.htm

Hayleigh Cummings and homicide grief

2009-02-12T19:22:00.000-08:00

A little girl has been missing in central Florida for the past few days. It echoes the Jessica Lunsford case.

I have difficulty watching other people's tragedies on the news. I didn't watch hardly any of the Caylee Anthony news coverage. I had a difficult time wrapping my mind around what the young mother Casey Anthony may or may not have done.

It's just since my daughter in law died it's difficult to open myself up to other people's pain.

I feel myself slowly healing though because I'm becoming less self absorbed and more concerned about others now. For the past year it's been all about my daughter in law.

It still is mostly about my daughter in law but I'm able to at least pray now for other people.

It's odd, I have trouble praying for myself and my own family. The prayers are weak. My anger is still strong towards God. I can't understand why these babies have to suffer. And whether they are 3, 5, 7,8, or 9, they are babies. And they are suffering.

I wonder sometimes if the man that killed my daughter in law went after her because she was so tiny and small. Maybe he thought of her as a child. I think of her as a child. She was only 21. To me that's a baby. All my babies are older than she was. And eyewitness who saw the abduction mistook her for a child.

Anyhow, whatever the case. I don't understand why little Jessica Lunsford had to suffer.

Or Coral Rose Fullwood.

I don't get it. I'll never get it. And each time someone goes missing whether it's a child or an adult it just brings back those days when we didn't know where my daughter in law was.

That's why I stayed away from the Caylee Anthony case. She was missing for so long.

I hope they find this little girl soon. And I pray they bring her home safe. God bless her family during this time.

Homicide grief a Year Later

2009-02-11T16:02:00.000-08:00

This is an edited version of a post I posted in my first blog.

Last March while writing about homicide grief, my grief was still very raw. Now, a year later it's still raw. The biggest difference is I've seem to have come out of what I can only describe as a zombie phase. For many months after we lost my daughter in law I was a zombie. I met people and attended fundraisers and was simply there. I didn't feel an active part of any of it. It was just all happening around me and I don't feel as if I contributed much other than my presence and of course, watching the babies.

I have hardened up some. I still cry quite often but not nearly as openly as I used to. I've become used to the newspaper articles and the news reels. Over this past New Years, one of the news reels proclaimed my daughter in law's story to be "the saddest story of 2008" at least locally. And I didn't cry.

Well wait a minute. I take that back. I did cry. But I cried on the inside. I read somewhere someone describe homicide grief saying "it's as if you're bleeding on the inside" and that's so true. It's a perfect description.

I also read that you don't get over it, you simply adjust. Or maybe someone told me that. I can't remember. But that's basically true too.

Anyhow, I believe I've come out of that zombie phase. I feel that "fog" lifting. Maybe it's because the holidays are finally over. Maybe it's because it's been a year. I don't know.

But as far as the pain? It's still as raw as it was a year ago. I still feel as if "I'm bleeding on the inside". And maybe it's because I'm no longer in the zombie phase, I feel it all more keenly.

One of the best things about being out of the zombie phase is being able to recognize all the good people out there. So many people trying to help. So many who are willing to listen to me. Yes, there are those who are sick and tired of the story and wish the story would go away. The woman who said "well, at least now you know other people have problems too"....... Well, I know not to talk to her about it anymore. I don't think she intended to be mean, it just came out as being mean. Maybe I do talk about it too much. It certainly absorbs all my thoughts. The sad thing is, I wasn't even talking about Denise. I was talking about that poor unfortunate golf pro who's life ended so abruptly.

People say you are your thoughts. Hmmmm...... Well crap. No wonder I'm such a mess.

And it's not so much just this. It seems that every week something else happens. It's such a roller coaster. One day you feel maybe not elated but at least at peace and the next day you feel like someone stepped on you again.

So anyway I'm seeing things a bit more clearly now. And I believe that's a good thing.

So many people who experience tragedies like ours have turned their tragedies into positive changes and hopes for other victims in either preventing future tragedies or with helping the victims families.

On a local level, I look at people like the leader of our Parents of Murdered Children support group. And wow! How inspiring is she! To give of yourself month after month by being there for others. And believe me, no matter how tragic it all is, there is comfort in numbers. You don't wish tragedy on anyone and it saddens you to know there are others out there experiencing the raw pain you are but being able to have someone hug you that "truly understands" is the greatest gift. IMO. You have family and friends who love you more than anything, but you know they don't quite understand even though you know they want to. Anyhow, this support group she brought about in our area won't bring her son back. But in a way it does. In a spiritual sense it brings him back for her. She knows that if she wants to talk about him, cry about him or rage about what happened to him no one is going to minimalize her pain and say "get over it". So, anyway, she's doing something truly wonderful for other people. And I applaud her for it.

On a national level, of course, John Walsh has got to be one of the most inspiring individuals in the country if not the world. And still after 27 years he still cries over his little boy. And of course, there are so many others we all know about.

Look at Shawn Hornbeck's family. They never gave up hope and are now not only coping with mending their family, they too are reaching out to others offering support and comfort.

Turning tragedy and anger into positive hope for others.

My son, of course, has started the a foundation in honor and memory of my daughter in law promoting solutions to 9-1-1 mishaps which was inspired by the overwhelming support of our community. There was so much money raised for him and the babies. And he took a large chunk of it to start this foundation to bring about improvement in 9-1-1 centers. It was his way of giving back to a community that gave us so much. And he wants to reach out to other families who have experienced similar tragedies. What a dragon he's taking on. It hasn't been easy for my son to continually put his pain on display in the media. But he knows my daughter in law's story and other stories need to be heard. My husband has been spending hours and hours researching 9-1-1 issues and is in contact with 9-1-1 industry people on a daily basis offering help where he can. My husband does the research and my son goes on shows and speaks.

What I'm trying to figure out now that I'm out of my zombie phase, is where am I going and what am I going to do to help bring positive hope and light to others. I don't know.

I do know that I'm only a support player in this tragedy. It's my son and daughter in law's story and I just have a support role. And maybe that's what I need to continue doing. Just being here, supporting, loving, holding the family together, and watching the babies!

I did delve pretty heavily into the 9-1-1 debacle of how our local 9-1-1 center totally screwed up. I still believe it was a cover up or intended to be a cover up. Why else wouldn't they have contacted the other police dept which had jurisdiction about the call? I'll never give up in the battle of exposing what they tried to do.

We just want so much not to have seen my daughter in law die in vain. The murderer certainly killed her. He shot her in the head. But the 9-1-1 center messed up bad. If we can help another family not go through a similar situation all the efforts will have been worth it.

Anyhow, thanks for listening again! Much peace and love to all.

The grandchildren's grief

2009-02-10T18:36:00.000-08:00

I hesitate to blog about this simply because I'm no expert. So what I'll share is my experiences with the children but I'll not give advice. I have none to give.

I say "my experiences" with the children because I believe they experience and react differently with different people. I believe they may react different with their MomMom (their other grandmother) than with me. She has a grace about her and a quietness. I'm a little louder and more talkative. Just as my relationships with my grandmothers were different, I believe their relationship with each of us are different. One's not better than the other they are simply different. IMO the roles of both sets of grandparents is to give the grandchildren the best of both worlds.

In the beginning I believe MomMom and I were both very worried. I was worried because my son moved in with her and the babies grandpa directly after my daughter in law died. They needed to be near the children and my son needed to be near them. Living in their home brought him closer to our daughter in law. So, it worked out for all of them. My husband and I felt almost stranded. Here I was my son's mom, and it didnt seem as if he needed me. His life was shattered and destroyed but I was "it seemed" not needed. I was so afraid of losing him and the babies. I felt alone and isolated.

I remember having a strong desire that lasted a very long time of wanting to hold my son and rock him gently back and forth. I wanted to desperately take his pain away. I learned then, that as a grown man, my son didn't necessarily need me holding him. And he certainly didn't need me hovering. I made a vow then that I would do my best to not meddle in his life and to have complete faith in him. I still do my best to hold on to that vow. The desire to rock him and hold him has never really gone away. I guess all mom's feel that. I can't imagine what MomMom is feeling.

I'm sure MomMom was worried too. It was her daughter who was lost. I can only imagine her thought pattern. But I believe she would've thought that possibly my son would come running to our side of the family when ever he needed someone. And that her role would dwindle in time. Who knows, my son may remarry someday.... etc.... the thoughts race. Who knows what the future brings? It sux having to think about it. Rightfully, the daughter should be there. It's unnatural that she's not. Anger again.

Fortunately, for her and me, we are both kind, loving, caring and compassionate individuals. I think we instinctively knew and know each other's fears. And we've done our best, without really saying so, to share willingly and lovingly.

Throughout this past year we've worked together in every way possible. I feel blessed that she's their MomMom. We're both very different. She's quiet. I'm more outgoing. But we're both the same in the way we love these babies and want the best for them.

That helps. A great deal. If I was to give advice that's what it would be. Be good to the in-laws and GET ALONG! It's so important for the children.

Our two grandbabies have been shuffled around quite a bit.

In the beginning my son lived with both boys at the in-laws. (He's since moved out). Then the in-laws went back to work and so did my son. I didn't go back right away. I stayed home with the boys. So, that worked out. I stayed with the boys during the day and then my son and the in-laws had them at night. We didn't feel comfortable putting them in daycare right away because when my daughter in law died she was a stay at home mom. So, we tried to respect that.

Eventually though, we felt it was time they went into daycare. I had to start working as much as I could and the boys needed it. Especially the older one. We started the older one first and eased the younger one in.

I should tell you that when my daughter in law died the oldest had just turned 2. And the youngest had just turned 6 months. They are exactly 18 months apart.

At the time of her death neither child could talk. The eldest was saying one word phrases but that was it. The only words he had put together were "bye bye big truck". My daughter in law was constantly working with him. But he digressed in some ways. She had almost had him potty trained and well........ it's over a year later and we're still potty training him. That's because we basically stopped because of the stress and didn't start again until a couple of months ago. I think the potty training brings back memories for him. I think he's fighting it for her. I don't know.

We do our best to keep her memory alive in both of them. The youngest does recognize her picture and can point and say "mommy" but he doesn't have any memory. I know I talk about her with the oldest quite often. I'll tell him he reminds me of his mommy especially when he's happy and silly.

I remember those first few months when I had them during the day. They were special days but there were odd times for the oldest. I remember he would look off into the distance. He couldn't play by himself the way most children do. He had to have constant attention. It was as if, when he played alone he would think and remember. I remember going into another room and finding him lying on the floor and just staring into space. I'd say "are you okay" and he wouldn't say. He'd just stare into space. I was puzzled at first and then learned that during those times he was thinking about mommy. I asked "are you thinking about mommy?" and he'd nod. So, I'd get her picture out and we'd chat about her. He'd sit on my lap and I'd go over how pretty she was and how she was always smiling. He enjoyed that immensely. He wanted to talk about her. He wanted to remember her. My husband sometimes would think I was being morbid but no. It seemed important to chat about her. The chats were and still are very casual and fun.

I remember times when he would take her picture (we have one that's very special that I keep out and in reach for him) and set it in the middle of the coffee table. Then he would play with his cars and trucks while she sat on the table watching. It was eerie. It gave me shivers and still does. But I let him.

Then there were times, later, when he started "I don't want grandma! Want mommy!" That is when he was first starting to be able to voice his feelings. "DON'T WANT GRANDMA! WANT MOMMY!!!!" oh my gosh. What do you do? Me? I cried inside and out. Then we cried together and I held him. We cried. But it was only once. We never did it again.

Then one night I went to kiss him goodnight and he wanted mommy. So I said "okay, close your eyes and pretend.... and then I'll be mommy. Close your eyes!" and he did. I kissed him and he was happy. That only happened once though. The moment has never been recaptured. We've never done it since.

It seems as if by the age of 3 he's accepted (and it took probably 7-8 months) that she's not coming back.

Anger issues? Yes, I know he has them. We all do. We can't run away from them.

But all in all, he's happy. He smiles and laughs and giggles 85% of the time. At least when he's here. (I started typing 95% but I brought that number down).

The youngest? I think some of us disagree on how to handle him. He likes his 3 B's. His Binky, his Blanket and his Bottle. He gets shuttled from daddy's to MomMom's to my house and has never had a "true" routine since his mommy died. His 3 B's are his routine. At 18 months, my son believes it's time to start weaning him. I oppose this but only mention it here. My son is the decision maker.

But he does good. He really does. He's a scamp, the youngest! He loves to perform! He's, of course, way ahead of the older one at his age because he mimics everything and he's a daredevil!

They are so precious. My daughter in law saved their lives. She literally saved their lives by keeping the perp/creep/monster as far away from them as she could. She laid down her life for them. I really really miss her.

I don't know what to do. I'm that numb.

2009-02-10T12:48:00.001-08:00

It's been a bad day. It started off with me messing up all Mark's emails by trying to install a new email program. He couldn't get access to them. And he needs access to them.

Then we received a very cold email from someone in the 9-1-1 industry that just blew my mind. I still don't see how people can't see that we are trying to help the best way we know how. We're not villians. We're concerned citizens. We're not attacking, we're seeking advice and direction. We just want to minimize mistakes and human errors. WE WANT TO HELP.

Then Mark's mom called. His Aunt Wilma is dying. She's older and in her eighties. She's lived a very good life with 5 kids all loving her. It's not unexpected. She's has cancer. But I can't stop crying inside. I was closer to Mark's Aunt Wilma than I've been with my own aunts during my adult years. That's not to say I don't love my own aunts dearly. I grew up spending nights at their houses, swimming in their pools, visiting and shopping. I couldn't have had better aunts growing up. Mark is very close to his aunt. I'm so worried about Mark.

Anyhow, I'm numb. Simply numb.

I can't even pack boxes today. I'm just staring at them.

It's the first day that I thought "if Nathan asks me to pick the children up from daycare, I'm going to tell him I can't do it."

I know it's because we have too much time on our hands. Everyone else has 40 hour work weeks. I have maybe a 10 hour work week. And Mark..... is barely working at all. So, we're the ones immersed in the 9-1-1 stuff. And it's depressing. Losing our house is depressing. Losing Aunt Wilma is depressing. Having to screw around with computers is frustrating.

So, Mark and I drove out to the fishing pier and took a long walk. It was very pleasant and we watched the dolphins.

Anyhow, I don't think I'm in any emotional shape to pick up the grandchildren. Nathan just called and asked me to. I said I would.

I wonder if I should call Sue and ask her to do it. I can't think straight anymore.

Then I think maybe having the babies will be a good thing and get my mind off this stuff. But, heck, I don't want them around my issues. And there's my concern for Mark. Some days he just can't deal with the kids.

sigh

I don't know what to do. If I'm not crying on the outside, I'm crying on the inside.

And now I'm not sure whether to put this post in this blog or the other blog.

In case you're curious. Yes, I need to see my doctor. I haven't seen him in a while. I stopped seeing the therapist even though he was free. I need someone very hardcore to handle my emotional issues. And, he I believe is just the wrong therapist.

We don't have health insurance. Heck, now we don't have a house.

Dang. I'm going to shut up. I'm going to lay down, take two aspirin and repeat over and over in my mind "you are not going crazy. you are not going crazy. you are not going crazy."

I'm going to post this in both blogs and deal with the decision after re-reading this later.

Much love and peace to all.

added edit:

I did end up picking up the kids. And, I'm very glad I did. Their warmth, their smiles etc....... truly lifted my spirits. It's impossible to stay down when they're around.

Homicide grief and the macabre

2009-02-09T15:25:00.001-08:00

Let me explain one thing. I'm home a lot. My hours have been cut back at both my jobs and I'm down to one day a week at each. The economy is taking it's toll as well as the grief. So, I think a lot. I try hobbies etc... I play the piano... I try to read... go for walks... (I haven't tried exercising and, yes, I know I should) etc.... In any case, I think too much

My mom always said "Don't think too hard, you'll hurt yourself." And it's true.

Anyhow, today I was in contact with my son's lawyer. And I said "I feel as if the monster/creep not only killed (my daughter-in-law) but he killed (my 'old' son) as well. In other words my son is no longer his oldself.

He's still wonderful. He tries so hard to constantly do the right thing. He's strong. He's stepping up and moving on as best he can. He lives with his two children (our grandchildren) and he's trying to be happy. That's the sad part "he's trying to be happy". He'll say things like "(his wife) wants us to be happy. She wouldn't want us to be sad. She was always smiling and she wants us to smile."

Sometimes I'll catch glimpses of his old self. I'll see him smile and laugh and crack a joke. I'll see him be playful but it's with other people. It's rarely with us. Maybe that's us projecting ourselves onto him. I don't know.

I know a part of me died that day. I'm no longer my old self. My husband is no longer his old self.

Do we try? Absolutely!!!!!!!!!

We're moving too. My husband and I are moving. I guess that's weighing on me as well. I hate moving.

Hopefully, the move will be a good thing. (Doubtful because we're talking about moving in with my mother-in-law).

sigh

Just thinking.

Pretty soon I'm going to write about my grandchildren's grief and what they are going through. I think it's important to look at this through their eyes. The oldest (now 3yo) is definitely grieving in little ways. The youngest (18mo) is struggling in little ways. But both are adapting exceptionally well. I'll explain in my next blog, maybe later tonight what I mean by grieving and struggling. All in all, I think they are doing fantastic. We're very blessed. Even just to have them alive! We're blessed. But I notice little issues that may be important to other people.

My son was a preemie. And I remember my doctor saying "children are survivors".

This is excellent

2009-02-08T17:30:00.000-08:00

I got this off the "This Is War ~ Grief" website I linked over with my links. Geez, it's exactly what we're going through. I can pretty much check off having felt every single issue listed.

issues unique to survivors

- Isolation, helplessness in a world that is seen as hostile and uncaring, and that frequently blames the victim;

- Feelings of guilt for not having protected the victim;

- The memory of a mutilated body at the morgue, how much did my loved one suffer?

- Getting back the personal belongings of a murder victim;

- Sensational and/or inaccurate media coverage;

- Lack of information;

- Seemingly endless grief;

- Loss of ability to function on the job, at home or in school, etc.;

- The strain on marriages (frequently resulting in divorce);

- Strain on family relationships;

- Effects on health, faith and values;

- Effects on other family members, children, friends, co-workers, etc.;

- Indifference of the community, including professionals, to the plight of survivors;

- Society's attitude regarding murder as a form of entertainment;

- Financial burden of medical and funeral expenses;

- Medical expenses for stress related illnesses;

- Professional counseling for surviving family members;

- Financial burden of hiring private investigators, etc.;

- Public sympathy for murderers;

- The feeling that the murderer, if found, gets all the help;

- Survivors of homicide victims have few rights;

- Outrage about the leniency of the murderer's sentence;

- Disparities in the judicial system (frequently punishments for property crimes are as great or greater than the crime of taking a human life);

- Anger over a plea bargain arrangement/agreement;

- Frustration at not being allowed inside the courtroom at the time of trial;

- Unanswered questions about the crime. What happened?

- Unanswered questions about postponements and continuous delays throughout the trial;

- Bitterness and loss of faith in the American criminal justice system;

- After conviction, the long appeals process begins; and

- Constantly reliving your story through the dreaded parole process.

© 1995, National Organization of Parents of Murdered Children, Inc

Warning: This blog contains violence DO NOT READ unless necessary. It's ugly.

2009-02-08T16:51:00.001-08:00

This post is extremely ugly.

I sincerely hope that no family or any close friends read this. I sincerely don't want to cause you pain. I love you.

I post it only because I want other homicide survivors to know that they are not the only ones thinking ugly thoughts. Please, do not read this unless it's necessary. It's deeply personal so unless you think you can learn something from it, don't read it. Please.

Interestingly it's no more violent than most of your CSI shows. But it's real and it's intensely personal. And oddly, it's not about the victim. It's about what the survivor of the victim goes through.

One of the major problems with homicide grief that adds to a lot of the anger issues, IMO, is how difficult it is to not visualize what may have happened to your loved one. I couldn't imagine being homicide survivor who witnessed the actual homicide. I simply can't imagine the nightmares and the visuals.

We're not exactly sure how things unfolded for my daughter-in-law. That's a problem within it self. You visualize things that may or may not have happened.

This is what we do know. We know she was raped and we know she was shot in the head. We know she was dumped in the shallow grave probably still alive but just barely. That's it. The rest we'll find out in the trial.

I get visuals that I can't stop. I try to stop them but they pop in anyway. It's really difficult to stop a thought once it's started. So, it's a constant everyday battle against thoughts and sometimes worse visuals.

About 3 or 4 months after Denise died my husband made a comment to me about our daughter in law being shot in the face.

She wasn't. She was shot in the side of the head as I originally thought. He honestly thought she was shot in the face. And, therefore, I took it as truth. I was extremely upset and shaken. I can't describe the horror I felt. I went around for two weeks not being able to tell people. People would ask me "what's wrong?" "What's wrong?" and I couldn't even put it in words it was such a horrific thought. I kept visualizing her beautiful face being blown apart. I felt horrible for my husband who had been carrying this belief around with him for several months and never speaking of it.

We never ever and/or very rarely talk about what happened that night. It's just too painful. And here my husband was carrying this around. I couldn't get past it, I was so horrified. The visuals were gruesome and terrible.

Until finally my son said "Mom! YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG!" Finally, I told him. The words still had trouble coming out. They were slow in coming for sure. I couldn't say it. I couldn't put it in words. Finally I did. My son said "Mom, Dad has it wrong. She was shot in the side of the head!"

How could that be any better? I don't know, but it was. My son then told my husband that evening. My husband thought she had been shot in the face for months because we never talk about it.

That was months ago. But the visuals still visit. They don't stop. They are relentless. Today I was laying down trying to nap with my grandsons. The visuals came back. I was picturing how delicate and beautiful my daughter in law was and missing her. And then my imagination started with what the monster/creep did to her. I pictured her struggling and fighting or just laying there detached from it all. Somehow those thoughts led to how he buried her.

The anger creeped in again. I thought "No wonder he buried her. No wonder he thought he had to kill her. He had marred and scarred such a simply lovely, delicate wonderful human being. He felt he had to destroy what he had ruined. So he killed her.

According to his MO, he's done this before and would definitely do it again.

But he didn't have to kill her. Yes, she would've been marred and scarred. But she would be alive! And with her family! Everyone loving her!!! She would've been with her babies!

I, of course, couldn't sleep. And because I had my grandchildren with me, I couldn't scream or yell or carry on the way I wanted to. Which would've been like a banshee.

But this a lot of why I think anger is such an issue. You simply can't get over what was done and how it was done to your loved one.

Some people have suggested a punching bag.

I find it so hard to understand why. Why? Why did she, who didn't have a malicious bone in her body, have to suffer the way she did? Why? She was sweet and innocent and never hurt anyone.

I hate being so angry. People say that the anger will subside after the trial is over. I certainly hope so. It's not like me to be this angry.

Well at least they explained

2009-02-07T09:38:00.000-08:00

This forum has been a part of my life for several years. I posted about it on my old blog. I've been, I believe, a very respected member of the community. I know this because this is the community that opened two college funds for my grandchildren. This forum is frequented by people all over the world.

It's been very dear to me.

I've missed it and I've missed the ability to interact with people I genuinely have grown to regard as a part of my family. They know more about me than most of my best friends.

Experiencing homicide grief you feel an instense feeling of isolation. I feel isolated from just about everyone I knew before we lost my daughter in law. It's no ones' fault. Everyone cares and expresses concern. But old friends seem to disappear. They don't know what to say. And when we go out, our conversations are so full of the murder, trial etc... that it's fun for no one.

As to the forum, I've had trouble (it's my own trouble) adapting and getting back into it. Other threads don't interest me. And these are threads starting by people I've genuinely grown to care about. I've become, IMO, quite self absorbed. I recognize this. I start and participate in threads that only concern me and my family. I don't like this. But, I can't seem to get past it.

Yesterday, I tried. But I made a great hash out of it, because ultimately it ended up being all about me again.

I went off the deep end and just shouted with rage. I was so angry at being called crazy.

For someone who is just barely hanging on emotionally, that's a dagger right in the heart.

Two of the posters were offended and deeply hurt because I was disagreeing with them. These two people apparently did a lot for the college funds. I guess they feel I haven't been appreciative enough.

So, that's it. My heart is broken over it.

But, there's nothing I can do about it. I won't go back. I'll just try to find and discover the new me.

I'll still see many of my friends hopefully on facebook.

But I won't go back there when people are so righteous they feel the need to be cruel.

I find that disgusting. And, no matter, what they did with the college funds, that had no right to continue to be cruel.

They should know, I even expressed it! That right now I'm emotionally crippled. I'm not crazy, but emotionally crippled? Yeah, most definitely.

The other problem with homicide grief is that people think we dwell on stuff. People think we need to move on. Well it just ain't that easy. We feel the pain everyday. We feel dysfunction in our family everyday. It doesn't go away. It's always there. The dysfunction is the reality. And we have to not only grieve, but we have to adjust to the dysfunction and it's a continual thing.

I'll figure it out. I'm strong. I'm hurt but it's just a matter of finding a new me that can deal with all the crap.

Someone said to me today "you have lost your mind"

2009-02-06T13:29:00.001-08:00

I guess I have. At first, I thought this person was kidding. But, no, he was serious. It all goes back to internet forums.

I'm so upset. I'm shaking. I haven't participated a whole lot in the forums. I haven't found much joy in it. But I keep going back hoping somehow to find that chemistry I felt with it before my daughter in law died. So I post an occasional thread about what's going on with my son and the trial and my blogging. But I've had trouble getting involved in the other threads about other stuff.

Yeah, I've lost my mind. Yesterday and today, I visited the forums and tried to participate more. I got involved and even got into some arguments. I asserted my beliefs in what I thought was right and wrong. I felt I had valid points. Some people even agreed with me. But others... told me I lost my mind.

They are angry with me. I don't even know why. I guess I have lost my mind.

I can't stop crying inside.

My whole life is different and topsy turvy. I wonder if I'll ever find myself again. I guess the reality is, I won't. I'll never be my old self again.

But that doesn't mean I lost my mind. That just means I've changed.

It's amazing how one statement can just shatter me. I feel as if I have needles sticking in me but they're on the inside.

I get so angry at people sometimes

2009-02-05T15:06:00.000-08:00

and my mind starts feeling as if I'm trapped in the Bermuda Triangle. I get angry and I grieve when people become petty and take pot shots at others. Sometimes they take pot shots at the less fortunate. Some people find it fun!

It breaks my heart. In our area a man and his wife just lost their baby son. The baby was 3 months old and for some reason he stopped breathing. The mother who was most likely terribly distraught gave the road name but said "street" not "avenue" or maybe it was the other way around. Anyhow 9-1-1 sent the paramedics too the wrong address 30 miles away.

Our area has been inundated with 9-1-1 tragedies recently because of a series of articles in a local newspaper exposing many of the inefficiencies.

Everyone seems emotional and upset. The newspaper has a forum where people post comments and you just wouldn't believe some of the insensitivity displayed.

The father blamed 9-1-1 the day after it happened. I'm sure he was lashing out. Sadly, because his wife was using an inexpensive cell phone, the call wasn't routed appropriately. It wasn't the dispatchers fault and it wasn't the mother's fault. It IMO the fault of the phone companies. They should be stepping up and placing inexpensive GPS systems in all cell phones. But NO! They don't want to do that because...... People will get rid of their landline phones and they'll become obsolete. Why else have a landline?

9-1-1 dispatchers are angry because they feel as if they are under attack.

I want to quote Rodney King and say "Can't we all just get along!"

Don't we all want to save lives?

Other forum issues

I belong to a wonderful on-line community that truly stepped up when my daughter-in-law died. They banded together and raised quite a sum of money for the grandbabies' education. Every single one of them displayed compassion and kindness during the tragedy.

But, I have issues going there anymore. I try to find some joy in it and can't. All the bickering and the pettiness. I wonder.... Was I the same way? Was that how I acted before my daughter-in-law died? Was I that petty and ugly? I guess I was because it's been going on for years.

I hate to say I'm above pettiness now. I'm sure I'm not. But I really don't have time for it. Don't these people realize that there are more important things happening in our world. And that it doesn't mean a hill of beans who's right on an internet forum.

I guess the problem with internet forums is a lot is lost when you can't see the other person's body language. Their nuances and inflections.

I posted in my old blog how wonderful the community is. And it is wonderful. But there are some days you just wouldn't know it.

So, rather than finding enjoyment at this forum that I've belonged to for years, I walk away feeling cold and disgusted.

Again I want to quote Rodney King and say "Can't we all just get along."

Tragedy

I think of all the hurt that people are experiencing all around us. Especially that young family who just lost their newborn son. They are in real true pain. I weep inside for them. I can't imagine how the mom is feeling not giving the right address. It's just tragic.

It truly pisses me off (excuse my language, I've become a potty mouth since my daughter-in-law died) that people can be so petty when there's so much tragedy happening around us.

Homicide grief and the frustration

2009-02-05T08:54:00.000-08:00

What do I find the most frustrating thing about homicide grief? The loss of ever being normal again.

Maybe because it's only been a year, I don't know, but! I feel sometimes as if my family and I will never be normal again.

Sadness and anger. They seem to overwhelm me.

Thank goodness for the grandbabies. They are our joy! But what a burden for them to have to bear.

SIGH.

Homicide grief and an Introduction

2009-02-05T08:41:00.000-08:00

Let me start at the beginning. We lost our daughter-in-law to a horrific murder last January 2008. She was kidnapped in broad daylight from her own home by a total stranger/creep. She did all she could to save our two grandchildren who were only babies at the time. She left them in the same crib, closed all the windows and locked the doors so they couldn't get out. Sadly, she had to leave them alone to get the creep as far a way from them as possible.

Apparently her abductor took her to his home and brutally raped her. From what I was told "he did everything to her you can think of other than mutilate her.

He later shot her in the head and threw her in a shallow grave.

We're fortunate that he is behind bars and our state is seeking the death penalty in the trial which should start late summer of 2009.

I remain anonymous because many of you who are experiencing what we're experiencing realize there's a lot of anger involved with homicide grief. We have major dysfunction in our family right now and who wants to bring more grief to their own family when they are already suffering so much.

I had started another blog a couple of months ago but with legal issues, and the stress it was causing other family members, I decided to stop it. I'm not sure if I was hurting anything legally. I only stated what was already in public record and of course my own opinions. But I worry about hurting the case. As far as family members go, I worry that I was adding more stress to them than they already have. Gosh, we already have enough stress going on. I certainly don't want anyone adding any more to mine. My husband and son, never really read the blog. For them it was too painful, I guess. But they were always worried that I was blogging about something that maybe they thought I shouldn't be. That's one thing about homicide grief! You become paranoid about what you can say and what you can't for more reasons than one.

I display a lot of anger when I blog. And I think the anger caused them great concern. It really shouldn't have. They are just as angry. My son even more angry. They just express it differently.

Anyhow, I thought that if I started this thing anonymously, I could say whatever I wanted.

I'm no expert on homicide grief. I'm not a doctor and I don't hold a college degree. I'm a high school graduate and that's about it. I've worked retail my entire life. Right now, I hold down two jobs, just barely. That's another problem all together. I'm fortunate I even have those jobs. I work in a cosmetics store, one day a week and I absolutely love it, except since the horrific event, I'm not nearly as good at it as I used to be. I find it difficult sometimes to be as creative. I'm getting better though. Also, my attention span is shot. I also work in a bookstore but can't run the cash register anymore. I just become unnerved and downright frazzled. I can do customer service okay but the cash register just frightens me. This is highly unusual and has to do with the homicide grief totally.

I have problems at home too. I thought they would go away but they haven't. My house is filthy. Piles are everywhere. I'll start on a pile and then lose interest. Vacuuming? huh! It doesn't happen. Lately I haven't even been scrubbing the kitchen floors. I used to keep them spotless because one of the grandchildren was still just crawling. Well, now that he's no longer crawling, I rarely scrub the kitchen floor. Homicide grief.

Other issues? Oh my they are countless. I can't remember names and faces. I've missed two mammogram appointments in a row. Totally just missed them. Forgot to go to them! Yes, they are posted on my refrigerator but somehow I missed them. I have no idea how.

I'm not sure but I think I was supposed to work at the bookstore last Saturday and I didn't show up. I was thinking Sunday evening about how I had to work the next day and thought "was I supposed to work yesterday?" When I got to work the following day they had already posted the new schedules. I asked everyone but no one (or maybe they did but were being kind) seemed to know and just laughed it off.

Everyone has been so very very kind. Truly kind. Employers, strangers, neighbors, family, old friends, new friends, gosh.

We've seen evil enter our lives. But we've seen so much love and compassion. Seeing so much love and compassion it's a wonder we're all still so angry. I wonder about that. Is evil that strong? I mean really. One man committed an unspeakably evil act. One man! And thousands have shown compassion and caring. Yet, we're still angry.

Homicide grief is truly unimaginable if you haven't experienced it. I find it very interesting that no matter how often we try to explain it, we never seem to do it justice.

One important thing that I feel I should disclose. Our experience with homicide grief is a tad different than most experiences. Our case has received all kinds of media attention. Also, our community stepped up and raised an unbelievable sum of money for my son and his two boys. College funds were opened for the boys. A Foundation has been started using a big part of those funds raised to help other homicide survivors and victim's related to 9-1-1 mishaps. Countless fundraisers were held from car washes to golf tournaments. A bill was named for my daughter-in-law and my son has been on countless national TV shows fighting for 9-1-1 reform.

Anyhow, the outpouring of support has been phenomenal.

We're striving to give some of that back. I want so much to help other families that are going through similar tragedies. When this first happened I thought "gosh, the community saw a good family and stepped up for us". But now! Now, after having attended so many Parents of Murdered Children meetings and meeting other families of victim's of violence, I realize this happens to good families all the time. ALL THE TIME! And they haven't gotten and don't get a portion of the support we've gotten. I worry and wonder about that. It's not fair.

But it's a burden too. It's hard to explain. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to crawl in a corner and just cry, help my son raise his children, and craw into a cave hiding from the world. And other times I realize, no. You can't do that. Because I know it's not fair we've received support and other families have been ignored. Literally ignored. It's not right.

So with this blog I hope to share a bit of my soul and the soul of my family so that other people who may be experiencing the loss of a precious loved on through homicide will know that they are not going crazy. It's the situation that's crazy. Not you.