Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I don't know what to do. I'm that numb.

It's been a bad day. It started off with me messing up all Mark's emails by trying to install a new email program. He couldn't get access to them. And he needs access to them.

Then we received a very cold email from someone in the 9-1-1 industry that just blew my mind. I still don't see how people can't see that we are trying to help the best way we know how. We're not villians. We're concerned citizens. We're not attacking, we're seeking advice and direction. We just want to minimize mistakes and human errors. WE WANT TO HELP.

Then Mark's mom called. His Aunt Wilma is dying. She's older and in her eighties. She's lived a very good life with 5 kids all loving her. It's not unexpected. She's has cancer. But I can't stop crying inside. I was closer to Mark's Aunt Wilma than I've been with my own aunts during my adult years. That's not to say I don't love my own aunts dearly. I grew up spending nights at their houses, swimming in their pools, visiting and shopping. I couldn't have had better aunts growing up. Mark is very close to his aunt. I'm so worried about Mark.

Anyhow, I'm numb. Simply numb.

I can't even pack boxes today. I'm just staring at them.

It's the first day that I thought "if Nathan asks me to pick the children up from daycare, I'm going to tell him I can't do it."

I know it's because we have too much time on our hands. Everyone else has 40 hour work weeks. I have maybe a 10 hour work week. And Mark..... is barely working at all. So, we're the ones immersed in the 9-1-1 stuff. And it's depressing. Losing our house is depressing. Losing Aunt Wilma is depressing. Having to screw around with computers is frustrating.

So, Mark and I drove out to the fishing pier and took a long walk. It was very pleasant and we watched the dolphins.

Anyhow, I don't think I'm in any emotional shape to pick up the grandchildren. Nathan just called and asked me to. I said I would.

I wonder if I should call Sue and ask her to do it. I can't think straight anymore.

Then I think maybe having the babies will be a good thing and get my mind off this stuff. But, heck, I don't want them around my issues. And there's my concern for Mark. Some days he just can't deal with the kids.


I don't know what to do. If I'm not crying on the outside, I'm crying on the inside.

And now I'm not sure whether to put this post in this blog or the other blog.

In case you're curious. Yes, I need to see my doctor. I haven't seen him in a while. I stopped seeing the therapist even though he was free. I need someone very hardcore to handle my emotional issues. And, he I believe is just the wrong therapist.

We don't have health insurance. Heck, now we don't have a house.

Dang. I'm going to shut up. I'm going to lay down, take two aspirin and repeat over and over in my mind "you are not going crazy. you are not going crazy. you are not going crazy."

I'm going to post this in both blogs and deal with the decision after re-reading this later.

Much love and peace to all.

added edit:

I did end up picking up the kids. And, I'm very glad I did. Their warmth, their smiles etc....... truly lifted my spirits. It's impossible to stay down when they're around.

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