Sometimes.........

Nothing, not words, not drawings, nothing can describe homicide grief.

We have Denise's picture displayed prominently on one of our side tables. It's placed there to be eye level for the two babies. It's a beautiful picture. Possibly one of her best. Denise was amazingly photogenic. Just beautiful. Inside and out.

Sometimes I look at her picture and just start crying. I don't know why. Other times, I'm fine. It's odd. Sometimes I look at her picture and I start to visualize her in the room. Most of the time when I visualize her she's carrying Adam, our youngest grandchild. I'll hear her voice answering me when I ask "how are you, sweetie?"

Sometimes the grief overwhelms me.

Me. Her mother in law.

I can't imagine how her own mother handles it.

Homicide grief. It's like no other.

A Rant: Little Haleigh Cummings and her family

Apparently there's a lot of speculation going around about this family. The poor beleaguered dad is almost on trial. The poor beleaguered mom isn't helping the situation.

I hope and pray for this young child's sake that this family does all it can to stay together and represent a united front.

By infighting and pointing fingers of past offenses they are only making their suffering worse.

I wish somehow, someone would get this message across to them. .

Geraldo Rivera was issued a no trespassing warrant because he brought up some disgusting stuff with some terribly foul questions. He had the cruelty to pose those questions to the distraught father. That's just wrong. The father hasn't been indicted on any charges and to ask him questions about abuse during his marriage while his little girl is lost well...... Having a bad marriage doesn't make you a murderer. And the mom lost custody. She must've lost custody for a reason. To say there's some bitterness there would probably be an understatement.

This family needs to rise above their petty squabbling and stand together. If and when Haleigh comes back she's going to need BOTH her parents.

Maybe people like Geraldo don't think they are being cruel. Maybe they believe they have the right of free speech to ask any question they'd like.

Well, I submit to you that maybe they do have that right. But it doesn't make the right thing to do.

If these people had just an inkling of the pain that this family is going through they'd shut their foul mouths and wait for the police to do their jobs. They'd stop pointing fingers. They'd help the police. They'd help the family.

I imagine the Cummings family has friends who are helping them. I hope they have a community that is supporting them.

I'm telling you that when someone in your family goes missing, you can't handle any more pain.

Gosh, I'd wish they'd find this poor little girl.

Again, what has the world come to? Why are people hurting our kids? What is it in Florida? Is it Florida? Or is it everywhere and we just get all the bad pub?

Pilar Rodriguez, Carlie Brucia, Jessica Lunsford, Coral Rose Fullwood, Trenton Duckett, Caylee Anthony, Haleigh Cummings.......... And those just off the top of my head.

In more than one of the cases above the public scrutinized the families horribly and were wrong.

Let's look at these cases.

Pilar is still unsolved. They think she was abducted by her babysitter.

Carlie Brucia was abducted by a stranger and murdered. Her mother was pretty much and still is on trial by the community. Last tihing I heard she was drugged out and possibly a hooker or maybe it was a stripper. Who knows if that's correct? Bottom line is the child was taken by a stranger!

Jessica Lunsofrd was abducted by a stranger and murdered. Her dad was suspect in the beginning. Everyone was sure he did it or that the grandparents had been neglectful. People still mention the dad and saying he should'nt have gone out on a date that night and he should've been home. Sheesh.

Coral Rose Fullwood was abducted and murdered by a stranger. Possibly more than one. Immediately the family was put on trial. Reports of child abuse and neglect. The children were taken away from the parents. There were reports of human feces on the walls of their home. The father had child porn on his computer. But! Bottom line it's a stranger who's awaiting trial in jail. No connection to the Fullwood's has been proved.

Trenton Duckett remains unsolved. Her mom was blamed by the public and the press. She was never arrested. But, she committed suicide after Nancy Grace went after her. Trenton is still missing. Gee. So, losing a child and having to deal with the predators of the press can lead to suicide. Who knows? Maybe she was guilty of something. Sadly, because of the press, we'll never know. The police were unable to do their jobs.

Caylee Anthony. Who knows? I can't even begin to write about her case. But the mom's in jail. It took them a long time to get her in jail but she's there. Who knows what went on with the grandparents? Has the press distorted the facts or are the grandparents as whacked out as we've been led to believe?

Which leads us to Haleigh Cummings. And WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! IMO it's best to let the police do their jobs. The family IMO should shut up to the press, cooperate with police and stay united. These reports about them pointing fingers and mentioning past transgressions is not good for them and it's not good for Haleigh.

God give them strength and courage. They have a long road ahead of them no matter what's found out.

I continue to keep the entire family (both sides) in my prayers.

added edit: I really need to send a thank you to the press who have handled our case. You truly on the most part have shown compassion towards us and you have helped us. Thank you for that.

Missing children and homicide grief

Many years ago, when I was a young mom, my mother-in-law made a comment that startled me. My oldest son was probably around 4 years old. She said "you better protect him" "there are crazy men out there that prey on young boys" etc........

I have to say I was pretty darned shocked. I guess I had grown up fairly sheltered. I grew up inside the Baltimore beltway less than a mile from the Baltimore City line. I didn't think I was sheltered but, yes, I was.

In any case, I thought my mother in law was being just a bit paranoid. I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined someone taking my child to satisfy their perverse needs. It seemed ludicrous. We were getting ready to move to the country and we were going to be isolated. My husband and I were looking forward to the peace and quiet. We were looking forward to the isolation.

Twenty years later my son and daughter in law moved to an isolated spot. They weren't moving very far away but the house was isolated. My mother in law was worried about Denise being out there alone all by herself with the two boys. In the same way she worried about me with my two boys twenty years before.

Again, I thought she was being just a bit paranoid.

Of course, we know what happened. A year after moving in Denise was taken from her home and separated from her babies in broad daylight. She was subsequently brutally raped and then murdered less than 5 miles from her house. The babies were left stranded in a crib. Denise, beautiful sweet baby at the age of 21, killed. Just like that. Gone. Snuffed out. Disposed of as if she was disposable. Not!

Our lives will never be the same.

Wow. Was I naive.

And all these missing children. I can't imagine the pain young parents must feel. The anger.

I never thought about missing children much. I figured they were usually taken by disgruntled spouses. And, I guess the majority of them are. Still.... what did I know?

And, wow. Was I naive.

Two stories over the years before Denise went missing moved me. Pilar Rodriguez and Shawn Hornbeck's stories for some reason.

Pilar mostly because we had just moved to Florida when she went missing and I felt at the time the police weren't doing all they could to find her. I thought it was because she was Hispanic. I could've been wrong. I hardly remember the details. I just remember the thought. I could've been way off.

Shawn Hornbeck because somehow he survived. His story is one of such hope.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm writing it for those readers that haven't gone through such a crisis. Protect your kids. Don't be paranoid but do be smart. It could happen to anybody.

I worry sometimes that my grandchildren will be kidnapped.

I wonder if I'm being paranoid.

I don't know. I answered the door the other day to strangers. They ended up being Jehovah's Witnesses. I thought afterward, "gee, maybe I shouldn't have answered the door." Was Denise taken simply because she answered a door? We don't know how he got in. We know the windows were open. Does that mean I have to lock my windows all the time?

What an insane world. It's really messed up. The questions why? why? why? I don't think I'll ever get past asking why. I know there are no answers.

I best stop thinking about it. I hope they find little Haleigh Cummings soon.

Sorry. Once again I'm crying on the inside not only for Denise and my family but for the Cummings family, for the Rodriguez's, the Lunsfords...... I cry for them all.

What's going on? What's wrong with us? These children (and I lump Denise in there at the age of 21) are our future?

Parents of Murdered Children

Last night I missed another Parents of Murdered Children meeting. I was going fairly regularly to these meetings and find them very beneficial. It's difficult to express how I feel about the other people in the support group. All are families who have lost someone close to them to homicide.

It's the one place where we can go and not feel uncomfortable talking about our grief. It's difficult talking about homicide grief. It's rare, at least in my family, that we talk about it amongst family and friends. Why? You'd think we'd want to talk about it. Well, for us it's because we don't want to cause our loved ones anymore pain than they are already feeling. Let's say one of us is having an okay day, maybe even a good day. Who would want to spoil that day by bringing up our own grief? It's just going to bring them down. It's not going to lift us up by sharing it. Also, once we start talking about it, instead of grief coming out, we all start getting angry. And anger is a major part of the grief. We're not angry at each other, we're angry at the situation. We feel cheated.

And then when we do see people that we haven't seen for a long time... I don't know. They start asking questions and we don't mind answering them. They want to know. They're interested. They care. But after a while of talking about it.... I just get ill. I don't know about other people.

At the POMC meetings the others don't look at you cross eyed when you start talking about that anger. They "get it". They feel the same anger. They don't mention the cliches. If you start blubbering, they know just what to say. And sometimes it's nothing. Some of the people there have been there for years. They are especially helpful because they can give at least a little direction if not much. We are all so different. But there's hope in seeing them there. I feel a sense of comfort having them there. Seeing that they are still sane and haven't gone bonkers. These people aren't going to say "don't dwell on it" "you have to move on" "think of the positives" "God has his reasons" "think of the grandchildren" etc....

That's a rich one. "Think of the grandchildren". As if we don't think of the grandchildren!

I just erased a whole paragraph. I was going to share some of the stories from other families but I had to remind myself they are not my stories to share.

All the stories are tragic. All the stories are heartbreaking. All the stories make you want to cry.

Anyhow, they meet on Wednesday nights. Unfortunately, Wednesdays are Nathan's days off. So, a lot of the foundation business is usually planned for Wednesdays. Last night I missed the meeting because Nathan was practicing his CalNENA keynote address. I wanted to hear it. I could've made the decision to go to the POMC meeting but I opted to listen to Nathan. It's a 45 minute speech and it will address some 600 people.

I missed the last meeting because Nathan had a foundation meeting. I could've opted for the POMC meeting but it's rare I get to go to foundation meetings. I'm usually watching the babies. So, I opted for Nathan's meeting.

I just got word this morning that the SW Florida POMC is going to have 2 meetings a month. One in Punta Gorda and the other in Fort Myers. So, hopefully I'll be able to attend one or the other.

I missed December's meeting. I forget why. I missed November's meeting (it was my birthday). I may even have missed October's meeting! I can't even remember. But, it's been months.

Book Review "Peace Is Every Step"

Seems silly to be doing a book review when I haven't even finished reading the book.

But, I have to tell you, this book is perfect in it's simplicity.

Homicide grief for me has been very complicated. I've suffered from depression in the past and it's been difficult for me to tell the difference between clinical depression and homicide grief.

And it makes you wonder how to treat it or if treatment is necessary. Personally, I've shied away from anti-depressants throughout all this. I'm not saying that's right or wrong. There is no right or wrong. We're all different and what benefits me may not benefit you and vice versa.

Be that as it may I've shied away from meds. I've been on them before and they messed me up.

Therefore, I've been looking for alternatives ways to feel better. As I mentioned in my last post, I've shied away from my bike and just look at it with a big yawn. I don't exercise the way I should and my diet is terrible.

I've got to do something. Anyhow, a friend living in Chicago sent me this book "Peace Is Every Step". (He also sent a DVD of Artur Rubinstein playing in Moscow, 1964. Bliss!)

Anyhow, the Rubinstein was a great gift but the book is perfect. I can utilize what the book is teaching me anywhere at anytime. I'm thinking if I practice it enough it will surely help me when it comes time for the trial.

I've only gotten through the first few chapters. I can't seem to get any farther I'm enjoying the beginning chapters too much. It's a very thin book and therefore non intimidating. (I don't have the attention span since the murder for thick books). The chapters are barely 2 pages long. It was written by a Vietnamese monk and he teaches how not to over think. He says thinking is good but too much thinking can be unhealthy. Something I've been saying since my daughter in law died. He teaches (at least in the first few chapters) how to breath and how to smile. If we concentrate on those two simple things, we'll think less often and it'll be easier to relax and "enjoy the moment".

Homicide's create chaos for all involved. I don't think a person can go through anything more chaotic and unbearable than homicide grief. It affects the entire family in different ways. It creates dysfunction throughout the family and among friends. I've often described my feelings as the Bermuda Triangle of feelings. If we are what we think, than there's nothing worse than homicide grief. Maybe suicide grief. I don't know. That would be terrible. The loss of a child. Terrible. The loss of two children playing in a trunk (which happened near here recently) has to be unbearable.

In all these heartbreaking scenarios, simplicity seems to be a start to an answer in healing. At least it is for me now after more than a year of this madness. And it is madness.

Health is a serious issue

It's been just over a year since we lost our daughter-in-law.

And in all my reading I've read several times that health can become an issue when experiencing homicide grief. This is soooo true, at least, it's become an issue for me.

It didn't start out as an issue. I was fairly healthy when we lost my daughter in law last January. But, I've since gained at least 25 pounds. I've also lost 4 pairs of eyeglasses and if I don't get to the dentist soon, I could lose a couple of teeth. All within one year. I missed two mammograms, I mentioned those earlier. I very rarely exercise anymore. I just look at my bike and yawn.

Why? You wonder why. I've never been one to let myself go. I've always taken pride in myself. Now? heh.

I figure I'm getting plenty of exercise chasing babies!

In any case, tomorrow I'm setting up a dentist and an eye doctor appointment. I just have to do it. I've been to my other doctor and he seems to think I'm fine otherwise. The weight he said not to worry about. But! I don't want to get any bigger!!!!

I hate to buy another pair of eyeglasses but if I want to drive at night I just have to have them.

We had to exchange cars with my son tonight and I had to drive his pickup. The glare was downright scary. I don't like driving trucks anyway. It would be different if it were a clutch and we lived out in the country with hills and open road. Around here, it's a pain in the butt.

Anyhow, why do I post this? Just as as reminder to take care of yourself. Ignoring ourselves apparently really does catch up with us. It's catching up with me now. I'm downright embarrassed about going to see the dentist. And he's such a nice dentist too.

All my doctors are nice. I don't know why I don't want to see them more often.

From GriefWorks/ Suggestions for survivors of murder

Even after a year I'm still finding new things that help. Sometimes I wonder what I'm searching for when looking at this stuff. Whether it's answers to why she was murdered or whether it's answers to are we every going to heal.

Our family is so full of dysfunction. The adjustments are constant and we're continually switching roles. I thank God that we were a close family to begin with because if we hadn't been, we'd certainly be tested now. As it is, everyone is stressed and strained.

This is what I found from GriefWorks:

suggestions for survivors of murder Someone you love has been murdered. Your whole world has been thrown into chaos and uncertainty. You feel vulnerable. Over time and with the help of other supportive people, you will get through this terrible time.

Some of the following suggestions may be helpful:

- Know you can survive. You may not think so, but you can;

- Struggle with why it happened until you no longer need to know why or until you are satisfied with partial answers;

- Know you may be overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings but all your feelings are a natural reaction to what has happened;

- Anger, guilt, confusion, forgetfulness are common responses;

- You are not crazy - you are in mourning;

- Be aware you may feel anger at the murderer, the person who died, the world, at God, at yourself. It's okay to express it;

- You may feel guilty for what you think you did or did not do to maybe prevent it;

- Guilt can turn into regret through forgiveness;

- Having suicidal thoughts is common. It does not mean that you will act on those thoughts. Find a good listener with whom to share;

- Call someone if you need to talk;

- Don't be afraid to cry. Tears are healing;

- Give yourself time to heal;

- If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may only be experiencing a remnant of grief, an unfinished piece. Grieving is like a roller coaster ride;

- Try to put off major decisions;

- Give yourself permission to get professional help;

- Be aware of the pain of your family and friends;

- Be patient with yourself and others who may not understand;

- Set your own limits and learn to say 'no' when someone asks something of you that you are not up to doing;

- Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel;

- Know that there are support groups that can be helpful;

- Call on your personal faith to help you through;

- Know it is common to experience physical reactions to your grief eg. headache, loss of appetite, inability to sleep, irritability or restlessness;

- Have the willingness to laugh with others or at yourself;

- Wear out your questions, anger, guilt or other feelings until you can let them go;

- Letting go doesn't mean forgetting;

and

- Know that you will never be the same again, but you can survive and even go beyond just surviving.

Copyright 2002 Griefworks BC

Access Griefwork's excellent archive of articles on grief now!

Link: http://www.thisisawar.com/GriefMurder.htm