Homicide grief and an Introduction

Let me start at the beginning. We lost our daughter-in-law to a horrific murder last January 2008. She was kidnapped in broad daylight from her own home by a total stranger/creep. She did all she could to save our two grandchildren who were only babies at the time. She left them in the same crib, closed all the windows and locked the doors so they couldn't get out. Sadly, she had to leave them alone to get the creep as far a way from them as possible.

Apparently her abductor took her to his home and brutally raped her. From what I was told "he did everything to her you can think of other than mutilate her.

He later shot her in the head and threw her in a shallow grave.

We're fortunate that he is behind bars and our state is seeking the death penalty in the trial which should start late summer of 2009.

I remain anonymous because many of you who are experiencing what we're experiencing realize there's a lot of anger involved with homicide grief. We have major dysfunction in our family right now and who wants to bring more grief to their own family when they are already suffering so much.

I had started another blog a couple of months ago but with legal issues, and the stress it was causing other family members, I decided to stop it. I'm not sure if I was hurting anything legally. I only stated what was already in public record and of course my own opinions. But I worry about hurting the case. As far as family members go, I worry that I was adding more stress to them than they already have. Gosh, we already have enough stress going on. I certainly don't want anyone adding any more to mine. My husband and son, never really read the blog. For them it was too painful, I guess. But they were always worried that I was blogging about something that maybe they thought I shouldn't be. That's one thing about homicide grief! You become paranoid about what you can say and what you can't for more reasons than one.

I display a lot of anger when I blog. And I think the anger caused them great concern. It really shouldn't have. They are just as angry. My son even more angry. They just express it differently.

Anyhow, I thought that if I started this thing anonymously, I could say whatever I wanted.

I'm no expert on homicide grief. I'm not a doctor and I don't hold a college degree. I'm a high school graduate and that's about it. I've worked retail my entire life. Right now, I hold down two jobs, just barely. That's another problem all together. I'm fortunate I even have those jobs. I work in a cosmetics store, one day a week and I absolutely love it, except since the horrific event, I'm not nearly as good at it as I used to be. I find it difficult sometimes to be as creative. I'm getting better though. Also, my attention span is shot. I also work in a bookstore but can't run the cash register anymore. I just become unnerved and downright frazzled. I can do customer service okay but the cash register just frightens me. This is highly unusual and has to do with the homicide grief totally.

I have problems at home too. I thought they would go away but they haven't. My house is filthy. Piles are everywhere. I'll start on a pile and then lose interest. Vacuuming? huh! It doesn't happen. Lately I haven't even been scrubbing the kitchen floors. I used to keep them spotless because one of the grandchildren was still just crawling. Well, now that he's no longer crawling, I rarely scrub the kitchen floor. Homicide grief.

Other issues? Oh my they are countless. I can't remember names and faces. I've missed two mammogram appointments in a row. Totally just missed them. Forgot to go to them! Yes, they are posted on my refrigerator but somehow I missed them. I have no idea how.

I'm not sure but I think I was supposed to work at the bookstore last Saturday and I didn't show up. I was thinking Sunday evening about how I had to work the next day and thought "was I supposed to work yesterday?" When I got to work the following day they had already posted the new schedules. I asked everyone but no one (or maybe they did but were being kind) seemed to know and just laughed it off.

Everyone has been so very very kind. Truly kind. Employers, strangers, neighbors, family, old friends, new friends, gosh.

We've seen evil enter our lives. But we've seen so much love and compassion. Seeing so much love and compassion it's a wonder we're all still so angry. I wonder about that. Is evil that strong? I mean really. One man committed an unspeakably evil act. One man! And thousands have shown compassion and caring. Yet, we're still angry.

Homicide grief is truly unimaginable if you haven't experienced it. I find it very interesting that no matter how often we try to explain it, we never seem to do it justice.

One important thing that I feel I should disclose. Our experience with homicide grief is a tad different than most experiences. Our case has received all kinds of media attention. Also, our community stepped up and raised an unbelievable sum of money for my son and his two boys. College funds were opened for the boys. A Foundation has been started using a big part of those funds raised to help other homicide survivors and victim's related to 9-1-1 mishaps. Countless fundraisers were held from car washes to golf tournaments. A bill was named for my daughter-in-law and my son has been on countless national TV shows fighting for 9-1-1 reform.

Anyhow, the outpouring of support has been phenomenal.

We're striving to give some of that back. I want so much to help other families that are going through similar tragedies. When this first happened I thought "gosh, the community saw a good family and stepped up for us". But now! Now, after having attended so many Parents of Murdered Children meetings and meeting other families of victim's of violence, I realize this happens to good families all the time. ALL THE TIME! And they haven't gotten and don't get a portion of the support we've gotten. I worry and wonder about that. It's not fair.

But it's a burden too. It's hard to explain. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to crawl in a corner and just cry, help my son raise his children, and craw into a cave hiding from the world. And other times I realize, no. You can't do that. Because I know it's not fair we've received support and other families have been ignored. Literally ignored. It's not right.

So with this blog I hope to share a bit of my soul and the soul of my family so that other people who may be experiencing the loss of a precious loved on through homicide will know that they are not going crazy. It's the situation that's crazy. Not you.