Prepared by the Canadian Resource Centre for Victims of Crime
http://www.crcvc.ca/docs/homsurv.pdf
In my humble opinion probably the best thing I've read on homicide grief in a very long time.
Friday, July 17, 2009
A child's homicide grief
I write with great hesitation about my grandchildren's grief. It's very personal. I'm not a professional but I thought if I shared some of how our three year old grandson is doing, it might help. Maybe someone has some answers on how to effectively help him. Maybe someone else is seeing the same in another child.
I don't see my grandson nearly as often as I used to. For many months I was seeing him on a daily basis. Now I see him maybe once and if I'm lucky twice a week. And, it's never for any true length of time. I may only see him for an hour or two at a time. We're living with my mother-in-law and she's 80 years old. It's difficult and tiring for her to be around the babies for any length of time. I find this frustrating and difficult. Also, I don't have a car so, it's difficult for me to go over and just be with them. Crap. I'm gonna start crying. Here I'm trying to write about my grandson's grief and I'm feeling sorry for myself, not be able to see him and his brother more. It truly does hurt not being able to see them as much as I'd like. I miss them immensely. I wonder and I imagine especially the 3 year probably misses me just as much. It's very difficult. Our lives are filled with so much trouble and sadness that it's the babies that bring us joy.
Anyhow, lately when I see them the older one seems distant, detached and far away. He's contrary and sullen. He's argumentative. And at other times he just wants to be held. He is talking up a storm when he wants. He talks about death and being dead. He talks about mommy dancing with the other angels. He talks about mommy often, at least with me. I have no way of knowing how often he talks about her with others because no one talks about it!
Then there are other times that he's just a happy little boy having fun.
I don't know. He just turned two when his mommy died. Now he's three and a half.
I just worry. I worry for him and I worry for all of us. I just want to kiss him and make it all better.
We're doing the best we can. My son does wonderfully with them and the best he can. He tries so hard but it's so difficult.
There are no guidelines. No precedents on how to deal with it.
I've looked into PTSD in children and most articles are about child and sexual abuse. There's a group called Parents Of Murdered Children. I guess I should look into a group called Children of Murdered Parents.
sigh.
I should not be so down. We are truly blessed and have a great support system between church, family and community. I just thought I'd share some of what's going on. If anyone out there knows of a resource that can help please let me know! I realize every child grieves differently. Every murder is different. Every family and every circumstance is different. All we can do is go on and give these small children as much joy as we can without spoiling them too much.
The professionals offer guidance but they don't really get it as far as I can tell. Maybe older children can help that have gone through it. If I find a resource, I'll share it.
I don't see my grandson nearly as often as I used to. For many months I was seeing him on a daily basis. Now I see him maybe once and if I'm lucky twice a week. And, it's never for any true length of time. I may only see him for an hour or two at a time. We're living with my mother-in-law and she's 80 years old. It's difficult and tiring for her to be around the babies for any length of time. I find this frustrating and difficult. Also, I don't have a car so, it's difficult for me to go over and just be with them. Crap. I'm gonna start crying. Here I'm trying to write about my grandson's grief and I'm feeling sorry for myself, not be able to see him and his brother more. It truly does hurt not being able to see them as much as I'd like. I miss them immensely. I wonder and I imagine especially the 3 year probably misses me just as much. It's very difficult. Our lives are filled with so much trouble and sadness that it's the babies that bring us joy.
Anyhow, lately when I see them the older one seems distant, detached and far away. He's contrary and sullen. He's argumentative. And at other times he just wants to be held. He is talking up a storm when he wants. He talks about death and being dead. He talks about mommy dancing with the other angels. He talks about mommy often, at least with me. I have no way of knowing how often he talks about her with others because no one talks about it!
Then there are other times that he's just a happy little boy having fun.
I don't know. He just turned two when his mommy died. Now he's three and a half.
I just worry. I worry for him and I worry for all of us. I just want to kiss him and make it all better.
We're doing the best we can. My son does wonderfully with them and the best he can. He tries so hard but it's so difficult.
There are no guidelines. No precedents on how to deal with it.
I've looked into PTSD in children and most articles are about child and sexual abuse. There's a group called Parents Of Murdered Children. I guess I should look into a group called Children of Murdered Parents.
sigh.
I should not be so down. We are truly blessed and have a great support system between church, family and community. I just thought I'd share some of what's going on. If anyone out there knows of a resource that can help please let me know! I realize every child grieves differently. Every murder is different. Every family and every circumstance is different. All we can do is go on and give these small children as much joy as we can without spoiling them too much.
The professionals offer guidance but they don't really get it as far as I can tell. Maybe older children can help that have gone through it. If I find a resource, I'll share it.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Tsunami
(posted in both blogs)
With the trial looming just ahead I thought I'd share some of my feelings. Jury selection starts August 17th. Already news stories are hitting the papers. Today's news story was actually about Coralrose Fullwood. Somehow our story made it into her story because they are delaying her alleged murderer's trial for our trial. I forget the judge's exact words but they were basically "there's no way in hell we can do both trials at the same time". The other stories are about the prosecution releasing new information to the defense.
Ugh! So once again, we have to see the alleged perpetrator's face on a daily basis.
Anyhow, our family's nerves are all on edge and we're all pretty frazzled.
I posted my hurricane chart in my homicide blog and many homicide survivors and PTSD sufferers have said it mirrors their feelings exactly. You do. You feel as if you are in the eye of a great hurricane with debris just swirling around you. All kinds of extraneous things are flying by. Some of it's good stuff and some of it's ugly stuff. They weave near and far while they are flying by at heavy rates of speed. People and relationships are doing the same thing. Sometimes you're close and at other times you're as far away as the moon. Because you're stuck in the eye and can't get out, you have no control over any of it. You try and reach for the good stuff, the best you can. And it ain't easy.
With the trial looming ahead, I'd like to use another mother nature analogy. Now with the trial just over a month a way, I feel as if a great tsunami is headed our way. We know it. We can't control it and it just keeps coming. Each day as it gets closer, it looms larger and larger in the distance. Nothing we can do about it. No way to stop it. I keep having visions of court TV and those distraught families who sit there and have to endure all the pain of listening to it all. I'm horrified of what I'll find out about what the alleged murderer did to Denise. I really don't know the details. I know it was pretty darn bad. I'm horrified at the thought of my son, sitting there having to see the pictures and the evidence. I'm horrified about sitting in the same room with evil. Breathing the same air.
So as the tsunami looms closer you try to prepare but you know, no matter how much you prepare, nothing can prepare you for the havoc it will wreak in your life. You just wait for the great giant wave to wash over you. You just want to swim through it to the other side where there's calm and peace. Sadly, you're still in the water and to survive you have to swim back to the devastation on the shore and at home. You then have to start picking up the pieces, that is if there are any pieces left. You know that the pieces will be broken. Yes, they can be mended and so you start on that journey of picking up the broken shattered pieces of your family.
That's how I feel. And no matter how much I want to "put it into God's hands" it ain't gonna be good. No matter how much I breathe in and out to calm myself, it's still going to break my heart (as it does everyday) to watch my son suffer.
Dear Denise, I'll be there. Every single day. I miss you more than words in a stupid blog can express.
With the trial looming just ahead I thought I'd share some of my feelings. Jury selection starts August 17th. Already news stories are hitting the papers. Today's news story was actually about Coralrose Fullwood. Somehow our story made it into her story because they are delaying her alleged murderer's trial for our trial. I forget the judge's exact words but they were basically "there's no way in hell we can do both trials at the same time". The other stories are about the prosecution releasing new information to the defense.
Ugh! So once again, we have to see the alleged perpetrator's face on a daily basis.
Anyhow, our family's nerves are all on edge and we're all pretty frazzled.
I posted my hurricane chart in my homicide blog and many homicide survivors and PTSD sufferers have said it mirrors their feelings exactly. You do. You feel as if you are in the eye of a great hurricane with debris just swirling around you. All kinds of extraneous things are flying by. Some of it's good stuff and some of it's ugly stuff. They weave near and far while they are flying by at heavy rates of speed. People and relationships are doing the same thing. Sometimes you're close and at other times you're as far away as the moon. Because you're stuck in the eye and can't get out, you have no control over any of it. You try and reach for the good stuff, the best you can. And it ain't easy.
With the trial looming ahead, I'd like to use another mother nature analogy. Now with the trial just over a month a way, I feel as if a great tsunami is headed our way. We know it. We can't control it and it just keeps coming. Each day as it gets closer, it looms larger and larger in the distance. Nothing we can do about it. No way to stop it. I keep having visions of court TV and those distraught families who sit there and have to endure all the pain of listening to it all. I'm horrified of what I'll find out about what the alleged murderer did to Denise. I really don't know the details. I know it was pretty darn bad. I'm horrified at the thought of my son, sitting there having to see the pictures and the evidence. I'm horrified about sitting in the same room with evil. Breathing the same air.
So as the tsunami looms closer you try to prepare but you know, no matter how much you prepare, nothing can prepare you for the havoc it will wreak in your life. You just wait for the great giant wave to wash over you. You just want to swim through it to the other side where there's calm and peace. Sadly, you're still in the water and to survive you have to swim back to the devastation on the shore and at home. You then have to start picking up the pieces, that is if there are any pieces left. You know that the pieces will be broken. Yes, they can be mended and so you start on that journey of picking up the broken shattered pieces of your family.
That's how I feel. And no matter how much I want to "put it into God's hands" it ain't gonna be good. No matter how much I breathe in and out to calm myself, it's still going to break my heart (as it does everyday) to watch my son suffer.
Dear Denise, I'll be there. Every single day. I miss you more than words in a stupid blog can express.
Friday, June 26, 2009
The upcoming trial
I can't believe it's been almost a month since I've written here. I apologize.
I started to write what was going on in my head to an online forum and just deleted it. They don't have to hear this stuff. Actually you shouldn't have to hear this stuff either. But I have to get it out.
I've been crying on and off all day. It's the upcoming trial and how I dread it. It's my worry for my family. Especially my son and my grandsons.
Ugh! I'm so worried about everybody and everything. Also, I'm scared out of my mind.
What can I say?
It's terrible. To think that other families are going through the same thing is truly appalling. It's just too terrible to imagine.
I started to write what was going on in my head to an online forum and just deleted it. They don't have to hear this stuff. Actually you shouldn't have to hear this stuff either. But I have to get it out.
I've been crying on and off all day. It's the upcoming trial and how I dread it. It's my worry for my family. Especially my son and my grandsons.
Ugh! I'm so worried about everybody and everything. Also, I'm scared out of my mind.
What can I say?
It's terrible. To think that other families are going through the same thing is truly appalling. It's just too terrible to imagine.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Thoughts on the Upcoming Trial
printed in both blogs
Trials. What can I even say. My feelings? My feelings can be pretty much summoned up in one word.
Dread.
There are other feelings but if I were looking for one word to define my feelings, dread would be it.
I simply feel sick about it. Our trial is scheduled to begin August 17th.
If I've been mum for a while it's because there isn't much to say. Other than it's an awful feeling.
Tomorrow people will be celebrating Memorial Day. People will be cooking out and playing horseshoes. We used to do that. I just can't.
Memorial Day is about dead men and women who gave their lives for our country. Now instead of thinking about "cooking out" all I can think about is how people lost loved ones in horrific ways.
I still don't think anyone could die as horrifically as Denise did. But I guess people do.
It's hard not to think about the Jessica Lunsfords and the Carlie Brucias. I simply don't understand how someone can torture and kill (I consider rape a torture worse than waterboarding) such young innocents. It's just beyond understanding.
Okay, so I'm being very morbid on a Sunday morning. Now you know why I haven't written anything in a while. My thoughts are ugly and sad. I'm truly dreading the upcoming trial. I can't help crying thinking about it.
I do have some good moments. Yesterday, we had Adam for some one on one time. He's so precious. Mark's mom expressed regret that Denise was not here to see him grow. Well, I believe she is here and she is watching him grow. What I find sad is that Noah and Adam are missing out on having her here. They never really and never will have an opportunity to know her other than through our memories. They'll never experience her laugh. They'll never experience her joy and tenderness again.
They have been quite simply robbed.
You can see it in Noah's face. He has been especially robbed and he really misses her. He talks about death now around us. He knows now, I believe, that she's not coming back. He's handles it very stoically. And you can see how he's trying to adjust. He has his joyful moments too. And I believe he has more joyful moments than sad. I think now that he knows for sure she's not coming back he's actually doing a bit better. But it's hard for him. He has a million questions. He's only 3.
It makes you wonder if the alleged perpetrator could be put on trial for robbery as well. Because he really did rob us. I mean he ROBBED US. Especially Nathan and the boys.
I'll stop. I'm just not looking forward to the trial and I wanted to jot down why I haven't been writing much.
I really need to get to one of those meetings for Parents of Murdered Children. I think I should try the one in Sarasota. hmmm... we'll see. I'm just sick thinking about it.
I guess we should focus on the positive. The positive being the help and support we want to give to the 9-1-1 industry so that what happened that night with the blown chances of saving Denise in the 9-1-1 center doesn't happen to another family.
Two things could have saved Denise that night. 1.) Certification and standards for the 9-1-1 call taker and dispatchers. They had the training and they had the technology but they weren't using either appropriately. And 2.) cell phone location. Denise made a 9-1-1 call that lasted seven minute and had we been using GPS technology we could have found her.
Would she have been damaged? Yes. But she'd still be with us. I feel unbelievably strong about that.
sigh
Trials. What can I even say. My feelings? My feelings can be pretty much summoned up in one word.
Dread.
There are other feelings but if I were looking for one word to define my feelings, dread would be it.
I simply feel sick about it. Our trial is scheduled to begin August 17th.
If I've been mum for a while it's because there isn't much to say. Other than it's an awful feeling.
Tomorrow people will be celebrating Memorial Day. People will be cooking out and playing horseshoes. We used to do that. I just can't.
Memorial Day is about dead men and women who gave their lives for our country. Now instead of thinking about "cooking out" all I can think about is how people lost loved ones in horrific ways.
I still don't think anyone could die as horrifically as Denise did. But I guess people do.
It's hard not to think about the Jessica Lunsfords and the Carlie Brucias. I simply don't understand how someone can torture and kill (I consider rape a torture worse than waterboarding) such young innocents. It's just beyond understanding.
Okay, so I'm being very morbid on a Sunday morning. Now you know why I haven't written anything in a while. My thoughts are ugly and sad. I'm truly dreading the upcoming trial. I can't help crying thinking about it.
I do have some good moments. Yesterday, we had Adam for some one on one time. He's so precious. Mark's mom expressed regret that Denise was not here to see him grow. Well, I believe she is here and she is watching him grow. What I find sad is that Noah and Adam are missing out on having her here. They never really and never will have an opportunity to know her other than through our memories. They'll never experience her laugh. They'll never experience her joy and tenderness again.
They have been quite simply robbed.
You can see it in Noah's face. He has been especially robbed and he really misses her. He talks about death now around us. He knows now, I believe, that she's not coming back. He's handles it very stoically. And you can see how he's trying to adjust. He has his joyful moments too. And I believe he has more joyful moments than sad. I think now that he knows for sure she's not coming back he's actually doing a bit better. But it's hard for him. He has a million questions. He's only 3.
It makes you wonder if the alleged perpetrator could be put on trial for robbery as well. Because he really did rob us. I mean he ROBBED US. Especially Nathan and the boys.
I'll stop. I'm just not looking forward to the trial and I wanted to jot down why I haven't been writing much.
I really need to get to one of those meetings for Parents of Murdered Children. I think I should try the one in Sarasota. hmmm... we'll see. I'm just sick thinking about it.
I guess we should focus on the positive. The positive being the help and support we want to give to the 9-1-1 industry so that what happened that night with the blown chances of saving Denise in the 9-1-1 center doesn't happen to another family.
Two things could have saved Denise that night. 1.) Certification and standards for the 9-1-1 call taker and dispatchers. They had the training and they had the technology but they weren't using either appropriately. And 2.) cell phone location. Denise made a 9-1-1 call that lasted seven minute and had we been using GPS technology we could have found her.
Would she have been damaged? Yes. But she'd still be with us. I feel unbelievably strong about that.
sigh
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
It's been a couple weeks since my last blog
Why? Lots happening I guess. A lot of good is happening. And I'd like to share some of the good. Are we still heartbroken, sad and lost without Denise. Yeah. It's doubtful that will ever go away. And we have the trial coming up.
But on to the good things.
I met an Iraqi war veteran named Pete. Pete is 26 years old and lost his leg due to a roadside bombing. I sat next to him on the plane to Las Vegas and we talked for 5 hours about Post Traumatic Stress. What a gift that flight was. I think Denise's tragedy helped put things in perspective for him and talking about his tragedy helped put things in perspective for me. Dear Pete, if you ever read this, I hope you remember me. I'll always remember you. It's interesting. Pete's PTSD is not too different from our PTSD. Pete and I had true AHA! moments on the plane. We kept saying to each other "yep! that's how I feel!" It's what we do about it that makes a different. I added a quote to the right of this blog to remind me what true courage is. Pete has it. And I hope I do too.
But on to the good things.
I met an Iraqi war veteran named Pete. Pete is 26 years old and lost his leg due to a roadside bombing. I sat next to him on the plane to Las Vegas and we talked for 5 hours about Post Traumatic Stress. What a gift that flight was. I think Denise's tragedy helped put things in perspective for him and talking about his tragedy helped put things in perspective for me. Dear Pete, if you ever read this, I hope you remember me. I'll always remember you. It's interesting. Pete's PTSD is not too different from our PTSD. Pete and I had true AHA! moments on the plane. We kept saying to each other "yep! that's how I feel!" It's what we do about it that makes a different. I added a quote to the right of this blog to remind me what true courage is. Pete has it. And I hope I do too.
I also met some very very wonderfully good people while out in Las Vegas. All fighting to keep 9-1-1 standards high. All fighting to keep crime from happening. All fighting to save lives. All fighting and have been for decades to see tragedies like Denise's debacle in the Florida 9-1-1 center that night from happening again. People are going to be abducted. People are going to be murdered but if we can prevent and minimize the tragedies through efficient 9-1-1 protocols and policies throughout the nation then....... well. I don't know what then. Then I may get some rest at night.
Another good thing is I'm starting to become more aware again of the world swirling around me. I'm able to ask other people "how are you?" not just to be polite, but out of true concern. I'm able to listen and dissect their answers. I always try to ask. I'm always concerned. But I don't always comprehend what they've been telling me. That's a big step for me.
I still feel as if I have ADD/ADHD. My attention span is still very short. I still have trouble reading thick books. But at least I can hold a conversation. Most of the conversations are still filled with all this 9-1-1 stuff and probably will for a long time. This fight for Denise......... It's almost like a gift to her. A repayment. It sounds crazy and it's hard to explain. I'm not explaining it very well but we owe her so much. She saved our grandbabies. She gave us our grandbabies. She didn't deserve to die. She laid down her life so that our grandbabies could live. She was so brave. She didn't deserve to be murdered. And she didn't deserve the poor policies and practices at the local 9-1-1 center. The 9-1-1 center has an excellent training program. And it's using good technologies. But they allowed their call takers and dispatchers to not have to use their training and they didn't use the technologies that were available to them.
Oh now I've gotten off track. This was supposed to be a positive post.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
An emotional couple of days
I haven't blogged about my emotions lately. I've been bloggin 9-1-1 and cookbook stuff because it helps to be doing something positive and the cookbook stuff has been keeping me busy. But the emotional roller coaster continues to run.
Next week members of the foundation (including moi) are going to Las Vegas for the NAED (National Academies of Emergency Dispatch) conference. I have mixed emotions about it. I believe I should be excited about going to Las Vegas. Who doesn't get excited about Vegas? Well.... I'm not all that excited. I take that back. I am and I'm not. I am excited because it will give me an opportunity to meet 9-1-1 industry people. When Mark and Nate came home from San Diego they said it was the most incredible experience (other than getting married and having children) they ever had. That the encouragement and the support for our cause and for them was phenomenal. They said the people were just wonderful. It made them feel good. I so want to feel good. Suddenly all we are doing was making sense and we felt we were being heard. So, there are many people think it would be good for me to meet some of these same people and experience the same positive energy. More importantly I'm to man the booth. Which I'm good at and have lots of experience doing.
I'm not looking forward to it because I don't want to be that person people feel sorry for. I'm afraid that I might break down and share my grief too much. I'm afraid of telling Denise's story over and over again. I'm sure I can. I'm sure I just have the jitters but as I've said before, it's not easy getting out there and putting your pain on display.
I'm worried about parties etc.... I don't want to go to parties. Yes, I want to meet people and network to promote our cause. Yes, I want to laugh. I like to laugh. Yes, I want to go to dinner. But I don't think I can actually party. We'll see.
Aside to Kevin: If you're reading this, dinner is on! You've been so incredibly supportive.
I'm just sharing my thoughts. I'm not sure how I feel.
But I think it's an important trip and the right thing to do. I'm primarily going to work the booth at the convention. I've been working boothes at conventions and home shows for years. I'm good at it. I know Denise's story and 9-1-1 debacle in her case inside and out. I feel very comfortable about doing it. It'll be nice discussing it with people who actually know what I'm talking about. It'll be wonderful to hear their thoughts as to what can be done, what we should do, and where we should go from here.
But I know it's going to take a lot of emotional energy.
Today
Today wasn't a good day for me. We're shipping a lot of stuff out to the conference center before we go. We have a very large picture of Denise. It's this picture about 35" W x 25" H
Above is a picture from the newspaper early in 2008. I had to drive by it twice today to get Tammy's workplace. Since this picture was taken many more bears have been added and many many more flowers. It was hard for me to see. I don't go near that area unless I absolutely have toand today I had to. I avoid it like the plague. Anyhow, seeing it was almost unbearable. Why? Because it was dirty and dingy. The bears were filthy with highway grit and dust (it's very close to I-75). I thought, oh my! So I went to the local dollar store to get some silk flowers (the closest Michael's is a half hour away) but they were closed due to the economy. That's what their sign said. So I went to the Publix. They didn't have any silk flowers. And there I was in a quandary and almost breaking into tears as to what to do. It seemed silly, a woman in the middle of a grocery store getting ready to cry. I know this sounds pathetic but the feelings were very genuine. What do you do? So, I bought some real daisies and drove back to the sign. I cleaned away as much debris as I could and all the dead flowers. I was in tears. I had to fight the "compulsion" to get a sponge and start cleaning the bears and faded ribbons. I wanted to brighten it up and make it cheery. The bears up close didn't look as bad as they do far away. You could see they had been placed there with love.
I don't know whether we should take it all down or leave it up. I think it should stay. But it has to be kept nice! By the time I left it, I was a wreck. When I get back from the conference I plan on going back with very bright silk flowers. I can't clean the bears but I can spruce them up some.
Anyhow, I cried all the way home (half an hour drive). I felt people were looking at me. There I was in the car with Denise's lifesize picture sitting next to me. I could've turned the picture over so I wouldn't have to see it. That would've kept me from reaching out to her. But that not right!!! It's all still that painful. Then I have the bumper sticker so I felt I was being stared at. I know there are people out there who thinking we should just "get over it".
So many people want me to read "The Shack" by William P Young. It's a Christian book about a man's whose daughter was abducted and brutally murdered in a shack. Four years later he receives a note supposedly from God that tells him to visit the shack. Sorry but I can't read that! I don't want to read about someone being abducted and brutally murdered. I don't care if they do find God in the end. (I haven't lost God. I'm just mad at him.)
Besides, I'm sorry but I think it's going to take longer than 4 years to get over this!
The good thing about the book is that it helps people better understand what we're going through as far as grief and anger. It doesn't help them necessarily understand our relationships (or at least my relationship) with God. That's a personal journey and everyone's is different.
Our foundation
Our foundation isn't going to stop people from being murdered. The murderer killed Denise. He's evil. But if we don't do all we can to help prevent further mishaps in 9-1-1 centers which will help prevent other families from suffering the way we and other families such as the Perez's and the Johnson's and the Cantrell's and the Zimmerman's and the Koon's etc...etc...etc... I just think we'd be doing a great wrong.
Sorry to go on.
Yesterday
Yesterday was even more emotional. Sue was in an accident with the babies. All are fine. It wasn't Sue's fault. Some maniac pulled out in front of her and could've killed the boys. We were all shaken up. Just the thought of losing the boys was terrifying. And I mean terrifying. Poor poor Sue. I can't imagine what she felt. Thank God, she was smart. She saved the boys lives. And Denise and whoever up above were watching out for them. I know the other families know what I mean. I mean it was terrifying thinking we could've lost those boys.
Oddly, Sue tried to call 9-1-1 from her cell phone but the call seemed to keep dropping. (We're pretty close to the water). They had to go in and call from a local business. She doesn't know why her call wouldn't go through.
Again, sorry to go on.
Much love and peace. We're all fine.
I've printed this in both blogs because I don't know if it's about grief or 9-1-1. I'm that muddled.
Next week members of the foundation (including moi) are going to Las Vegas for the NAED (National Academies of Emergency Dispatch) conference. I have mixed emotions about it. I believe I should be excited about going to Las Vegas. Who doesn't get excited about Vegas? Well.... I'm not all that excited. I take that back. I am and I'm not. I am excited because it will give me an opportunity to meet 9-1-1 industry people. When Mark and Nate came home from San Diego they said it was the most incredible experience (other than getting married and having children) they ever had. That the encouragement and the support for our cause and for them was phenomenal. They said the people were just wonderful. It made them feel good. I so want to feel good. Suddenly all we are doing was making sense and we felt we were being heard. So, there are many people think it would be good for me to meet some of these same people and experience the same positive energy. More importantly I'm to man the booth. Which I'm good at and have lots of experience doing.
I'm not looking forward to it because I don't want to be that person people feel sorry for. I'm afraid that I might break down and share my grief too much. I'm afraid of telling Denise's story over and over again. I'm sure I can. I'm sure I just have the jitters but as I've said before, it's not easy getting out there and putting your pain on display.
I'm worried about parties etc.... I don't want to go to parties. Yes, I want to meet people and network to promote our cause. Yes, I want to laugh. I like to laugh. Yes, I want to go to dinner. But I don't think I can actually party. We'll see.
Aside to Kevin: If you're reading this, dinner is on! You've been so incredibly supportive.
I'm just sharing my thoughts. I'm not sure how I feel.
But I think it's an important trip and the right thing to do. I'm primarily going to work the booth at the convention. I've been working boothes at conventions and home shows for years. I'm good at it. I know Denise's story and 9-1-1 debacle in her case inside and out. I feel very comfortable about doing it. It'll be nice discussing it with people who actually know what I'm talking about. It'll be wonderful to hear their thoughts as to what can be done, what we should do, and where we should go from here.
But I know it's going to take a lot of emotional energy.
Today
Today wasn't a good day for me. We're shipping a lot of stuff out to the conference center before we go. We have a very large picture of Denise. It's this picture about 35" W x 25" H
The picture is almost life size. As I was driving, I had the picture in the front seat and I couldn't help touching her face. It brought back memories of when we used to go places with the kids (doctors etc...). It was hard driving and holding back tears.
Then I stopped at one of the foundation member's workplaces to ship the stuff. The foundation member (a true angel in blue) works less than a 1/4 mile from where Denise's body was found. At the entrance to the street where Denise's body was found the road is closed but there's teddy bears, flowers, ribbons etc.... on one of the road signs.
Above is a picture from the newspaper early in 2008. I had to drive by it twice today to get Tammy's workplace. Since this picture was taken many more bears have been added and many many more flowers. It was hard for me to see. I don't go near that area unless I absolutely have toand today I had to. I avoid it like the plague. Anyhow, seeing it was almost unbearable. Why? Because it was dirty and dingy. The bears were filthy with highway grit and dust (it's very close to I-75). I thought, oh my! So I went to the local dollar store to get some silk flowers (the closest Michael's is a half hour away) but they were closed due to the economy. That's what their sign said. So I went to the Publix. They didn't have any silk flowers. And there I was in a quandary and almost breaking into tears as to what to do. It seemed silly, a woman in the middle of a grocery store getting ready to cry. I know this sounds pathetic but the feelings were very genuine. What do you do? So, I bought some real daisies and drove back to the sign. I cleaned away as much debris as I could and all the dead flowers. I was in tears. I had to fight the "compulsion" to get a sponge and start cleaning the bears and faded ribbons. I wanted to brighten it up and make it cheery. The bears up close didn't look as bad as they do far away. You could see they had been placed there with love.I don't know whether we should take it all down or leave it up. I think it should stay. But it has to be kept nice! By the time I left it, I was a wreck. When I get back from the conference I plan on going back with very bright silk flowers. I can't clean the bears but I can spruce them up some.
Anyhow, I cried all the way home (half an hour drive). I felt people were looking at me. There I was in the car with Denise's lifesize picture sitting next to me. I could've turned the picture over so I wouldn't have to see it. That would've kept me from reaching out to her. But that not right!!! It's all still that painful. Then I have the bumper sticker so I felt I was being stared at. I know there are people out there who thinking we should just "get over it".
So many people want me to read "The Shack" by William P Young. It's a Christian book about a man's whose daughter was abducted and brutally murdered in a shack. Four years later he receives a note supposedly from God that tells him to visit the shack. Sorry but I can't read that! I don't want to read about someone being abducted and brutally murdered. I don't care if they do find God in the end. (I haven't lost God. I'm just mad at him.)
Besides, I'm sorry but I think it's going to take longer than 4 years to get over this!
The good thing about the book is that it helps people better understand what we're going through as far as grief and anger. It doesn't help them necessarily understand our relationships (or at least my relationship) with God. That's a personal journey and everyone's is different.
Our foundation
Our foundation isn't going to stop people from being murdered. The murderer killed Denise. He's evil. But if we don't do all we can to help prevent further mishaps in 9-1-1 centers which will help prevent other families from suffering the way we and other families such as the Perez's and the Johnson's and the Cantrell's and the Zimmerman's and the Koon's etc...etc...etc... I just think we'd be doing a great wrong.
Sorry to go on.
Yesterday
Yesterday was even more emotional. Sue was in an accident with the babies. All are fine. It wasn't Sue's fault. Some maniac pulled out in front of her and could've killed the boys. We were all shaken up. Just the thought of losing the boys was terrifying. And I mean terrifying. Poor poor Sue. I can't imagine what she felt. Thank God, she was smart. She saved the boys lives. And Denise and whoever up above were watching out for them. I know the other families know what I mean. I mean it was terrifying thinking we could've lost those boys.
Oddly, Sue tried to call 9-1-1 from her cell phone but the call seemed to keep dropping. (We're pretty close to the water). They had to go in and call from a local business. She doesn't know why her call wouldn't go through.
Again, sorry to go on.
Much love and peace. We're all fine.
I've printed this in both blogs because I don't know if it's about grief or 9-1-1. I'm that muddled.
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