A child's homicide grief

I write with great hesitation about my grandchildren's grief. It's very personal. I'm not a professional but I thought if I shared some of how our three year old grandson is doing, it might help. Maybe someone has some answers on how to effectively help him. Maybe someone else is seeing the same in another child.

I don't see my grandson nearly as often as I used to. For many months I was seeing him on a daily basis. Now I see him maybe once and if I'm lucky twice a week. And, it's never for any true length of time. I may only see him for an hour or two at a time. We're living with my mother-in-law and she's 80 years old. It's difficult and tiring for her to be around the babies for any length of time. I find this frustrating and difficult. Also, I don't have a car so, it's difficult for me to go over and just be with them. Crap. I'm gonna start crying. Here I'm trying to write about my grandson's grief and I'm feeling sorry for myself, not be able to see him and his brother more. It truly does hurt not being able to see them as much as I'd like. I miss them immensely. I wonder and I imagine especially the 3 year probably misses me just as much. It's very difficult. Our lives are filled with so much trouble and sadness that it's the babies that bring us joy.

Anyhow, lately when I see them the older one seems distant, detached and far away. He's contrary and sullen. He's argumentative. And at other times he just wants to be held. He is talking up a storm when he wants. He talks about death and being dead. He talks about mommy dancing with the other angels. He talks about mommy often, at least with me. I have no way of knowing how often he talks about her with others because no one talks about it!

Then there are other times that he's just a happy little boy having fun.

I don't know. He just turned two when his mommy died. Now he's three and a half.

I just worry. I worry for him and I worry for all of us. I just want to kiss him and make it all better.

We're doing the best we can. My son does wonderfully with them and the best he can. He tries so hard but it's so difficult.

There are no guidelines. No precedents on how to deal with it.

I've looked into PTSD in children and most articles are about child and sexual abuse. There's a group called Parents Of Murdered Children. I guess I should look into a group called Children of Murdered Parents.

sigh.

I should not be so down. We are truly blessed and have a great support system between church, family and community. I just thought I'd share some of what's going on. If anyone out there knows of a resource that can help please let me know! I realize every child grieves differently. Every murder is different. Every family and every circumstance is different. All we can do is go on and give these small children as much joy as we can without spoiling them too much.

The professionals offer guidance but they don't really get it as far as I can tell. Maybe older children can help that have gone through it. If I find a resource, I'll share it.

A Day with the Babies! (now toddlers)

I originally posted this in the other blog but thought it may help here!

My day with Noah and Adam

What a nice day!It was so good to see both of them for some quality time. Now that we're feeling more settled in the house it was easier for me and for them to relax. I picked them up early from daycare. The first thing we did was come back to the house and walk down to the water. I'll have to look for some pics to post but we're living directly on Lemon Bay. And it's beautiful:o) We sat on the bench and simply watched the boats. The boys were a bit mischievous and were wanting to dangle their feet over the seawall but I wasn't at all comfortable with that. But we ran around the grass and played tag. We watched birds and Noah saw two dolphins.

Then we came back to the house and they were thrilled! I was worried because yesterday didn't go so well....Adam picked out a chair as if he was an explorer and staking a claim. If he had a flag I'm sure he would've planted it in the chair. He's like that. He has his spot. No one else is allowed in it. He'll be playing with a truck having a good time but stop immediately if he sees you sitting in his spot! He gets quite indignant and upset.

Noah kept saying things like "Grandma! you brought our blocks!" then "Grandma, you brought our train!" then "Grandma, you brought our ambulance!" then "Grandma, you brought our movies!" I replied with "of course!"

Then I said to Noah "I even brought mommy's picture!" I hadn't unpacked it yet so we went to the box and we unwrapped and unpacked all Denise's picture. He was thrilled! He held it very delicately. I said "she was so pretty!" and he said "Yeah!" I allowed him to pick the place for the special one we always kept at eye level. Adam later accidently knocked it over and Noah jumped up and instead of scolding Adam, he said "I'll fix it" and gingerly placed it back where it needed to be.

Then we took another walk down to see the boats and sit on the bench.

It was truly a precious time. I was so thrilled to see them happy. Adam is usually always happy unless he's not feeling well. But, Noah is moody. Today was a good mood.

Later I took them over to MomMom. It was a very good day:o)

Another Parents of Murdered Children Meeting missed

Yes, I missed another one. sigh.

The grandchildren

Since we've been busy moving I haven't had an opportunity to see much of the grandchildren. I'm missing them dearly. I had an opportunity to babysit last night and jumped at it. Then I realized not a minute later I had the meeting. Of course, I opted to see the babies. You can tell it's been a while since I've seen them because Noah was in a fairly nasty mood at first. He always gets that way when he hasn't seen someone in a while. I think it's his way of saying he's mad. As a matter of fact he was so mad I had to settle him down for a time out. He was crying and finally I asked "are you missing mommy?" Which made him start to cry harder but then he started nodding his head and calming down. I, of course, consoled him. It was odd though because usually we'll go get one of her pictures and we'll talk about her. But this time he didn't want anything to do with the pictures and started yelling "NO!" I don't know what that was all about. In any case he did calm down. And we did rock. It's just odd. Usually when we talk about her he smiles.

Today I'm going to pick him up early from daycare and spend some quality time with him going for a walk down by the water and seeing the boats. Maybe I'll even take him to the Indian Mounds park. Adam was fine. He's such a trooper.

I do my best for the babies but I don't know what is right to do and what is wrong. Should I have not asked about "mommy"? Did I put the thought there? I wish I knew. Sadly, there is no right or wrong and there are no rules. Anyhow, we rocked each other and I told him that I missed his mommy too.

the Parents of Murdered Children meeting

Man, was I sorry I missed it. I really wanted to go to this one. I feel like I'm losing friends (well I am) and I wanted to ask about everyone else's experiences without hearing any platitudes such as "well, if they were really your friends in the first place..........." Because many of the friends I've lost really were friends in the first place!

I don't know if it's me or what. I do know that my personality has changed quite dramatically. These are some of my new traits:

I'm abrasive
I'm self-abosorbed
I'm sensitive (I've always been sensitive but now I've taken being sensitive to a new level)

Some people (my old friends) have even called me a drama queen. Wow. Sadly, I think they are right. My whole life is surrounded by drama. But in my defense it isn't drama I'm creating for myself. It's real life, all too true, drama! I don't know what to do. Maybe I shouldn't share it the way I do. It's interesting that some people like me to share it and are genuinely interested while others think it's wrong to air it. While still others say I shouldn't worry about it and should do what's right for me. What is right? It feels right to me to express it but I certainly don't want to be considered a drama queen.

Some people (my old friends) think I've forgotten my old friends. This is true and it's not true. I haven't really forgotten my old friends. I've moved away from them in many ways because of what's going on in my life. I haven't forgotten them. I've just (and maybe this is my offense) taken them for granted and assumed they would always be there understanding that I'm just going through a lot of sh!t.

Some people (my old friends) think I'm ungrateful. And for this I'm truly sorry. Because I'll always be grateful.

I've hurt other people's feelings. I've been accused of things that if I've done them I'm sorry. I apparently express myself very badly. I've lost some of my softness and some of the social skills I used to have. I used to be more tolerant. I'm much less tolerant. I made an attempt to start participating on my favorite on-line forum and completely made a hash of it.

There are old friends that I haven't heard from in months in real life. Actually close to a year. Many I haven't heard from since Denise died. I don't know how to get them back. What's there to say?

I've made many new friends and finally had a day out a couple of weeks ago with a girl friend. It was my first trip out without Mark, Nate or the boys. We went to a ballgame and had a great time! We talked and talked. She's someone I met through the Parent of Murdered Children support group. It seems as if they are the only people who I can relate to. I ran into another member at Wal-Mart the other day and it was great! We talked like old friends. He hadn't been to the last couple of meetings either. You wouldn't believe how good it felt to run into each other. It was like family!

And then other friends have stayed steadfast and true. They seem to understand that I'm truly not quite my old self right now. They also seem to realize that I'm still trying to find myself. And that my being self alsorbed isn't really who I am. One old friend pointed out that I'm not the only one with problems.

I've always tried to be selfless. I've always tried to love and accept just about everyone. Maybe I was naive. At one time someone said my motto was "love the sinner, hate the sin". I don't know.

Some people would even ask "why should I care?"

And here I go again. Talking about myself and running on and on about me. Drama queen.

I'm really just trying to find myself and who I am.

Thanks for listening.

The grandchildren's grief

I hesitate to blog about this simply because I'm no expert. So what I'll share is my experiences with the children but I'll not give advice. I have none to give.

I say "my experiences" with the children because I believe they experience and react differently with different people. I believe they may react different with their MomMom (their other grandmother) than with me. She has a grace about her and a quietness. I'm a little louder and more talkative. Just as my relationships with my grandmothers were different, I believe their relationship with each of us are different. One's not better than the other they are simply different. IMO the roles of both sets of grandparents is to give the grandchildren the best of both worlds.

In the beginning I believe MomMom and I were both very worried. I was worried because my son moved in with her and the babies grandpa directly after my daughter in law died. They needed to be near the children and my son needed to be near them. Living in their home brought him closer to our daughter in law. So, it worked out for all of them. My husband and I felt almost stranded. Here I was my son's mom, and it didnt seem as if he needed me. His life was shattered and destroyed but I was "it seemed" not needed. I was so afraid of losing him and the babies. I felt alone and isolated.

I remember having a strong desire that lasted a very long time of wanting to hold my son and rock him gently back and forth. I wanted to desperately take his pain away. I learned then, that as a grown man, my son didn't necessarily need me holding him. And he certainly didn't need me hovering. I made a vow then that I would do my best to not meddle in his life and to have complete faith in him. I still do my best to hold on to that vow. The desire to rock him and hold him has never really gone away. I guess all mom's feel that. I can't imagine what MomMom is feeling.

I'm sure MomMom was worried too. It was her daughter who was lost. I can only imagine her thought pattern. But I believe she would've thought that possibly my son would come running to our side of the family when ever he needed someone. And that her role would dwindle in time. Who knows, my son may remarry someday.... etc.... the thoughts race. Who knows what the future brings? It sux having to think about it. Rightfully, the daughter should be there. It's unnatural that she's not. Anger again.

Fortunately, for her and me, we are both kind, loving, caring and compassionate individuals. I think we instinctively knew and know each other's fears. And we've done our best, without really saying so, to share willingly and lovingly.

Throughout this past year we've worked together in every way possible. I feel blessed that she's their MomMom. We're both very different. She's quiet. I'm more outgoing. But we're both the same in the way we love these babies and want the best for them.

That helps. A great deal. If I was to give advice that's what it would be. Be good to the in-laws and GET ALONG! It's so important for the children.

Our two grandbabies have been shuffled around quite a bit.

In the beginning my son lived with both boys at the in-laws. (He's since moved out). Then the in-laws went back to work and so did my son. I didn't go back right away. I stayed home with the boys. So, that worked out. I stayed with the boys during the day and then my son and the in-laws had them at night. We didn't feel comfortable putting them in daycare right away because when my daughter in law died she was a stay at home mom. So, we tried to respect that.

Eventually though, we felt it was time they went into daycare. I had to start working as much as I could and the boys needed it. Especially the older one. We started the older one first and eased the younger one in.

I should tell you that when my daughter in law died the oldest had just turned 2. And the youngest had just turned 6 months. They are exactly 18 months apart.

At the time of her death neither child could talk. The eldest was saying one word phrases but that was it. The only words he had put together were "bye bye big truck". My daughter in law was constantly working with him. But he digressed in some ways. She had almost had him potty trained and well........ it's over a year later and we're still potty training him. That's because we basically stopped because of the stress and didn't start again until a couple of months ago. I think the potty training brings back memories for him. I think he's fighting it for her. I don't know.

We do our best to keep her memory alive in both of them. The youngest does recognize her picture and can point and say "mommy" but he doesn't have any memory. I know I talk about her with the oldest quite often. I'll tell him he reminds me of his mommy especially when he's happy and silly.

I remember those first few months when I had them during the day. They were special days but there were odd times for the oldest. I remember he would look off into the distance. He couldn't play by himself the way most children do. He had to have constant attention. It was as if, when he played alone he would think and remember. I remember going into another room and finding him lying on the floor and just staring into space. I'd say "are you okay" and he wouldn't say. He'd just stare into space. I was puzzled at first and then learned that during those times he was thinking about mommy. I asked "are you thinking about mommy?" and he'd nod. So, I'd get her picture out and we'd chat about her. He'd sit on my lap and I'd go over how pretty she was and how she was always smiling. He enjoyed that immensely. He wanted to talk about her. He wanted to remember her. My husband sometimes would think I was being morbid but no. It seemed important to chat about her. The chats were and still are very casual and fun.

I remember times when he would take her picture (we have one that's very special that I keep out and in reach for him) and set it in the middle of the coffee table. Then he would play with his cars and trucks while she sat on the table watching. It was eerie. It gave me shivers and still does. But I let him.

Then there were times, later, when he started "I don't want grandma! Want mommy!" That is when he was first starting to be able to voice his feelings. "DON'T WANT GRANDMA! WANT MOMMY!!!!" oh my gosh. What do you do? Me? I cried inside and out. Then we cried together and I held him. We cried. But it was only once. We never did it again.

Then one night I went to kiss him goodnight and he wanted mommy. So I said "okay, close your eyes and pretend.... and then I'll be mommy. Close your eyes!" and he did. I kissed him and he was happy. That only happened once though. The moment has never been recaptured. We've never done it since.

It seems as if by the age of 3 he's accepted (and it took probably 7-8 months) that she's not coming back.

Anger issues? Yes, I know he has them. We all do. We can't run away from them.

But all in all, he's happy. He smiles and laughs and giggles 85% of the time. At least when he's here. (I started typing 95% but I brought that number down).

The youngest? I think some of us disagree on how to handle him. He likes his 3 B's. His Binky, his Blanket and his Bottle. He gets shuttled from daddy's to MomMom's to my house and has never had a "true" routine since his mommy died. His 3 B's are his routine. At 18 months, my son believes it's time to start weaning him. I oppose this but only mention it here. My son is the decision maker.

But he does good. He really does. He's a scamp, the youngest! He loves to perform! He's, of course, way ahead of the older one at his age because he mimics everything and he's a daredevil!

They are so precious. My daughter in law saved their lives. She literally saved their lives by keeping the perp/creep/monster as far away from them as she could. She laid down her life for them. I really really miss her.

Homicide grief and the macabre

Let me explain one thing. I'm home a lot. My hours have been cut back at both my jobs and I'm down to one day a week at each. The economy is taking it's toll as well as the grief. So, I think a lot. I try hobbies etc... I play the piano... I try to read... go for walks... (I haven't tried exercising and, yes, I know I should) etc.... In any case, I think too much

My mom always said "Don't think too hard, you'll hurt yourself." And it's true.

Anyhow, today I was in contact with my son's lawyer. And I said "I feel as if the monster/creep not only killed (my daughter-in-law) but he killed (my 'old' son) as well. In other words my son is no longer his oldself.

He's still wonderful. He tries so hard to constantly do the right thing. He's strong. He's stepping up and moving on as best he can. He lives with his two children (our grandchildren) and he's trying to be happy. That's the sad part "he's trying to be happy". He'll say things like "(his wife) wants us to be happy. She wouldn't want us to be sad. She was always smiling and she wants us to smile."

Sometimes I'll catch glimpses of his old self. I'll see him smile and laugh and crack a joke. I'll see him be playful but it's with other people. It's rarely with us. Maybe that's us projecting ourselves onto him. I don't know.

I know a part of me died that day. I'm no longer my old self. My husband is no longer his old self.

Do we try? Absolutely!!!!!!!!!

We're moving too. My husband and I are moving. I guess that's weighing on me as well. I hate moving.

Hopefully, the move will be a good thing. (Doubtful because we're talking about moving in with my mother-in-law).

sigh

Just thinking.

Pretty soon I'm going to write about my grandchildren's grief and what they are going through. I think it's important to look at this through their eyes. The oldest (now 3yo) is definitely grieving in little ways. The youngest (18mo) is struggling in little ways. But both are adapting exceptionally well. I'll explain in my next blog, maybe later tonight what I mean by grieving and struggling. All in all, I think they are doing fantastic. We're very blessed. Even just to have them alive! We're blessed. But I notice little issues that may be important to other people.

My son was a preemie. And I remember my doctor saying "children are survivors".