Thursday, March 12, 2009

Another Parents of Murdered Children Meeting missed

Yes, I missed another one. sigh.

The grandchildren

Since we've been busy moving I haven't had an opportunity to see much of the grandchildren. I'm missing them dearly. I had an opportunity to babysit last night and jumped at it. Then I realized not a minute later I had the meeting. Of course, I opted to see the babies. You can tell it's been a while since I've seen them because Noah was in a fairly nasty mood at first. He always gets that way when he hasn't seen someone in a while. I think it's his way of saying he's mad. As a matter of fact he was so mad I had to settle him down for a time out. He was crying and finally I asked "are you missing mommy?" Which made him start to cry harder but then he started nodding his head and calming down. I, of course, consoled him. It was odd though because usually we'll go get one of her pictures and we'll talk about her. But this time he didn't want anything to do with the pictures and started yelling "NO!" I don't know what that was all about. In any case he did calm down. And we did rock. It's just odd. Usually when we talk about her he smiles.

Today I'm going to pick him up early from daycare and spend some quality time with him going for a walk down by the water and seeing the boats. Maybe I'll even take him to the Indian Mounds park. Adam was fine. He's such a trooper.

I do my best for the babies but I don't know what is right to do and what is wrong. Should I have not asked about "mommy"? Did I put the thought there? I wish I knew. Sadly, there is no right or wrong and there are no rules. Anyhow, we rocked each other and I told him that I missed his mommy too.

the Parents of Murdered Children meeting

Man, was I sorry I missed it. I really wanted to go to this one. I feel like I'm losing friends (well I am) and I wanted to ask about everyone else's experiences without hearing any platitudes such as "well, if they were really your friends in the first place..........." Because many of the friends I've lost really were friends in the first place!

I don't know if it's me or what. I do know that my personality has changed quite dramatically. These are some of my new traits:

I'm abrasive
I'm self-abosorbed
I'm sensitive (I've always been sensitive but now I've taken being sensitive to a new level)

Some people (my old friends) have even called me a drama queen. Wow. Sadly, I think they are right. My whole life is surrounded by drama. But in my defense it isn't drama I'm creating for myself. It's real life, all too true, drama! I don't know what to do. Maybe I shouldn't share it the way I do. It's interesting that some people like me to share it and are genuinely interested while others think it's wrong to air it. While still others say I shouldn't worry about it and should do what's right for me. What is right? It feels right to me to express it but I certainly don't want to be considered a drama queen.

Some people (my old friends) think I've forgotten my old friends. This is true and it's not true. I haven't really forgotten my old friends. I've moved away from them in many ways because of what's going on in my life. I haven't forgotten them. I've just (and maybe this is my offense) taken them for granted and assumed they would always be there understanding that I'm just going through a lot of sh!t.

Some people (my old friends) think I'm ungrateful. And for this I'm truly sorry. Because I'll always be grateful.

I've hurt other people's feelings. I've been accused of things that if I've done them I'm sorry. I apparently express myself very badly. I've lost some of my softness and some of the social skills I used to have. I used to be more tolerant. I'm much less tolerant. I made an attempt to start participating on my favorite on-line forum and completely made a hash of it.

There are old friends that I haven't heard from in months in real life. Actually close to a year. Many I haven't heard from since Denise died. I don't know how to get them back. What's there to say?

I've made many new friends and finally had a day out a couple of weeks ago with a girl friend. It was my first trip out without Mark, Nate or the boys. We went to a ballgame and had a great time! We talked and talked. She's someone I met through the Parent of Murdered Children support group. It seems as if they are the only people who I can relate to. I ran into another member at Wal-Mart the other day and it was great! We talked like old friends. He hadn't been to the last couple of meetings either. You wouldn't believe how good it felt to run into each other. It was like family!

And then other friends have stayed steadfast and true. They seem to understand that I'm truly not quite my old self right now. They also seem to realize that I'm still trying to find myself. And that my being self alsorbed isn't really who I am. One old friend pointed out that I'm not the only one with problems.

I've always tried to be selfless. I've always tried to love and accept just about everyone. Maybe I was naive. At one time someone said my motto was "love the sinner, hate the sin". I don't know.

Some people would even ask "why should I care?"

And here I go again. Talking about myself and running on and on about me. Drama queen.

I'm really just trying to find myself and who I am.

Thanks for listening.


Tammy said...

Drama queen? I don't think so. You're about as far from a drama queen as one can get (and I feel I can say that, having a daughter who IS a drama queen!). You're too tough on yourself. Who you are is a wonderful person who has been put in a horrible situation. And has handled it with grace.

Tracie said...

This is the second time I've read this and I still do not know how to respond. I'll come back when I know what to say. Right now all I can think is Drama Queen- How can you be?? Like Tammy, I know Drama Queens-I work with them every day!!