Saturday, February 7, 2009

Well at least they explained

This forum has been a part of my life for several years. I posted about it on my old blog. I've been, I believe, a very respected member of the community. I know this because this is the community that opened two college funds for my grandchildren. This forum is frequented by people all over the world.

It's been very dear to me.

I've missed it and I've missed the ability to interact with people I genuinely have grown to regard as a part of my family. They know more about me than most of my best friends.

Experiencing homicide grief you feel an instense feeling of isolation. I feel isolated from just about everyone I knew before we lost my daughter in law. It's no ones' fault. Everyone cares and expresses concern. But old friends seem to disappear. They don't know what to say. And when we go out, our conversations are so full of the murder, trial etc... that it's fun for no one.

As to the forum, I've had trouble (it's my own trouble) adapting and getting back into it. Other threads don't interest me. And these are threads starting by people I've genuinely grown to care about. I've become, IMO, quite self absorbed. I recognize this. I start and participate in threads that only concern me and my family. I don't like this. But, I can't seem to get past it.

Yesterday, I tried. But I made a great hash out of it, because ultimately it ended up being all about me again.

I went off the deep end and just shouted with rage. I was so angry at being called crazy.

For someone who is just barely hanging on emotionally, that's a dagger right in the heart.

Two of the posters were offended and deeply hurt because I was disagreeing with them. These two people apparently did a lot for the college funds. I guess they feel I haven't been appreciative enough.

So, that's it. My heart is broken over it.

But, there's nothing I can do about it. I won't go back. I'll just try to find and discover the new me.

I'll still see many of my friends hopefully on facebook.

But I won't go back there when people are so righteous they feel the need to be cruel.

I find that disgusting. And, no matter, what they did with the college funds, that had no right to continue to be cruel.

They should know, I even expressed it! That right now I'm emotionally crippled. I'm not crazy, but emotionally crippled? Yeah, most definitely.

The other problem with homicide grief is that people think we dwell on stuff. People think we need to move on. Well it just ain't that easy. We feel the pain everyday. We feel dysfunction in our family everyday. It doesn't go away. It's always there. The dysfunction is the reality. And we have to not only grieve, but we have to adjust to the dysfunction and it's a continual thing.

I'll figure it out. I'm strong. I'm hurt but it's just a matter of finding a new me that can deal with all the crap.

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