Homicide grief and the macabre

Let me explain one thing. I'm home a lot. My hours have been cut back at both my jobs and I'm down to one day a week at each. The economy is taking it's toll as well as the grief. So, I think a lot. I try hobbies etc... I play the piano... I try to read... go for walks... (I haven't tried exercising and, yes, I know I should) etc.... In any case, I think too much

My mom always said "Don't think too hard, you'll hurt yourself." And it's true.

Anyhow, today I was in contact with my son's lawyer. And I said "I feel as if the monster/creep not only killed (my daughter-in-law) but he killed (my 'old' son) as well. In other words my son is no longer his oldself.

He's still wonderful. He tries so hard to constantly do the right thing. He's strong. He's stepping up and moving on as best he can. He lives with his two children (our grandchildren) and he's trying to be happy. That's the sad part "he's trying to be happy". He'll say things like "(his wife) wants us to be happy. She wouldn't want us to be sad. She was always smiling and she wants us to smile."

Sometimes I'll catch glimpses of his old self. I'll see him smile and laugh and crack a joke. I'll see him be playful but it's with other people. It's rarely with us. Maybe that's us projecting ourselves onto him. I don't know.

I know a part of me died that day. I'm no longer my old self. My husband is no longer his old self.

Do we try? Absolutely!!!!!!!!!

We're moving too. My husband and I are moving. I guess that's weighing on me as well. I hate moving.

Hopefully, the move will be a good thing. (Doubtful because we're talking about moving in with my mother-in-law).

sigh

Just thinking.

Pretty soon I'm going to write about my grandchildren's grief and what they are going through. I think it's important to look at this through their eyes. The oldest (now 3yo) is definitely grieving in little ways. The youngest (18mo) is struggling in little ways. But both are adapting exceptionally well. I'll explain in my next blog, maybe later tonight what I mean by grieving and struggling. All in all, I think they are doing fantastic. We're very blessed. Even just to have them alive! We're blessed. But I notice little issues that may be important to other people.

My son was a preemie. And I remember my doctor saying "children are survivors".