Frustration

Homicide grief in my opinion can be so frustrating for all parties involved.

I believe that the people who truly don't understand homicide grief simply don't realize it's not something you just "get over". You can't just "move on". I find these people can be those who love us and want to help us but simply because impatient. Especially when they don't see results in the time frame they deem is appropriate. So, they "throw up their hands". Then we "throw up our hands" and then they just give up.

They don't realize that giving up is not an option for us. Survival is our only option and that's a constant battle that could be more described as a war because it's comprised of many battles.

Tonight someone said to me "I thought of Denise yesterday. And I believe she'd be upset to know that you are still so sad and grieving".

I had to fight the impulse to yell at her. "Don't throw that on me!" We have a lot of anger and pushing us will only makes us angrier. It' doesn't mean we're angry at anyone in particular. We're quite simply mad at the situation. So, I just kept silent.

Then there are those people who start going on about God. I believe in God. I'm very mad at God right now. Sometimes I'm not sure there is a God. In any case, I'm going through a very personal journey with God right now. And it's more than personal, it's profoundly personal. I can't go to Mass because I just sit there and sob. This isn't something I'm embarrassed about. At this point I don't care if people see me crying or not. The reason I feel uncomfortable in going is I don't want to be a distraction to the other people. I go to church alone (sometimes I take Noah) and I just sit and look at the cross and bask in God's presence. I'm very angry at God but I still need his comfort. I can't pray. Where would I start? What to pray for first. If there is a God, he knows the problems and the tragedies. I have to get on with doing what I can do. I can't wait for him. What ticks me off is this is nobody's business but my own unless I choose to share it! I shouldn't have to explain that to people.

The same person I mentioned above has been going on about God for quite sometime. I just want to shout "Leave me alone! My relationship with God is personal and I appreciate your good intentions but, please, don't intrude on me and my faith!" It's "my faith" and no one elses. Pray, yes. That'll help. But don't preach. And for God's sake do not say "It was God's will!"

It's like fingernails on a chalkboard. I still think Denise suffered more that Christ. If I go to Hell, I go to Hell! I think she did. She didn't choose to die. She was terrorized, humiliated, raped, dragged away from her two babies, did I say terrorized? She did everything she could to live! Christ knew he was dying and he knew why. He made his choice so that Denise's murderer could commit murder and be saved? Sorry but I just don't get that!
Sheesh.

That person is starting to "give up"on me. She insists I don't want help. She's right. I don't want that kind of help. Help to me would be comfort, support, hugs and prayers. Prayers because I can't pray.

We have major issues! We have two toddlers trying to adjust without their mommy and they need to adjust to a grieving dad. We have PSTD coming out of the yingyang. We fighting to survive! I know that's difficult for most people to understand but we are. Our family is fighting for survival.

Sorry for the rant. I can't help it. This stuff drives me bonkers. Not the PTSD the other crap.

If I sound upset, I guess I am:o)


Aside to Crystal: You are so dear. I'll be thinking of you next week. Love you and many many hugs. We'll survive! I don't know how. But we will.