Thoughts on the Upcoming Trial

printed in both blogs

Trials. What can I even say. My feelings? My feelings can be pretty much summoned up in one word.

Dread.

There are other feelings but if I were looking for one word to define my feelings, dread would be it.

I simply feel sick about it. Our trial is scheduled to begin August 17th.

If I've been mum for a while it's because there isn't much to say. Other than it's an awful feeling.

Tomorrow people will be celebrating Memorial Day. People will be cooking out and playing horseshoes. We used to do that. I just can't.

Memorial Day is about dead men and women who gave their lives for our country. Now instead of thinking about "cooking out" all I can think about is how people lost loved ones in horrific ways.

I still don't think anyone could die as horrifically as Denise did. But I guess people do.

It's hard not to think about the Jessica Lunsfords and the Carlie Brucias. I simply don't understand how someone can torture and kill (I consider rape a torture worse than waterboarding) such young innocents. It's just beyond understanding.

Okay, so I'm being very morbid on a Sunday morning. Now you know why I haven't written anything in a while. My thoughts are ugly and sad. I'm truly dreading the upcoming trial. I can't help crying thinking about it.

I do have some good moments. Yesterday, we had Adam for some one on one time. He's so precious. Mark's mom expressed regret that Denise was not here to see him grow. Well, I believe she is here and she is watching him grow. What I find sad is that Noah and Adam are missing out on having her here. They never really and never will have an opportunity to know her other than through our memories. They'll never experience her laugh. They'll never experience her joy and tenderness again.

They have been quite simply robbed.

You can see it in Noah's face. He has been especially robbed and he really misses her. He talks about death now around us. He knows now, I believe, that she's not coming back. He's handles it very stoically. And you can see how he's trying to adjust. He has his joyful moments too. And I believe he has more joyful moments than sad. I think now that he knows for sure she's not coming back he's actually doing a bit better. But it's hard for him. He has a million questions. He's only 3.

It makes you wonder if the alleged perpetrator could be put on trial for robbery as well. Because he really did rob us. I mean he ROBBED US. Especially Nathan and the boys.

I'll stop. I'm just not looking forward to the trial and I wanted to jot down why I haven't been writing much.

I really need to get to one of those meetings for Parents of Murdered Children. I think I should try the one in Sarasota. hmmm... we'll see. I'm just sick thinking about it.

I guess we should focus on the positive. The positive being the help and support we want to give to the 9-1-1 industry so that what happened that night with the blown chances of saving Denise in the 9-1-1 center doesn't happen to another family.

Two things could have saved Denise that night. 1.) Certification and standards for the 9-1-1 call taker and dispatchers. They had the training and they had the technology but they weren't using either appropriately. And 2.) cell phone location. Denise made a 9-1-1 call that lasted seven minute and had we been using GPS technology we could have found her.

Would she have been damaged? Yes. But she'd still be with us. I feel unbelievably strong about that.

sigh

It's been a couple weeks since my last blog

Why? Lots happening I guess. A lot of good is happening. And I'd like to share some of the good. Are we still heartbroken, sad and lost without Denise. Yeah. It's doubtful that will ever go away. And we have the trial coming up.

But on to the good things.

I met an Iraqi war veteran named Pete. Pete is 26 years old and lost his leg due to a roadside bombing. I sat next to him on the plane to Las Vegas and we talked for 5 hours about Post Traumatic Stress. What a gift that flight was. I think Denise's tragedy helped put things in perspective for him and talking about his tragedy helped put things in perspective for me. Dear Pete, if you ever read this, I hope you remember me. I'll always remember you. It's interesting. Pete's PTSD is not too different from our PTSD. Pete and I had true AHA! moments on the plane. We kept saying to each other "yep! that's how I feel!" It's what we do about it that makes a different. I added a quote to the right of this blog to remind me what true courage is. Pete has it. And I hope I do too.

I also met some very very wonderfully good people while out in Las Vegas. All fighting to keep 9-1-1 standards high. All fighting to keep crime from happening. All fighting to save lives. All fighting and have been for decades to see tragedies like Denise's debacle in the Florida 9-1-1 center that night from happening again. People are going to be abducted. People are going to be murdered but if we can prevent and minimize the tragedies through efficient 9-1-1 protocols and policies throughout the nation then....... well. I don't know what then. Then I may get some rest at night.

Another good thing is I'm starting to become more aware again of the world swirling around me. I'm able to ask other people "how are you?" not just to be polite, but out of true concern. I'm able to listen and dissect their answers. I always try to ask. I'm always concerned. But I don't always comprehend what they've been telling me. That's a big step for me.

I still feel as if I have ADD/ADHD. My attention span is still very short. I still have trouble reading thick books. But at least I can hold a conversation. Most of the conversations are still filled with all this 9-1-1 stuff and probably will for a long time. This fight for Denise......... It's almost like a gift to her. A repayment. It sounds crazy and it's hard to explain. I'm not explaining it very well but we owe her so much. She saved our grandbabies. She gave us our grandbabies. She didn't deserve to die. She laid down her life so that our grandbabies could live. She was so brave. She didn't deserve to be murdered. And she didn't deserve the poor policies and practices at the local 9-1-1 center. The 9-1-1 center has an excellent training program. And it's using good technologies. But they allowed their call takers and dispatchers to not have to use their training and they didn't use the technologies that were available to them.

Oh now I've gotten off track. This was supposed to be a positive post.

An emotional couple of days

I haven't blogged about my emotions lately. I've been bloggin 9-1-1 and cookbook stuff because it helps to be doing something positive and the cookbook stuff has been keeping me busy. But the emotional roller coaster continues to run.

Next week members of the foundation (including moi) are going to Las Vegas for the NAED (National Academies of Emergency Dispatch) conference. I have mixed emotions about it. I believe I should be excited about going to Las Vegas. Who doesn't get excited about Vegas? Well.... I'm not all that excited. I take that back. I am and I'm not. I am excited because it will give me an opportunity to meet 9-1-1 industry people. When Mark and Nate came home from San Diego they said it was the most incredible experience (other than getting married and having children) they ever had. That the encouragement and the support for our cause and for them was phenomenal. They said the people were just wonderful. It made them feel good. I so want to feel good. Suddenly all we are doing was making sense and we felt we were being heard. So, there are many people think it would be good for me to meet some of these same people and experience the same positive energy. More importantly I'm to man the booth. Which I'm good at and have lots of experience doing.

I'm not looking forward to it because I don't want to be that person people feel sorry for. I'm afraid that I might break down and share my grief too much. I'm afraid of telling Denise's story over and over again. I'm sure I can. I'm sure I just have the jitters but as I've said before, it's not easy getting out there and putting your pain on display.

I'm worried about parties etc.... I don't want to go to parties. Yes, I want to meet people and network to promote our cause. Yes, I want to laugh. I like to laugh. Yes, I want to go to dinner. But I don't think I can actually party. We'll see.

Aside to Kevin: If you're reading this, dinner is on! You've been so incredibly supportive.

I'm just sharing my thoughts. I'm not sure how I feel.

But I think it's an important trip and the right thing to do. I'm primarily going to work the booth at the convention. I've been working boothes at conventions and home shows for years. I'm good at it. I know Denise's story and 9-1-1 debacle in her case inside and out. I feel very comfortable about doing it. It'll be nice discussing it with people who actually know what I'm talking about. It'll be wonderful to hear their thoughts as to what can be done, what we should do, and where we should go from here.

But I know it's going to take a lot of emotional energy.


Today

Today wasn't a good day for me. We're shipping a lot of stuff out to the conference center before we go. We have a very large picture of Denise. It's this picture about 35" W x 25" H

The picture is almost life size. As I was driving, I had the picture in the front seat and I couldn't help touching her face. It brought back memories of when we used to go places with the kids (doctors etc...). It was hard driving and holding back tears.

Then I stopped at one of the foundation member's workplaces to ship the stuff. The foundation member (a true angel in blue) works less than a 1/4 mile from where Denise's body was found. At the entrance to the street where Denise's body was found the road is closed but there's teddy bears, flowers, ribbons etc.... on one of the road signs.

Above is a picture from the newspaper early in 2008. I had to drive by it twice today to get Tammy's workplace. Since this picture was taken many more bears have been added and many many more flowers. It was hard for me to see. I don't go near that area unless I absolutely have toand today I had to. I avoid it like the plague. Anyhow, seeing it was almost unbearable. Why? Because it was dirty and dingy. The bears were filthy with highway grit and dust (it's very close to I-75). I thought, oh my! So I went to the local dollar store to get some silk flowers (the closest Michael's is a half hour away) but they were closed due to the economy. That's what their sign said. So I went to the Publix. They didn't have any silk flowers. And there I was in a quandary and almost breaking into tears as to what to do. It seemed silly, a woman in the middle of a grocery store getting ready to cry. I know this sounds pathetic but the feelings were very genuine. What do you do? So, I bought some real daisies and drove back to the sign. I cleaned away as much debris as I could and all the dead flowers. I was in tears. I had to fight the "compulsion" to get a sponge and start cleaning the bears and faded ribbons. I wanted to brighten it up and make it cheery. The bears up close didn't look as bad as they do far away. You could see they had been placed there with love.

I don't know whether we should take it all down or leave it up. I think it should stay. But it has to be kept nice! By the time I left it, I was a wreck. When I get back from the conference I plan on going back with very bright silk flowers. I can't clean the bears but I can spruce them up some.

Anyhow, I cried all the way home (half an hour drive). I felt people were looking at me. There I was in the car with Denise's lifesize picture sitting next to me. I could've turned the picture over so I wouldn't have to see it. That would've kept me from reaching out to her. But that not right!!! It's all still that painful. Then I have the bumper sticker so I felt I was being stared at. I know there are people out there who thinking we should just "get over it".

So many people want me to read "The Shack" by William P Young. It's a Christian book about a man's whose daughter was abducted and brutally murdered in a shack. Four years later he receives a note supposedly from God that tells him to visit the shack. Sorry but I can't read that! I don't want to read about someone being abducted and brutally murdered. I don't care if they do find God in the end. (I haven't lost God. I'm just mad at him.)

Besides, I'm sorry but I think it's going to take longer than 4 years to get over this!

The good thing about the book is that it helps people better understand what we're going through as far as grief and anger. It doesn't help them necessarily understand our relationships (or at least my relationship) with God. That's a personal journey and everyone's is different.

Our foundation

Our foundation isn't going to stop people from being murdered. The murderer killed Denise. He's evil. But if we don't do all we can to help prevent further mishaps in 9-1-1 centers which will help prevent other families from suffering the way we and other families such as the Perez's and the Johnson's and the Cantrell's and the Zimmerman's and the Koon's etc...etc...etc... I just think we'd be doing a great wrong.

Sorry to go on.

Yesterday

Yesterday was even more emotional. Sue was in an accident with the babies. All are fine. It wasn't Sue's fault. Some maniac pulled out in front of her and could've killed the boys. We were all shaken up. Just the thought of losing the boys was terrifying. And I mean terrifying. Poor poor Sue. I can't imagine what she felt. Thank God, she was smart. She saved the boys lives. And Denise and whoever up above were watching out for them. I know the other families know what I mean. I mean it was terrifying thinking we could've lost those boys.

Oddly, Sue tried to call 9-1-1 from her cell phone but the call seemed to keep dropping. (We're pretty close to the water). They had to go in and call from a local business. She doesn't know why her call wouldn't go through.

Again, sorry to go on.

Much love and peace. We're all fine.

I've printed this in both blogs because I don't know if it's about grief or 9-1-1. I'm that muddled.

An apology

I'm sorry if I unnerved anybody in my last post. I can't take back anything I said because it's all true. But I am sorry. I was pretty fired up at the time and it's best to let it out here.

Again, my apologies. I just get very upset when people question my faith. It's my faith and I have to handle it.

Love and peace.

Frustration

Homicide grief in my opinion can be so frustrating for all parties involved.

I believe that the people who truly don't understand homicide grief simply don't realize it's not something you just "get over". You can't just "move on". I find these people can be those who love us and want to help us but simply because impatient. Especially when they don't see results in the time frame they deem is appropriate. So, they "throw up their hands". Then we "throw up our hands" and then they just give up.

They don't realize that giving up is not an option for us. Survival is our only option and that's a constant battle that could be more described as a war because it's comprised of many battles.

Tonight someone said to me "I thought of Denise yesterday. And I believe she'd be upset to know that you are still so sad and grieving".

I had to fight the impulse to yell at her. "Don't throw that on me!" We have a lot of anger and pushing us will only makes us angrier. It' doesn't mean we're angry at anyone in particular. We're quite simply mad at the situation. So, I just kept silent.

Then there are those people who start going on about God. I believe in God. I'm very mad at God right now. Sometimes I'm not sure there is a God. In any case, I'm going through a very personal journey with God right now. And it's more than personal, it's profoundly personal. I can't go to Mass because I just sit there and sob. This isn't something I'm embarrassed about. At this point I don't care if people see me crying or not. The reason I feel uncomfortable in going is I don't want to be a distraction to the other people. I go to church alone (sometimes I take Noah) and I just sit and look at the cross and bask in God's presence. I'm very angry at God but I still need his comfort. I can't pray. Where would I start? What to pray for first. If there is a God, he knows the problems and the tragedies. I have to get on with doing what I can do. I can't wait for him. What ticks me off is this is nobody's business but my own unless I choose to share it! I shouldn't have to explain that to people.

The same person I mentioned above has been going on about God for quite sometime. I just want to shout "Leave me alone! My relationship with God is personal and I appreciate your good intentions but, please, don't intrude on me and my faith!" It's "my faith" and no one elses. Pray, yes. That'll help. But don't preach. And for God's sake do not say "It was God's will!"

It's like fingernails on a chalkboard. I still think Denise suffered more that Christ. If I go to Hell, I go to Hell! I think she did. She didn't choose to die. She was terrorized, humiliated, raped, dragged away from her two babies, did I say terrorized? She did everything she could to live! Christ knew he was dying and he knew why. He made his choice so that Denise's murderer could commit murder and be saved? Sorry but I just don't get that!
Sheesh.

That person is starting to "give up"on me. She insists I don't want help. She's right. I don't want that kind of help. Help to me would be comfort, support, hugs and prayers. Prayers because I can't pray.

We have major issues! We have two toddlers trying to adjust without their mommy and they need to adjust to a grieving dad. We have PSTD coming out of the yingyang. We fighting to survive! I know that's difficult for most people to understand but we are. Our family is fighting for survival.

Sorry for the rant. I can't help it. This stuff drives me bonkers. Not the PTSD the other crap.

If I sound upset, I guess I am:o)


Aside to Crystal: You are so dear. I'll be thinking of you next week. Love you and many many hugs. We'll survive! I don't know how. But we will.

It's gifts like these that truly help a person through their homicide grief

This gift means so much simply because this friend doesn't question, doesn't probe, doesn't hurry me or my family and she accepts our grief for what it is. That in itself is a gift.

A dear close friend posted this on their blog for me!! Tammy the blog writer and I met after Denise died. What a good friend she's been to me, Nate, the foundation, Mark, the Goffs, all of us. She was the person who took on some serious blogging about Denise in the beginning. And she's the person who encouraged me to blog. I thank her for that and for the gift she posted in her blog tonight. You may know as amomandherblog It's difficult to find words to express the comfort I feel knowing so many people care.

This is what she posted:

http://amomandherblog.com/?p=1402

Isn't it beautiful!

Homicide Hurricane Grief Chart/Another Parents of Murdered Children meeting missed

A few days ago I posted my Homicide Hurricane Grief Chart. Since I posted it, I realize I omitted quite a few emotions from the equation.





I feel isolated in the eye, as I said before. But what's truly horrific and appalling is how frightened and terrified I feel.

I'm frightenend and terrified because I don't think me and my family will ever get out of that eye. And worse I don't believe the storm will ever pass or end.

I'm hurt, angry, terrified, frightened, panic stricken, and quite simply overwhelmed and out of control.

Homicide grief is hell. There at no doubt about it.

I missed another POMC meeting tonight. I was supposed to watch the boys. I missed that too. I have no control over my life.

People say I should have control over at least my thoughts and feelings. Hah! Not when you numb.

One of the ladies who belongs to the group has a "life is crap" shirt. I want one.