Thoughts on the Upcoming Trial

printed in both blogs

Trials. What can I even say. My feelings? My feelings can be pretty much summoned up in one word.

Dread.

There are other feelings but if I were looking for one word to define my feelings, dread would be it.

I simply feel sick about it. Our trial is scheduled to begin August 17th.

If I've been mum for a while it's because there isn't much to say. Other than it's an awful feeling.

Tomorrow people will be celebrating Memorial Day. People will be cooking out and playing horseshoes. We used to do that. I just can't.

Memorial Day is about dead men and women who gave their lives for our country. Now instead of thinking about "cooking out" all I can think about is how people lost loved ones in horrific ways.

I still don't think anyone could die as horrifically as Denise did. But I guess people do.

It's hard not to think about the Jessica Lunsfords and the Carlie Brucias. I simply don't understand how someone can torture and kill (I consider rape a torture worse than waterboarding) such young innocents. It's just beyond understanding.

Okay, so I'm being very morbid on a Sunday morning. Now you know why I haven't written anything in a while. My thoughts are ugly and sad. I'm truly dreading the upcoming trial. I can't help crying thinking about it.

I do have some good moments. Yesterday, we had Adam for some one on one time. He's so precious. Mark's mom expressed regret that Denise was not here to see him grow. Well, I believe she is here and she is watching him grow. What I find sad is that Noah and Adam are missing out on having her here. They never really and never will have an opportunity to know her other than through our memories. They'll never experience her laugh. They'll never experience her joy and tenderness again.

They have been quite simply robbed.

You can see it in Noah's face. He has been especially robbed and he really misses her. He talks about death now around us. He knows now, I believe, that she's not coming back. He's handles it very stoically. And you can see how he's trying to adjust. He has his joyful moments too. And I believe he has more joyful moments than sad. I think now that he knows for sure she's not coming back he's actually doing a bit better. But it's hard for him. He has a million questions. He's only 3.

It makes you wonder if the alleged perpetrator could be put on trial for robbery as well. Because he really did rob us. I mean he ROBBED US. Especially Nathan and the boys.

I'll stop. I'm just not looking forward to the trial and I wanted to jot down why I haven't been writing much.

I really need to get to one of those meetings for Parents of Murdered Children. I think I should try the one in Sarasota. hmmm... we'll see. I'm just sick thinking about it.

I guess we should focus on the positive. The positive being the help and support we want to give to the 9-1-1 industry so that what happened that night with the blown chances of saving Denise in the 9-1-1 center doesn't happen to another family.

Two things could have saved Denise that night. 1.) Certification and standards for the 9-1-1 call taker and dispatchers. They had the training and they had the technology but they weren't using either appropriately. And 2.) cell phone location. Denise made a 9-1-1 call that lasted seven minute and had we been using GPS technology we could have found her.

Would she have been damaged? Yes. But she'd still be with us. I feel unbelievably strong about that.

sigh

It's been a couple weeks since my last blog

Why? Lots happening I guess. A lot of good is happening. And I'd like to share some of the good. Are we still heartbroken, sad and lost without Denise. Yeah. It's doubtful that will ever go away. And we have the trial coming up.

But on to the good things.

I met an Iraqi war veteran named Pete. Pete is 26 years old and lost his leg due to a roadside bombing. I sat next to him on the plane to Las Vegas and we talked for 5 hours about Post Traumatic Stress. What a gift that flight was. I think Denise's tragedy helped put things in perspective for him and talking about his tragedy helped put things in perspective for me. Dear Pete, if you ever read this, I hope you remember me. I'll always remember you. It's interesting. Pete's PTSD is not too different from our PTSD. Pete and I had true AHA! moments on the plane. We kept saying to each other "yep! that's how I feel!" It's what we do about it that makes a different. I added a quote to the right of this blog to remind me what true courage is. Pete has it. And I hope I do too.

I also met some very very wonderfully good people while out in Las Vegas. All fighting to keep 9-1-1 standards high. All fighting to keep crime from happening. All fighting to save lives. All fighting and have been for decades to see tragedies like Denise's debacle in the Florida 9-1-1 center that night from happening again. People are going to be abducted. People are going to be murdered but if we can prevent and minimize the tragedies through efficient 9-1-1 protocols and policies throughout the nation then....... well. I don't know what then. Then I may get some rest at night.

Another good thing is I'm starting to become more aware again of the world swirling around me. I'm able to ask other people "how are you?" not just to be polite, but out of true concern. I'm able to listen and dissect their answers. I always try to ask. I'm always concerned. But I don't always comprehend what they've been telling me. That's a big step for me.

I still feel as if I have ADD/ADHD. My attention span is still very short. I still have trouble reading thick books. But at least I can hold a conversation. Most of the conversations are still filled with all this 9-1-1 stuff and probably will for a long time. This fight for Denise......... It's almost like a gift to her. A repayment. It sounds crazy and it's hard to explain. I'm not explaining it very well but we owe her so much. She saved our grandbabies. She gave us our grandbabies. She didn't deserve to die. She laid down her life so that our grandbabies could live. She was so brave. She didn't deserve to be murdered. And she didn't deserve the poor policies and practices at the local 9-1-1 center. The 9-1-1 center has an excellent training program. And it's using good technologies. But they allowed their call takers and dispatchers to not have to use their training and they didn't use the technologies that were available to them.

Oh now I've gotten off track. This was supposed to be a positive post.