Wow. Such a difference this week from last. The boys are doing pretty darn good. I do worry so for Noah. But as Tracie and Jeanie both said, we just need to give them lots of love. Noah this week was talking up a storm and he's more of his old self. He still talks about Denise quite often and keeps mentioning our old house (we recently moved). It's all about adjusting.
I'm very proud of Nathan. He's doing really well with the children and doing his best now to be independent and handle most things on his own. That's good and the babies need that.
You go, Nate! You're a great dad:o)
Friday, July 24, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
Homicide Survivors ~ Dealing with Grief
Prepared by the Canadian Resource Centre for Victims of Crime
http://www.crcvc.ca/docs/homsurv.pdf
In my humble opinion probably the best thing I've read on homicide grief in a very long time.
http://www.crcvc.ca/docs/homsurv.pdf
In my humble opinion probably the best thing I've read on homicide grief in a very long time.
A child's homicide grief
I write with great hesitation about my grandchildren's grief. It's very personal. I'm not a professional but I thought if I shared some of how our three year old grandson is doing, it might help. Maybe someone has some answers on how to effectively help him. Maybe someone else is seeing the same in another child.
I don't see my grandson nearly as often as I used to. For many months I was seeing him on a daily basis. Now I see him maybe once and if I'm lucky twice a week. And, it's never for any true length of time. I may only see him for an hour or two at a time. We're living with my mother-in-law and she's 80 years old. It's difficult and tiring for her to be around the babies for any length of time. I find this frustrating and difficult. Also, I don't have a car so, it's difficult for me to go over and just be with them. Crap. I'm gonna start crying. Here I'm trying to write about my grandson's grief and I'm feeling sorry for myself, not be able to see him and his brother more. It truly does hurt not being able to see them as much as I'd like. I miss them immensely. I wonder and I imagine especially the 3 year probably misses me just as much. It's very difficult. Our lives are filled with so much trouble and sadness that it's the babies that bring us joy.
Anyhow, lately when I see them the older one seems distant, detached and far away. He's contrary and sullen. He's argumentative. And at other times he just wants to be held. He is talking up a storm when he wants. He talks about death and being dead. He talks about mommy dancing with the other angels. He talks about mommy often, at least with me. I have no way of knowing how often he talks about her with others because no one talks about it!
Then there are other times that he's just a happy little boy having fun.
I don't know. He just turned two when his mommy died. Now he's three and a half.
I just worry. I worry for him and I worry for all of us. I just want to kiss him and make it all better.
We're doing the best we can. My son does wonderfully with them and the best he can. He tries so hard but it's so difficult.
There are no guidelines. No precedents on how to deal with it.
I've looked into PTSD in children and most articles are about child and sexual abuse. There's a group called Parents Of Murdered Children. I guess I should look into a group called Children of Murdered Parents.
sigh.
I should not be so down. We are truly blessed and have a great support system between church, family and community. I just thought I'd share some of what's going on. If anyone out there knows of a resource that can help please let me know! I realize every child grieves differently. Every murder is different. Every family and every circumstance is different. All we can do is go on and give these small children as much joy as we can without spoiling them too much.
The professionals offer guidance but they don't really get it as far as I can tell. Maybe older children can help that have gone through it. If I find a resource, I'll share it.
I don't see my grandson nearly as often as I used to. For many months I was seeing him on a daily basis. Now I see him maybe once and if I'm lucky twice a week. And, it's never for any true length of time. I may only see him for an hour or two at a time. We're living with my mother-in-law and she's 80 years old. It's difficult and tiring for her to be around the babies for any length of time. I find this frustrating and difficult. Also, I don't have a car so, it's difficult for me to go over and just be with them. Crap. I'm gonna start crying. Here I'm trying to write about my grandson's grief and I'm feeling sorry for myself, not be able to see him and his brother more. It truly does hurt not being able to see them as much as I'd like. I miss them immensely. I wonder and I imagine especially the 3 year probably misses me just as much. It's very difficult. Our lives are filled with so much trouble and sadness that it's the babies that bring us joy.
Anyhow, lately when I see them the older one seems distant, detached and far away. He's contrary and sullen. He's argumentative. And at other times he just wants to be held. He is talking up a storm when he wants. He talks about death and being dead. He talks about mommy dancing with the other angels. He talks about mommy often, at least with me. I have no way of knowing how often he talks about her with others because no one talks about it!
Then there are other times that he's just a happy little boy having fun.
I don't know. He just turned two when his mommy died. Now he's three and a half.
I just worry. I worry for him and I worry for all of us. I just want to kiss him and make it all better.
We're doing the best we can. My son does wonderfully with them and the best he can. He tries so hard but it's so difficult.
There are no guidelines. No precedents on how to deal with it.
I've looked into PTSD in children and most articles are about child and sexual abuse. There's a group called Parents Of Murdered Children. I guess I should look into a group called Children of Murdered Parents.
sigh.
I should not be so down. We are truly blessed and have a great support system between church, family and community. I just thought I'd share some of what's going on. If anyone out there knows of a resource that can help please let me know! I realize every child grieves differently. Every murder is different. Every family and every circumstance is different. All we can do is go on and give these small children as much joy as we can without spoiling them too much.
The professionals offer guidance but they don't really get it as far as I can tell. Maybe older children can help that have gone through it. If I find a resource, I'll share it.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Tsunami
(posted in both blogs)
With the trial looming just ahead I thought I'd share some of my feelings. Jury selection starts August 17th. Already news stories are hitting the papers. Today's news story was actually about Coralrose Fullwood. Somehow our story made it into her story because they are delaying her alleged murderer's trial for our trial. I forget the judge's exact words but they were basically "there's no way in hell we can do both trials at the same time". The other stories are about the prosecution releasing new information to the defense.
Ugh! So once again, we have to see the alleged perpetrator's face on a daily basis.
Anyhow, our family's nerves are all on edge and we're all pretty frazzled.
I posted my hurricane chart in my homicide blog and many homicide survivors and PTSD sufferers have said it mirrors their feelings exactly. You do. You feel as if you are in the eye of a great hurricane with debris just swirling around you. All kinds of extraneous things are flying by. Some of it's good stuff and some of it's ugly stuff. They weave near and far while they are flying by at heavy rates of speed. People and relationships are doing the same thing. Sometimes you're close and at other times you're as far away as the moon. Because you're stuck in the eye and can't get out, you have no control over any of it. You try and reach for the good stuff, the best you can. And it ain't easy.
With the trial looming ahead, I'd like to use another mother nature analogy. Now with the trial just over a month a way, I feel as if a great tsunami is headed our way. We know it. We can't control it and it just keeps coming. Each day as it gets closer, it looms larger and larger in the distance. Nothing we can do about it. No way to stop it. I keep having visions of court TV and those distraught families who sit there and have to endure all the pain of listening to it all. I'm horrified of what I'll find out about what the alleged murderer did to Denise. I really don't know the details. I know it was pretty darn bad. I'm horrified at the thought of my son, sitting there having to see the pictures and the evidence. I'm horrified about sitting in the same room with evil. Breathing the same air.
So as the tsunami looms closer you try to prepare but you know, no matter how much you prepare, nothing can prepare you for the havoc it will wreak in your life. You just wait for the great giant wave to wash over you. You just want to swim through it to the other side where there's calm and peace. Sadly, you're still in the water and to survive you have to swim back to the devastation on the shore and at home. You then have to start picking up the pieces, that is if there are any pieces left. You know that the pieces will be broken. Yes, they can be mended and so you start on that journey of picking up the broken shattered pieces of your family.
That's how I feel. And no matter how much I want to "put it into God's hands" it ain't gonna be good. No matter how much I breathe in and out to calm myself, it's still going to break my heart (as it does everyday) to watch my son suffer.
Dear Denise, I'll be there. Every single day. I miss you more than words in a stupid blog can express.
With the trial looming just ahead I thought I'd share some of my feelings. Jury selection starts August 17th. Already news stories are hitting the papers. Today's news story was actually about Coralrose Fullwood. Somehow our story made it into her story because they are delaying her alleged murderer's trial for our trial. I forget the judge's exact words but they were basically "there's no way in hell we can do both trials at the same time". The other stories are about the prosecution releasing new information to the defense.
Ugh! So once again, we have to see the alleged perpetrator's face on a daily basis.
Anyhow, our family's nerves are all on edge and we're all pretty frazzled.
I posted my hurricane chart in my homicide blog and many homicide survivors and PTSD sufferers have said it mirrors their feelings exactly. You do. You feel as if you are in the eye of a great hurricane with debris just swirling around you. All kinds of extraneous things are flying by. Some of it's good stuff and some of it's ugly stuff. They weave near and far while they are flying by at heavy rates of speed. People and relationships are doing the same thing. Sometimes you're close and at other times you're as far away as the moon. Because you're stuck in the eye and can't get out, you have no control over any of it. You try and reach for the good stuff, the best you can. And it ain't easy.
With the trial looming ahead, I'd like to use another mother nature analogy. Now with the trial just over a month a way, I feel as if a great tsunami is headed our way. We know it. We can't control it and it just keeps coming. Each day as it gets closer, it looms larger and larger in the distance. Nothing we can do about it. No way to stop it. I keep having visions of court TV and those distraught families who sit there and have to endure all the pain of listening to it all. I'm horrified of what I'll find out about what the alleged murderer did to Denise. I really don't know the details. I know it was pretty darn bad. I'm horrified at the thought of my son, sitting there having to see the pictures and the evidence. I'm horrified about sitting in the same room with evil. Breathing the same air.
So as the tsunami looms closer you try to prepare but you know, no matter how much you prepare, nothing can prepare you for the havoc it will wreak in your life. You just wait for the great giant wave to wash over you. You just want to swim through it to the other side where there's calm and peace. Sadly, you're still in the water and to survive you have to swim back to the devastation on the shore and at home. You then have to start picking up the pieces, that is if there are any pieces left. You know that the pieces will be broken. Yes, they can be mended and so you start on that journey of picking up the broken shattered pieces of your family.
That's how I feel. And no matter how much I want to "put it into God's hands" it ain't gonna be good. No matter how much I breathe in and out to calm myself, it's still going to break my heart (as it does everyday) to watch my son suffer.
Dear Denise, I'll be there. Every single day. I miss you more than words in a stupid blog can express.
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