Friday, July 17, 2009

A child's homicide grief

I write with great hesitation about my grandchildren's grief. It's very personal. I'm not a professional but I thought if I shared some of how our three year old grandson is doing, it might help. Maybe someone has some answers on how to effectively help him. Maybe someone else is seeing the same in another child.

I don't see my grandson nearly as often as I used to. For many months I was seeing him on a daily basis. Now I see him maybe once and if I'm lucky twice a week. And, it's never for any true length of time. I may only see him for an hour or two at a time. We're living with my mother-in-law and she's 80 years old. It's difficult and tiring for her to be around the babies for any length of time. I find this frustrating and difficult. Also, I don't have a car so, it's difficult for me to go over and just be with them. Crap. I'm gonna start crying. Here I'm trying to write about my grandson's grief and I'm feeling sorry for myself, not be able to see him and his brother more. It truly does hurt not being able to see them as much as I'd like. I miss them immensely. I wonder and I imagine especially the 3 year probably misses me just as much. It's very difficult. Our lives are filled with so much trouble and sadness that it's the babies that bring us joy.

Anyhow, lately when I see them the older one seems distant, detached and far away. He's contrary and sullen. He's argumentative. And at other times he just wants to be held. He is talking up a storm when he wants. He talks about death and being dead. He talks about mommy dancing with the other angels. He talks about mommy often, at least with me. I have no way of knowing how often he talks about her with others because no one talks about it!

Then there are other times that he's just a happy little boy having fun.

I don't know. He just turned two when his mommy died. Now he's three and a half.

I just worry. I worry for him and I worry for all of us. I just want to kiss him and make it all better.

We're doing the best we can. My son does wonderfully with them and the best he can. He tries so hard but it's so difficult.

There are no guidelines. No precedents on how to deal with it.

I've looked into PTSD in children and most articles are about child and sexual abuse. There's a group called Parents Of Murdered Children. I guess I should look into a group called Children of Murdered Parents.


I should not be so down. We are truly blessed and have a great support system between church, family and community. I just thought I'd share some of what's going on. If anyone out there knows of a resource that can help please let me know! I realize every child grieves differently. Every murder is different. Every family and every circumstance is different. All we can do is go on and give these small children as much joy as we can without spoiling them too much.

The professionals offer guidance but they don't really get it as far as I can tell. Maybe older children can help that have gone through it. If I find a resource, I'll share it.

1 comment:

Tracie said...

I don't know if this gives you any comfort but I wanted you to know that we recently went through the terrible threes rather than terrible twos. I do hope that is what most of the behaviour is related to. I just want to scoop him up and hold the poor little man forever. Take care xx