Last month we went to a ceremony for crime victim's in Charlotte County. A young lady spoke about her parents. They had been murdered many years ago. She was two years old. She was found in a carseat after sitting there for two days while her parents died beside her after being shot by a monster. I do not know the full story. I wish I did. I cannot go there. I remember how horrified I was when reading the news over a decade ago. But, I promptly forgot about it and went on with my then fairly normal life. Homicide grief is not a news story. It does not go away. I guess you have to go through it to truly understand.
Now this young girl is a teenager much loved and cared for by her grandparents. The story (even tho' I cannot read the details) is close to my heart and garners much concern for me. This young lady was the age my grandson was when Denise was murdered. Thank God he has his dad but even that is a handicap because my son is..... well, he is not quite himself. Well he is himself now but he will never be his old self. So, I look at this young teenage girl and I am so proud of her and how she has survived. I am so proud of her that she still loves, misses and cherishes her parents.
She spoke at the ceremony. This is what she said:
Monsters are not just creatures little kids think live under their beds orin their closets .They can be real live people. It takes a monster to kill a person. It takes an even bigger monster to kill the parents of a little baby.When that little baby is me, people always come up to me telling me how sorry they are. I know they mean what they say and being almost 15 I have learned to live with the fact that I will never get to meet my parents. Alot of people in my life have been robbed of the presence of my parents in their life.Like my six year old cousin. He will never get the chance to meet his uncle and aunt. I hate when my friends say they hate their parents. Ifeel like climbing the highest building in the world and yelling "at least you have your parents to meet love and get the hug and kiss". I have my grandparents, aunts and uncles but that really does not fill the gap. Sometimes I think to myself why me? Why do my parents have to be dead? Most ofthe time I get over it but sometimes I hear their voices .So I am living proof that there is hope. That you can get over the hurt but always remember the memories. Sometimes I wish I had the memories to lean back on but I don't. I love when people come up to me telling me how much I remind them of my parents in the way I talk, laugh, dress, did my hair that day and walk. It makes me feel as if they never died. Sometimes I feel as if no one understands what pain I go through. It may be a little easier for me because I was so little but it still hurts. I know I can't do anything about what happened but I can live my life with some quotes. Like from the song I hopeyou dance "May you never take one single breath for granted "which I think means you never know when your last day on earth is going to be so live your life to the fullest . Even though it's different now your still here. Somehow even though my parents are dead they are still here through me. Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance even though sometimes bad things can happen in your life. Something good may come out of the bad things. Like me . Ricky was our "L"but he's home with the flu, Lizzie our "O" had some homeworkto do, Mitchell our "E" probably got lost on the way. So I'm all of "love" that could make it today. So as all of life's fast balls come your way are you going to make it part of the dance? Do you miss screaming, fighting, and kissing in the rain? It's two and I'm cursing your name. I know I am going to make my fast balls part of the dance and not let the monster who killed my parents live under my bed or in my closet."
<3 I love you
Maranda Joellin Malnory
April 21 12.07 am
Showing posts with label homicide grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label homicide grief. Show all posts
Friday, May 14, 2010
Friday, December 18, 2009
When a Child has been Murdered
book recommendation:
When a Child has been Murdered (Ways you can help the grieving parents)
author: Bonnie Hunt Conrad
ISBN: 0-89503-186-8
It's been difficult locating a decent book on homicide grieving. I came across this one at our local library. It's not thick and it's very easy to read. I suggest anyone who has lost a child, teenager, or young adult to murder or even if you know someone grieving from homicide to read it. I'm listing a few excerpts from the introduction.
"The parents of a murdered child feel emotionally defeated at the realization that they were unable to prevent their child from feeling terror on this one occasion."
"Some parents believe that murdered children die emotionally before they die physically. The bullet that is about to enter their brain, the knife that is about to pierce their heart, the tire iron or baseball bat that is about to crush their skulls shatter their faith and naivety. This shattering, this loss of faith, kills the child emotionally. This emotional death is then followed by physical death. In many instances, it is this double death that some parents of a murdered child find most devastating."
"Fear can also cause family members and friends to minimize the grieving parents' pain. Often they are urged-much too quickly-to accept their child's murder and to get on with their lives. Rather than be allowed to express their grief openly and honestly, they are expected to suppress it. In some cases they are even expected to forget it entirely, an expectation that is impossible to fulfill."
"Some parents, due to mistakes made by those who investigated their child's death or who prosecuted the killer, or a plea bargain or lenient parole board that allows the killer to walk free after serving only a short time in prison, believe they too have become victims. Their child was the victim of a violent, uncaring individual; the parents become victims of a sometimes inept, uncaring criminal justice system. This system, although it is sworn to protect and defend both the parents and their child, sometimes does neither."
"But the parents of a murdered child never forget the savagery of their child's death. They continue to be haunted by bits and pieces of a nightmare that, for them, is a reality rather than a bad dream from which they will awaken. Despite their efforts to help themselves and, in some cases, the efforts of kind, caring people who attemp to offer support and comfort, immediately after the murder and into the future, the parents never fully recover."
On Guilt
"They do not understand that something they did or did not do was not the cause of the death... They do not understand that guilt is a product of their struggle to ascertain why their loved one, a person who was good, had died rather than some other person who was not so good."
On Anger and God
"If they are religious, the can be angry with God as well. In their prayers they asked that He protect their loved one, and He did not. They lost their loved one and, for a while, the can lose their faith in God. This double loss can greatly increase their anger and their suffering."
Resentfulness
"The death of their loved one forced them out of a world that was happy and safe and into one filled with anguish and fear. It takes time for them to adjust to being banished from their old world and to find a place in the new one."
"Parents of murdered children feel cheated. There was no time to comfort their child. There were no pillows to fluff, no gifts to bring. The parents had no chance to ease their child's terror with hugs and kisses. The resentment they feel is neither spiteful or self-serving. The parents should not be ashamed of being resentful, and other bereaved persons should not hold it against them. It is the result of the parents' grief and theri knowledge that their child felt terror and pain. It is a deep-seated yearning to go back to the time before their child was murdered and to prevent their child's lonely suffering."
Betrayal
"When a child is murdered intentionally, in cold blood, the parents view the safety of living in a civilized society as a cruel myth."
Despair
"Murdered-child grief can be compared to a seemingly unending night of darkness and fear. There is no way this fear can be quickly dispelled. Before their child was murdered, the parents' lives were filled with happiness. After the murder, that happiness is replaced with sorrow. As the parents stumble throug their sorrow, they begin to despair."
A LIST OF CHAPTERS
1. Defining Basic Grief
2. Factors That Can Affect Grief
3. The Emotions of Murdered-Child Grief
4. How the Parents of Murdered Children Deal with the Criminal Justice System
5. Ways in Which the Lives of Parents of Murdered Children Permanently Change
6. Immediate Help You Can Give the Parents of a Murdered Child
7. Future Help You Can Give the Parents of a Murdered Child
8. Immediate Ways the Parents of a Murdered Child Help Themselves
9. Future Ways the Parents of a Murdered Child Help Themselves
When a Child has been Murdered (Ways you can help the grieving parents)
author: Bonnie Hunt Conrad
ISBN: 0-89503-186-8
It's been difficult locating a decent book on homicide grieving. I came across this one at our local library. It's not thick and it's very easy to read. I suggest anyone who has lost a child, teenager, or young adult to murder or even if you know someone grieving from homicide to read it. I'm listing a few excerpts from the introduction.
"The parents of a murdered child feel emotionally defeated at the realization that they were unable to prevent their child from feeling terror on this one occasion."
"Some parents believe that murdered children die emotionally before they die physically. The bullet that is about to enter their brain, the knife that is about to pierce their heart, the tire iron or baseball bat that is about to crush their skulls shatter their faith and naivety. This shattering, this loss of faith, kills the child emotionally. This emotional death is then followed by physical death. In many instances, it is this double death that some parents of a murdered child find most devastating."
"Fear can also cause family members and friends to minimize the grieving parents' pain. Often they are urged-much too quickly-to accept their child's murder and to get on with their lives. Rather than be allowed to express their grief openly and honestly, they are expected to suppress it. In some cases they are even expected to forget it entirely, an expectation that is impossible to fulfill."
"Some parents, due to mistakes made by those who investigated their child's death or who prosecuted the killer, or a plea bargain or lenient parole board that allows the killer to walk free after serving only a short time in prison, believe they too have become victims. Their child was the victim of a violent, uncaring individual; the parents become victims of a sometimes inept, uncaring criminal justice system. This system, although it is sworn to protect and defend both the parents and their child, sometimes does neither."
"But the parents of a murdered child never forget the savagery of their child's death. They continue to be haunted by bits and pieces of a nightmare that, for them, is a reality rather than a bad dream from which they will awaken. Despite their efforts to help themselves and, in some cases, the efforts of kind, caring people who attemp to offer support and comfort, immediately after the murder and into the future, the parents never fully recover."
On Guilt
"They do not understand that something they did or did not do was not the cause of the death... They do not understand that guilt is a product of their struggle to ascertain why their loved one, a person who was good, had died rather than some other person who was not so good."
On Anger and God
"If they are religious, the can be angry with God as well. In their prayers they asked that He protect their loved one, and He did not. They lost their loved one and, for a while, the can lose their faith in God. This double loss can greatly increase their anger and their suffering."
Resentfulness
"The death of their loved one forced them out of a world that was happy and safe and into one filled with anguish and fear. It takes time for them to adjust to being banished from their old world and to find a place in the new one."
"Parents of murdered children feel cheated. There was no time to comfort their child. There were no pillows to fluff, no gifts to bring. The parents had no chance to ease their child's terror with hugs and kisses. The resentment they feel is neither spiteful or self-serving. The parents should not be ashamed of being resentful, and other bereaved persons should not hold it against them. It is the result of the parents' grief and theri knowledge that their child felt terror and pain. It is a deep-seated yearning to go back to the time before their child was murdered and to prevent their child's lonely suffering."
Betrayal
"When a child is murdered intentionally, in cold blood, the parents view the safety of living in a civilized society as a cruel myth."
Despair
"Murdered-child grief can be compared to a seemingly unending night of darkness and fear. There is no way this fear can be quickly dispelled. Before their child was murdered, the parents' lives were filled with happiness. After the murder, that happiness is replaced with sorrow. As the parents stumble throug their sorrow, they begin to despair."
A LIST OF CHAPTERS
1. Defining Basic Grief
2. Factors That Can Affect Grief
3. The Emotions of Murdered-Child Grief
4. How the Parents of Murdered Children Deal with the Criminal Justice System
5. Ways in Which the Lives of Parents of Murdered Children Permanently Change
6. Immediate Help You Can Give the Parents of a Murdered Child
7. Future Help You Can Give the Parents of a Murdered Child
8. Immediate Ways the Parents of a Murdered Child Help Themselves
9. Future Ways the Parents of a Murdered Child Help Themselves
Friday, July 17, 2009
Homicide Survivors ~ Dealing with Grief
Prepared by the Canadian Resource Centre for Victims of Crime
http://www.crcvc.ca/docs/homsurv.pdf
In my humble opinion probably the best thing I've read on homicide grief in a very long time.
http://www.crcvc.ca/docs/homsurv.pdf
In my humble opinion probably the best thing I've read on homicide grief in a very long time.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Tsunami
(posted in both blogs)
With the trial looming just ahead I thought I'd share some of my feelings. Jury selection starts August 17th. Already news stories are hitting the papers. Today's news story was actually about Coralrose Fullwood. Somehow our story made it into her story because they are delaying her alleged murderer's trial for our trial. I forget the judge's exact words but they were basically "there's no way in hell we can do both trials at the same time". The other stories are about the prosecution releasing new information to the defense.
Ugh! So once again, we have to see the alleged perpetrator's face on a daily basis.
Anyhow, our family's nerves are all on edge and we're all pretty frazzled.
I posted my hurricane chart in my homicide blog and many homicide survivors and PTSD sufferers have said it mirrors their feelings exactly. You do. You feel as if you are in the eye of a great hurricane with debris just swirling around you. All kinds of extraneous things are flying by. Some of it's good stuff and some of it's ugly stuff. They weave near and far while they are flying by at heavy rates of speed. People and relationships are doing the same thing. Sometimes you're close and at other times you're as far away as the moon. Because you're stuck in the eye and can't get out, you have no control over any of it. You try and reach for the good stuff, the best you can. And it ain't easy.
With the trial looming ahead, I'd like to use another mother nature analogy. Now with the trial just over a month a way, I feel as if a great tsunami is headed our way. We know it. We can't control it and it just keeps coming. Each day as it gets closer, it looms larger and larger in the distance. Nothing we can do about it. No way to stop it. I keep having visions of court TV and those distraught families who sit there and have to endure all the pain of listening to it all. I'm horrified of what I'll find out about what the alleged murderer did to Denise. I really don't know the details. I know it was pretty darn bad. I'm horrified at the thought of my son, sitting there having to see the pictures and the evidence. I'm horrified about sitting in the same room with evil. Breathing the same air.
So as the tsunami looms closer you try to prepare but you know, no matter how much you prepare, nothing can prepare you for the havoc it will wreak in your life. You just wait for the great giant wave to wash over you. You just want to swim through it to the other side where there's calm and peace. Sadly, you're still in the water and to survive you have to swim back to the devastation on the shore and at home. You then have to start picking up the pieces, that is if there are any pieces left. You know that the pieces will be broken. Yes, they can be mended and so you start on that journey of picking up the broken shattered pieces of your family.
That's how I feel. And no matter how much I want to "put it into God's hands" it ain't gonna be good. No matter how much I breathe in and out to calm myself, it's still going to break my heart (as it does everyday) to watch my son suffer.
Dear Denise, I'll be there. Every single day. I miss you more than words in a stupid blog can express.
With the trial looming just ahead I thought I'd share some of my feelings. Jury selection starts August 17th. Already news stories are hitting the papers. Today's news story was actually about Coralrose Fullwood. Somehow our story made it into her story because they are delaying her alleged murderer's trial for our trial. I forget the judge's exact words but they were basically "there's no way in hell we can do both trials at the same time". The other stories are about the prosecution releasing new information to the defense.
Ugh! So once again, we have to see the alleged perpetrator's face on a daily basis.
Anyhow, our family's nerves are all on edge and we're all pretty frazzled.
I posted my hurricane chart in my homicide blog and many homicide survivors and PTSD sufferers have said it mirrors their feelings exactly. You do. You feel as if you are in the eye of a great hurricane with debris just swirling around you. All kinds of extraneous things are flying by. Some of it's good stuff and some of it's ugly stuff. They weave near and far while they are flying by at heavy rates of speed. People and relationships are doing the same thing. Sometimes you're close and at other times you're as far away as the moon. Because you're stuck in the eye and can't get out, you have no control over any of it. You try and reach for the good stuff, the best you can. And it ain't easy.
With the trial looming ahead, I'd like to use another mother nature analogy. Now with the trial just over a month a way, I feel as if a great tsunami is headed our way. We know it. We can't control it and it just keeps coming. Each day as it gets closer, it looms larger and larger in the distance. Nothing we can do about it. No way to stop it. I keep having visions of court TV and those distraught families who sit there and have to endure all the pain of listening to it all. I'm horrified of what I'll find out about what the alleged murderer did to Denise. I really don't know the details. I know it was pretty darn bad. I'm horrified at the thought of my son, sitting there having to see the pictures and the evidence. I'm horrified about sitting in the same room with evil. Breathing the same air.
So as the tsunami looms closer you try to prepare but you know, no matter how much you prepare, nothing can prepare you for the havoc it will wreak in your life. You just wait for the great giant wave to wash over you. You just want to swim through it to the other side where there's calm and peace. Sadly, you're still in the water and to survive you have to swim back to the devastation on the shore and at home. You then have to start picking up the pieces, that is if there are any pieces left. You know that the pieces will be broken. Yes, they can be mended and so you start on that journey of picking up the broken shattered pieces of your family.
That's how I feel. And no matter how much I want to "put it into God's hands" it ain't gonna be good. No matter how much I breathe in and out to calm myself, it's still going to break my heart (as it does everyday) to watch my son suffer.
Dear Denise, I'll be there. Every single day. I miss you more than words in a stupid blog can express.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Thoughts on the Upcoming Trial
printed in both blogs
Trials. What can I even say. My feelings? My feelings can be pretty much summoned up in one word.
Dread.
There are other feelings but if I were looking for one word to define my feelings, dread would be it.
I simply feel sick about it. Our trial is scheduled to begin August 17th.
If I've been mum for a while it's because there isn't much to say. Other than it's an awful feeling.
Tomorrow people will be celebrating Memorial Day. People will be cooking out and playing horseshoes. We used to do that. I just can't.
Memorial Day is about dead men and women who gave their lives for our country. Now instead of thinking about "cooking out" all I can think about is how people lost loved ones in horrific ways.
I still don't think anyone could die as horrifically as Denise did. But I guess people do.
It's hard not to think about the Jessica Lunsfords and the Carlie Brucias. I simply don't understand how someone can torture and kill (I consider rape a torture worse than waterboarding) such young innocents. It's just beyond understanding.
Okay, so I'm being very morbid on a Sunday morning. Now you know why I haven't written anything in a while. My thoughts are ugly and sad. I'm truly dreading the upcoming trial. I can't help crying thinking about it.
I do have some good moments. Yesterday, we had Adam for some one on one time. He's so precious. Mark's mom expressed regret that Denise was not here to see him grow. Well, I believe she is here and she is watching him grow. What I find sad is that Noah and Adam are missing out on having her here. They never really and never will have an opportunity to know her other than through our memories. They'll never experience her laugh. They'll never experience her joy and tenderness again.
They have been quite simply robbed.
You can see it in Noah's face. He has been especially robbed and he really misses her. He talks about death now around us. He knows now, I believe, that she's not coming back. He's handles it very stoically. And you can see how he's trying to adjust. He has his joyful moments too. And I believe he has more joyful moments than sad. I think now that he knows for sure she's not coming back he's actually doing a bit better. But it's hard for him. He has a million questions. He's only 3.
It makes you wonder if the alleged perpetrator could be put on trial for robbery as well. Because he really did rob us. I mean he ROBBED US. Especially Nathan and the boys.
I'll stop. I'm just not looking forward to the trial and I wanted to jot down why I haven't been writing much.
I really need to get to one of those meetings for Parents of Murdered Children. I think I should try the one in Sarasota. hmmm... we'll see. I'm just sick thinking about it.
I guess we should focus on the positive. The positive being the help and support we want to give to the 9-1-1 industry so that what happened that night with the blown chances of saving Denise in the 9-1-1 center doesn't happen to another family.
Two things could have saved Denise that night. 1.) Certification and standards for the 9-1-1 call taker and dispatchers. They had the training and they had the technology but they weren't using either appropriately. And 2.) cell phone location. Denise made a 9-1-1 call that lasted seven minute and had we been using GPS technology we could have found her.
Would she have been damaged? Yes. But she'd still be with us. I feel unbelievably strong about that.
sigh
Trials. What can I even say. My feelings? My feelings can be pretty much summoned up in one word.
Dread.
There are other feelings but if I were looking for one word to define my feelings, dread would be it.
I simply feel sick about it. Our trial is scheduled to begin August 17th.
If I've been mum for a while it's because there isn't much to say. Other than it's an awful feeling.
Tomorrow people will be celebrating Memorial Day. People will be cooking out and playing horseshoes. We used to do that. I just can't.
Memorial Day is about dead men and women who gave their lives for our country. Now instead of thinking about "cooking out" all I can think about is how people lost loved ones in horrific ways.
I still don't think anyone could die as horrifically as Denise did. But I guess people do.
It's hard not to think about the Jessica Lunsfords and the Carlie Brucias. I simply don't understand how someone can torture and kill (I consider rape a torture worse than waterboarding) such young innocents. It's just beyond understanding.
Okay, so I'm being very morbid on a Sunday morning. Now you know why I haven't written anything in a while. My thoughts are ugly and sad. I'm truly dreading the upcoming trial. I can't help crying thinking about it.
I do have some good moments. Yesterday, we had Adam for some one on one time. He's so precious. Mark's mom expressed regret that Denise was not here to see him grow. Well, I believe she is here and she is watching him grow. What I find sad is that Noah and Adam are missing out on having her here. They never really and never will have an opportunity to know her other than through our memories. They'll never experience her laugh. They'll never experience her joy and tenderness again.
They have been quite simply robbed.
You can see it in Noah's face. He has been especially robbed and he really misses her. He talks about death now around us. He knows now, I believe, that she's not coming back. He's handles it very stoically. And you can see how he's trying to adjust. He has his joyful moments too. And I believe he has more joyful moments than sad. I think now that he knows for sure she's not coming back he's actually doing a bit better. But it's hard for him. He has a million questions. He's only 3.
It makes you wonder if the alleged perpetrator could be put on trial for robbery as well. Because he really did rob us. I mean he ROBBED US. Especially Nathan and the boys.
I'll stop. I'm just not looking forward to the trial and I wanted to jot down why I haven't been writing much.
I really need to get to one of those meetings for Parents of Murdered Children. I think I should try the one in Sarasota. hmmm... we'll see. I'm just sick thinking about it.
I guess we should focus on the positive. The positive being the help and support we want to give to the 9-1-1 industry so that what happened that night with the blown chances of saving Denise in the 9-1-1 center doesn't happen to another family.
Two things could have saved Denise that night. 1.) Certification and standards for the 9-1-1 call taker and dispatchers. They had the training and they had the technology but they weren't using either appropriately. And 2.) cell phone location. Denise made a 9-1-1 call that lasted seven minute and had we been using GPS technology we could have found her.
Would she have been damaged? Yes. But she'd still be with us. I feel unbelievably strong about that.
sigh
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
An emotional couple of days
I haven't blogged about my emotions lately. I've been bloggin 9-1-1 and cookbook stuff because it helps to be doing something positive and the cookbook stuff has been keeping me busy. But the emotional roller coaster continues to run.
Next week members of the foundation (including moi) are going to Las Vegas for the NAED (National Academies of Emergency Dispatch) conference. I have mixed emotions about it. I believe I should be excited about going to Las Vegas. Who doesn't get excited about Vegas? Well.... I'm not all that excited. I take that back. I am and I'm not. I am excited because it will give me an opportunity to meet 9-1-1 industry people. When Mark and Nate came home from San Diego they said it was the most incredible experience (other than getting married and having children) they ever had. That the encouragement and the support for our cause and for them was phenomenal. They said the people were just wonderful. It made them feel good. I so want to feel good. Suddenly all we are doing was making sense and we felt we were being heard. So, there are many people think it would be good for me to meet some of these same people and experience the same positive energy. More importantly I'm to man the booth. Which I'm good at and have lots of experience doing.
I'm not looking forward to it because I don't want to be that person people feel sorry for. I'm afraid that I might break down and share my grief too much. I'm afraid of telling Denise's story over and over again. I'm sure I can. I'm sure I just have the jitters but as I've said before, it's not easy getting out there and putting your pain on display.
I'm worried about parties etc.... I don't want to go to parties. Yes, I want to meet people and network to promote our cause. Yes, I want to laugh. I like to laugh. Yes, I want to go to dinner. But I don't think I can actually party. We'll see.
Aside to Kevin: If you're reading this, dinner is on! You've been so incredibly supportive.
I'm just sharing my thoughts. I'm not sure how I feel.
But I think it's an important trip and the right thing to do. I'm primarily going to work the booth at the convention. I've been working boothes at conventions and home shows for years. I'm good at it. I know Denise's story and 9-1-1 debacle in her case inside and out. I feel very comfortable about doing it. It'll be nice discussing it with people who actually know what I'm talking about. It'll be wonderful to hear their thoughts as to what can be done, what we should do, and where we should go from here.
But I know it's going to take a lot of emotional energy.
Today
Today wasn't a good day for me. We're shipping a lot of stuff out to the conference center before we go. We have a very large picture of Denise. It's this picture about 35" W x 25" H
Above is a picture from the newspaper early in 2008. I had to drive by it twice today to get Tammy's workplace. Since this picture was taken many more bears have been added and many many more flowers. It was hard for me to see. I don't go near that area unless I absolutely have toand today I had to. I avoid it like the plague. Anyhow, seeing it was almost unbearable. Why? Because it was dirty and dingy. The bears were filthy with highway grit and dust (it's very close to I-75). I thought, oh my! So I went to the local dollar store to get some silk flowers (the closest Michael's is a half hour away) but they were closed due to the economy. That's what their sign said. So I went to the Publix. They didn't have any silk flowers. And there I was in a quandary and almost breaking into tears as to what to do. It seemed silly, a woman in the middle of a grocery store getting ready to cry. I know this sounds pathetic but the feelings were very genuine. What do you do? So, I bought some real daisies and drove back to the sign. I cleaned away as much debris as I could and all the dead flowers. I was in tears. I had to fight the "compulsion" to get a sponge and start cleaning the bears and faded ribbons. I wanted to brighten it up and make it cheery. The bears up close didn't look as bad as they do far away. You could see they had been placed there with love.
I don't know whether we should take it all down or leave it up. I think it should stay. But it has to be kept nice! By the time I left it, I was a wreck. When I get back from the conference I plan on going back with very bright silk flowers. I can't clean the bears but I can spruce them up some.
Anyhow, I cried all the way home (half an hour drive). I felt people were looking at me. There I was in the car with Denise's lifesize picture sitting next to me. I could've turned the picture over so I wouldn't have to see it. That would've kept me from reaching out to her. But that not right!!! It's all still that painful. Then I have the bumper sticker so I felt I was being stared at. I know there are people out there who thinking we should just "get over it".
So many people want me to read "The Shack" by William P Young. It's a Christian book about a man's whose daughter was abducted and brutally murdered in a shack. Four years later he receives a note supposedly from God that tells him to visit the shack. Sorry but I can't read that! I don't want to read about someone being abducted and brutally murdered. I don't care if they do find God in the end. (I haven't lost God. I'm just mad at him.)
Besides, I'm sorry but I think it's going to take longer than 4 years to get over this!
The good thing about the book is that it helps people better understand what we're going through as far as grief and anger. It doesn't help them necessarily understand our relationships (or at least my relationship) with God. That's a personal journey and everyone's is different.
Our foundation
Our foundation isn't going to stop people from being murdered. The murderer killed Denise. He's evil. But if we don't do all we can to help prevent further mishaps in 9-1-1 centers which will help prevent other families from suffering the way we and other families such as the Perez's and the Johnson's and the Cantrell's and the Zimmerman's and the Koon's etc...etc...etc... I just think we'd be doing a great wrong.
Sorry to go on.
Yesterday
Yesterday was even more emotional. Sue was in an accident with the babies. All are fine. It wasn't Sue's fault. Some maniac pulled out in front of her and could've killed the boys. We were all shaken up. Just the thought of losing the boys was terrifying. And I mean terrifying. Poor poor Sue. I can't imagine what she felt. Thank God, she was smart. She saved the boys lives. And Denise and whoever up above were watching out for them. I know the other families know what I mean. I mean it was terrifying thinking we could've lost those boys.
Oddly, Sue tried to call 9-1-1 from her cell phone but the call seemed to keep dropping. (We're pretty close to the water). They had to go in and call from a local business. She doesn't know why her call wouldn't go through.
Again, sorry to go on.
Much love and peace. We're all fine.
I've printed this in both blogs because I don't know if it's about grief or 9-1-1. I'm that muddled.
Next week members of the foundation (including moi) are going to Las Vegas for the NAED (National Academies of Emergency Dispatch) conference. I have mixed emotions about it. I believe I should be excited about going to Las Vegas. Who doesn't get excited about Vegas? Well.... I'm not all that excited. I take that back. I am and I'm not. I am excited because it will give me an opportunity to meet 9-1-1 industry people. When Mark and Nate came home from San Diego they said it was the most incredible experience (other than getting married and having children) they ever had. That the encouragement and the support for our cause and for them was phenomenal. They said the people were just wonderful. It made them feel good. I so want to feel good. Suddenly all we are doing was making sense and we felt we were being heard. So, there are many people think it would be good for me to meet some of these same people and experience the same positive energy. More importantly I'm to man the booth. Which I'm good at and have lots of experience doing.
I'm not looking forward to it because I don't want to be that person people feel sorry for. I'm afraid that I might break down and share my grief too much. I'm afraid of telling Denise's story over and over again. I'm sure I can. I'm sure I just have the jitters but as I've said before, it's not easy getting out there and putting your pain on display.
I'm worried about parties etc.... I don't want to go to parties. Yes, I want to meet people and network to promote our cause. Yes, I want to laugh. I like to laugh. Yes, I want to go to dinner. But I don't think I can actually party. We'll see.
Aside to Kevin: If you're reading this, dinner is on! You've been so incredibly supportive.
I'm just sharing my thoughts. I'm not sure how I feel.
But I think it's an important trip and the right thing to do. I'm primarily going to work the booth at the convention. I've been working boothes at conventions and home shows for years. I'm good at it. I know Denise's story and 9-1-1 debacle in her case inside and out. I feel very comfortable about doing it. It'll be nice discussing it with people who actually know what I'm talking about. It'll be wonderful to hear their thoughts as to what can be done, what we should do, and where we should go from here.
But I know it's going to take a lot of emotional energy.
Today
Today wasn't a good day for me. We're shipping a lot of stuff out to the conference center before we go. We have a very large picture of Denise. It's this picture about 35" W x 25" H
The picture is almost life size. As I was driving, I had the picture in the front seat and I couldn't help touching her face. It brought back memories of when we used to go places with the kids (doctors etc...). It was hard driving and holding back tears.
Then I stopped at one of the foundation member's workplaces to ship the stuff. The foundation member (a true angel in blue) works less than a 1/4 mile from where Denise's body was found. At the entrance to the street where Denise's body was found the road is closed but there's teddy bears, flowers, ribbons etc.... on one of the road signs.
Above is a picture from the newspaper early in 2008. I had to drive by it twice today to get Tammy's workplace. Since this picture was taken many more bears have been added and many many more flowers. It was hard for me to see. I don't go near that area unless I absolutely have toand today I had to. I avoid it like the plague. Anyhow, seeing it was almost unbearable. Why? Because it was dirty and dingy. The bears were filthy with highway grit and dust (it's very close to I-75). I thought, oh my! So I went to the local dollar store to get some silk flowers (the closest Michael's is a half hour away) but they were closed due to the economy. That's what their sign said. So I went to the Publix. They didn't have any silk flowers. And there I was in a quandary and almost breaking into tears as to what to do. It seemed silly, a woman in the middle of a grocery store getting ready to cry. I know this sounds pathetic but the feelings were very genuine. What do you do? So, I bought some real daisies and drove back to the sign. I cleaned away as much debris as I could and all the dead flowers. I was in tears. I had to fight the "compulsion" to get a sponge and start cleaning the bears and faded ribbons. I wanted to brighten it up and make it cheery. The bears up close didn't look as bad as they do far away. You could see they had been placed there with love.I don't know whether we should take it all down or leave it up. I think it should stay. But it has to be kept nice! By the time I left it, I was a wreck. When I get back from the conference I plan on going back with very bright silk flowers. I can't clean the bears but I can spruce them up some.
Anyhow, I cried all the way home (half an hour drive). I felt people were looking at me. There I was in the car with Denise's lifesize picture sitting next to me. I could've turned the picture over so I wouldn't have to see it. That would've kept me from reaching out to her. But that not right!!! It's all still that painful. Then I have the bumper sticker so I felt I was being stared at. I know there are people out there who thinking we should just "get over it".
So many people want me to read "The Shack" by William P Young. It's a Christian book about a man's whose daughter was abducted and brutally murdered in a shack. Four years later he receives a note supposedly from God that tells him to visit the shack. Sorry but I can't read that! I don't want to read about someone being abducted and brutally murdered. I don't care if they do find God in the end. (I haven't lost God. I'm just mad at him.)
Besides, I'm sorry but I think it's going to take longer than 4 years to get over this!
The good thing about the book is that it helps people better understand what we're going through as far as grief and anger. It doesn't help them necessarily understand our relationships (or at least my relationship) with God. That's a personal journey and everyone's is different.
Our foundation
Our foundation isn't going to stop people from being murdered. The murderer killed Denise. He's evil. But if we don't do all we can to help prevent further mishaps in 9-1-1 centers which will help prevent other families from suffering the way we and other families such as the Perez's and the Johnson's and the Cantrell's and the Zimmerman's and the Koon's etc...etc...etc... I just think we'd be doing a great wrong.
Sorry to go on.
Yesterday
Yesterday was even more emotional. Sue was in an accident with the babies. All are fine. It wasn't Sue's fault. Some maniac pulled out in front of her and could've killed the boys. We were all shaken up. Just the thought of losing the boys was terrifying. And I mean terrifying. Poor poor Sue. I can't imagine what she felt. Thank God, she was smart. She saved the boys lives. And Denise and whoever up above were watching out for them. I know the other families know what I mean. I mean it was terrifying thinking we could've lost those boys.
Oddly, Sue tried to call 9-1-1 from her cell phone but the call seemed to keep dropping. (We're pretty close to the water). They had to go in and call from a local business. She doesn't know why her call wouldn't go through.
Again, sorry to go on.
Much love and peace. We're all fine.
I've printed this in both blogs because I don't know if it's about grief or 9-1-1. I'm that muddled.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Homicide Grief Hurricane Chart
Yes, I'm playing amateur psychologist and created this chart.
And I guess you're probably wondering what you're looking at!
I was trying to describe to someone the feelings of isolation we feel as homicide survivors. I can't speak for others but the above Hurricane chart sums it up for me.
I feel as if I'm living in the eye of a hurricane isolated and somewhat protected from the terrible winds swirling around me. Those winds every once in a while throw debris our way.
In the eye of the hurricane beside me are my husband, my widowed son, and my two grandchildren. You may even include Denise's parents in the eye.
Just outside the eye are Brian (our other son) and Mark's mom and my parents. We live with Mark's mom so she's pretty much in the eye but Brian and my parents live quite a distance away so they enter and exit the eye at times.
You'll notice the foundation members and volunteers are just as close to us as Brian and my parents. That's odd considering we didn't know these people before we lost Denise but they are beside us and do their best to bolster us and support us in many ways. They help us keep going with our crusade for 9-1-1 reform. My support group from Parents of Murdered Children would be included with these people. Work employees who we've become close with and any new friends would be included in this group.
Oddly, just outside of these people you'll find our extended family. My siblings, nieces, nephews, and Mark's brother and his family.
Even further out than that are our old friends who either have distanced themselves from us for their own reasons or simply can't seem to reach us because they don't know how. We don't know how to reach them either. People are swirling around in the storm trying to reach their hands to us inside the eye and we're trying to reach to them but connections are rare.
Because it's a hurricane nothing is fixed and the storm is continually moving at a very fast pace. Sometimes people get close and then swirl away again. It is completely out of anyone's control.
We (Mark, Nate, Noah and Adam) never leave the eye.
Everyone cares about us and we care about everyone caught up in the storm but communication is spotty and sometimes non-existant.
This is my personal hurricane chart. Nathan's, Mark's, Brian's, Noah and Adam's, etc..... charts would probably be different. They might look at my chart and say "Mom! So and so should be in this group!" or "why isn't so and so in the eye? They should be in the eye!"
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Families, devastation and pain that never stops.
In thinking about our lives today I can't help but think about all the families one senseless murder (Denise's) has effected.
The senselessness, the anger, the pain and suffering, the empty void, the madness, the sadness, the lives that could very well be destroyed unless great battles are fought.
I know the members of my immediate family, Mark, Nate, Brian and myself battle everyday to go on with some sort of normalcy and happiness. I believe we're making great strides in our battles. Noah and Adam certainly help with that. They, of course, keep us centered and focused on the future and we strive for as much normalcy in their lives and our own as possible.
Interestingly, the 9-1-1 debacle that happened in the Charlotte County 9-1-1 center to Denise has also helped. It's been astounding the support we've been receiving from around the world and across the country. I tear up just thinking of how those folks in San Diego pumped up and motivated Mark, Nate and the two Daves with renewed vigor and drive. Those folks out at CalNENA were so absolutely wonderful in their generosity and support. It meant so much because we now know that Denise's death wasn't totally senseless and that lives will and are being saved. To be meeting in Washington DC with NENA and other 9-1-1 industry experts!
sigh. They just don't know what it means for us to be able to help improve things. Not that they don't do a good job already. But what happened to Denise should never have happened. And even if human error was involved in Charlotte County, the human errors need to be minimized. The problems in our local 9-1-1 center went way beyond human error. In any case, dispatchers and call takers are our front line.
Denise saved two very precious lives the day she died. She literally saved Noah and Adam by keeping the murderer as far away from them as possible and getting the murderer out of the house. She was already a hero and IMO a saint. She martyred herself for her children.
I think of the foundation volunteers who stepped up in our time of need. How awesome have they been? I don't think people realize the time and effort these people dedicate to the events we've been participating in. And even behind the scenes answering emails, doing research, contacting people, and shielding us from God knows what. They've been our front line. I think of the time they've taken away from their own families to help our cause. Angels in blue indeed.
Back to families that have been effected by the ripples of Denise's senseless murder:
Of course, there's our family and Denise's family. There's our extended families of cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, etc.....
Then there's the murderer's family and his extended family. I can't imagine what their lives are like. I'm sure they've been ostracized and shunned. I'm sure they are experiencing many of the same feelings we're feeling. Anger, pain, senselessness, the questions, numbness, surrealness, isolation, anger again..... No, I wouldn't want to be a part of that family. It's odd though. Most people know Denise's name from all the publicity but many people don't recognize the perpetrator's name or his cousin who allegedly unwittingly helped him. You say those names and people draw blanks. I guess that's a positive for their families.
The families of the volunteers. The volunteers have been and continue to be overwhelming with their help to us. Their families must have had concerns in the beginning. But you know? Their families are usually right out there with us! I think it's been a very positive (yet negative) experience for the kids in helping with the community and fighting for a cause that it seems we will win in time! To be a part of that? That's pretty cool.
I know I'm rambling but I'm just thinking out loud at the senselessness of it all. And of course of all the pain and suffering "one" person caused to so many people and not just Denise.
Of course, Denise suffered most of all. I hate to write of that. I have very ugly thoughts there and have in the past compared her suffering to Christ's. That offends people probably but I honestly believe Denise suffered more than Jesus did. I know that blasphemous. But I can't help thinking it. Jesus knew why he was dying and chose to die. Denise didn't choose to die. Denise was terrorized, humiliated, violated, torn from her children and fought tooth and nail to live. I just can't come to terms with the way that man made her suffer. She who never gave harm to anyone.
That's one of the problems with homicide grief. You can't help but remember how your loved on suffered and died. It boggles the mind to think someone could hurt your loved one in such an awful way, kill her and than throw her away like she was trash. Naked in a shallow grave so the alligators could get her.
I just don't get that. I never will.
Sorry. People don't understand that the pain never seems to stop. It hurts just thinking about her. And that's not fair to her. She who was so precious and wonderful and good.
The senselessness, the anger, the pain and suffering, the empty void, the madness, the sadness, the lives that could very well be destroyed unless great battles are fought.
I know the members of my immediate family, Mark, Nate, Brian and myself battle everyday to go on with some sort of normalcy and happiness. I believe we're making great strides in our battles. Noah and Adam certainly help with that. They, of course, keep us centered and focused on the future and we strive for as much normalcy in their lives and our own as possible.
Interestingly, the 9-1-1 debacle that happened in the Charlotte County 9-1-1 center to Denise has also helped. It's been astounding the support we've been receiving from around the world and across the country. I tear up just thinking of how those folks in San Diego pumped up and motivated Mark, Nate and the two Daves with renewed vigor and drive. Those folks out at CalNENA were so absolutely wonderful in their generosity and support. It meant so much because we now know that Denise's death wasn't totally senseless and that lives will and are being saved. To be meeting in Washington DC with NENA and other 9-1-1 industry experts!
sigh. They just don't know what it means for us to be able to help improve things. Not that they don't do a good job already. But what happened to Denise should never have happened. And even if human error was involved in Charlotte County, the human errors need to be minimized. The problems in our local 9-1-1 center went way beyond human error. In any case, dispatchers and call takers are our front line.
Denise saved two very precious lives the day she died. She literally saved Noah and Adam by keeping the murderer as far away from them as possible and getting the murderer out of the house. She was already a hero and IMO a saint. She martyred herself for her children.
I think of the foundation volunteers who stepped up in our time of need. How awesome have they been? I don't think people realize the time and effort these people dedicate to the events we've been participating in. And even behind the scenes answering emails, doing research, contacting people, and shielding us from God knows what. They've been our front line. I think of the time they've taken away from their own families to help our cause. Angels in blue indeed.
Back to families that have been effected by the ripples of Denise's senseless murder:
Of course, there's our family and Denise's family. There's our extended families of cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, etc.....
Then there's the murderer's family and his extended family. I can't imagine what their lives are like. I'm sure they've been ostracized and shunned. I'm sure they are experiencing many of the same feelings we're feeling. Anger, pain, senselessness, the questions, numbness, surrealness, isolation, anger again..... No, I wouldn't want to be a part of that family. It's odd though. Most people know Denise's name from all the publicity but many people don't recognize the perpetrator's name or his cousin who allegedly unwittingly helped him. You say those names and people draw blanks. I guess that's a positive for their families.
The families of the volunteers. The volunteers have been and continue to be overwhelming with their help to us. Their families must have had concerns in the beginning. But you know? Their families are usually right out there with us! I think it's been a very positive (yet negative) experience for the kids in helping with the community and fighting for a cause that it seems we will win in time! To be a part of that? That's pretty cool.
I know I'm rambling but I'm just thinking out loud at the senselessness of it all. And of course of all the pain and suffering "one" person caused to so many people and not just Denise.
Of course, Denise suffered most of all. I hate to write of that. I have very ugly thoughts there and have in the past compared her suffering to Christ's. That offends people probably but I honestly believe Denise suffered more than Jesus did. I know that blasphemous. But I can't help thinking it. Jesus knew why he was dying and chose to die. Denise didn't choose to die. Denise was terrorized, humiliated, violated, torn from her children and fought tooth and nail to live. I just can't come to terms with the way that man made her suffer. She who never gave harm to anyone.
That's one of the problems with homicide grief. You can't help but remember how your loved on suffered and died. It boggles the mind to think someone could hurt your loved one in such an awful way, kill her and than throw her away like she was trash. Naked in a shallow grave so the alligators could get her.
I just don't get that. I never will.
Sorry. People don't understand that the pain never seems to stop. It hurts just thinking about her. And that's not fair to her. She who was so precious and wonderful and good.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A Day with the Babies! (now toddlers)
I originally posted this in the other blog but thought it may help here!
My day with Noah and Adam
What a nice day!It was so good to see both of them for some quality time. Now that we're feeling more settled in the house it was easier for me and for them to relax. I picked them up early from daycare. The first thing we did was come back to the house and walk down to the water. I'll have to look for some pics to post but we're living directly on Lemon Bay. And it's beautiful:o) We sat on the bench and simply watched the boats. The boys were a bit mischievous and were wanting to dangle their feet over the seawall but I wasn't at all comfortable with that. But we ran around the grass and played tag. We watched birds and Noah saw two dolphins.
Then we came back to the house and they were thrilled! I was worried because yesterday didn't go so well....Adam picked out a chair as if he was an explorer and staking a claim. If he had a flag I'm sure he would've planted it in the chair. He's like that. He has his spot. No one else is allowed in it. He'll be playing with a truck having a good time but stop immediately if he sees you sitting in his spot! He gets quite indignant and upset.
Noah kept saying things like "Grandma! you brought our blocks!" then "Grandma, you brought our train!" then "Grandma, you brought our ambulance!" then "Grandma, you brought our movies!" I replied with "of course!"
Then I said to Noah "I even brought mommy's picture!" I hadn't unpacked it yet so we went to the box and we unwrapped and unpacked all Denise's picture. He was thrilled! He held it very delicately. I said "she was so pretty!" and he said "Yeah!" I allowed him to pick the place for the special one we always kept at eye level. Adam later accidently knocked it over and Noah jumped up and instead of scolding Adam, he said "I'll fix it" and gingerly placed it back where it needed to be.
Then we took another walk down to see the boats and sit on the bench.
It was truly a precious time. I was so thrilled to see them happy. Adam is usually always happy unless he's not feeling well. But, Noah is moody. Today was a good mood.
Later I took them over to MomMom. It was a very good day:o)
My day with Noah and Adam
What a nice day!It was so good to see both of them for some quality time. Now that we're feeling more settled in the house it was easier for me and for them to relax. I picked them up early from daycare. The first thing we did was come back to the house and walk down to the water. I'll have to look for some pics to post but we're living directly on Lemon Bay. And it's beautiful:o) We sat on the bench and simply watched the boats. The boys were a bit mischievous and were wanting to dangle their feet over the seawall but I wasn't at all comfortable with that. But we ran around the grass and played tag. We watched birds and Noah saw two dolphins.
Then we came back to the house and they were thrilled! I was worried because yesterday didn't go so well....Adam picked out a chair as if he was an explorer and staking a claim. If he had a flag I'm sure he would've planted it in the chair. He's like that. He has his spot. No one else is allowed in it. He'll be playing with a truck having a good time but stop immediately if he sees you sitting in his spot! He gets quite indignant and upset.
Noah kept saying things like "Grandma! you brought our blocks!" then "Grandma, you brought our train!" then "Grandma, you brought our ambulance!" then "Grandma, you brought our movies!" I replied with "of course!"
Then I said to Noah "I even brought mommy's picture!" I hadn't unpacked it yet so we went to the box and we unwrapped and unpacked all Denise's picture. He was thrilled! He held it very delicately. I said "she was so pretty!" and he said "Yeah!" I allowed him to pick the place for the special one we always kept at eye level. Adam later accidently knocked it over and Noah jumped up and instead of scolding Adam, he said "I'll fix it" and gingerly placed it back where it needed to be.
Then we took another walk down to see the boats and sit on the bench.
It was truly a precious time. I was so thrilled to see them happy. Adam is usually always happy unless he's not feeling well. But, Noah is moody. Today was a good mood.
Later I took them over to MomMom. It was a very good day:o)
Another Parents of Murdered Children Meeting missed
Yes, I missed another one. sigh.
The grandchildren
Since we've been busy moving I haven't had an opportunity to see much of the grandchildren. I'm missing them dearly. I had an opportunity to babysit last night and jumped at it. Then I realized not a minute later I had the meeting. Of course, I opted to see the babies. You can tell it's been a while since I've seen them because Noah was in a fairly nasty mood at first. He always gets that way when he hasn't seen someone in a while. I think it's his way of saying he's mad. As a matter of fact he was so mad I had to settle him down for a time out. He was crying and finally I asked "are you missing mommy?" Which made him start to cry harder but then he started nodding his head and calming down. I, of course, consoled him. It was odd though because usually we'll go get one of her pictures and we'll talk about her. But this time he didn't want anything to do with the pictures and started yelling "NO!" I don't know what that was all about. In any case he did calm down. And we did rock. It's just odd. Usually when we talk about her he smiles.
Today I'm going to pick him up early from daycare and spend some quality time with him going for a walk down by the water and seeing the boats. Maybe I'll even take him to the Indian Mounds park. Adam was fine. He's such a trooper.
I do my best for the babies but I don't know what is right to do and what is wrong. Should I have not asked about "mommy"? Did I put the thought there? I wish I knew. Sadly, there is no right or wrong and there are no rules. Anyhow, we rocked each other and I told him that I missed his mommy too.
the Parents of Murdered Children meeting
Man, was I sorry I missed it. I really wanted to go to this one. I feel like I'm losing friends (well I am) and I wanted to ask about everyone else's experiences without hearing any platitudes such as "well, if they were really your friends in the first place..........." Because many of the friends I've lost really were friends in the first place!
I don't know if it's me or what. I do know that my personality has changed quite dramatically. These are some of my new traits:
I'm abrasive
I'm self-abosorbed
I'm sensitive (I've always been sensitive but now I've taken being sensitive to a new level)
Some people (my old friends) have even called me a drama queen. Wow. Sadly, I think they are right. My whole life is surrounded by drama. But in my defense it isn't drama I'm creating for myself. It's real life, all too true, drama! I don't know what to do. Maybe I shouldn't share it the way I do. It's interesting that some people like me to share it and are genuinely interested while others think it's wrong to air it. While still others say I shouldn't worry about it and should do what's right for me. What is right? It feels right to me to express it but I certainly don't want to be considered a drama queen.
Some people (my old friends) think I've forgotten my old friends. This is true and it's not true. I haven't really forgotten my old friends. I've moved away from them in many ways because of what's going on in my life. I haven't forgotten them. I've just (and maybe this is my offense) taken them for granted and assumed they would always be there understanding that I'm just going through a lot of sh!t.
Some people (my old friends) think I'm ungrateful. And for this I'm truly sorry. Because I'll always be grateful.
I've hurt other people's feelings. I've been accused of things that if I've done them I'm sorry. I apparently express myself very badly. I've lost some of my softness and some of the social skills I used to have. I used to be more tolerant. I'm much less tolerant. I made an attempt to start participating on my favorite on-line forum and completely made a hash of it.
There are old friends that I haven't heard from in months in real life. Actually close to a year. Many I haven't heard from since Denise died. I don't know how to get them back. What's there to say?
I've made many new friends and finally had a day out a couple of weeks ago with a girl friend. It was my first trip out without Mark, Nate or the boys. We went to a ballgame and had a great time! We talked and talked. She's someone I met through the Parent of Murdered Children support group. It seems as if they are the only people who I can relate to. I ran into another member at Wal-Mart the other day and it was great! We talked like old friends. He hadn't been to the last couple of meetings either. You wouldn't believe how good it felt to run into each other. It was like family!
And then other friends have stayed steadfast and true. They seem to understand that I'm truly not quite my old self right now. They also seem to realize that I'm still trying to find myself. And that my being self alsorbed isn't really who I am. One old friend pointed out that I'm not the only one with problems.
I've always tried to be selfless. I've always tried to love and accept just about everyone. Maybe I was naive. At one time someone said my motto was "love the sinner, hate the sin". I don't know.
Some people would even ask "why should I care?"
And here I go again. Talking about myself and running on and on about me. Drama queen.
I'm really just trying to find myself and who I am.
Thanks for listening.
The grandchildren
Since we've been busy moving I haven't had an opportunity to see much of the grandchildren. I'm missing them dearly. I had an opportunity to babysit last night and jumped at it. Then I realized not a minute later I had the meeting. Of course, I opted to see the babies. You can tell it's been a while since I've seen them because Noah was in a fairly nasty mood at first. He always gets that way when he hasn't seen someone in a while. I think it's his way of saying he's mad. As a matter of fact he was so mad I had to settle him down for a time out. He was crying and finally I asked "are you missing mommy?" Which made him start to cry harder but then he started nodding his head and calming down. I, of course, consoled him. It was odd though because usually we'll go get one of her pictures and we'll talk about her. But this time he didn't want anything to do with the pictures and started yelling "NO!" I don't know what that was all about. In any case he did calm down. And we did rock. It's just odd. Usually when we talk about her he smiles.
Today I'm going to pick him up early from daycare and spend some quality time with him going for a walk down by the water and seeing the boats. Maybe I'll even take him to the Indian Mounds park. Adam was fine. He's such a trooper.
I do my best for the babies but I don't know what is right to do and what is wrong. Should I have not asked about "mommy"? Did I put the thought there? I wish I knew. Sadly, there is no right or wrong and there are no rules. Anyhow, we rocked each other and I told him that I missed his mommy too.
the Parents of Murdered Children meeting
Man, was I sorry I missed it. I really wanted to go to this one. I feel like I'm losing friends (well I am) and I wanted to ask about everyone else's experiences without hearing any platitudes such as "well, if they were really your friends in the first place..........." Because many of the friends I've lost really were friends in the first place!
I don't know if it's me or what. I do know that my personality has changed quite dramatically. These are some of my new traits:
I'm abrasive
I'm self-abosorbed
I'm sensitive (I've always been sensitive but now I've taken being sensitive to a new level)
Some people (my old friends) have even called me a drama queen. Wow. Sadly, I think they are right. My whole life is surrounded by drama. But in my defense it isn't drama I'm creating for myself. It's real life, all too true, drama! I don't know what to do. Maybe I shouldn't share it the way I do. It's interesting that some people like me to share it and are genuinely interested while others think it's wrong to air it. While still others say I shouldn't worry about it and should do what's right for me. What is right? It feels right to me to express it but I certainly don't want to be considered a drama queen.
Some people (my old friends) think I've forgotten my old friends. This is true and it's not true. I haven't really forgotten my old friends. I've moved away from them in many ways because of what's going on in my life. I haven't forgotten them. I've just (and maybe this is my offense) taken them for granted and assumed they would always be there understanding that I'm just going through a lot of sh!t.
Some people (my old friends) think I'm ungrateful. And for this I'm truly sorry. Because I'll always be grateful.
I've hurt other people's feelings. I've been accused of things that if I've done them I'm sorry. I apparently express myself very badly. I've lost some of my softness and some of the social skills I used to have. I used to be more tolerant. I'm much less tolerant. I made an attempt to start participating on my favorite on-line forum and completely made a hash of it.
There are old friends that I haven't heard from in months in real life. Actually close to a year. Many I haven't heard from since Denise died. I don't know how to get them back. What's there to say?
I've made many new friends and finally had a day out a couple of weeks ago with a girl friend. It was my first trip out without Mark, Nate or the boys. We went to a ballgame and had a great time! We talked and talked. She's someone I met through the Parent of Murdered Children support group. It seems as if they are the only people who I can relate to. I ran into another member at Wal-Mart the other day and it was great! We talked like old friends. He hadn't been to the last couple of meetings either. You wouldn't believe how good it felt to run into each other. It was like family!
And then other friends have stayed steadfast and true. They seem to understand that I'm truly not quite my old self right now. They also seem to realize that I'm still trying to find myself. And that my being self alsorbed isn't really who I am. One old friend pointed out that I'm not the only one with problems.
I've always tried to be selfless. I've always tried to love and accept just about everyone. Maybe I was naive. At one time someone said my motto was "love the sinner, hate the sin". I don't know.
Some people would even ask "why should I care?"
And here I go again. Talking about myself and running on and on about me. Drama queen.
I'm really just trying to find myself and who I am.
Thanks for listening.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Sometimes.........
Nothing, not words, not drawings, nothing can describe homicide grief.
We have Denise's picture displayed prominently on one of our side tables. It's placed there to be eye level for the two babies. It's a beautiful picture. Possibly one of her best. Denise was amazingly photogenic. Just beautiful. Inside and out.
Sometimes I look at her picture and just start crying. I don't know why. Other times, I'm fine. It's odd. Sometimes I look at her picture and I start to visualize her in the room. Most of the time when I visualize her she's carrying Adam, our youngest grandchild. I'll hear her voice answering me when I ask "how are you, sweetie?"
Sometimes the grief overwhelms me.
Me. Her mother in law.
I can't imagine how her own mother handles it.
Homicide grief. It's like no other.
We have Denise's picture displayed prominently on one of our side tables. It's placed there to be eye level for the two babies. It's a beautiful picture. Possibly one of her best. Denise was amazingly photogenic. Just beautiful. Inside and out.
Sometimes I look at her picture and just start crying. I don't know why. Other times, I'm fine. It's odd. Sometimes I look at her picture and I start to visualize her in the room. Most of the time when I visualize her she's carrying Adam, our youngest grandchild. I'll hear her voice answering me when I ask "how are you, sweetie?"
Sometimes the grief overwhelms me.
Me. Her mother in law.
I can't imagine how her own mother handles it.
Homicide grief. It's like no other.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Missing children and homicide grief
Many years ago, when I was a young mom, my mother-in-law made a comment that startled me. My oldest son was probably around 4 years old. She said "you better protect him" "there are crazy men out there that prey on young boys" etc........
I have to say I was pretty darned shocked. I guess I had grown up fairly sheltered. I grew up inside the Baltimore beltway less than a mile from the Baltimore City line. I didn't think I was sheltered but, yes, I was.
In any case, I thought my mother in law was being just a bit paranoid. I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined someone taking my child to satisfy their perverse needs. It seemed ludicrous. We were getting ready to move to the country and we were going to be isolated. My husband and I were looking forward to the peace and quiet. We were looking forward to the isolation.
Twenty years later my son and daughter in law moved to an isolated spot. They weren't moving very far away but the house was isolated. My mother in law was worried about Denise being out there alone all by herself with the two boys. In the same way she worried about me with my two boys twenty years before.
Again, I thought she was being just a bit paranoid.
Of course, we know what happened. A year after moving in Denise was taken from her home and separated from her babies in broad daylight. She was subsequently brutally raped and then murdered less than 5 miles from her house. The babies were left stranded in a crib. Denise, beautiful sweet baby at the age of 21, killed. Just like that. Gone. Snuffed out. Disposed of as if she was disposable. Not!
Our lives will never be the same.
Wow. Was I naive.
And all these missing children. I can't imagine the pain young parents must feel. The anger.
I never thought about missing children much. I figured they were usually taken by disgruntled spouses. And, I guess the majority of them are. Still.... what did I know?
And, wow. Was I naive.
Two stories over the years before Denise went missing moved me. Pilar Rodriguez and Shawn Hornbeck's stories for some reason.
Pilar mostly because we had just moved to Florida when she went missing and I felt at the time the police weren't doing all they could to find her. I thought it was because she was Hispanic. I could've been wrong. I hardly remember the details. I just remember the thought. I could've been way off.
Shawn Hornbeck because somehow he survived. His story is one of such hope.
I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm writing it for those readers that haven't gone through such a crisis. Protect your kids. Don't be paranoid but do be smart. It could happen to anybody.
I worry sometimes that my grandchildren will be kidnapped.
I wonder if I'm being paranoid.
I don't know. I answered the door the other day to strangers. They ended up being Jehovah's Witnesses. I thought afterward, "gee, maybe I shouldn't have answered the door." Was Denise taken simply because she answered a door? We don't know how he got in. We know the windows were open. Does that mean I have to lock my windows all the time?
What an insane world. It's really messed up. The questions why? why? why? I don't think I'll ever get past asking why. I know there are no answers.
I best stop thinking about it. I hope they find little Haleigh Cummings soon.
Sorry. Once again I'm crying on the inside not only for Denise and my family but for the Cummings family, for the Rodriguez's, the Lunsfords...... I cry for them all.
What's going on? What's wrong with us? These children (and I lump Denise in there at the age of 21) are our future?
I have to say I was pretty darned shocked. I guess I had grown up fairly sheltered. I grew up inside the Baltimore beltway less than a mile from the Baltimore City line. I didn't think I was sheltered but, yes, I was.
In any case, I thought my mother in law was being just a bit paranoid. I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined someone taking my child to satisfy their perverse needs. It seemed ludicrous. We were getting ready to move to the country and we were going to be isolated. My husband and I were looking forward to the peace and quiet. We were looking forward to the isolation.
Twenty years later my son and daughter in law moved to an isolated spot. They weren't moving very far away but the house was isolated. My mother in law was worried about Denise being out there alone all by herself with the two boys. In the same way she worried about me with my two boys twenty years before.
Again, I thought she was being just a bit paranoid.
Of course, we know what happened. A year after moving in Denise was taken from her home and separated from her babies in broad daylight. She was subsequently brutally raped and then murdered less than 5 miles from her house. The babies were left stranded in a crib. Denise, beautiful sweet baby at the age of 21, killed. Just like that. Gone. Snuffed out. Disposed of as if she was disposable. Not!
Our lives will never be the same.
Wow. Was I naive.
And all these missing children. I can't imagine the pain young parents must feel. The anger.
I never thought about missing children much. I figured they were usually taken by disgruntled spouses. And, I guess the majority of them are. Still.... what did I know?
And, wow. Was I naive.
Two stories over the years before Denise went missing moved me. Pilar Rodriguez and Shawn Hornbeck's stories for some reason.
Pilar mostly because we had just moved to Florida when she went missing and I felt at the time the police weren't doing all they could to find her. I thought it was because she was Hispanic. I could've been wrong. I hardly remember the details. I just remember the thought. I could've been way off.
Shawn Hornbeck because somehow he survived. His story is one of such hope.
I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm writing it for those readers that haven't gone through such a crisis. Protect your kids. Don't be paranoid but do be smart. It could happen to anybody.
I worry sometimes that my grandchildren will be kidnapped.
I wonder if I'm being paranoid.
I don't know. I answered the door the other day to strangers. They ended up being Jehovah's Witnesses. I thought afterward, "gee, maybe I shouldn't have answered the door." Was Denise taken simply because she answered a door? We don't know how he got in. We know the windows were open. Does that mean I have to lock my windows all the time?
What an insane world. It's really messed up. The questions why? why? why? I don't think I'll ever get past asking why. I know there are no answers.
I best stop thinking about it. I hope they find little Haleigh Cummings soon.
Sorry. Once again I'm crying on the inside not only for Denise and my family but for the Cummings family, for the Rodriguez's, the Lunsfords...... I cry for them all.
What's going on? What's wrong with us? These children (and I lump Denise in there at the age of 21) are our future?
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Book Review "Peace Is Every Step"
Seems silly to be doing a book review when I haven't even finished reading the book.
But, I have to tell you, this book is perfect in it's simplicity.
Homicide grief for me has been very complicated. I've suffered from depression in the past and it's been difficult for me to tell the difference between clinical depression and homicide grief.
And it makes you wonder how to treat it or if treatment is necessary. Personally, I've shied away from anti-depressants throughout all this. I'm not saying that's right or wrong. There is no right or wrong. We're all different and what benefits me may not benefit you and vice versa.
Be that as it may I've shied away from meds. I've been on them before and they messed me up.
Therefore, I've been looking for alternatives ways to feel better. As I mentioned in my last post, I've shied away from my bike and just look at it with a big yawn. I don't exercise the way I should and my diet is terrible.
I've got to do something. Anyhow, a friend living in Chicago sent me this book "Peace Is Every Step". (He also sent a DVD of Artur Rubinstein playing in Moscow, 1964. Bliss!)
Anyhow, the Rubinstein was a great gift but the book is perfect. I can utilize what the book is teaching me anywhere at anytime. I'm thinking if I practice it enough it will surely help me when it comes time for the trial.
I've only gotten through the first few chapters. I can't seem to get any farther I'm enjoying the beginning chapters too much. It's a very thin book and therefore non intimidating. (I don't have the attention span since the murder for thick books). The chapters are barely 2 pages long. It was written by a Vietnamese monk and he teaches how not to over think. He says thinking is good but too much thinking can be unhealthy. Something I've been saying since my daughter in law died. He teaches (at least in the first few chapters) how to breath and how to smile. If we concentrate on those two simple things, we'll think less often and it'll be easier to relax and "enjoy the moment".
Homicide's create chaos for all involved. I don't think a person can go through anything more chaotic and unbearable than homicide grief. It affects the entire family in different ways. It creates dysfunction throughout the family and among friends. I've often described my feelings as the Bermuda Triangle of feelings. If we are what we think, than there's nothing worse than homicide grief. Maybe suicide grief. I don't know. That would be terrible. The loss of a child. Terrible. The loss of two children playing in a trunk (which happened near here recently) has to be unbearable.
In all these heartbreaking scenarios, simplicity seems to be a start to an answer in healing. At least it is for me now after more than a year of this madness. And it is madness.
But, I have to tell you, this book is perfect in it's simplicity.
Homicide grief for me has been very complicated. I've suffered from depression in the past and it's been difficult for me to tell the difference between clinical depression and homicide grief.
And it makes you wonder how to treat it or if treatment is necessary. Personally, I've shied away from anti-depressants throughout all this. I'm not saying that's right or wrong. There is no right or wrong. We're all different and what benefits me may not benefit you and vice versa.
Be that as it may I've shied away from meds. I've been on them before and they messed me up.
Therefore, I've been looking for alternatives ways to feel better. As I mentioned in my last post, I've shied away from my bike and just look at it with a big yawn. I don't exercise the way I should and my diet is terrible.
I've got to do something. Anyhow, a friend living in Chicago sent me this book "Peace Is Every Step". (He also sent a DVD of Artur Rubinstein playing in Moscow, 1964. Bliss!)
Anyhow, the Rubinstein was a great gift but the book is perfect. I can utilize what the book is teaching me anywhere at anytime. I'm thinking if I practice it enough it will surely help me when it comes time for the trial.
I've only gotten through the first few chapters. I can't seem to get any farther I'm enjoying the beginning chapters too much. It's a very thin book and therefore non intimidating. (I don't have the attention span since the murder for thick books). The chapters are barely 2 pages long. It was written by a Vietnamese monk and he teaches how not to over think. He says thinking is good but too much thinking can be unhealthy. Something I've been saying since my daughter in law died. He teaches (at least in the first few chapters) how to breath and how to smile. If we concentrate on those two simple things, we'll think less often and it'll be easier to relax and "enjoy the moment".
Homicide's create chaos for all involved. I don't think a person can go through anything more chaotic and unbearable than homicide grief. It affects the entire family in different ways. It creates dysfunction throughout the family and among friends. I've often described my feelings as the Bermuda Triangle of feelings. If we are what we think, than there's nothing worse than homicide grief. Maybe suicide grief. I don't know. That would be terrible. The loss of a child. Terrible. The loss of two children playing in a trunk (which happened near here recently) has to be unbearable.
In all these heartbreaking scenarios, simplicity seems to be a start to an answer in healing. At least it is for me now after more than a year of this madness. And it is madness.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Health is a serious issue
It's been just over a year since we lost our daughter-in-law.
And in all my reading I've read several times that health can become an issue when experiencing homicide grief. This is soooo true, at least, it's become an issue for me.
It didn't start out as an issue. I was fairly healthy when we lost my daughter in law last January. But, I've since gained at least 25 pounds. I've also lost 4 pairs of eyeglasses and if I don't get to the dentist soon, I could lose a couple of teeth. All within one year. I missed two mammograms, I mentioned those earlier. I very rarely exercise anymore. I just look at my bike and yawn.
Why? You wonder why. I've never been one to let myself go. I've always taken pride in myself. Now? heh.
I figure I'm getting plenty of exercise chasing babies!
In any case, tomorrow I'm setting up a dentist and an eye doctor appointment. I just have to do it. I've been to my other doctor and he seems to think I'm fine otherwise. The weight he said not to worry about. But! I don't want to get any bigger!!!!
I hate to buy another pair of eyeglasses but if I want to drive at night I just have to have them.
We had to exchange cars with my son tonight and I had to drive his pickup. The glare was downright scary. I don't like driving trucks anyway. It would be different if it were a clutch and we lived out in the country with hills and open road. Around here, it's a pain in the butt.
Anyhow, why do I post this? Just as as reminder to take care of yourself. Ignoring ourselves apparently really does catch up with us. It's catching up with me now. I'm downright embarrassed about going to see the dentist. And he's such a nice dentist too.
All my doctors are nice. I don't know why I don't want to see them more often.
And in all my reading I've read several times that health can become an issue when experiencing homicide grief. This is soooo true, at least, it's become an issue for me.
It didn't start out as an issue. I was fairly healthy when we lost my daughter in law last January. But, I've since gained at least 25 pounds. I've also lost 4 pairs of eyeglasses and if I don't get to the dentist soon, I could lose a couple of teeth. All within one year. I missed two mammograms, I mentioned those earlier. I very rarely exercise anymore. I just look at my bike and yawn.
Why? You wonder why. I've never been one to let myself go. I've always taken pride in myself. Now? heh.
I figure I'm getting plenty of exercise chasing babies!
In any case, tomorrow I'm setting up a dentist and an eye doctor appointment. I just have to do it. I've been to my other doctor and he seems to think I'm fine otherwise. The weight he said not to worry about. But! I don't want to get any bigger!!!!
I hate to buy another pair of eyeglasses but if I want to drive at night I just have to have them.
We had to exchange cars with my son tonight and I had to drive his pickup. The glare was downright scary. I don't like driving trucks anyway. It would be different if it were a clutch and we lived out in the country with hills and open road. Around here, it's a pain in the butt.
Anyhow, why do I post this? Just as as reminder to take care of yourself. Ignoring ourselves apparently really does catch up with us. It's catching up with me now. I'm downright embarrassed about going to see the dentist. And he's such a nice dentist too.
All my doctors are nice. I don't know why I don't want to see them more often.
From GriefWorks/ Suggestions for survivors of murder
Even after a year I'm still finding new things that help. Sometimes I wonder what I'm searching for when looking at this stuff. Whether it's answers to why she was murdered or whether it's answers to are we every going to heal.
Our family is so full of dysfunction. The adjustments are constant and we're continually switching roles. I thank God that we were a close family to begin with because if we hadn't been, we'd certainly be tested now. As it is, everyone is stressed and strained.
This is what I found from GriefWorks:
suggestions for survivors of murder Someone you love has been murdered. Your whole world has been thrown into chaos and uncertainty. You feel vulnerable. Over time and with the help of other supportive people, you will get through this terrible time.
Some of the following suggestions may be helpful:
- Know you can survive. You may not think so, but you can;
- Struggle with why it happened until you no longer need to know why or until you are satisfied with partial answers;
- Know you may be overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings but all your feelings are a natural reaction to what has happened;
- Anger, guilt, confusion, forgetfulness are common responses;
- You are not crazy - you are in mourning;
- Be aware you may feel anger at the murderer, the person who died, the world, at God, at yourself. It's okay to express it;
- You may feel guilty for what you think you did or did not do to maybe prevent it;
- Guilt can turn into regret through forgiveness;
- Having suicidal thoughts is common. It does not mean that you will act on those thoughts. Find a good listener with whom to share;
- Call someone if you need to talk;
- Don't be afraid to cry. Tears are healing;
- Give yourself time to heal;
- If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may only be experiencing a remnant of grief, an unfinished piece. Grieving is like a roller coaster ride;
- Try to put off major decisions;
- Give yourself permission to get professional help;
- Be aware of the pain of your family and friends;
- Be patient with yourself and others who may not understand;
- Set your own limits and learn to say 'no' when someone asks something of you that you are not up to doing;
- Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel;
- Know that there are support groups that can be helpful;
- Call on your personal faith to help you through;
- Know it is common to experience physical reactions to your grief eg. headache, loss of appetite, inability to sleep, irritability or restlessness;
- Have the willingness to laugh with others or at yourself;
- Wear out your questions, anger, guilt or other feelings until you can let them go;
- Letting go doesn't mean forgetting;
and
- Know that you will never be the same again, but you can survive and even go beyond just surviving.
Copyright 2002 Griefworks BC
Access Griefwork's excellent archive of articles on grief now!
Link: http://www.thisisawar.com/GriefMurder.htm
Our family is so full of dysfunction. The adjustments are constant and we're continually switching roles. I thank God that we were a close family to begin with because if we hadn't been, we'd certainly be tested now. As it is, everyone is stressed and strained.
This is what I found from GriefWorks:
suggestions for survivors of murder Someone you love has been murdered. Your whole world has been thrown into chaos and uncertainty. You feel vulnerable. Over time and with the help of other supportive people, you will get through this terrible time.
Some of the following suggestions may be helpful:
- Know you can survive. You may not think so, but you can;
- Struggle with why it happened until you no longer need to know why or until you are satisfied with partial answers;
- Know you may be overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings but all your feelings are a natural reaction to what has happened;
- Anger, guilt, confusion, forgetfulness are common responses;
- You are not crazy - you are in mourning;
- Be aware you may feel anger at the murderer, the person who died, the world, at God, at yourself. It's okay to express it;
- You may feel guilty for what you think you did or did not do to maybe prevent it;
- Guilt can turn into regret through forgiveness;
- Having suicidal thoughts is common. It does not mean that you will act on those thoughts. Find a good listener with whom to share;
- Call someone if you need to talk;
- Don't be afraid to cry. Tears are healing;
- Give yourself time to heal;
- If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may only be experiencing a remnant of grief, an unfinished piece. Grieving is like a roller coaster ride;
- Try to put off major decisions;
- Give yourself permission to get professional help;
- Be aware of the pain of your family and friends;
- Be patient with yourself and others who may not understand;
- Set your own limits and learn to say 'no' when someone asks something of you that you are not up to doing;
- Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel;
- Know that there are support groups that can be helpful;
- Call on your personal faith to help you through;
- Know it is common to experience physical reactions to your grief eg. headache, loss of appetite, inability to sleep, irritability or restlessness;
- Have the willingness to laugh with others or at yourself;
- Wear out your questions, anger, guilt or other feelings until you can let them go;
- Letting go doesn't mean forgetting;
and
- Know that you will never be the same again, but you can survive and even go beyond just surviving.
Copyright 2002 Griefworks BC
Access Griefwork's excellent archive of articles on grief now!
Link: http://www.thisisawar.com/GriefMurder.htm
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Hayleigh Cummings and homicide grief
A little girl has been missing in central Florida for the past few days. It echoes the Jessica Lunsford case.
I have difficulty watching other people's tragedies on the news. I didn't watch hardly any of the Caylee Anthony news coverage. I had a difficult time wrapping my mind around what the young mother Casey Anthony may or may not have done.
It's just since my daughter in law died it's difficult to open myself up to other people's pain.
I feel myself slowly healing though because I'm becoming less self absorbed and more concerned about others now. For the past year it's been all about my daughter in law.
It still is mostly about my daughter in law but I'm able to at least pray now for other people.
It's odd, I have trouble praying for myself and my own family. The prayers are weak. My anger is still strong towards God. I can't understand why these babies have to suffer. And whether they are 3, 5, 7,8, or 9, they are babies. And they are suffering.
I wonder sometimes if the man that killed my daughter in law went after her because she was so tiny and small. Maybe he thought of her as a child. I think of her as a child. She was only 21. To me that's a baby. All my babies are older than she was. And eyewitness who saw the abduction mistook her for a child.
Anyhow, whatever the case. I don't understand why little Jessica Lunsford had to suffer.
Or Coral Rose Fullwood.
I don't get it. I'll never get it. And each time someone goes missing whether it's a child or an adult it just brings back those days when we didn't know where my daughter in law was.
That's why I stayed away from the Caylee Anthony case. She was missing for so long.
I hope they find this little girl soon. And I pray they bring her home safe. God bless her family during this time.
I have difficulty watching other people's tragedies on the news. I didn't watch hardly any of the Caylee Anthony news coverage. I had a difficult time wrapping my mind around what the young mother Casey Anthony may or may not have done.
It's just since my daughter in law died it's difficult to open myself up to other people's pain.
I feel myself slowly healing though because I'm becoming less self absorbed and more concerned about others now. For the past year it's been all about my daughter in law.
It still is mostly about my daughter in law but I'm able to at least pray now for other people.
It's odd, I have trouble praying for myself and my own family. The prayers are weak. My anger is still strong towards God. I can't understand why these babies have to suffer. And whether they are 3, 5, 7,8, or 9, they are babies. And they are suffering.
I wonder sometimes if the man that killed my daughter in law went after her because she was so tiny and small. Maybe he thought of her as a child. I think of her as a child. She was only 21. To me that's a baby. All my babies are older than she was. And eyewitness who saw the abduction mistook her for a child.
Anyhow, whatever the case. I don't understand why little Jessica Lunsford had to suffer.
Or Coral Rose Fullwood.
I don't get it. I'll never get it. And each time someone goes missing whether it's a child or an adult it just brings back those days when we didn't know where my daughter in law was.
That's why I stayed away from the Caylee Anthony case. She was missing for so long.
I hope they find this little girl soon. And I pray they bring her home safe. God bless her family during this time.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Homicide grief a Year Later
This is an edited version of a post I posted in my first blog.
Last March while writing about homicide grief, my grief was still very raw. Now, a year later it's still raw. The biggest difference is I've seem to have come out of what I can only describe as a zombie phase. For many months after we lost my daughter in law I was a zombie. I met people and attended fundraisers and was simply there. I didn't feel an active part of any of it. It was just all happening around me and I don't feel as if I contributed much other than my presence and of course, watching the babies.
I have hardened up some. I still cry quite often but not nearly as openly as I used to. I've become used to the newspaper articles and the news reels. Over this past New Years, one of the news reels proclaimed my daughter in law's story to be "the saddest story of 2008" at least locally. And I didn't cry.
Well wait a minute. I take that back. I did cry. But I cried on the inside. I read somewhere someone describe homicide grief saying "it's as if you're bleeding on the inside" and that's so true. It's a perfect description.
I also read that you don't get over it, you simply adjust. Or maybe someone told me that. I can't remember. But that's basically true too.
Anyhow, I believe I've come out of that zombie phase. I feel that "fog" lifting. Maybe it's because the holidays are finally over. Maybe it's because it's been a year. I don't know.
But as far as the pain? It's still as raw as it was a year ago. I still feel as if "I'm bleeding on the inside". And maybe it's because I'm no longer in the zombie phase, I feel it all more keenly.
One of the best things about being out of the zombie phase is being able to recognize all the good people out there. So many people trying to help. So many who are willing to listen to me. Yes, there are those who are sick and tired of the story and wish the story would go away. The woman who said "well, at least now you know other people have problems too"....... Well, I know not to talk to her about it anymore. I don't think she intended to be mean, it just came out as being mean. Maybe I do talk about it too much. It certainly absorbs all my thoughts. The sad thing is, I wasn't even talking about Denise. I was talking about that poor unfortunate golf pro who's life ended so abruptly.
People say you are your thoughts. Hmmmm...... Well crap. No wonder I'm such a mess.
And it's not so much just this. It seems that every week something else happens. It's such a roller coaster. One day you feel maybe not elated but at least at peace and the next day you feel like someone stepped on you again.
So anyway I'm seeing things a bit more clearly now. And I believe that's a good thing.
So many people who experience tragedies like ours have turned their tragedies into positive changes and hopes for other victims in either preventing future tragedies or with helping the victims families.
On a local level, I look at people like the leader of our Parents of Murdered Children support group. And wow! How inspiring is she! To give of yourself month after month by being there for others. And believe me, no matter how tragic it all is, there is comfort in numbers. You don't wish tragedy on anyone and it saddens you to know there are others out there experiencing the raw pain you are but being able to have someone hug you that "truly understands" is the greatest gift. IMO. You have family and friends who love you more than anything, but you know they don't quite understand even though you know they want to. Anyhow, this support group she brought about in our area won't bring her son back. But in a way it does. In a spiritual sense it brings him back for her. She knows that if she wants to talk about him, cry about him or rage about what happened to him no one is going to minimalize her pain and say "get over it". So, anyway, she's doing something truly wonderful for other people. And I applaud her for it.
On a national level, of course, John Walsh has got to be one of the most inspiring individuals in the country if not the world. And still after 27 years he still cries over his little boy. And of course, there are so many others we all know about.
Look at Shawn Hornbeck's family. They never gave up hope and are now not only coping with mending their family, they too are reaching out to others offering support and comfort.
Turning tragedy and anger into positive hope for others.
My son, of course, has started the a foundation in honor and memory of my daughter in law promoting solutions to 9-1-1 mishaps which was inspired by the overwhelming support of our community. There was so much money raised for him and the babies. And he took a large chunk of it to start this foundation to bring about improvement in 9-1-1 centers. It was his way of giving back to a community that gave us so much. And he wants to reach out to other families who have experienced similar tragedies. What a dragon he's taking on. It hasn't been easy for my son to continually put his pain on display in the media. But he knows my daughter in law's story and other stories need to be heard. My husband has been spending hours and hours researching 9-1-1 issues and is in contact with 9-1-1 industry people on a daily basis offering help where he can. My husband does the research and my son goes on shows and speaks.
What I'm trying to figure out now that I'm out of my zombie phase, is where am I going and what am I going to do to help bring positive hope and light to others. I don't know.
I do know that I'm only a support player in this tragedy. It's my son and daughter in law's story and I just have a support role. And maybe that's what I need to continue doing. Just being here, supporting, loving, holding the family together, and watching the babies!
I did delve pretty heavily into the 9-1-1 debacle of how our local 9-1-1 center totally screwed up. I still believe it was a cover up or intended to be a cover up. Why else wouldn't they have contacted the other police dept which had jurisdiction about the call? I'll never give up in the battle of exposing what they tried to do.
We just want so much not to have seen my daughter in law die in vain. The murderer certainly killed her. He shot her in the head. But the 9-1-1 center messed up bad. If we can help another family not go through a similar situation all the efforts will have been worth it.
Anyhow, thanks for listening again! Much peace and love to all.
Last March while writing about homicide grief, my grief was still very raw. Now, a year later it's still raw. The biggest difference is I've seem to have come out of what I can only describe as a zombie phase. For many months after we lost my daughter in law I was a zombie. I met people and attended fundraisers and was simply there. I didn't feel an active part of any of it. It was just all happening around me and I don't feel as if I contributed much other than my presence and of course, watching the babies.
I have hardened up some. I still cry quite often but not nearly as openly as I used to. I've become used to the newspaper articles and the news reels. Over this past New Years, one of the news reels proclaimed my daughter in law's story to be "the saddest story of 2008" at least locally. And I didn't cry.
Well wait a minute. I take that back. I did cry. But I cried on the inside. I read somewhere someone describe homicide grief saying "it's as if you're bleeding on the inside" and that's so true. It's a perfect description.
I also read that you don't get over it, you simply adjust. Or maybe someone told me that. I can't remember. But that's basically true too.
Anyhow, I believe I've come out of that zombie phase. I feel that "fog" lifting. Maybe it's because the holidays are finally over. Maybe it's because it's been a year. I don't know.
But as far as the pain? It's still as raw as it was a year ago. I still feel as if "I'm bleeding on the inside". And maybe it's because I'm no longer in the zombie phase, I feel it all more keenly.
One of the best things about being out of the zombie phase is being able to recognize all the good people out there. So many people trying to help. So many who are willing to listen to me. Yes, there are those who are sick and tired of the story and wish the story would go away. The woman who said "well, at least now you know other people have problems too"....... Well, I know not to talk to her about it anymore. I don't think she intended to be mean, it just came out as being mean. Maybe I do talk about it too much. It certainly absorbs all my thoughts. The sad thing is, I wasn't even talking about Denise. I was talking about that poor unfortunate golf pro who's life ended so abruptly.
People say you are your thoughts. Hmmmm...... Well crap. No wonder I'm such a mess.
And it's not so much just this. It seems that every week something else happens. It's such a roller coaster. One day you feel maybe not elated but at least at peace and the next day you feel like someone stepped on you again.
So anyway I'm seeing things a bit more clearly now. And I believe that's a good thing.
So many people who experience tragedies like ours have turned their tragedies into positive changes and hopes for other victims in either preventing future tragedies or with helping the victims families.
On a local level, I look at people like the leader of our Parents of Murdered Children support group. And wow! How inspiring is she! To give of yourself month after month by being there for others. And believe me, no matter how tragic it all is, there is comfort in numbers. You don't wish tragedy on anyone and it saddens you to know there are others out there experiencing the raw pain you are but being able to have someone hug you that "truly understands" is the greatest gift. IMO. You have family and friends who love you more than anything, but you know they don't quite understand even though you know they want to. Anyhow, this support group she brought about in our area won't bring her son back. But in a way it does. In a spiritual sense it brings him back for her. She knows that if she wants to talk about him, cry about him or rage about what happened to him no one is going to minimalize her pain and say "get over it". So, anyway, she's doing something truly wonderful for other people. And I applaud her for it.
On a national level, of course, John Walsh has got to be one of the most inspiring individuals in the country if not the world. And still after 27 years he still cries over his little boy. And of course, there are so many others we all know about.
Look at Shawn Hornbeck's family. They never gave up hope and are now not only coping with mending their family, they too are reaching out to others offering support and comfort.
Turning tragedy and anger into positive hope for others.
My son, of course, has started the a foundation in honor and memory of my daughter in law promoting solutions to 9-1-1 mishaps which was inspired by the overwhelming support of our community. There was so much money raised for him and the babies. And he took a large chunk of it to start this foundation to bring about improvement in 9-1-1 centers. It was his way of giving back to a community that gave us so much. And he wants to reach out to other families who have experienced similar tragedies. What a dragon he's taking on. It hasn't been easy for my son to continually put his pain on display in the media. But he knows my daughter in law's story and other stories need to be heard. My husband has been spending hours and hours researching 9-1-1 issues and is in contact with 9-1-1 industry people on a daily basis offering help where he can. My husband does the research and my son goes on shows and speaks.
What I'm trying to figure out now that I'm out of my zombie phase, is where am I going and what am I going to do to help bring positive hope and light to others. I don't know.
I do know that I'm only a support player in this tragedy. It's my son and daughter in law's story and I just have a support role. And maybe that's what I need to continue doing. Just being here, supporting, loving, holding the family together, and watching the babies!
I did delve pretty heavily into the 9-1-1 debacle of how our local 9-1-1 center totally screwed up. I still believe it was a cover up or intended to be a cover up. Why else wouldn't they have contacted the other police dept which had jurisdiction about the call? I'll never give up in the battle of exposing what they tried to do.
We just want so much not to have seen my daughter in law die in vain. The murderer certainly killed her. He shot her in the head. But the 9-1-1 center messed up bad. If we can help another family not go through a similar situation all the efforts will have been worth it.
Anyhow, thanks for listening again! Much peace and love to all.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
The grandchildren's grief
I hesitate to blog about this simply because I'm no expert. So what I'll share is my experiences with the children but I'll not give advice. I have none to give.
I say "my experiences" with the children because I believe they experience and react differently with different people. I believe they may react different with their MomMom (their other grandmother) than with me. She has a grace about her and a quietness. I'm a little louder and more talkative. Just as my relationships with my grandmothers were different, I believe their relationship with each of us are different. One's not better than the other they are simply different. IMO the roles of both sets of grandparents is to give the grandchildren the best of both worlds.
In the beginning I believe MomMom and I were both very worried. I was worried because my son moved in with her and the babies grandpa directly after my daughter in law died. They needed to be near the children and my son needed to be near them. Living in their home brought him closer to our daughter in law. So, it worked out for all of them. My husband and I felt almost stranded. Here I was my son's mom, and it didnt seem as if he needed me. His life was shattered and destroyed but I was "it seemed" not needed. I was so afraid of losing him and the babies. I felt alone and isolated.
I remember having a strong desire that lasted a very long time of wanting to hold my son and rock him gently back and forth. I wanted to desperately take his pain away. I learned then, that as a grown man, my son didn't necessarily need me holding him. And he certainly didn't need me hovering. I made a vow then that I would do my best to not meddle in his life and to have complete faith in him. I still do my best to hold on to that vow. The desire to rock him and hold him has never really gone away. I guess all mom's feel that. I can't imagine what MomMom is feeling.
I'm sure MomMom was worried too. It was her daughter who was lost. I can only imagine her thought pattern. But I believe she would've thought that possibly my son would come running to our side of the family when ever he needed someone. And that her role would dwindle in time. Who knows, my son may remarry someday.... etc.... the thoughts race. Who knows what the future brings? It sux having to think about it. Rightfully, the daughter should be there. It's unnatural that she's not. Anger again.
Fortunately, for her and me, we are both kind, loving, caring and compassionate individuals. I think we instinctively knew and know each other's fears. And we've done our best, without really saying so, to share willingly and lovingly.
Throughout this past year we've worked together in every way possible. I feel blessed that she's their MomMom. We're both very different. She's quiet. I'm more outgoing. But we're both the same in the way we love these babies and want the best for them.
That helps. A great deal. If I was to give advice that's what it would be. Be good to the in-laws and GET ALONG! It's so important for the children.
Our two grandbabies have been shuffled around quite a bit.
In the beginning my son lived with both boys at the in-laws. (He's since moved out). Then the in-laws went back to work and so did my son. I didn't go back right away. I stayed home with the boys. So, that worked out. I stayed with the boys during the day and then my son and the in-laws had them at night. We didn't feel comfortable putting them in daycare right away because when my daughter in law died she was a stay at home mom. So, we tried to respect that.
Eventually though, we felt it was time they went into daycare. I had to start working as much as I could and the boys needed it. Especially the older one. We started the older one first and eased the younger one in.
I should tell you that when my daughter in law died the oldest had just turned 2. And the youngest had just turned 6 months. They are exactly 18 months apart.
At the time of her death neither child could talk. The eldest was saying one word phrases but that was it. The only words he had put together were "bye bye big truck". My daughter in law was constantly working with him. But he digressed in some ways. She had almost had him potty trained and well........ it's over a year later and we're still potty training him. That's because we basically stopped because of the stress and didn't start again until a couple of months ago. I think the potty training brings back memories for him. I think he's fighting it for her. I don't know.
We do our best to keep her memory alive in both of them. The youngest does recognize her picture and can point and say "mommy" but he doesn't have any memory. I know I talk about her with the oldest quite often. I'll tell him he reminds me of his mommy especially when he's happy and silly.
I remember those first few months when I had them during the day. They were special days but there were odd times for the oldest. I remember he would look off into the distance. He couldn't play by himself the way most children do. He had to have constant attention. It was as if, when he played alone he would think and remember. I remember going into another room and finding him lying on the floor and just staring into space. I'd say "are you okay" and he wouldn't say. He'd just stare into space. I was puzzled at first and then learned that during those times he was thinking about mommy. I asked "are you thinking about mommy?" and he'd nod. So, I'd get her picture out and we'd chat about her. He'd sit on my lap and I'd go over how pretty she was and how she was always smiling. He enjoyed that immensely. He wanted to talk about her. He wanted to remember her. My husband sometimes would think I was being morbid but no. It seemed important to chat about her. The chats were and still are very casual and fun.
I remember times when he would take her picture (we have one that's very special that I keep out and in reach for him) and set it in the middle of the coffee table. Then he would play with his cars and trucks while she sat on the table watching. It was eerie. It gave me shivers and still does. But I let him.
Then there were times, later, when he started "I don't want grandma! Want mommy!" That is when he was first starting to be able to voice his feelings. "DON'T WANT GRANDMA! WANT MOMMY!!!!" oh my gosh. What do you do? Me? I cried inside and out. Then we cried together and I held him. We cried. But it was only once. We never did it again.
Then one night I went to kiss him goodnight and he wanted mommy. So I said "okay, close your eyes and pretend.... and then I'll be mommy. Close your eyes!" and he did. I kissed him and he was happy. That only happened once though. The moment has never been recaptured. We've never done it since.
It seems as if by the age of 3 he's accepted (and it took probably 7-8 months) that she's not coming back.
Anger issues? Yes, I know he has them. We all do. We can't run away from them.
But all in all, he's happy. He smiles and laughs and giggles 85% of the time. At least when he's here. (I started typing 95% but I brought that number down).
The youngest? I think some of us disagree on how to handle him. He likes his 3 B's. His Binky, his Blanket and his Bottle. He gets shuttled from daddy's to MomMom's to my house and has never had a "true" routine since his mommy died. His 3 B's are his routine. At 18 months, my son believes it's time to start weaning him. I oppose this but only mention it here. My son is the decision maker.
But he does good. He really does. He's a scamp, the youngest! He loves to perform! He's, of course, way ahead of the older one at his age because he mimics everything and he's a daredevil!
They are so precious. My daughter in law saved their lives. She literally saved their lives by keeping the perp/creep/monster as far away from them as she could. She laid down her life for them. I really really miss her.
I say "my experiences" with the children because I believe they experience and react differently with different people. I believe they may react different with their MomMom (their other grandmother) than with me. She has a grace about her and a quietness. I'm a little louder and more talkative. Just as my relationships with my grandmothers were different, I believe their relationship with each of us are different. One's not better than the other they are simply different. IMO the roles of both sets of grandparents is to give the grandchildren the best of both worlds.
In the beginning I believe MomMom and I were both very worried. I was worried because my son moved in with her and the babies grandpa directly after my daughter in law died. They needed to be near the children and my son needed to be near them. Living in their home brought him closer to our daughter in law. So, it worked out for all of them. My husband and I felt almost stranded. Here I was my son's mom, and it didnt seem as if he needed me. His life was shattered and destroyed but I was "it seemed" not needed. I was so afraid of losing him and the babies. I felt alone and isolated.
I remember having a strong desire that lasted a very long time of wanting to hold my son and rock him gently back and forth. I wanted to desperately take his pain away. I learned then, that as a grown man, my son didn't necessarily need me holding him. And he certainly didn't need me hovering. I made a vow then that I would do my best to not meddle in his life and to have complete faith in him. I still do my best to hold on to that vow. The desire to rock him and hold him has never really gone away. I guess all mom's feel that. I can't imagine what MomMom is feeling.
I'm sure MomMom was worried too. It was her daughter who was lost. I can only imagine her thought pattern. But I believe she would've thought that possibly my son would come running to our side of the family when ever he needed someone. And that her role would dwindle in time. Who knows, my son may remarry someday.... etc.... the thoughts race. Who knows what the future brings? It sux having to think about it. Rightfully, the daughter should be there. It's unnatural that she's not. Anger again.
Fortunately, for her and me, we are both kind, loving, caring and compassionate individuals. I think we instinctively knew and know each other's fears. And we've done our best, without really saying so, to share willingly and lovingly.
Throughout this past year we've worked together in every way possible. I feel blessed that she's their MomMom. We're both very different. She's quiet. I'm more outgoing. But we're both the same in the way we love these babies and want the best for them.
That helps. A great deal. If I was to give advice that's what it would be. Be good to the in-laws and GET ALONG! It's so important for the children.
Our two grandbabies have been shuffled around quite a bit.
In the beginning my son lived with both boys at the in-laws. (He's since moved out). Then the in-laws went back to work and so did my son. I didn't go back right away. I stayed home with the boys. So, that worked out. I stayed with the boys during the day and then my son and the in-laws had them at night. We didn't feel comfortable putting them in daycare right away because when my daughter in law died she was a stay at home mom. So, we tried to respect that.
Eventually though, we felt it was time they went into daycare. I had to start working as much as I could and the boys needed it. Especially the older one. We started the older one first and eased the younger one in.
I should tell you that when my daughter in law died the oldest had just turned 2. And the youngest had just turned 6 months. They are exactly 18 months apart.
At the time of her death neither child could talk. The eldest was saying one word phrases but that was it. The only words he had put together were "bye bye big truck". My daughter in law was constantly working with him. But he digressed in some ways. She had almost had him potty trained and well........ it's over a year later and we're still potty training him. That's because we basically stopped because of the stress and didn't start again until a couple of months ago. I think the potty training brings back memories for him. I think he's fighting it for her. I don't know.
We do our best to keep her memory alive in both of them. The youngest does recognize her picture and can point and say "mommy" but he doesn't have any memory. I know I talk about her with the oldest quite often. I'll tell him he reminds me of his mommy especially when he's happy and silly.
I remember those first few months when I had them during the day. They were special days but there were odd times for the oldest. I remember he would look off into the distance. He couldn't play by himself the way most children do. He had to have constant attention. It was as if, when he played alone he would think and remember. I remember going into another room and finding him lying on the floor and just staring into space. I'd say "are you okay" and he wouldn't say. He'd just stare into space. I was puzzled at first and then learned that during those times he was thinking about mommy. I asked "are you thinking about mommy?" and he'd nod. So, I'd get her picture out and we'd chat about her. He'd sit on my lap and I'd go over how pretty she was and how she was always smiling. He enjoyed that immensely. He wanted to talk about her. He wanted to remember her. My husband sometimes would think I was being morbid but no. It seemed important to chat about her. The chats were and still are very casual and fun.
I remember times when he would take her picture (we have one that's very special that I keep out and in reach for him) and set it in the middle of the coffee table. Then he would play with his cars and trucks while she sat on the table watching. It was eerie. It gave me shivers and still does. But I let him.
Then there were times, later, when he started "I don't want grandma! Want mommy!" That is when he was first starting to be able to voice his feelings. "DON'T WANT GRANDMA! WANT MOMMY!!!!" oh my gosh. What do you do? Me? I cried inside and out. Then we cried together and I held him. We cried. But it was only once. We never did it again.
Then one night I went to kiss him goodnight and he wanted mommy. So I said "okay, close your eyes and pretend.... and then I'll be mommy. Close your eyes!" and he did. I kissed him and he was happy. That only happened once though. The moment has never been recaptured. We've never done it since.
It seems as if by the age of 3 he's accepted (and it took probably 7-8 months) that she's not coming back.
Anger issues? Yes, I know he has them. We all do. We can't run away from them.
But all in all, he's happy. He smiles and laughs and giggles 85% of the time. At least when he's here. (I started typing 95% but I brought that number down).
The youngest? I think some of us disagree on how to handle him. He likes his 3 B's. His Binky, his Blanket and his Bottle. He gets shuttled from daddy's to MomMom's to my house and has never had a "true" routine since his mommy died. His 3 B's are his routine. At 18 months, my son believes it's time to start weaning him. I oppose this but only mention it here. My son is the decision maker.
But he does good. He really does. He's a scamp, the youngest! He loves to perform! He's, of course, way ahead of the older one at his age because he mimics everything and he's a daredevil!
They are so precious. My daughter in law saved their lives. She literally saved their lives by keeping the perp/creep/monster as far away from them as she could. She laid down her life for them. I really really miss her.
I don't know what to do. I'm that numb.
It's been a bad day. It started off with me messing up all Mark's emails by trying to install a new email program. He couldn't get access to them. And he needs access to them.
Then we received a very cold email from someone in the 9-1-1 industry that just blew my mind. I still don't see how people can't see that we are trying to help the best way we know how. We're not villians. We're concerned citizens. We're not attacking, we're seeking advice and direction. We just want to minimize mistakes and human errors. WE WANT TO HELP.
Then Mark's mom called. His Aunt Wilma is dying. She's older and in her eighties. She's lived a very good life with 5 kids all loving her. It's not unexpected. She's has cancer. But I can't stop crying inside. I was closer to Mark's Aunt Wilma than I've been with my own aunts during my adult years. That's not to say I don't love my own aunts dearly. I grew up spending nights at their houses, swimming in their pools, visiting and shopping. I couldn't have had better aunts growing up. Mark is very close to his aunt. I'm so worried about Mark.
Anyhow, I'm numb. Simply numb.
I can't even pack boxes today. I'm just staring at them.
It's the first day that I thought "if Nathan asks me to pick the children up from daycare, I'm going to tell him I can't do it."
I know it's because we have too much time on our hands. Everyone else has 40 hour work weeks. I have maybe a 10 hour work week. And Mark..... is barely working at all. So, we're the ones immersed in the 9-1-1 stuff. And it's depressing. Losing our house is depressing. Losing Aunt Wilma is depressing. Having to screw around with computers is frustrating.
So, Mark and I drove out to the fishing pier and took a long walk. It was very pleasant and we watched the dolphins.
Anyhow, I don't think I'm in any emotional shape to pick up the grandchildren. Nathan just called and asked me to. I said I would.
I wonder if I should call Sue and ask her to do it. I can't think straight anymore.
Then I think maybe having the babies will be a good thing and get my mind off this stuff. But, heck, I don't want them around my issues. And there's my concern for Mark. Some days he just can't deal with the kids.
sigh
I don't know what to do. If I'm not crying on the outside, I'm crying on the inside.
And now I'm not sure whether to put this post in this blog or the other blog.
In case you're curious. Yes, I need to see my doctor. I haven't seen him in a while. I stopped seeing the therapist even though he was free. I need someone very hardcore to handle my emotional issues. And, he I believe is just the wrong therapist.
We don't have health insurance. Heck, now we don't have a house.
Dang. I'm going to shut up. I'm going to lay down, take two aspirin and repeat over and over in my mind "you are not going crazy. you are not going crazy. you are not going crazy."
I'm going to post this in both blogs and deal with the decision after re-reading this later.
Much love and peace to all.
added edit:
I did end up picking up the kids. And, I'm very glad I did. Their warmth, their smiles etc....... truly lifted my spirits. It's impossible to stay down when they're around.
Then we received a very cold email from someone in the 9-1-1 industry that just blew my mind. I still don't see how people can't see that we are trying to help the best way we know how. We're not villians. We're concerned citizens. We're not attacking, we're seeking advice and direction. We just want to minimize mistakes and human errors. WE WANT TO HELP.
Then Mark's mom called. His Aunt Wilma is dying. She's older and in her eighties. She's lived a very good life with 5 kids all loving her. It's not unexpected. She's has cancer. But I can't stop crying inside. I was closer to Mark's Aunt Wilma than I've been with my own aunts during my adult years. That's not to say I don't love my own aunts dearly. I grew up spending nights at their houses, swimming in their pools, visiting and shopping. I couldn't have had better aunts growing up. Mark is very close to his aunt. I'm so worried about Mark.
Anyhow, I'm numb. Simply numb.
I can't even pack boxes today. I'm just staring at them.
It's the first day that I thought "if Nathan asks me to pick the children up from daycare, I'm going to tell him I can't do it."
I know it's because we have too much time on our hands. Everyone else has 40 hour work weeks. I have maybe a 10 hour work week. And Mark..... is barely working at all. So, we're the ones immersed in the 9-1-1 stuff. And it's depressing. Losing our house is depressing. Losing Aunt Wilma is depressing. Having to screw around with computers is frustrating.
So, Mark and I drove out to the fishing pier and took a long walk. It was very pleasant and we watched the dolphins.
Anyhow, I don't think I'm in any emotional shape to pick up the grandchildren. Nathan just called and asked me to. I said I would.
I wonder if I should call Sue and ask her to do it. I can't think straight anymore.
Then I think maybe having the babies will be a good thing and get my mind off this stuff. But, heck, I don't want them around my issues. And there's my concern for Mark. Some days he just can't deal with the kids.
sigh
I don't know what to do. If I'm not crying on the outside, I'm crying on the inside.
And now I'm not sure whether to put this post in this blog or the other blog.
In case you're curious. Yes, I need to see my doctor. I haven't seen him in a while. I stopped seeing the therapist even though he was free. I need someone very hardcore to handle my emotional issues. And, he I believe is just the wrong therapist.
We don't have health insurance. Heck, now we don't have a house.
Dang. I'm going to shut up. I'm going to lay down, take two aspirin and repeat over and over in my mind "you are not going crazy. you are not going crazy. you are not going crazy."
I'm going to post this in both blogs and deal with the decision after re-reading this later.
Much love and peace to all.
added edit:
I did end up picking up the kids. And, I'm very glad I did. Their warmth, their smiles etc....... truly lifted my spirits. It's impossible to stay down when they're around.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Homicide grief and the macabre
Let me explain one thing. I'm home a lot. My hours have been cut back at both my jobs and I'm down to one day a week at each. The economy is taking it's toll as well as the grief. So, I think a lot. I try hobbies etc... I play the piano... I try to read... go for walks... (I haven't tried exercising and, yes, I know I should) etc.... In any case, I think too much
My mom always said "Don't think too hard, you'll hurt yourself." And it's true.
Anyhow, today I was in contact with my son's lawyer. And I said "I feel as if the monster/creep not only killed (my daughter-in-law) but he killed (my 'old' son) as well. In other words my son is no longer his oldself.
He's still wonderful. He tries so hard to constantly do the right thing. He's strong. He's stepping up and moving on as best he can. He lives with his two children (our grandchildren) and he's trying to be happy. That's the sad part "he's trying to be happy". He'll say things like "(his wife) wants us to be happy. She wouldn't want us to be sad. She was always smiling and she wants us to smile."
Sometimes I'll catch glimpses of his old self. I'll see him smile and laugh and crack a joke. I'll see him be playful but it's with other people. It's rarely with us. Maybe that's us projecting ourselves onto him. I don't know.
I know a part of me died that day. I'm no longer my old self. My husband is no longer his old self.
Do we try? Absolutely!!!!!!!!!
We're moving too. My husband and I are moving. I guess that's weighing on me as well. I hate moving.
Hopefully, the move will be a good thing. (Doubtful because we're talking about moving in with my mother-in-law).
sigh
Just thinking.
Pretty soon I'm going to write about my grandchildren's grief and what they are going through. I think it's important to look at this through their eyes. The oldest (now 3yo) is definitely grieving in little ways. The youngest (18mo) is struggling in little ways. But both are adapting exceptionally well. I'll explain in my next blog, maybe later tonight what I mean by grieving and struggling. All in all, I think they are doing fantastic. We're very blessed. Even just to have them alive! We're blessed. But I notice little issues that may be important to other people.
My son was a preemie. And I remember my doctor saying "children are survivors".
My mom always said "Don't think too hard, you'll hurt yourself." And it's true.
Anyhow, today I was in contact with my son's lawyer. And I said "I feel as if the monster/creep not only killed (my daughter-in-law) but he killed (my 'old' son) as well. In other words my son is no longer his oldself.
He's still wonderful. He tries so hard to constantly do the right thing. He's strong. He's stepping up and moving on as best he can. He lives with his two children (our grandchildren) and he's trying to be happy. That's the sad part "he's trying to be happy". He'll say things like "(his wife) wants us to be happy. She wouldn't want us to be sad. She was always smiling and she wants us to smile."
Sometimes I'll catch glimpses of his old self. I'll see him smile and laugh and crack a joke. I'll see him be playful but it's with other people. It's rarely with us. Maybe that's us projecting ourselves onto him. I don't know.
I know a part of me died that day. I'm no longer my old self. My husband is no longer his old self.
Do we try? Absolutely!!!!!!!!!
We're moving too. My husband and I are moving. I guess that's weighing on me as well. I hate moving.
Hopefully, the move will be a good thing. (Doubtful because we're talking about moving in with my mother-in-law).
sigh
Just thinking.
Pretty soon I'm going to write about my grandchildren's grief and what they are going through. I think it's important to look at this through their eyes. The oldest (now 3yo) is definitely grieving in little ways. The youngest (18mo) is struggling in little ways. But both are adapting exceptionally well. I'll explain in my next blog, maybe later tonight what I mean by grieving and struggling. All in all, I think they are doing fantastic. We're very blessed. Even just to have them alive! We're blessed. But I notice little issues that may be important to other people.
My son was a preemie. And I remember my doctor saying "children are survivors".
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