Sunday, February 8, 2009

Warning: This blog contains violence DO NOT READ unless necessary. It's ugly.

This post is extremely ugly.

I sincerely hope that no family or any close friends read this. I sincerely don't want to cause you pain. I love you.

I post it only because I want other homicide survivors to know that they are not the only ones thinking ugly thoughts. Please, do not read this unless it's necessary. It's deeply personal so unless you think you can learn something from it, don't read it. Please.

Interestingly it's no more violent than most of your CSI shows. But it's real and it's intensely personal. And oddly, it's not about the victim. It's about what the survivor of the victim goes through.

One of the major problems with homicide grief that adds to a lot of the anger issues, IMO, is how difficult it is to not visualize what may have happened to your loved one. I couldn't imagine being homicide survivor who witnessed the actual homicide. I simply can't imagine the nightmares and the visuals.

We're not exactly sure how things unfolded for my daughter-in-law. That's a problem within it self. You visualize things that may or may not have happened.

This is what we do know. We know she was raped and we know she was shot in the head. We know she was dumped in the shallow grave probably still alive but just barely. That's it. The rest we'll find out in the trial.

I get visuals that I can't stop. I try to stop them but they pop in anyway. It's really difficult to stop a thought once it's started. So, it's a constant everyday battle against thoughts and sometimes worse visuals.

About 3 or 4 months after Denise died my husband made a comment to me about our daughter in law being shot in the face.

She wasn't. She was shot in the side of the head as I originally thought. He honestly thought she was shot in the face. And, therefore, I took it as truth. I was extremely upset and shaken. I can't describe the horror I felt. I went around for two weeks not being able to tell people. People would ask me "what's wrong?" "What's wrong?" and I couldn't even put it in words it was such a horrific thought. I kept visualizing her beautiful face being blown apart. I felt horrible for my husband who had been carrying this belief around with him for several months and never speaking of it.

We never ever and/or very rarely talk about what happened that night. It's just too painful. And here my husband was carrying this around. I couldn't get past it, I was so horrified. The visuals were gruesome and terrible.

Until finally my son said "Mom! YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG!" Finally, I told him. The words still had trouble coming out. They were slow in coming for sure. I couldn't say it. I couldn't put it in words. Finally I did. My son said "Mom, Dad has it wrong. She was shot in the side of the head!"

How could that be any better? I don't know, but it was. My son then told my husband that evening. My husband thought she had been shot in the face for months because we never talk about it.

That was months ago. But the visuals still visit. They don't stop. They are relentless. Today I was laying down trying to nap with my grandsons. The visuals came back. I was picturing how delicate and beautiful my daughter in law was and missing her. And then my imagination started with what the monster/creep did to her. I pictured her struggling and fighting or just laying there detached from it all. Somehow those thoughts led to how he buried her.

The anger creeped in again. I thought "No wonder he buried her. No wonder he thought he had to kill her. He had marred and scarred such a simply lovely, delicate wonderful human being. He felt he had to destroy what he had ruined. So he killed her.

According to his MO, he's done this before and would definitely do it again.

But he didn't have to kill her. Yes, she would've been marred and scarred. But she would be alive! And with her family! Everyone loving her!!! She would've been with her babies!

I, of course, couldn't sleep. And because I had my grandchildren with me, I couldn't scream or yell or carry on the way I wanted to. Which would've been like a banshee.

But this a lot of why I think anger is such an issue. You simply can't get over what was done and how it was done to your loved one.

Some people have suggested a punching bag.

I find it so hard to understand why. Why? Why did she, who didn't have a malicious bone in her body, have to suffer the way she did? Why? She was sweet and innocent and never hurt anyone.

I hate being so angry. People say that the anger will subside after the trial is over. I certainly hope so. It's not like me to be this angry.


Jeanine said...

I have had these thoughts too.
Too often for someone I didn't even know. {not that that really matters} But I think you know what I mean. Most people think "oh that is sad" and leave the thoughts just as they would had they turned off the television after watching a crime show. It is so disturbing to have those thoughts. Even worse to know that she went through it. I cannot understand how the whole world isn't in an uproar and filled with rage. I have struggled with faith for a very long time. Incidents like this just make it even harder. Because I cannot understand why a good person would have to go through this and have their life end that way. To know that this type of thing happens every day is just so overwhelming. I wish I had the right words, and I wish so bad I could take away your pain. :(

Anonymous said...

Oh, Jeanine, I'm so sorry you read it. I was getting ready for bed and thought "maybe I should post 'no friends and family allowed'." And that's what I'm getting ready to do right now.

I'm sorry you are having these thoughts. That's not healthy for you. My daughter in law definitely doesn't want me to have them and certainly not you who have done so much for our family. You have been a walking angel on earth and Denise would never want you to suffer on her account.

I'm posting this stuff so that other survivors may some day see it and no they are not going crazy.

I love you, Jeanine, and look forward to when I'm myself or my new self again and we can have a good time. It'll happen! Hopefully after the trial.

Maybe you can sit with me a few of those days. I would love that.

God bless and get some sleep.