Sometimes.........

Nothing, not words, not drawings, nothing can describe homicide grief.

We have Denise's picture displayed prominently on one of our side tables. It's placed there to be eye level for the two babies. It's a beautiful picture. Possibly one of her best. Denise was amazingly photogenic. Just beautiful. Inside and out.

Sometimes I look at her picture and just start crying. I don't know why. Other times, I'm fine. It's odd. Sometimes I look at her picture and I start to visualize her in the room. Most of the time when I visualize her she's carrying Adam, our youngest grandchild. I'll hear her voice answering me when I ask "how are you, sweetie?"

Sometimes the grief overwhelms me.

Me. Her mother in law.

I can't imagine how her own mother handles it.

Homicide grief. It's like no other.

A Rant: Little Haleigh Cummings and her family

Apparently there's a lot of speculation going around about this family. The poor beleaguered dad is almost on trial. The poor beleaguered mom isn't helping the situation.

I hope and pray for this young child's sake that this family does all it can to stay together and represent a united front.

By infighting and pointing fingers of past offenses they are only making their suffering worse.

I wish somehow, someone would get this message across to them. .

Geraldo Rivera was issued a no trespassing warrant because he brought up some disgusting stuff with some terribly foul questions. He had the cruelty to pose those questions to the distraught father. That's just wrong. The father hasn't been indicted on any charges and to ask him questions about abuse during his marriage while his little girl is lost well...... Having a bad marriage doesn't make you a murderer. And the mom lost custody. She must've lost custody for a reason. To say there's some bitterness there would probably be an understatement.

This family needs to rise above their petty squabbling and stand together. If and when Haleigh comes back she's going to need BOTH her parents.

Maybe people like Geraldo don't think they are being cruel. Maybe they believe they have the right of free speech to ask any question they'd like.

Well, I submit to you that maybe they do have that right. But it doesn't make the right thing to do.

If these people had just an inkling of the pain that this family is going through they'd shut their foul mouths and wait for the police to do their jobs. They'd stop pointing fingers. They'd help the police. They'd help the family.

I imagine the Cummings family has friends who are helping them. I hope they have a community that is supporting them.

I'm telling you that when someone in your family goes missing, you can't handle any more pain.

Gosh, I'd wish they'd find this poor little girl.

Again, what has the world come to? Why are people hurting our kids? What is it in Florida? Is it Florida? Or is it everywhere and we just get all the bad pub?

Pilar Rodriguez, Carlie Brucia, Jessica Lunsford, Coral Rose Fullwood, Trenton Duckett, Caylee Anthony, Haleigh Cummings.......... And those just off the top of my head.

In more than one of the cases above the public scrutinized the families horribly and were wrong.

Let's look at these cases.

Pilar is still unsolved. They think she was abducted by her babysitter.

Carlie Brucia was abducted by a stranger and murdered. Her mother was pretty much and still is on trial by the community. Last tihing I heard she was drugged out and possibly a hooker or maybe it was a stripper. Who knows if that's correct? Bottom line is the child was taken by a stranger!

Jessica Lunsofrd was abducted by a stranger and murdered. Her dad was suspect in the beginning. Everyone was sure he did it or that the grandparents had been neglectful. People still mention the dad and saying he should'nt have gone out on a date that night and he should've been home. Sheesh.

Coral Rose Fullwood was abducted and murdered by a stranger. Possibly more than one. Immediately the family was put on trial. Reports of child abuse and neglect. The children were taken away from the parents. There were reports of human feces on the walls of their home. The father had child porn on his computer. But! Bottom line it's a stranger who's awaiting trial in jail. No connection to the Fullwood's has been proved.

Trenton Duckett remains unsolved. Her mom was blamed by the public and the press. She was never arrested. But, she committed suicide after Nancy Grace went after her. Trenton is still missing. Gee. So, losing a child and having to deal with the predators of the press can lead to suicide. Who knows? Maybe she was guilty of something. Sadly, because of the press, we'll never know. The police were unable to do their jobs.

Caylee Anthony. Who knows? I can't even begin to write about her case. But the mom's in jail. It took them a long time to get her in jail but she's there. Who knows what went on with the grandparents? Has the press distorted the facts or are the grandparents as whacked out as we've been led to believe?

Which leads us to Haleigh Cummings. And WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! IMO it's best to let the police do their jobs. The family IMO should shut up to the press, cooperate with police and stay united. These reports about them pointing fingers and mentioning past transgressions is not good for them and it's not good for Haleigh.

God give them strength and courage. They have a long road ahead of them no matter what's found out.

I continue to keep the entire family (both sides) in my prayers.

added edit: I really need to send a thank you to the press who have handled our case. You truly on the most part have shown compassion towards us and you have helped us. Thank you for that.

Missing children and homicide grief

Many years ago, when I was a young mom, my mother-in-law made a comment that startled me. My oldest son was probably around 4 years old. She said "you better protect him" "there are crazy men out there that prey on young boys" etc........

I have to say I was pretty darned shocked. I guess I had grown up fairly sheltered. I grew up inside the Baltimore beltway less than a mile from the Baltimore City line. I didn't think I was sheltered but, yes, I was.

In any case, I thought my mother in law was being just a bit paranoid. I never in my wildest dreams would have imagined someone taking my child to satisfy their perverse needs. It seemed ludicrous. We were getting ready to move to the country and we were going to be isolated. My husband and I were looking forward to the peace and quiet. We were looking forward to the isolation.

Twenty years later my son and daughter in law moved to an isolated spot. They weren't moving very far away but the house was isolated. My mother in law was worried about Denise being out there alone all by herself with the two boys. In the same way she worried about me with my two boys twenty years before.

Again, I thought she was being just a bit paranoid.

Of course, we know what happened. A year after moving in Denise was taken from her home and separated from her babies in broad daylight. She was subsequently brutally raped and then murdered less than 5 miles from her house. The babies were left stranded in a crib. Denise, beautiful sweet baby at the age of 21, killed. Just like that. Gone. Snuffed out. Disposed of as if she was disposable. Not!

Our lives will never be the same.

Wow. Was I naive.

And all these missing children. I can't imagine the pain young parents must feel. The anger.

I never thought about missing children much. I figured they were usually taken by disgruntled spouses. And, I guess the majority of them are. Still.... what did I know?

And, wow. Was I naive.

Two stories over the years before Denise went missing moved me. Pilar Rodriguez and Shawn Hornbeck's stories for some reason.

Pilar mostly because we had just moved to Florida when she went missing and I felt at the time the police weren't doing all they could to find her. I thought it was because she was Hispanic. I could've been wrong. I hardly remember the details. I just remember the thought. I could've been way off.

Shawn Hornbeck because somehow he survived. His story is one of such hope.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe I'm writing it for those readers that haven't gone through such a crisis. Protect your kids. Don't be paranoid but do be smart. It could happen to anybody.

I worry sometimes that my grandchildren will be kidnapped.

I wonder if I'm being paranoid.

I don't know. I answered the door the other day to strangers. They ended up being Jehovah's Witnesses. I thought afterward, "gee, maybe I shouldn't have answered the door." Was Denise taken simply because she answered a door? We don't know how he got in. We know the windows were open. Does that mean I have to lock my windows all the time?

What an insane world. It's really messed up. The questions why? why? why? I don't think I'll ever get past asking why. I know there are no answers.

I best stop thinking about it. I hope they find little Haleigh Cummings soon.

Sorry. Once again I'm crying on the inside not only for Denise and my family but for the Cummings family, for the Rodriguez's, the Lunsfords...... I cry for them all.

What's going on? What's wrong with us? These children (and I lump Denise in there at the age of 21) are our future?

Parents of Murdered Children

Last night I missed another Parents of Murdered Children meeting. I was going fairly regularly to these meetings and find them very beneficial. It's difficult to express how I feel about the other people in the support group. All are families who have lost someone close to them to homicide.

It's the one place where we can go and not feel uncomfortable talking about our grief. It's difficult talking about homicide grief. It's rare, at least in my family, that we talk about it amongst family and friends. Why? You'd think we'd want to talk about it. Well, for us it's because we don't want to cause our loved ones anymore pain than they are already feeling. Let's say one of us is having an okay day, maybe even a good day. Who would want to spoil that day by bringing up our own grief? It's just going to bring them down. It's not going to lift us up by sharing it. Also, once we start talking about it, instead of grief coming out, we all start getting angry. And anger is a major part of the grief. We're not angry at each other, we're angry at the situation. We feel cheated.

And then when we do see people that we haven't seen for a long time... I don't know. They start asking questions and we don't mind answering them. They want to know. They're interested. They care. But after a while of talking about it.... I just get ill. I don't know about other people.

At the POMC meetings the others don't look at you cross eyed when you start talking about that anger. They "get it". They feel the same anger. They don't mention the cliches. If you start blubbering, they know just what to say. And sometimes it's nothing. Some of the people there have been there for years. They are especially helpful because they can give at least a little direction if not much. We are all so different. But there's hope in seeing them there. I feel a sense of comfort having them there. Seeing that they are still sane and haven't gone bonkers. These people aren't going to say "don't dwell on it" "you have to move on" "think of the positives" "God has his reasons" "think of the grandchildren" etc....

That's a rich one. "Think of the grandchildren". As if we don't think of the grandchildren!

I just erased a whole paragraph. I was going to share some of the stories from other families but I had to remind myself they are not my stories to share.

All the stories are tragic. All the stories are heartbreaking. All the stories make you want to cry.

Anyhow, they meet on Wednesday nights. Unfortunately, Wednesdays are Nathan's days off. So, a lot of the foundation business is usually planned for Wednesdays. Last night I missed the meeting because Nathan was practicing his CalNENA keynote address. I wanted to hear it. I could've made the decision to go to the POMC meeting but I opted to listen to Nathan. It's a 45 minute speech and it will address some 600 people.

I missed the last meeting because Nathan had a foundation meeting. I could've opted for the POMC meeting but it's rare I get to go to foundation meetings. I'm usually watching the babies. So, I opted for Nathan's meeting.

I just got word this morning that the SW Florida POMC is going to have 2 meetings a month. One in Punta Gorda and the other in Fort Myers. So, hopefully I'll be able to attend one or the other.

I missed December's meeting. I forget why. I missed November's meeting (it was my birthday). I may even have missed October's meeting! I can't even remember. But, it's been months.

Book Review "Peace Is Every Step"

Seems silly to be doing a book review when I haven't even finished reading the book.

But, I have to tell you, this book is perfect in it's simplicity.

Homicide grief for me has been very complicated. I've suffered from depression in the past and it's been difficult for me to tell the difference between clinical depression and homicide grief.

And it makes you wonder how to treat it or if treatment is necessary. Personally, I've shied away from anti-depressants throughout all this. I'm not saying that's right or wrong. There is no right or wrong. We're all different and what benefits me may not benefit you and vice versa.

Be that as it may I've shied away from meds. I've been on them before and they messed me up.

Therefore, I've been looking for alternatives ways to feel better. As I mentioned in my last post, I've shied away from my bike and just look at it with a big yawn. I don't exercise the way I should and my diet is terrible.

I've got to do something. Anyhow, a friend living in Chicago sent me this book "Peace Is Every Step". (He also sent a DVD of Artur Rubinstein playing in Moscow, 1964. Bliss!)

Anyhow, the Rubinstein was a great gift but the book is perfect. I can utilize what the book is teaching me anywhere at anytime. I'm thinking if I practice it enough it will surely help me when it comes time for the trial.

I've only gotten through the first few chapters. I can't seem to get any farther I'm enjoying the beginning chapters too much. It's a very thin book and therefore non intimidating. (I don't have the attention span since the murder for thick books). The chapters are barely 2 pages long. It was written by a Vietnamese monk and he teaches how not to over think. He says thinking is good but too much thinking can be unhealthy. Something I've been saying since my daughter in law died. He teaches (at least in the first few chapters) how to breath and how to smile. If we concentrate on those two simple things, we'll think less often and it'll be easier to relax and "enjoy the moment".

Homicide's create chaos for all involved. I don't think a person can go through anything more chaotic and unbearable than homicide grief. It affects the entire family in different ways. It creates dysfunction throughout the family and among friends. I've often described my feelings as the Bermuda Triangle of feelings. If we are what we think, than there's nothing worse than homicide grief. Maybe suicide grief. I don't know. That would be terrible. The loss of a child. Terrible. The loss of two children playing in a trunk (which happened near here recently) has to be unbearable.

In all these heartbreaking scenarios, simplicity seems to be a start to an answer in healing. At least it is for me now after more than a year of this madness. And it is madness.

Health is a serious issue

It's been just over a year since we lost our daughter-in-law.

And in all my reading I've read several times that health can become an issue when experiencing homicide grief. This is soooo true, at least, it's become an issue for me.

It didn't start out as an issue. I was fairly healthy when we lost my daughter in law last January. But, I've since gained at least 25 pounds. I've also lost 4 pairs of eyeglasses and if I don't get to the dentist soon, I could lose a couple of teeth. All within one year. I missed two mammograms, I mentioned those earlier. I very rarely exercise anymore. I just look at my bike and yawn.

Why? You wonder why. I've never been one to let myself go. I've always taken pride in myself. Now? heh.

I figure I'm getting plenty of exercise chasing babies!

In any case, tomorrow I'm setting up a dentist and an eye doctor appointment. I just have to do it. I've been to my other doctor and he seems to think I'm fine otherwise. The weight he said not to worry about. But! I don't want to get any bigger!!!!

I hate to buy another pair of eyeglasses but if I want to drive at night I just have to have them.

We had to exchange cars with my son tonight and I had to drive his pickup. The glare was downright scary. I don't like driving trucks anyway. It would be different if it were a clutch and we lived out in the country with hills and open road. Around here, it's a pain in the butt.

Anyhow, why do I post this? Just as as reminder to take care of yourself. Ignoring ourselves apparently really does catch up with us. It's catching up with me now. I'm downright embarrassed about going to see the dentist. And he's such a nice dentist too.

All my doctors are nice. I don't know why I don't want to see them more often.

From GriefWorks/ Suggestions for survivors of murder

Even after a year I'm still finding new things that help. Sometimes I wonder what I'm searching for when looking at this stuff. Whether it's answers to why she was murdered or whether it's answers to are we every going to heal.

Our family is so full of dysfunction. The adjustments are constant and we're continually switching roles. I thank God that we were a close family to begin with because if we hadn't been, we'd certainly be tested now. As it is, everyone is stressed and strained.

This is what I found from GriefWorks:

suggestions for survivors of murder Someone you love has been murdered. Your whole world has been thrown into chaos and uncertainty. You feel vulnerable. Over time and with the help of other supportive people, you will get through this terrible time.

Some of the following suggestions may be helpful:

- Know you can survive. You may not think so, but you can;

- Struggle with why it happened until you no longer need to know why or until you are satisfied with partial answers;

- Know you may be overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings but all your feelings are a natural reaction to what has happened;

- Anger, guilt, confusion, forgetfulness are common responses;

- You are not crazy - you are in mourning;

- Be aware you may feel anger at the murderer, the person who died, the world, at God, at yourself. It's okay to express it;

- You may feel guilty for what you think you did or did not do to maybe prevent it;

- Guilt can turn into regret through forgiveness;

- Having suicidal thoughts is common. It does not mean that you will act on those thoughts. Find a good listener with whom to share;

- Call someone if you need to talk;

- Don't be afraid to cry. Tears are healing;

- Give yourself time to heal;

- If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may only be experiencing a remnant of grief, an unfinished piece. Grieving is like a roller coaster ride;

- Try to put off major decisions;

- Give yourself permission to get professional help;

- Be aware of the pain of your family and friends;

- Be patient with yourself and others who may not understand;

- Set your own limits and learn to say 'no' when someone asks something of you that you are not up to doing;

- Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel;

- Know that there are support groups that can be helpful;

- Call on your personal faith to help you through;

- Know it is common to experience physical reactions to your grief eg. headache, loss of appetite, inability to sleep, irritability or restlessness;

- Have the willingness to laugh with others or at yourself;

- Wear out your questions, anger, guilt or other feelings until you can let them go;

- Letting go doesn't mean forgetting;

and

- Know that you will never be the same again, but you can survive and even go beyond just surviving.

Copyright 2002 Griefworks BC

Access Griefwork's excellent archive of articles on grief now!

Link: http://www.thisisawar.com/GriefMurder.htm

Hayleigh Cummings and homicide grief

A little girl has been missing in central Florida for the past few days. It echoes the Jessica Lunsford case.

I have difficulty watching other people's tragedies on the news. I didn't watch hardly any of the Caylee Anthony news coverage. I had a difficult time wrapping my mind around what the young mother Casey Anthony may or may not have done.

It's just since my daughter in law died it's difficult to open myself up to other people's pain.

I feel myself slowly healing though because I'm becoming less self absorbed and more concerned about others now. For the past year it's been all about my daughter in law.

It still is mostly about my daughter in law but I'm able to at least pray now for other people.

It's odd, I have trouble praying for myself and my own family. The prayers are weak. My anger is still strong towards God. I can't understand why these babies have to suffer. And whether they are 3, 5, 7,8, or 9, they are babies. And they are suffering.

I wonder sometimes if the man that killed my daughter in law went after her because she was so tiny and small. Maybe he thought of her as a child. I think of her as a child. She was only 21. To me that's a baby. All my babies are older than she was. And eyewitness who saw the abduction mistook her for a child.

Anyhow, whatever the case. I don't understand why little Jessica Lunsford had to suffer.

Or Coral Rose Fullwood.

I don't get it. I'll never get it. And each time someone goes missing whether it's a child or an adult it just brings back those days when we didn't know where my daughter in law was.

That's why I stayed away from the Caylee Anthony case. She was missing for so long.

I hope they find this little girl soon. And I pray they bring her home safe. God bless her family during this time.

Homicide grief a Year Later

This is an edited version of a post I posted in my first blog.

Last March while writing about homicide grief, my grief was still very raw. Now, a year later it's still raw. The biggest difference is I've seem to have come out of what I can only describe as a zombie phase. For many months after we lost my daughter in law I was a zombie. I met people and attended fundraisers and was simply there. I didn't feel an active part of any of it. It was just all happening around me and I don't feel as if I contributed much other than my presence and of course, watching the babies.

I have hardened up some. I still cry quite often but not nearly as openly as I used to. I've become used to the newspaper articles and the news reels. Over this past New Years, one of the news reels proclaimed my daughter in law's story to be "the saddest story of 2008" at least locally. And I didn't cry.

Well wait a minute. I take that back. I did cry. But I cried on the inside. I read somewhere someone describe homicide grief saying "it's as if you're bleeding on the inside" and that's so true. It's a perfect description.

I also read that you don't get over it, you simply adjust. Or maybe someone told me that. I can't remember. But that's basically true too.

Anyhow, I believe I've come out of that zombie phase. I feel that "fog" lifting. Maybe it's because the holidays are finally over. Maybe it's because it's been a year. I don't know.

But as far as the pain? It's still as raw as it was a year ago. I still feel as if "I'm bleeding on the inside". And maybe it's because I'm no longer in the zombie phase, I feel it all more keenly.

One of the best things about being out of the zombie phase is being able to recognize all the good people out there. So many people trying to help. So many who are willing to listen to me. Yes, there are those who are sick and tired of the story and wish the story would go away. The woman who said "well, at least now you know other people have problems too"....... Well, I know not to talk to her about it anymore. I don't think she intended to be mean, it just came out as being mean. Maybe I do talk about it too much. It certainly absorbs all my thoughts. The sad thing is, I wasn't even talking about Denise. I was talking about that poor unfortunate golf pro who's life ended so abruptly.

People say you are your thoughts. Hmmmm...... Well crap. No wonder I'm such a mess.

And it's not so much just this. It seems that every week something else happens. It's such a roller coaster. One day you feel maybe not elated but at least at peace and the next day you feel like someone stepped on you again.

So anyway I'm seeing things a bit more clearly now. And I believe that's a good thing.

So many people who experience tragedies like ours have turned their tragedies into positive changes and hopes for other victims in either preventing future tragedies or with helping the victims families.

On a local level, I look at people like the leader of our Parents of Murdered Children support group. And wow! How inspiring is she! To give of yourself month after month by being there for others. And believe me, no matter how tragic it all is, there is comfort in numbers. You don't wish tragedy on anyone and it saddens you to know there are others out there experiencing the raw pain you are but being able to have someone hug you that "truly understands" is the greatest gift. IMO. You have family and friends who love you more than anything, but you know they don't quite understand even though you know they want to. Anyhow, this support group she brought about in our area won't bring her son back. But in a way it does. In a spiritual sense it brings him back for her. She knows that if she wants to talk about him, cry about him or rage about what happened to him no one is going to minimalize her pain and say "get over it". So, anyway, she's doing something truly wonderful for other people. And I applaud her for it.

On a national level, of course, John Walsh has got to be one of the most inspiring individuals in the country if not the world. And still after 27 years he still cries over his little boy. And of course, there are so many others we all know about.

Look at Shawn Hornbeck's family. They never gave up hope and are now not only coping with mending their family, they too are reaching out to others offering support and comfort.

Turning tragedy and anger into positive hope for others.

My son, of course, has started the a foundation in honor and memory of my daughter in law promoting solutions to 9-1-1 mishaps which was inspired by the overwhelming support of our community. There was so much money raised for him and the babies. And he took a large chunk of it to start this foundation to bring about improvement in 9-1-1 centers. It was his way of giving back to a community that gave us so much. And he wants to reach out to other families who have experienced similar tragedies. What a dragon he's taking on. It hasn't been easy for my son to continually put his pain on display in the media. But he knows my daughter in law's story and other stories need to be heard. My husband has been spending hours and hours researching 9-1-1 issues and is in contact with 9-1-1 industry people on a daily basis offering help where he can. My husband does the research and my son goes on shows and speaks.

What I'm trying to figure out now that I'm out of my zombie phase, is where am I going and what am I going to do to help bring positive hope and light to others. I don't know.

I do know that I'm only a support player in this tragedy. It's my son and daughter in law's story and I just have a support role. And maybe that's what I need to continue doing. Just being here, supporting, loving, holding the family together, and watching the babies!

I did delve pretty heavily into the 9-1-1 debacle of how our local 9-1-1 center totally screwed up. I still believe it was a cover up or intended to be a cover up. Why else wouldn't they have contacted the other police dept which had jurisdiction about the call? I'll never give up in the battle of exposing what they tried to do.

We just want so much not to have seen my daughter in law die in vain. The murderer certainly killed her. He shot her in the head. But the 9-1-1 center messed up bad. If we can help another family not go through a similar situation all the efforts will have been worth it.

Anyhow, thanks for listening again! Much peace and love to all.

The grandchildren's grief

I hesitate to blog about this simply because I'm no expert. So what I'll share is my experiences with the children but I'll not give advice. I have none to give.

I say "my experiences" with the children because I believe they experience and react differently with different people. I believe they may react different with their MomMom (their other grandmother) than with me. She has a grace about her and a quietness. I'm a little louder and more talkative. Just as my relationships with my grandmothers were different, I believe their relationship with each of us are different. One's not better than the other they are simply different. IMO the roles of both sets of grandparents is to give the grandchildren the best of both worlds.

In the beginning I believe MomMom and I were both very worried. I was worried because my son moved in with her and the babies grandpa directly after my daughter in law died. They needed to be near the children and my son needed to be near them. Living in their home brought him closer to our daughter in law. So, it worked out for all of them. My husband and I felt almost stranded. Here I was my son's mom, and it didnt seem as if he needed me. His life was shattered and destroyed but I was "it seemed" not needed. I was so afraid of losing him and the babies. I felt alone and isolated.

I remember having a strong desire that lasted a very long time of wanting to hold my son and rock him gently back and forth. I wanted to desperately take his pain away. I learned then, that as a grown man, my son didn't necessarily need me holding him. And he certainly didn't need me hovering. I made a vow then that I would do my best to not meddle in his life and to have complete faith in him. I still do my best to hold on to that vow. The desire to rock him and hold him has never really gone away. I guess all mom's feel that. I can't imagine what MomMom is feeling.

I'm sure MomMom was worried too. It was her daughter who was lost. I can only imagine her thought pattern. But I believe she would've thought that possibly my son would come running to our side of the family when ever he needed someone. And that her role would dwindle in time. Who knows, my son may remarry someday.... etc.... the thoughts race. Who knows what the future brings? It sux having to think about it. Rightfully, the daughter should be there. It's unnatural that she's not. Anger again.

Fortunately, for her and me, we are both kind, loving, caring and compassionate individuals. I think we instinctively knew and know each other's fears. And we've done our best, without really saying so, to share willingly and lovingly.

Throughout this past year we've worked together in every way possible. I feel blessed that she's their MomMom. We're both very different. She's quiet. I'm more outgoing. But we're both the same in the way we love these babies and want the best for them.

That helps. A great deal. If I was to give advice that's what it would be. Be good to the in-laws and GET ALONG! It's so important for the children.

Our two grandbabies have been shuffled around quite a bit.

In the beginning my son lived with both boys at the in-laws. (He's since moved out). Then the in-laws went back to work and so did my son. I didn't go back right away. I stayed home with the boys. So, that worked out. I stayed with the boys during the day and then my son and the in-laws had them at night. We didn't feel comfortable putting them in daycare right away because when my daughter in law died she was a stay at home mom. So, we tried to respect that.

Eventually though, we felt it was time they went into daycare. I had to start working as much as I could and the boys needed it. Especially the older one. We started the older one first and eased the younger one in.

I should tell you that when my daughter in law died the oldest had just turned 2. And the youngest had just turned 6 months. They are exactly 18 months apart.

At the time of her death neither child could talk. The eldest was saying one word phrases but that was it. The only words he had put together were "bye bye big truck". My daughter in law was constantly working with him. But he digressed in some ways. She had almost had him potty trained and well........ it's over a year later and we're still potty training him. That's because we basically stopped because of the stress and didn't start again until a couple of months ago. I think the potty training brings back memories for him. I think he's fighting it for her. I don't know.

We do our best to keep her memory alive in both of them. The youngest does recognize her picture and can point and say "mommy" but he doesn't have any memory. I know I talk about her with the oldest quite often. I'll tell him he reminds me of his mommy especially when he's happy and silly.

I remember those first few months when I had them during the day. They were special days but there were odd times for the oldest. I remember he would look off into the distance. He couldn't play by himself the way most children do. He had to have constant attention. It was as if, when he played alone he would think and remember. I remember going into another room and finding him lying on the floor and just staring into space. I'd say "are you okay" and he wouldn't say. He'd just stare into space. I was puzzled at first and then learned that during those times he was thinking about mommy. I asked "are you thinking about mommy?" and he'd nod. So, I'd get her picture out and we'd chat about her. He'd sit on my lap and I'd go over how pretty she was and how she was always smiling. He enjoyed that immensely. He wanted to talk about her. He wanted to remember her. My husband sometimes would think I was being morbid but no. It seemed important to chat about her. The chats were and still are very casual and fun.

I remember times when he would take her picture (we have one that's very special that I keep out and in reach for him) and set it in the middle of the coffee table. Then he would play with his cars and trucks while she sat on the table watching. It was eerie. It gave me shivers and still does. But I let him.

Then there were times, later, when he started "I don't want grandma! Want mommy!" That is when he was first starting to be able to voice his feelings. "DON'T WANT GRANDMA! WANT MOMMY!!!!" oh my gosh. What do you do? Me? I cried inside and out. Then we cried together and I held him. We cried. But it was only once. We never did it again.

Then one night I went to kiss him goodnight and he wanted mommy. So I said "okay, close your eyes and pretend.... and then I'll be mommy. Close your eyes!" and he did. I kissed him and he was happy. That only happened once though. The moment has never been recaptured. We've never done it since.

It seems as if by the age of 3 he's accepted (and it took probably 7-8 months) that she's not coming back.

Anger issues? Yes, I know he has them. We all do. We can't run away from them.

But all in all, he's happy. He smiles and laughs and giggles 85% of the time. At least when he's here. (I started typing 95% but I brought that number down).

The youngest? I think some of us disagree on how to handle him. He likes his 3 B's. His Binky, his Blanket and his Bottle. He gets shuttled from daddy's to MomMom's to my house and has never had a "true" routine since his mommy died. His 3 B's are his routine. At 18 months, my son believes it's time to start weaning him. I oppose this but only mention it here. My son is the decision maker.

But he does good. He really does. He's a scamp, the youngest! He loves to perform! He's, of course, way ahead of the older one at his age because he mimics everything and he's a daredevil!

They are so precious. My daughter in law saved their lives. She literally saved their lives by keeping the perp/creep/monster as far away from them as she could. She laid down her life for them. I really really miss her.

I don't know what to do. I'm that numb.

It's been a bad day. It started off with me messing up all Mark's emails by trying to install a new email program. He couldn't get access to them. And he needs access to them.

Then we received a very cold email from someone in the 9-1-1 industry that just blew my mind. I still don't see how people can't see that we are trying to help the best way we know how. We're not villians. We're concerned citizens. We're not attacking, we're seeking advice and direction. We just want to minimize mistakes and human errors. WE WANT TO HELP.

Then Mark's mom called. His Aunt Wilma is dying. She's older and in her eighties. She's lived a very good life with 5 kids all loving her. It's not unexpected. She's has cancer. But I can't stop crying inside. I was closer to Mark's Aunt Wilma than I've been with my own aunts during my adult years. That's not to say I don't love my own aunts dearly. I grew up spending nights at their houses, swimming in their pools, visiting and shopping. I couldn't have had better aunts growing up. Mark is very close to his aunt. I'm so worried about Mark.

Anyhow, I'm numb. Simply numb.

I can't even pack boxes today. I'm just staring at them.

It's the first day that I thought "if Nathan asks me to pick the children up from daycare, I'm going to tell him I can't do it."

I know it's because we have too much time on our hands. Everyone else has 40 hour work weeks. I have maybe a 10 hour work week. And Mark..... is barely working at all. So, we're the ones immersed in the 9-1-1 stuff. And it's depressing. Losing our house is depressing. Losing Aunt Wilma is depressing. Having to screw around with computers is frustrating.

So, Mark and I drove out to the fishing pier and took a long walk. It was very pleasant and we watched the dolphins.

Anyhow, I don't think I'm in any emotional shape to pick up the grandchildren. Nathan just called and asked me to. I said I would.

I wonder if I should call Sue and ask her to do it. I can't think straight anymore.

Then I think maybe having the babies will be a good thing and get my mind off this stuff. But, heck, I don't want them around my issues. And there's my concern for Mark. Some days he just can't deal with the kids.

sigh

I don't know what to do. If I'm not crying on the outside, I'm crying on the inside.

And now I'm not sure whether to put this post in this blog or the other blog.

In case you're curious. Yes, I need to see my doctor. I haven't seen him in a while. I stopped seeing the therapist even though he was free. I need someone very hardcore to handle my emotional issues. And, he I believe is just the wrong therapist.

We don't have health insurance. Heck, now we don't have a house.

Dang. I'm going to shut up. I'm going to lay down, take two aspirin and repeat over and over in my mind "you are not going crazy. you are not going crazy. you are not going crazy."

I'm going to post this in both blogs and deal with the decision after re-reading this later.

Much love and peace to all.

added edit:

I did end up picking up the kids. And, I'm very glad I did. Their warmth, their smiles etc....... truly lifted my spirits. It's impossible to stay down when they're around.

Homicide grief and the macabre

Let me explain one thing. I'm home a lot. My hours have been cut back at both my jobs and I'm down to one day a week at each. The economy is taking it's toll as well as the grief. So, I think a lot. I try hobbies etc... I play the piano... I try to read... go for walks... (I haven't tried exercising and, yes, I know I should) etc.... In any case, I think too much

My mom always said "Don't think too hard, you'll hurt yourself." And it's true.

Anyhow, today I was in contact with my son's lawyer. And I said "I feel as if the monster/creep not only killed (my daughter-in-law) but he killed (my 'old' son) as well. In other words my son is no longer his oldself.

He's still wonderful. He tries so hard to constantly do the right thing. He's strong. He's stepping up and moving on as best he can. He lives with his two children (our grandchildren) and he's trying to be happy. That's the sad part "he's trying to be happy". He'll say things like "(his wife) wants us to be happy. She wouldn't want us to be sad. She was always smiling and she wants us to smile."

Sometimes I'll catch glimpses of his old self. I'll see him smile and laugh and crack a joke. I'll see him be playful but it's with other people. It's rarely with us. Maybe that's us projecting ourselves onto him. I don't know.

I know a part of me died that day. I'm no longer my old self. My husband is no longer his old self.

Do we try? Absolutely!!!!!!!!!

We're moving too. My husband and I are moving. I guess that's weighing on me as well. I hate moving.

Hopefully, the move will be a good thing. (Doubtful because we're talking about moving in with my mother-in-law).

sigh

Just thinking.

Pretty soon I'm going to write about my grandchildren's grief and what they are going through. I think it's important to look at this through their eyes. The oldest (now 3yo) is definitely grieving in little ways. The youngest (18mo) is struggling in little ways. But both are adapting exceptionally well. I'll explain in my next blog, maybe later tonight what I mean by grieving and struggling. All in all, I think they are doing fantastic. We're very blessed. Even just to have them alive! We're blessed. But I notice little issues that may be important to other people.

My son was a preemie. And I remember my doctor saying "children are survivors".

This is excellent

I got this off the "This Is War ~ Grief" website I linked over with my links. Geez, it's exactly what we're going through. I can pretty much check off having felt every single issue listed.



issues unique to survivors


- Isolation, helplessness in a world that is seen as hostile and uncaring, and that frequently blames the victim;

- Feelings of guilt for not having protected the victim;

- The memory of a mutilated body at the morgue, how much did my loved one suffer?

- Getting back the personal belongings of a murder victim;

- Sensational and/or inaccurate media coverage;

- Lack of information;

- Seemingly endless grief;

- Loss of ability to function on the job, at home or in school, etc.;

- The strain on marriages (frequently resulting in divorce);

- Strain on family relationships;

- Effects on health, faith and values;

- Effects on other family members, children, friends, co-workers, etc.;

- Indifference of the community, including professionals, to the plight of survivors;

- Society's attitude regarding murder as a form of entertainment;

- Financial burden of medical and funeral expenses;

- Medical expenses for stress related illnesses;

- Professional counseling for surviving family members;

- Financial burden of hiring private investigators, etc.;

- Public sympathy for murderers;

- The feeling that the murderer, if found, gets all the help;

- Survivors of homicide victims have few rights;

- Outrage about the leniency of the murderer's sentence;

- Disparities in the judicial system (frequently punishments for property crimes are as great or greater than the crime of taking a human life);

- Anger over a plea bargain arrangement/agreement;

- Frustration at not being allowed inside the courtroom at the time of trial;

- Unanswered questions about the crime. What happened?

- Unanswered questions about postponements and continuous delays throughout the trial;

- Bitterness and loss of faith in the American criminal justice system;

- After conviction, the long appeals process begins; and

- Constantly reliving your story through the dreaded parole process.

© 1995, National Organization of Parents of Murdered Children, Inc

Warning: This blog contains violence DO NOT READ unless necessary. It's ugly.

This post is extremely ugly.

I sincerely hope that no family or any close friends read this. I sincerely don't want to cause you pain. I love you.

I post it only because I want other homicide survivors to know that they are not the only ones thinking ugly thoughts. Please, do not read this unless it's necessary. It's deeply personal so unless you think you can learn something from it, don't read it. Please.

Interestingly it's no more violent than most of your CSI shows. But it's real and it's intensely personal. And oddly, it's not about the victim. It's about what the survivor of the victim goes through.

One of the major problems with homicide grief that adds to a lot of the anger issues, IMO, is how difficult it is to not visualize what may have happened to your loved one. I couldn't imagine being homicide survivor who witnessed the actual homicide. I simply can't imagine the nightmares and the visuals.

We're not exactly sure how things unfolded for my daughter-in-law. That's a problem within it self. You visualize things that may or may not have happened.

This is what we do know. We know she was raped and we know she was shot in the head. We know she was dumped in the shallow grave probably still alive but just barely. That's it. The rest we'll find out in the trial.

I get visuals that I can't stop. I try to stop them but they pop in anyway. It's really difficult to stop a thought once it's started. So, it's a constant everyday battle against thoughts and sometimes worse visuals.

About 3 or 4 months after Denise died my husband made a comment to me about our daughter in law being shot in the face.

She wasn't. She was shot in the side of the head as I originally thought. He honestly thought she was shot in the face. And, therefore, I took it as truth. I was extremely upset and shaken. I can't describe the horror I felt. I went around for two weeks not being able to tell people. People would ask me "what's wrong?" "What's wrong?" and I couldn't even put it in words it was such a horrific thought. I kept visualizing her beautiful face being blown apart. I felt horrible for my husband who had been carrying this belief around with him for several months and never speaking of it.

We never ever and/or very rarely talk about what happened that night. It's just too painful. And here my husband was carrying this around. I couldn't get past it, I was so horrified. The visuals were gruesome and terrible.

Until finally my son said "Mom! YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG!" Finally, I told him. The words still had trouble coming out. They were slow in coming for sure. I couldn't say it. I couldn't put it in words. Finally I did. My son said "Mom, Dad has it wrong. She was shot in the side of the head!"

How could that be any better? I don't know, but it was. My son then told my husband that evening. My husband thought she had been shot in the face for months because we never talk about it.

That was months ago. But the visuals still visit. They don't stop. They are relentless. Today I was laying down trying to nap with my grandsons. The visuals came back. I was picturing how delicate and beautiful my daughter in law was and missing her. And then my imagination started with what the monster/creep did to her. I pictured her struggling and fighting or just laying there detached from it all. Somehow those thoughts led to how he buried her.

The anger creeped in again. I thought "No wonder he buried her. No wonder he thought he had to kill her. He had marred and scarred such a simply lovely, delicate wonderful human being. He felt he had to destroy what he had ruined. So he killed her.

According to his MO, he's done this before and would definitely do it again.

But he didn't have to kill her. Yes, she would've been marred and scarred. But she would be alive! And with her family! Everyone loving her!!! She would've been with her babies!

I, of course, couldn't sleep. And because I had my grandchildren with me, I couldn't scream or yell or carry on the way I wanted to. Which would've been like a banshee.

But this a lot of why I think anger is such an issue. You simply can't get over what was done and how it was done to your loved one.

Some people have suggested a punching bag.

I find it so hard to understand why. Why? Why did she, who didn't have a malicious bone in her body, have to suffer the way she did? Why? She was sweet and innocent and never hurt anyone.

I hate being so angry. People say that the anger will subside after the trial is over. I certainly hope so. It's not like me to be this angry.

Well at least they explained

This forum has been a part of my life for several years. I posted about it on my old blog. I've been, I believe, a very respected member of the community. I know this because this is the community that opened two college funds for my grandchildren. This forum is frequented by people all over the world.

It's been very dear to me.

I've missed it and I've missed the ability to interact with people I genuinely have grown to regard as a part of my family. They know more about me than most of my best friends.

Experiencing homicide grief you feel an instense feeling of isolation. I feel isolated from just about everyone I knew before we lost my daughter in law. It's no ones' fault. Everyone cares and expresses concern. But old friends seem to disappear. They don't know what to say. And when we go out, our conversations are so full of the murder, trial etc... that it's fun for no one.

As to the forum, I've had trouble (it's my own trouble) adapting and getting back into it. Other threads don't interest me. And these are threads starting by people I've genuinely grown to care about. I've become, IMO, quite self absorbed. I recognize this. I start and participate in threads that only concern me and my family. I don't like this. But, I can't seem to get past it.

Yesterday, I tried. But I made a great hash out of it, because ultimately it ended up being all about me again.

I went off the deep end and just shouted with rage. I was so angry at being called crazy.

For someone who is just barely hanging on emotionally, that's a dagger right in the heart.

Two of the posters were offended and deeply hurt because I was disagreeing with them. These two people apparently did a lot for the college funds. I guess they feel I haven't been appreciative enough.

So, that's it. My heart is broken over it.

But, there's nothing I can do about it. I won't go back. I'll just try to find and discover the new me.

I'll still see many of my friends hopefully on facebook.

But I won't go back there when people are so righteous they feel the need to be cruel.

I find that disgusting. And, no matter, what they did with the college funds, that had no right to continue to be cruel.

They should know, I even expressed it! That right now I'm emotionally crippled. I'm not crazy, but emotionally crippled? Yeah, most definitely.

The other problem with homicide grief is that people think we dwell on stuff. People think we need to move on. Well it just ain't that easy. We feel the pain everyday. We feel dysfunction in our family everyday. It doesn't go away. It's always there. The dysfunction is the reality. And we have to not only grieve, but we have to adjust to the dysfunction and it's a continual thing.



I'll figure it out. I'm strong. I'm hurt but it's just a matter of finding a new me that can deal with all the crap.

Someone said to me today "you have lost your mind"

I guess I have. At first, I thought this person was kidding. But, no, he was serious. It all goes back to internet forums.

I'm so upset. I'm shaking. I haven't participated a whole lot in the forums. I haven't found much joy in it. But I keep going back hoping somehow to find that chemistry I felt with it before my daughter in law died. So I post an occasional thread about what's going on with my son and the trial and my blogging. But I've had trouble getting involved in the other threads about other stuff.

Yeah, I've lost my mind. Yesterday and today, I visited the forums and tried to participate more. I got involved and even got into some arguments. I asserted my beliefs in what I thought was right and wrong. I felt I had valid points. Some people even agreed with me. But others... told me I lost my mind.

They are angry with me. I don't even know why. I guess I have lost my mind.

I can't stop crying inside.

My whole life is different and topsy turvy. I wonder if I'll ever find myself again. I guess the reality is, I won't. I'll never be my old self again.

But that doesn't mean I lost my mind. That just means I've changed.

It's amazing how one statement can just shatter me. I feel as if I have needles sticking in me but they're on the inside.

I get so angry at people sometimes

and my mind starts feeling as if I'm trapped in the Bermuda Triangle. I get angry and I grieve when people become petty and take pot shots at others. Sometimes they take pot shots at the less fortunate. Some people find it fun!

It breaks my heart. In our area a man and his wife just lost their baby son. The baby was 3 months old and for some reason he stopped breathing. The mother who was most likely terribly distraught gave the road name but said "street" not "avenue" or maybe it was the other way around. Anyhow 9-1-1 sent the paramedics too the wrong address 30 miles away.

Our area has been inundated with 9-1-1 tragedies recently because of a series of articles in a local newspaper exposing many of the inefficiencies.

Everyone seems emotional and upset. The newspaper has a forum where people post comments and you just wouldn't believe some of the insensitivity displayed.

The father blamed 9-1-1 the day after it happened. I'm sure he was lashing out. Sadly, because his wife was using an inexpensive cell phone, the call wasn't routed appropriately. It wasn't the dispatchers fault and it wasn't the mother's fault. It IMO the fault of the phone companies. They should be stepping up and placing inexpensive GPS systems in all cell phones. But NO! They don't want to do that because...... People will get rid of their landline phones and they'll become obsolete. Why else have a landline?

9-1-1 dispatchers are angry because they feel as if they are under attack.

I want to quote Rodney King and say "Can't we all just get along!"

Don't we all want to save lives?

Other forum issues

I belong to a wonderful on-line community that truly stepped up when my daughter-in-law died. They banded together and raised quite a sum of money for the grandbabies' education. Every single one of them displayed compassion and kindness during the tragedy.

But, I have issues going there anymore. I try to find some joy in it and can't. All the bickering and the pettiness. I wonder.... Was I the same way? Was that how I acted before my daughter-in-law died? Was I that petty and ugly? I guess I was because it's been going on for years.

I hate to say I'm above pettiness now. I'm sure I'm not. But I really don't have time for it. Don't these people realize that there are more important things happening in our world. And that it doesn't mean a hill of beans who's right on an internet forum.

I guess the problem with internet forums is a lot is lost when you can't see the other person's body language. Their nuances and inflections.

I posted in my old blog how wonderful the community is. And it is wonderful. But there are some days you just wouldn't know it.

So, rather than finding enjoyment at this forum that I've belonged to for years, I walk away feeling cold and disgusted.

Again I want to quote Rodney King and say "Can't we all just get along."

Tragedy

I think of all the hurt that people are experiencing all around us. Especially that young family who just lost their newborn son. They are in real true pain. I weep inside for them. I can't imagine how the mom is feeling not giving the right address. It's just tragic.

It truly pisses me off (excuse my language, I've become a potty mouth since my daughter-in-law died) that people can be so petty when there's so much tragedy happening around us.

Homicide grief and the frustration

What do I find the most frustrating thing about homicide grief? The loss of ever being normal again.

Maybe because it's only been a year, I don't know, but! I feel sometimes as if my family and I will never be normal again.

Sadness and anger. They seem to overwhelm me.

Thank goodness for the grandbabies. They are our joy! But what a burden for them to have to bear.

SIGH.

Homicide grief and an Introduction

Let me start at the beginning. We lost our daughter-in-law to a horrific murder last January 2008. She was kidnapped in broad daylight from her own home by a total stranger/creep. She did all she could to save our two grandchildren who were only babies at the time. She left them in the same crib, closed all the windows and locked the doors so they couldn't get out. Sadly, she had to leave them alone to get the creep as far a way from them as possible.

Apparently her abductor took her to his home and brutally raped her. From what I was told "he did everything to her you can think of other than mutilate her.

He later shot her in the head and threw her in a shallow grave.

We're fortunate that he is behind bars and our state is seeking the death penalty in the trial which should start late summer of 2009.

I remain anonymous because many of you who are experiencing what we're experiencing realize there's a lot of anger involved with homicide grief. We have major dysfunction in our family right now and who wants to bring more grief to their own family when they are already suffering so much.

I had started another blog a couple of months ago but with legal issues, and the stress it was causing other family members, I decided to stop it. I'm not sure if I was hurting anything legally. I only stated what was already in public record and of course my own opinions. But I worry about hurting the case. As far as family members go, I worry that I was adding more stress to them than they already have. Gosh, we already have enough stress going on. I certainly don't want anyone adding any more to mine. My husband and son, never really read the blog. For them it was too painful, I guess. But they were always worried that I was blogging about something that maybe they thought I shouldn't be. That's one thing about homicide grief! You become paranoid about what you can say and what you can't for more reasons than one.

I display a lot of anger when I blog. And I think the anger caused them great concern. It really shouldn't have. They are just as angry. My son even more angry. They just express it differently.

Anyhow, I thought that if I started this thing anonymously, I could say whatever I wanted.

I'm no expert on homicide grief. I'm not a doctor and I don't hold a college degree. I'm a high school graduate and that's about it. I've worked retail my entire life. Right now, I hold down two jobs, just barely. That's another problem all together. I'm fortunate I even have those jobs. I work in a cosmetics store, one day a week and I absolutely love it, except since the horrific event, I'm not nearly as good at it as I used to be. I find it difficult sometimes to be as creative. I'm getting better though. Also, my attention span is shot. I also work in a bookstore but can't run the cash register anymore. I just become unnerved and downright frazzled. I can do customer service okay but the cash register just frightens me. This is highly unusual and has to do with the homicide grief totally.

I have problems at home too. I thought they would go away but they haven't. My house is filthy. Piles are everywhere. I'll start on a pile and then lose interest. Vacuuming? huh! It doesn't happen. Lately I haven't even been scrubbing the kitchen floors. I used to keep them spotless because one of the grandchildren was still just crawling. Well, now that he's no longer crawling, I rarely scrub the kitchen floor. Homicide grief.

Other issues? Oh my they are countless. I can't remember names and faces. I've missed two mammogram appointments in a row. Totally just missed them. Forgot to go to them! Yes, they are posted on my refrigerator but somehow I missed them. I have no idea how.

I'm not sure but I think I was supposed to work at the bookstore last Saturday and I didn't show up. I was thinking Sunday evening about how I had to work the next day and thought "was I supposed to work yesterday?" When I got to work the following day they had already posted the new schedules. I asked everyone but no one (or maybe they did but were being kind) seemed to know and just laughed it off.

Everyone has been so very very kind. Truly kind. Employers, strangers, neighbors, family, old friends, new friends, gosh.

We've seen evil enter our lives. But we've seen so much love and compassion. Seeing so much love and compassion it's a wonder we're all still so angry. I wonder about that. Is evil that strong? I mean really. One man committed an unspeakably evil act. One man! And thousands have shown compassion and caring. Yet, we're still angry.

Homicide grief is truly unimaginable if you haven't experienced it. I find it very interesting that no matter how often we try to explain it, we never seem to do it justice.

One important thing that I feel I should disclose. Our experience with homicide grief is a tad different than most experiences. Our case has received all kinds of media attention. Also, our community stepped up and raised an unbelievable sum of money for my son and his two boys. College funds were opened for the boys. A Foundation has been started using a big part of those funds raised to help other homicide survivors and victim's related to 9-1-1 mishaps. Countless fundraisers were held from car washes to golf tournaments. A bill was named for my daughter-in-law and my son has been on countless national TV shows fighting for 9-1-1 reform.

Anyhow, the outpouring of support has been phenomenal.

We're striving to give some of that back. I want so much to help other families that are going through similar tragedies. When this first happened I thought "gosh, the community saw a good family and stepped up for us". But now! Now, after having attended so many Parents of Murdered Children meetings and meeting other families of victim's of violence, I realize this happens to good families all the time. ALL THE TIME! And they haven't gotten and don't get a portion of the support we've gotten. I worry and wonder about that. It's not fair.

But it's a burden too. It's hard to explain. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to crawl in a corner and just cry, help my son raise his children, and craw into a cave hiding from the world. And other times I realize, no. You can't do that. Because I know it's not fair we've received support and other families have been ignored. Literally ignored. It's not right.

So with this blog I hope to share a bit of my soul and the soul of my family so that other people who may be experiencing the loss of a precious loved on through homicide will know that they are not going crazy. It's the situation that's crazy. Not you.