Sometimes....

I just look at Denise's picture and cry.

I can't believe she's gone. Even after all this time. It's just all so wrong.

I miss her. It's so friggin' surreal at times. It's just not right.

What a very sweet compliment

"a friend of mine found your blog and directed me to it. i have read over your blogs, and because of you, i am now attempting, for the first time, to articulate what i don't want to talk about."

Bittersweet really. You can find it here: http://survivinghomicide.blogspot.com/

I knew there were others out there like me that feel a need to be heard but simply don't know what to say or how to say it. We do come off as being bitter and angry. I guess that's cuz we are! And we have every right to be.

Dear Crystal, just like you, I don't like to talk about it either. For me, talking about it makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want to burden others but my world revolves around it. I can't run away from it. And if I'm not sick to my stomach, I'm angry as all get out. But also, just like you, I have to get it out.

I hope blogging helps you. It's helped me the short time I've been doing it to find my "new" self. I lost my "old" self the day Denise died. I'm still me but I'm very different. You probably know what I mean.

My heart goes out to you. After reading about your brother and sister in law I feel just so sad that two people who seemed to be such nice, peaceful people were brutally murdered. You gotta wonder why. Why? Just looking at their picture you can see how nice they were.

Same with Denise.

sigh

I'm overwhelmed right now and have to stop. Much much love and peace to you and your family especially your mom. It's hard watching someone else's devastation. We see it in our son. Many many hugs.

Peggy

Homicide Grief Hurricane Chart

Yes, I'm playing amateur psychologist and created this chart.

And I guess you're probably wondering what you're looking at!

I was trying to describe to someone the feelings of isolation we feel as homicide survivors. I can't speak for others but the above Hurricane chart sums it up for me.

I feel as if I'm living in the eye of a hurricane isolated and somewhat protected from the terrible winds swirling around me. Those winds every once in a while throw debris our way.

In the eye of the hurricane beside me are my husband, my widowed son, and my two grandchildren. You may even include Denise's parents in the eye.

Just outside the eye are Brian (our other son) and Mark's mom and my parents. We live with Mark's mom so she's pretty much in the eye but Brian and my parents live quite a distance away so they enter and exit the eye at times.

You'll notice the foundation members and volunteers are just as close to us as Brian and my parents. That's odd considering we didn't know these people before we lost Denise but they are beside us and do their best to bolster us and support us in many ways. They help us keep going with our crusade for 9-1-1 reform. My support group from Parents of Murdered Children would be included with these people. Work employees who we've become close with and any new friends would be included in this group.

Oddly, just outside of these people you'll find our extended family. My siblings, nieces, nephews, and Mark's brother and his family.

Even further out than that are our old friends who either have distanced themselves from us for their own reasons or simply can't seem to reach us because they don't know how. We don't know how to reach them either. People are swirling around in the storm trying to reach their hands to us inside the eye and we're trying to reach to them but connections are rare.

Because it's a hurricane nothing is fixed and the storm is continually moving at a very fast pace. Sometimes people get close and then swirl away again. It is completely out of anyone's control.

We (Mark, Nate, Noah and Adam) never leave the eye.

Everyone cares about us and we care about everyone caught up in the storm but communication is spotty and sometimes non-existant.

This is my personal hurricane chart. Nathan's, Mark's, Brian's, Noah and Adam's, etc..... charts would probably be different. They might look at my chart and say "Mom! So and so should be in this group!" or "why isn't so and so in the eye? They should be in the eye!"

Haleigh Cummings, Misty Croslin Cummings and Ronald Cummings

I'm sorry. It just boggles my mind that Misty Croslin and Ronald Cummings have only known each other 6 months.

Okay, let me try to work this out in my mind.

First, I guess it's a good thing that Ronald has only known Misty 6 months otherwise she may have been only 16 when they met? Huh? I know. What 24 year old healthy man needs to look toward a young teenager? But who am I too judge.

Second, when I was 17 I fell madly in love with a 21 year old. So, on Misty's part, I can see it happening. The 21 year old I fell in love with fell even more madly in love with me than I did with him. So, on Ronald's part, I can see it happening. But even at the age of 17 I came to realize that it was simply unhealthy for me as a 17 year old to be involved with a 21 year old. But that was me.

So, to expand on those thoughts, I can buy the romance. Can I buy the "forever" part? No. But, who knows?

Three, can I imagine little Haleigh desperately wanting a new mommy and a normal home with a mommy and a daddy in a fairy tale like romance? Sure. What little Haleigh experienced with her true mommy and daddy was obviously less than ideal and ANYTHING would've been better than the rancor, hate, and animosity she witnessed between her true parents. So, if her daddy was "in love" and Misty was at all maternal, of course, she would've wanted Misty in her life as a mommy. Especially if it brought happiness to the home.

What does all this lead too?

Not murder. Not kidnapping. Just GENUINE all out DYSFUNCTION.

So, what happened? Where's Haleigh?

IMO, it seems we're no closer (as the general public) in figuring out where Haleigh is or what's happened to her. Let us hope and pray the police know a helluva lot more than we do.

To be crude? All we know is her family is more than a tad messed up and was messed up even before all this happened.

Dear God, please, find this little girl. Dear God, if it's at all possible please find her safe. Dear God, please, keep this family strong and help them find the right path. And, Dear God, please help law enforcement ferret out the evil doer or evil doers involved in anything that may have happened to Haleigh and bring him/her/them to justice.

Families, devastation and pain that never stops.

In thinking about our lives today I can't help but think about all the families one senseless murder (Denise's) has effected.

The senselessness, the anger, the pain and suffering, the empty void, the madness, the sadness, the lives that could very well be destroyed unless great battles are fought.

I know the members of my immediate family, Mark, Nate, Brian and myself battle everyday to go on with some sort of normalcy and happiness. I believe we're making great strides in our battles. Noah and Adam certainly help with that. They, of course, keep us centered and focused on the future and we strive for as much normalcy in their lives and our own as possible.

Interestingly, the 9-1-1 debacle that happened in the Charlotte County 9-1-1 center to Denise has also helped. It's been astounding the support we've been receiving from around the world and across the country. I tear up just thinking of how those folks in San Diego pumped up and motivated Mark, Nate and the two Daves with renewed vigor and drive. Those folks out at CalNENA were so absolutely wonderful in their generosity and support. It meant so much because we now know that Denise's death wasn't totally senseless and that lives will and are being saved. To be meeting in Washington DC with NENA and other 9-1-1 industry experts!

sigh. They just don't know what it means for us to be able to help improve things. Not that they don't do a good job already. But what happened to Denise should never have happened. And even if human error was involved in Charlotte County, the human errors need to be minimized. The problems in our local 9-1-1 center went way beyond human error. In any case, dispatchers and call takers are our front line.

Denise saved two very precious lives the day she died. She literally saved Noah and Adam by keeping the murderer as far away from them as possible and getting the murderer out of the house. She was already a hero and IMO a saint. She martyred herself for her children.

I think of the foundation volunteers who stepped up in our time of need. How awesome have they been? I don't think people realize the time and effort these people dedicate to the events we've been participating in. And even behind the scenes answering emails, doing research, contacting people, and shielding us from God knows what. They've been our front line. I think of the time they've taken away from their own families to help our cause. Angels in blue indeed.

Back to families that have been effected by the ripples of Denise's senseless murder:

Of course, there's our family and Denise's family. There's our extended families of cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, etc.....

Then there's the murderer's family and his extended family. I can't imagine what their lives are like. I'm sure they've been ostracized and shunned. I'm sure they are experiencing many of the same feelings we're feeling. Anger, pain, senselessness, the questions, numbness, surrealness, isolation, anger again..... No, I wouldn't want to be a part of that family. It's odd though. Most people know Denise's name from all the publicity but many people don't recognize the perpetrator's name or his cousin who allegedly unwittingly helped him. You say those names and people draw blanks. I guess that's a positive for their families.

The families of the volunteers. The volunteers have been and continue to be overwhelming with their help to us. Their families must have had concerns in the beginning. But you know? Their families are usually right out there with us! I think it's been a very positive (yet negative) experience for the kids in helping with the community and fighting for a cause that it seems we will win in time! To be a part of that? That's pretty cool.

I know I'm rambling but I'm just thinking out loud at the senselessness of it all. And of course of all the pain and suffering "one" person caused to so many people and not just Denise.

Of course, Denise suffered most of all. I hate to write of that. I have very ugly thoughts there and have in the past compared her suffering to Christ's. That offends people probably but I honestly believe Denise suffered more than Jesus did. I know that blasphemous. But I can't help thinking it. Jesus knew why he was dying and chose to die. Denise didn't choose to die. Denise was terrorized, humiliated, violated, torn from her children and fought tooth and nail to live. I just can't come to terms with the way that man made her suffer. She who never gave harm to anyone.

That's one of the problems with homicide grief. You can't help but remember how your loved on suffered and died. It boggles the mind to think someone could hurt your loved one in such an awful way, kill her and than throw her away like she was trash. Naked in a shallow grave so the alligators could get her.

I just don't get that. I never will.

Sorry. People don't understand that the pain never seems to stop. It hurts just thinking about her. And that's not fair to her. She who was so precious and wonderful and good.

My thoughts about Nancy Grace and the Haleigh Cummings family

As I said before in a previous post I never watched much of Nancy Grace. I always found her abrasive. But the more and more I watch her and listen to her (truly listen) I'm thinking I like her. I like her very much. I've been getting small doses of her and now I'm onto bigger doses. Last night I watched her entire show. I think I may even watch her tonight.

What changed my mind about Nancy Grace? One glaring thing that I just happened to see. Amidst all the hoopla over Ronald Cummings marriage to Misty Croslin yesterday people were calling in to her show with disgust in their voices. They couldn't understand how he could get married while his daughter is missing and fly off to New York on a honeymoon.

Well, it seemed to me Ms Grace did an excellent job of refraining to comment her thoughts. Yes, it seems very distasteful and wrong minded. But, like Ms Grace I hesitate to judge until I know for a fact that Misty Croslin Cummings and/or Ronald Cummings had anything to do with the disappearance of little Haleigh.

Why? Well, it's simple really. Desperate people do desperate things. And having a child missing and possibly/probably murdered is about as desperate as you can imagine. Things don't get more desperate than that. Lots of things fly around your mind. Lots of anger is thrown around. Emotions are at the highest level possible.

I could almost feel Ms Grace's distaste just as I have a bad taste in my mouth over the whole thing. But, I'm not going to judge until I know the facts.

And right now it's just a lot of crap going around with a little girl likely dead. I hope not but it is what it is.

And here I may get into a bit of trouble because I'm going to mention my son's grief. I love my son more than anything in the world. I support him and I have faith in him. Is he himself? His old self? NO! And he's made some mistakes since Denise died. He's still making mistakes. But that is simply my opinion. I just don't think he's himself. His judgement seems to be way off and out of kilter. But you know what? I've done the same thing. I posted yesterday about how I've become abrasive and I've been making errors in judgement. A lot of it's anger. A lot of it's grief. And a lot of it is because with what we're going through there are no set rules or precedents.

It is what it is. My husband has made mistakes. But it's all a matter of opinion. And the bottom line is we're doing out best to rise above the situation and go on. We're doing our best to stay strong. We're doing our best to try and bring about some good out of a senseless tragedy.

So, I'm going to give Mr Cummings the benefit of the doubt. I'm going to hope and pray that this marriage is his way of bringing about a positive in the face of senseless tragedy. I hope and pray I'm correct. I'm hoping the trip to New York was a gesture to bring about national attention to his missing child. It's not easy putting your pain on display. I know that from watching Nathan. So, maybe Mr Cummings has his reasons.

If we ever hear otherwise and that he or his new wife brought harm to Haleigh..... well.... then IMO they can be strung up on the nearest tree. But it'll need to be proved first.

Just my opinion as always

A Day with the Babies! (now toddlers)

I originally posted this in the other blog but thought it may help here!

My day with Noah and Adam

What a nice day!It was so good to see both of them for some quality time. Now that we're feeling more settled in the house it was easier for me and for them to relax. I picked them up early from daycare. The first thing we did was come back to the house and walk down to the water. I'll have to look for some pics to post but we're living directly on Lemon Bay. And it's beautiful:o) We sat on the bench and simply watched the boats. The boys were a bit mischievous and were wanting to dangle their feet over the seawall but I wasn't at all comfortable with that. But we ran around the grass and played tag. We watched birds and Noah saw two dolphins.

Then we came back to the house and they were thrilled! I was worried because yesterday didn't go so well....Adam picked out a chair as if he was an explorer and staking a claim. If he had a flag I'm sure he would've planted it in the chair. He's like that. He has his spot. No one else is allowed in it. He'll be playing with a truck having a good time but stop immediately if he sees you sitting in his spot! He gets quite indignant and upset.

Noah kept saying things like "Grandma! you brought our blocks!" then "Grandma, you brought our train!" then "Grandma, you brought our ambulance!" then "Grandma, you brought our movies!" I replied with "of course!"

Then I said to Noah "I even brought mommy's picture!" I hadn't unpacked it yet so we went to the box and we unwrapped and unpacked all Denise's picture. He was thrilled! He held it very delicately. I said "she was so pretty!" and he said "Yeah!" I allowed him to pick the place for the special one we always kept at eye level. Adam later accidently knocked it over and Noah jumped up and instead of scolding Adam, he said "I'll fix it" and gingerly placed it back where it needed to be.

Then we took another walk down to see the boats and sit on the bench.

It was truly a precious time. I was so thrilled to see them happy. Adam is usually always happy unless he's not feeling well. But, Noah is moody. Today was a good mood.

Later I took them over to MomMom. It was a very good day:o)

Another Parents of Murdered Children Meeting missed

Yes, I missed another one. sigh.

The grandchildren

Since we've been busy moving I haven't had an opportunity to see much of the grandchildren. I'm missing them dearly. I had an opportunity to babysit last night and jumped at it. Then I realized not a minute later I had the meeting. Of course, I opted to see the babies. You can tell it's been a while since I've seen them because Noah was in a fairly nasty mood at first. He always gets that way when he hasn't seen someone in a while. I think it's his way of saying he's mad. As a matter of fact he was so mad I had to settle him down for a time out. He was crying and finally I asked "are you missing mommy?" Which made him start to cry harder but then he started nodding his head and calming down. I, of course, consoled him. It was odd though because usually we'll go get one of her pictures and we'll talk about her. But this time he didn't want anything to do with the pictures and started yelling "NO!" I don't know what that was all about. In any case he did calm down. And we did rock. It's just odd. Usually when we talk about her he smiles.

Today I'm going to pick him up early from daycare and spend some quality time with him going for a walk down by the water and seeing the boats. Maybe I'll even take him to the Indian Mounds park. Adam was fine. He's such a trooper.

I do my best for the babies but I don't know what is right to do and what is wrong. Should I have not asked about "mommy"? Did I put the thought there? I wish I knew. Sadly, there is no right or wrong and there are no rules. Anyhow, we rocked each other and I told him that I missed his mommy too.

the Parents of Murdered Children meeting

Man, was I sorry I missed it. I really wanted to go to this one. I feel like I'm losing friends (well I am) and I wanted to ask about everyone else's experiences without hearing any platitudes such as "well, if they were really your friends in the first place..........." Because many of the friends I've lost really were friends in the first place!

I don't know if it's me or what. I do know that my personality has changed quite dramatically. These are some of my new traits:

I'm abrasive
I'm self-abosorbed
I'm sensitive (I've always been sensitive but now I've taken being sensitive to a new level)

Some people (my old friends) have even called me a drama queen. Wow. Sadly, I think they are right. My whole life is surrounded by drama. But in my defense it isn't drama I'm creating for myself. It's real life, all too true, drama! I don't know what to do. Maybe I shouldn't share it the way I do. It's interesting that some people like me to share it and are genuinely interested while others think it's wrong to air it. While still others say I shouldn't worry about it and should do what's right for me. What is right? It feels right to me to express it but I certainly don't want to be considered a drama queen.

Some people (my old friends) think I've forgotten my old friends. This is true and it's not true. I haven't really forgotten my old friends. I've moved away from them in many ways because of what's going on in my life. I haven't forgotten them. I've just (and maybe this is my offense) taken them for granted and assumed they would always be there understanding that I'm just going through a lot of sh!t.

Some people (my old friends) think I'm ungrateful. And for this I'm truly sorry. Because I'll always be grateful.

I've hurt other people's feelings. I've been accused of things that if I've done them I'm sorry. I apparently express myself very badly. I've lost some of my softness and some of the social skills I used to have. I used to be more tolerant. I'm much less tolerant. I made an attempt to start participating on my favorite on-line forum and completely made a hash of it.

There are old friends that I haven't heard from in months in real life. Actually close to a year. Many I haven't heard from since Denise died. I don't know how to get them back. What's there to say?

I've made many new friends and finally had a day out a couple of weeks ago with a girl friend. It was my first trip out without Mark, Nate or the boys. We went to a ballgame and had a great time! We talked and talked. She's someone I met through the Parent of Murdered Children support group. It seems as if they are the only people who I can relate to. I ran into another member at Wal-Mart the other day and it was great! We talked like old friends. He hadn't been to the last couple of meetings either. You wouldn't believe how good it felt to run into each other. It was like family!

And then other friends have stayed steadfast and true. They seem to understand that I'm truly not quite my old self right now. They also seem to realize that I'm still trying to find myself. And that my being self alsorbed isn't really who I am. One old friend pointed out that I'm not the only one with problems.

I've always tried to be selfless. I've always tried to love and accept just about everyone. Maybe I was naive. At one time someone said my motto was "love the sinner, hate the sin". I don't know.

Some people would even ask "why should I care?"

And here I go again. Talking about myself and running on and on about me. Drama queen.

I'm really just trying to find myself and who I am.

Thanks for listening.

Internet access

I'll be without it for a few days while we move.

I'll post as soon as I can.

All the families who have lost loved ones to violence or have children missing are in my prayers and thoughts.

Much love and peace.

Coral Rose Fullwood and homicide grief

Poor sweet innocent baby.

I feel as if I'm becoming numb to it all. Not desensitized but numb. My mind can't wrap itself around some of the things we are learning.

We've learned the her daddy watched child porn with one of her alleged murderers at the daddy's work.

Huh? He watched children being RAPED at work with the alleged murderer.

Huh?

Who are these people? And what is happening?

Coralrose lived in the same small town not far from where Denise and Nate were living when Denise was taken. At one time they thought the cases might be linked. People even speculated that because Denise was tiny and petite and was mistaken for a child by a witness, that possibly Michael King had something to do with Coralrose's murder.

Coralrose was taken from her home in the middle of the night. She was later found beaten, raped and strangled in a ditch not far from her house. The police confiscated 10 (ten) computers from the home and Mr Fullwood admitted having child porn on them. Huh? Who needs 10 computers in your home?

Who watches child porn and children being raped? Who are these people and how can we get rid of them?

And the poor mom and the poor siblings....... God bless them with much strength and courage to get through all this. I can't imagine their PAIN!

This makes me so angry. I'm just angry. Angry for Denise. Angry for Coralrose. Angry for Jessica Lunsford. Angry for little Haleigh Cummings. Angry for Caylee Anthony. Just ANGRY!

Has the world always been this way? Have little children always been preyed upon?

I'm so disgusted. These people that do this are scum. I mean scum.

You have to understand that there's a lot of rage in homicide grief. Lots of rage. When we first lost Denise I couldn't read these stories. I had enough rage in me that I didn't need anymore. Now that I'm farther along in my grief, I'm starting to not be so oblivious. I'm starting to read more about others. For the longest time I couldn't let in anymore pain.

I feel so angry right now that I'm not sure I can read about Coralrose any more.

I met a friend (I consider him a friend) in Wal-Mart today. He lost his daughter to his ex son-in-law. The ex son-in-law shot her. Then he shot his and her two babies. A whole family wiped out! Just wiped out!

I think of my anger and then I look at this man and I think "how does he bear it?????" How does he contain that anger? Lloyd, if you read this, I do hope you start blogging. I am more than willing to read what you have to say. There is so much I can learn from you and your family. {{{Love and peace, brother}}}

I gotta stop writing. I'm becoming agitated.

Through all this my heart just breaks. It breaks everyday. Everyday, every hour and every minute.

Please God, help make this senseless madness that is going on in the world now stop.

the latest on Haleigh/Hayleigh Cummings

I still want to spell it Hayleigh.

In any case, I haven't blogged about her in a while because other cases and other tragedies have taken my attention away. See my other blog. And also because there really isn't any news!

This tonight:
http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/03/06/haliegh.trailer.crime.scene/

I can tell you that the father, Roland/Ronald's not wanting to live in the trailer/house since she was taken does ring true. I probably should have written this before because it's been reported repeatedly. I just want to set the record straight that this makes sense and that is what happened with us.

When Denise was taken none of us wanted to re-entered the house. It's been over a year and I still haven't been by it or even want to go near it. Nathan and the babies never re-entered the house as far as I know of. My husband, Mark, his brother Steve and Deborah, Steve's wife were the ones that eventually entered Nathan's house after it was no longer a crime scene. They were the ones who went through everything and packed it up. You can read a little about it here:

http://toosad4words.blogspot.com/2009/01/special-thank-you-to-steve-and-deborah.html

We simply couldn't go back. I never EVER want to see that house again. For a while I wasn't sure I'd ever enter the city of North Port again. But the citizens of North Port well.... they've been phenomenally supportive and wonderful. Go North Port! They've been well..... just indescribable in their support.

I sure wish they'd find this little girl. I can hardly read some of the accounts in the paper. I have no idea what to think of the family. I've tried to defend them in every way. I do hope they unite and stay strong.

They have such a long road ahead of them.

That's all I wanted to say. The story of not wanting to go back into the place where Haleigh/Hayleigh was taken definitely rings true.

God bless them all.

week update

This week's update:

Sad. That's it sad.

Overwhelmed because we're moving and losing our home. I missed a lot of work this year by taking off work more than I probably should have. I stayed home with babies the first few months after my daughter in law died. My husband is a mortgage broker. So, you can imagine.

We're to be out of the house by the weekend. sigh.

There's more good than bad. But I don't have the energy to post it.

In a nutshell? The babies are WONDERFUL!!! Gosh, I don't know what I'd do without them. They are the future. And! My son had great success in California and has been asked to speak throughout different parts of the country on 9-1-1 solutions.

So, it's good. I just miss Denise.

It's just wrong that's she's gone.